It’s senior year for my trans-identified child. It feels like my senior year at the University of ROGD.

With the beginning of high school, a new name and gender emerged for my child and so began my education. Compared to what I know now, I was clueless. However, I had instincts about ROGD which later would all be confirmed over and over again.

I attempted once or twice to call my child by a new name and pronoun, but I couldn’t do it. I did sit with the idea though and asked… what if, what if this is what my child needs? And am I a bad person for not complying?

I talked with my child and asked questions. The more answers given, the more confused and frustrated I became. This worsened when speaking with adults in my child’s life who were supposed to protect my child.

With no help or support or anyone to answer my questions, I began my online studies. First, I found the shocking discoveries of Google’s answers to questions such as, am I trans? and what is gender dysphoria? Then came the very convincing videos from transgender celebrities. Quickly I learned new vocabulary to search and soon the gender critical door opened wide. Foolishly, I would excitedly share my findings with my child including videos from Richie Herron and Chole Cole, as well as the Detrans documentary. I even made a google slide. But I hadn’t yet grasped the magnitude of the trans beliefs and community. I hadn’t learned how profoundly captured therapists, doctors, schools, neighbors, and friends were and how little they actually knew about gender ideology.

I foolishly thought I was a loving, involved parent with a close relationship with my child and that we could have wonderful conversations and work our way through this. But the conversations worsened and both hope and my mental state diminished, but my education did not. I was now learning about the Tavistock Clinic and read Susan and Mark Evans Gender Dysphoria: A Therapeutic Model for working with Children Adolescents and Young Adults and DeTrans by Dr. Az Hakeem. After watching a video by LaRell Herbert, who fully transitioned and then detransitioned, I lost any beliefs that transition can be an answer for anyone.

About this time, my estrange parent reached out to me. My attempt to communicate my feelings was met with guilt and blame once again. I was able to see them and our relationship for what it was and closed a door for good. This led to my education on narcissism. With more knowledge came healing, understanding and changes in my behavior.

With no one but my best friend and husband to talk to about gender dysphoria, I consumed many YouTube videos. I found it refreshing to listen to intelligent detransitioners like Elle Palmer, Maia Poet, Simon Amaya Price, Cat Cattison, Helena, Sevn Scharpen, Katie Coblentz, Nicholas Flowers, Call me Sam, Keith Caputo and Laura Becker, to name a few.

I also sought out the “other side” to understand what I was saying to my child that was so triggering. I consumed pro-trans content. I admit not much of it though - my brain and emotions can’t take much of it. But it was definitely helpful to learn what gender affirming advocates actually say and think!

They don’t know it, but I became online friends with many podcast/YouTube hosts who provided comfort and made me laugh during some dark times. I’d like to thank, Benjamin Boyce, Peter Boghossian, Andrew Gold, Stella O’Malley, Sasha Ayad, Colin Wright, Helen Joyce, Travis Brown, Mia Hughes, Keri Smith, Billboard Chris, Glenna Goldis, Do No Harm, Leor Sapir, Andrew Huberman and the Radical Center and more. Thanks for light during a time of darkness. Thanks for calm conversations, long pauses, questions, interest and speaking out. Thank you for the company and the laughter.

I was being educated about cults and, at the same time, began to take the online course with “You Must be Some Kind of Therapist”, which came with new book recommendations. I completed Never Split the Difference and Hold onto Your Kids. I felt like everything I was taught about parenting and what I thought I was changing for the better, for my children, was wrong. Then the book No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model began true healing for me and has had a domino effect on our family.

I spoke with wonderful women who had been in this much longer than me. Each one has given me something new to move forward with - a little shift and new way of thinking. I spoke with January Littlejohn and the next day saw her online standing next to Trump. I wavier back and forth between wanting to go on an all-out fight against those leading my child to self-harm and continuing to quietly save my child and protect him from greater harm.

Slowly change began in the general population and a push back started, but it’s not soon enough for my child. Slowly online content was changing and I felt like I could only watch newer content because like me, everyone gender critical has learned so much these past few years.

I’ve pushed back against the school and their policies. I was able to have hard conversations compared to those I had two years ago and with knowledge behind my words. I’ve filed complaints, and a FERPA (Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act) complaint and FOIA requests. I informed the school that I do not allow sleepovers with the opposite sex and if my child rooms with a biological female, I will not be held responsible for any legal or financial outcomes of a school outing with those room accommodations. I pushed back at the therapist office and asked for my child’s legal name receipts. I’ve managed to not affirm my child’s name or pronouns and removed him from therapy and kept him from medicalizing. I’ve had a reset conversation and he recently asked me if I believe that trans women are women and I replied, “No, do you?” The mood in our home is lighter and I’m healing. I can feel I’ve slowed the transfer of generational trauma to my children and my spouse. I see many great changes slowly but surely happening.

I’m entering his senior year with just completing the books How Minds Change: The Surprising Science of Belief, Opinion, and Persuasion and How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide Book by James M. Lindsay and Peter Boghossian. We just went on a college visit where I scanned the crowd of future students and sized them up, quickly noticing cut marks on one girl’s arm. I cringed at the mention of Karl Marks and Judith Butler from a student speaker.

I’m not sure what else I can possibly learn about rapid onset gender dysphoria, cults, cluster B personality traits, autism, ADHD, puberty, the biology of males and females, the history of transgenders or the history of WPATH.

Have I graduated? Perhaps only when my child has learned to accept his body will I have completed my education.

So, I begin this senior year with a great sense of urgency. This year I’m empowered by those speaking out. I’m equipped with knowledge I didn’t have before. I’m healing, I’m calmer, I’m in a better place. I’m hopeful, I’m scared, I’m worried.

After all this education I still find that, “I am Trans” is not a solution for my child. Not an outcome that my child would thrive in, would truly happy in, would be whole.

It’s senior year. I’m educated and terrified. I hope and pray I graduate.

Mom, PhD

Republished with permission from Mercatornet.com

I never thought that I’d be afraid for my son to go to school.

I come from a long line of teachers. My grandma was a teacher; my two sisters, a sister-in-law, several cousins, my two best friends and several of my friends are teachers. I like teachers.

I always thought school was there to help our kids learn and teach them how to fit into society. Teachers are the salt of the earth. I never once would have imagined that schools could harm children.

I was wrong.

School never went smoothly for my rambunctious son. He was the one the teachers dreaded. He was very active, very inquisitive … and very disruptive. I envied the moms of ideal students who sat perfectly through their lessons. I didn’t have that. I cringed at every note sent home, and I suffered through every phone call. Around the same time, he was identified as gifted. The psychologist said that might explain his actions -- he is likely bored with school and this led to him acting out. When I presented the findings to the teachers, they practically rolled their eyes. Nothing changed.

Fortunately, my son slowly started maturing and, as he matured, he became less disruptive. Things started turning around in fourth grade when he started growing out of these behaviours. What a relief! He left elementary school with a bit of success.

Having a challenging child made me self-conscious about my parenting because of how the school treated me -- like the bad parent that didn’t know best, just because my son didn’t fit that perfect student mold. I always thought parents had supreme authority over their children, like my parents and sisters did, so this treatment by the school was a surprise.

I’ve now learned that parents are regularly undermined in the school setting, sometimes in matters that are entirely ideological and personal.

My son suddenly, out of nowhere, self-diagnosed himself as trans at age 15. I realized he thought he was trans because he was quirky and socially awkward and had been bullied in middle school. He thought it explained why he never fit in. Schools go out of their way to help a kid who declares they are trans; they are so worried that they will be bullied. But they ignore the bullying that went on before this declaration.

Parents have a say in everything about their child unless they declare that they are trans. If your child declares that they are trans then you are deemed a bad parent if you do not go along with the ideology. Schools may threaten to remove your child unless you transition them either socially or medically. If a child complains to the school that their parents are not supporting their trans identity, the parents are not consulted -- rather, they are considered to be causing harm and, therefore, they are unfit parents.

It’s almost as if parents are being disciplined by a school that thinks it knows best, and their power is given to confused children instead. This prevents parents from protecting their children from emotional and physical harm. If schools continue to marginalize parents, how will this work out?

I’m not even sure where and how this idea became so strong in schools. There is no science or biology to back this up. Since when does a parent not know more about their own child and what’s best for them than a school counsellor? It would be absurd and laughable if it weren’t so terrifying. Schools change children’s names and pronouns without parent’s permission – even though they still need a parent’s permission to administer over-the-counter medicine or life-saving medications like EpiPens.

This is what happened to my child.

Without my permission or knowledge, my son’s school counsellor changed his name to a girl’s name. When I wrote to the counsellor, she ignored my emails. I was looked upon as the enemy even though I have always been my son’s biggest advocate. I was afraid to push back because I feared that the school would call in child services.

Trans-identified kids are not given therapy for the trauma of being bullied for being gay, geeky, quirky, autistic or socially awkward. They are just led down a path towards medical self-harm and told that this is the only way they will feel better. That’s why there are thousands of detransitioned young adults out there -- because these kids did not receive proper therapy.

Schools are even promoting to kindergarten kids that you can be born in the wrong body. They are now teaching and confusing kids about the trans gingerbread model and telling them that they could be any gender at all. Children are now questioning the most irrefutable fact about themselves -- that they might not be the sex they were born.

How did this happen?

There are now books and animated shows confusing children even more. How has something as simple as science and biology changed to be about feelings?

Now that his school will open up after COVID, I am scared to send my son there because educators push this dogma. I no longer care if he even finishes high school or goes to college. I just want my son to mature so that he can realize that his sex cannot change before he harms himself. But how do I do that in today’s society? I feel I no longer have any power as a parent and I cannot trust that I won’t be undermined by the school.

I feel powerless. I had to sit through a phone conference with a teacher calling my masculine son a girl’s name and using she/her pronouns. My hands are tied because I cannot lose my relationship with my son over this. Why do schools put parents in this position?

This is a medical scandal in the making!

How many more young adults will experience medical harm and live a life with damaged bodies? Are 57,000 detransitioners on one site alone enough?

Aren’t there any teachers who are worried about the affirmation model for all gender-questioning teens? Are they afraid to speak out? When the tide turns -- and it will -- what will happen with all these teachers, principals and counsellors who stayed quiet, who went along with the flow instead of questioning? I thought teachers had critical thinking skills. Is this no longer a requirement for teachers or is blindly following the only requirement these days to get a teaching certificate? How will they be judged when all the transitioned children come to realize they have been harmed? Can they sue these institutions, teachers or counsellors?

Do schools really have children’s best interests at heart or their own agenda?

I just want my child to learn English, math and science, not beliefs, not someone else’s religion positioned as fact. When will parents get their rights back so they can send their children to school safely? It’s not too late for teachers and counsellors to start questioning this ideology, for teachers to put the focus back on teaching their subjects instead of indoctrinating our children.

When I was a child in school, the nuns would hit my hands with a ruler. It hurt. At the time, I thought that was wrong but I’d rather they hit my kid’s hand then tell my son that he is the wrong sex. This hurts more. The sting of that ruler on my hand is just a memory. What these teachers are doing is causing irreversible mental and potentially physical harm to other people’s kids. To my kid. This needs to stop.

Teachers and counsellors, it’s time for you to realize that parents who are studying this subject know -- we do not need your uneducated opinion on our child’s feelings and health. You do not have our permission to give our child medicine without our consent, nor do you have permission to send children and adolescents down a path that leads to a lifetime of medicalisation which leads to sterility and loss of sexual function.

You are not in school to be our kids' friends. You are there to be responsible adults, educating our young people and helping their parents to prepare them to become functioning members of our society.

Are you going to help pay for college or the medical expenses for putting our children back together? No, you won’t. And so, it is imperative that you do no harm. Back off; stop trying to parent and coach kids on matters that are outside your competence.

Schools, you’re on notice.

It’s an amazing and exciting time in my now 18-year-old daughter’s life. She is a high school senior, who applied to several colleges, and has been admitted to most of them. Now she gets to choose where she will spend the next four years learning and growing, intellectually, emotionally and socially, and preparing for a future career. Almost everyone who has been lucky enough to go to college remembers those years with some fondness. It is a very special time in life, when you have a lot of freedom, and yet very little responsibility. I met my husband while I was in college. He wasn’t a student, but was busking in a nearby park, and I would listen to him on weekends. I would not have my two precious children (now 21 and 18) if it were not for that. I also met some life-long friends at college, and I learned a lot about research and writing, making presentations, and so much more in my classes, all of which helped me to be the lawyer and person I am today.

The next exciting step for my daughter is to visit the five colleges she had narrowed down her choices to. My husband and daughter were going to make a weekend of it, driving to 3 of the four out-of-state schools, leaving the last out-of-state school for another weekend, which I would also attend. I hoped to attend the tour of the local college as well. This coming weekend was going to be a nice father-daughter bonding experience. I looked up the “accepted student days” and made a plan. However, I was told today that my husband and I do not deserve to accompany her on the accepted student tours. In fact, she asked that my husband drop her off at each of the three tours this weekend and wander off by himself for several hours at a stretch, while she toured with the other students and their families.

Why would my daughter do this? It’s simple. Because my husband might forget and use her “dead name” around the people on the tour. Granted, neither my husband nor I have ever “outed” her to any of her high school friends or even to waiters at restaurants who call her “buddy” and “sir.” We just smile and nod along, like it’s a big game, even though our concern for our daughter’s health, mental and physical, is no game. But still, even though we have gone along with the pretense in front of others for years now, we are not to be trusted. I must have looked dubious, for my daughter added on to this answer.

Even if we could be trusted not to “out” her as biologically female (a fate worse than death, apparently), there’s another good reason to ban us from these tours. She will be uncomfortable “acting a certain way” and using her chosen name around us. So we can’t be there, even if we won’t say or do anything to get in her way or spoil the pretense that she is a boy. Our very presence is too uncomfortable, so we must just stay away.

After I was told these things, I dared to ask a follow-up question, even though I apparently was treading on thin ice, threatening to create an argument (or so I was told). Never mind that I was not raising my voice, not being accusatory, just trying to understand. Apparently, I should have known that bringing this up would be upsetting and “trigger her dysphoria.” Yet I pressed on.

I asked the follow-up question that could only hurt - but it had to be asked. What about the future? Would she just avoid us and keep us separate from all of her friends, co-workers, anyone in her life, forever? Would she avoid us most of the time, for the rest of our lives? She answered without hedging. “Yes.”

I then indicated that this was like a knife twisting in my back. I was scolded for being manipulative. I was told I was gaslighting her by pretending I wasn’t doing anything awful to her that deserved this treatment. I was told the ostracization was simply a consequence of my actions. What actions, I asked? She didn’t have time for my silly questions. So I answered my own question.

My husband and I were to be avoided forever because we didn’t think medical transition, particularly for someone who has never lived life as a woman - having decided at 12.5 that she was “trans,” having worn a binder from age 13, and having pretended to be male to everyone she met starting at 14.5 (the start of high school) - was a good idea. We thought she should try and live without pretense, and certainly give her health the highest priority, and see if she couldn’t eventually simply accept her biological sex. This didn’t mean she couldn’t dress a certain way, wear her hair a certain way, or do anything else that makes her comfortable. It just meant we thought she should not bind, and not pretend to be biologically male, for the next several years, as she grew up and adjusted to adult life. If, as a fully mature adult, she determined that she would be happier appearing male and interacting as if she is male, and if, at that point, she was able to give all the serious medical issues the appropriate weight, then so be it. We would have to accept that decision. But we’re not there yet, and she has never tried to live life in her female body.

And she also has a false belief that she has a “male brain,” that became male when it was suddenly washed in testosterone that came mysteriously from my womb (even though I have no hormonal imbalance and there is no indication this ever happened), at just the right moment in the pregnancy, after her female body had formed, and that this “male brain” expects to see male body parts like a penis (but will accept a faux penis), and that this “male brain” expects to see male secondary sex characteristics like facial hair and a deep voice and greater musculature, and that this “male brain” expects other people to interact with it as if it was attached to a male body. Yes, the “male brain” is hard-wired to expect other people to treat it as if it is attached to a biologically male body even when it is attached to a female body.

She believes this is established science, and that, because she was born with this defective condition, this mis-match, she must change her body to adapt it to her “male brain.” If she is to ever, as a mature adult, make the choice whether to cosmetically alter her appearance to live as if she is male, believing the social dynamics will be so much better suited to her personality (which, by the way, is similar to a gay or bisexual effeminate male with classically feminine characteristics), she cannot make that choice coherently while being duped into believing she really has no choice in the matter. She must become aware that this is a choice based purely on social dynamics, and perhaps an aesthetic choice about how she wants her body to look, but that it is not based on a mis-match between her female body and a “male brain.” That is Flat Earth science, and making decisions on that basis is dangerous.

So, because my husband and I don’t believe in her faux science - which, funny enough, most of the people who would demonize my husband and I for not “affirming” her, would not agree with either, since most of them believe in a “male gender identity” (a meaningless, circularly defined amorphous entity) rather than a “male brain” - we should be banned from attending any college functions attended by other parents. We deserve this as a consequence of our lack of faith in the “male brain” theory. We are persona non grata.

So, like her school play before, where at first we were told we could not come, and then we were told to come but were banned from coming backstage afterwards like all the other parents, now we are excluded from college tours. I can safely predict that we will not be welcome at Parents’ Day. I’m already bracing for her to say we cannot attend her high school graduation, or, more likely, that we should attend, and then leave, and she will see us later at home - while she poses for photos with her friends and their families.

It’s getting very lonely out here in the land of reality. I could never live with myself if I caved and encouraged my daughter to harm herself, and I will not do that. I am not questioning my decisions. I just feel sad, and needed to share my feelings with someone. Maybe one or two of the parents reading this can relate. Thanks for listening.

For more on this author.

Our son recently started graduate school. He began hormone therapy during his final year of undergraduate education. Because he began to identify as a lesbian, transgender woman at 20 and showed no sign of gender dysphoria before that, we never had a chance to reflect – or advise him – on his choices. Going through the published medical research on the effects of estrogen made me aware that psychologically, excess estradiol in the serum causes depression among males, and physiologically, there are potentially much more severe side effects, including some impacting the brain and the immunological system. More of that in a minute.

Fast forwarding to the present day, before our son left for graduate school at a University with one of the country's most renowned medical schools. I decided to write to their student health center and share the studies I had found and, more relevantly, the psychological history of our child. What follows is the text of the letter and, after deleting potentially identifying information, the response from a high-ranking official within the health center. They are, for the lack of a better phrase, quite revealing.

First, my letter (I have not disclosed the name of the university and have changed the name of our child here, with apologies to the real Jonathans of the world; furthermore, apologies for the triggering usage of pronouns – I did not want to be dismissed as the “usual, hateful, bigoted transphobe”; rather, I wanted to be considered as the deadly serious parent who would do anything in their power to prevent their child from coming to harm):

Dear Apex University Health Center,

Our child, Jonathan, who is joining the graduate program at Apex University this Fall, identified themself as transgender during their sophomore year in college (2021) and started estrogen therapy in early 2023. Since every one of these interventions is off-label, I have been looking up the peer-reviewed literature on the effect of estrogen and whether there are any risks that our child needs to be aware of as they continue on this path. My findings, which I summarize below (and link to the sources), have been alarming. Several endocrinologists – some who publish extensively – have told me they were unaware of the new literature. I have also been in touch with the Endocrine Society, and their response heightened my alarm.

While we respect our child's identification with their gender identity, we felt that they exhibited several psychological symptoms right before identifying as a lesbian, transgender woman (Jonathan was assigned male at birth and did not show any inclinations to identify as female before April 2021), and these co-occurring symptoms were not considered at all before he started on the prescribed medicines. Most tellingly, just before identifying as transgender, Jonathan's romantic advances were rebuffed by the woman of their affection. Subsequently, Jonathan also lost every friend they had, thereby remaining completely alone in their dorm room for the greater part of their last two years of undergraduate education. However, these psychological symptoms were never explored. Jonathan was recommended to start on estradiol and spironolactone immediately, which they did – and their physical and mental health symptoms have deteriorated since. Jonathan is also quite depressed, spending all their time without emerging from their room.

That is not surprising since, when it comes to the recent research on estrogen in natal males, excess estrogen in the serum in natal males has been associated with depression – studies among adult men and adolescent boys show that. Clinical studies (i.e., studies that recruit actual subjects and follow them clinically rather than rely on anonymous, online, non-probability surveys) that promote gender medicine fail to show any improvement in psychosocial outcomes among natal males. For example, the New England Journal of Medicine study from early 2023 concluded that hormone therapy is psychologically beneficial for transgender youth. However, in the main text, the study finds no improvement in depression, anxiety symptoms, or life satisfaction among natal male youth (the relevant paragraph is at the bottom of page 244 of the journal issue).

Thus, psychologically, there is ample evidence that excess estrogen is associated with depression among natal males. Physiologically, recent research shows that estrogen might have far more deleterious effects. A study showed that 12 months of estrogen treatment among transgender women leads to a decrease in serum BDNF levels. That is significant because a separate study shows that this decrease in serum BDNF level is associated with increased risks of developing MDD (or major depressive disorder).  Lower levels of brain BDNF levels have also been associated with neurodegenerative disorders and found in the brains of patients with Alzheimer's, Parkinson’s, MS, and Huntington’s disease.

A high-quality rodent study shows that estrogen therapy among adult male rats leads to changes in their brains that resemble the changes in the brains of trans women. (There have been several other studies (2 links) among trans women that have shown these changes, but the rodent study indicated the mechanism by which these changes occurred in the brain.) Specifically, estrogen seemingly reduced the water content in the astrocytes and thereby disturbed the delicate homeostasis in the brain by increasing the relative concentration of glutamate (the brain's most abundant excitatory neurotransmitter), leading to glutamate excitotoxicity. As the Cleveland Clinic informs us, an increase in glutamate in the brain is associated with higher risks of neurological disorders like Alzheimer's disease, ALS, and many other diseases like multiple sclerosis. The research also showed that estrogen decreased brain cortical thickness and volume (which other studies have linked to patients with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder and lower levels of general intelligence). Furthermore, it was found to reduce cortical white matter integrity (which is related to cognitive instability). There is also empirical evidence of the lowering of cognitive abilities among transgender women that was presented at the EPATH conference in April 2023 (in Killarney, Ireland) - the researchers noted this decline among long-term patients at Amsterdam's famed gender clinic.

Research in the last few years shows that estrogen therapy among trans women has been associated with higher risks of various autoimmune diseases, from multiple sclerosis (recall, too, the association of MS with an increase in glutamate) to rheumatoid arthritis and many others in between. It has been associated with increases in the risks of prostate cancer and breast cancer. It increases risks of cardiovascular diseases (2 links), often by as much as tenfold compared to their cisgender counterparts.

Empirically, we see a much higher incidence of many of these physical and neurological diseases in the transgender population. It is perhaps not a coincidence, therefore, that population cohort studies (2 links) show that trans women, on average, die decades earlier than either cisgender men or women.

When I approached the Endocrine Society with what I had found and pointed out that many of these findings came out after the publication of their guidelines in 2017, I received an email from their Director of Clinical Practice Guidelines that they are currently fast-tracking a revision of those guidelines. She also mentioned that their evidence evaluation criteria have changed since the guidelines were published and that they now use the GRADE criteria for evaluating evidence. This is encouraging, but I have no idea how long it will take for the new guidelines to appear.

I point all of this out because Jonathan has the chance to start afresh and be reevaluated at Apex University's healthcare system. We increasingly see them stumbling with their memory, something that we could not even think of a year earlier – Jonathan used to have a photographic memory ever since they were a child. Having heard so much about Apex's medical school, we have high hopes that Jonathan's evaluation at Apex University's medical system will be more thorough than it has been so far. Let me be clear: We have no doubt about their gender dysphoria or their intense discomfort in their traditional gender role – we worry about that all the time. It is just that we have observed that medicalization has not brought them any balm so far – in fact, just the opposite. While the absence of any upsides (and the possible significant downsides) in the literature – psychological or otherwise – heightens our alarm.

After all, it is not only a lone voice like ours, but even mainstream media like the Economist (their April 5 issue with the cover story “The evidence to support medicalized gender transitions in adolescents is worryingly weak” comes to mind) and storied institutions like the British Medical Association and the systematic reviews of the literature from national medical associations of very transgender-friendly countries like Sweden, Finland, Norway, the UK, and (most recently) Denmark that are raising the alarm on the lack of high-quality evidence of any benefits from hormone therapy. (And these reviews I mention above cover only the evidence of the psychological effects of the hormones – they do not even consider the long-term physiological consequences.)

If all the evidence from the past few years is to be believed, there is now quite a body of evidence of genuine harm from administering estrogen to the natal male body (I have not researched the effects of excess testosterone on the natal female body, and so I cannot comment on that.)

As one of the world's leading lights in healthcare to nudge society toward better outcomes through research, Apex University will be well placed to lead the march for evidence-based care in gender-affirming care.

Thank you very much for reviewing the evidence that I have found and considering our child's health as they start their journey at Apex University. Please let me know if you have any questions. I look forward to hearing back from you.

With warmest regards,

XXX

A few days later, I got their response. I have highlighted the relevant portions of their email and annotated them within brackets [all formatting mine]. As I said, it’s quite revealing.

Dear XXX:

Thank you very much for sharing your concerns about your child with us.

…Apex U's Student Health Center (Apex SHC) is not directly affiliated with Apex Medical School and we do not provide care under the umbrella of the hospital. [Is the respondent making sure that the medical school is not implicated if something goes wrong with our son?] However, we do collaborate closely with our colleagues at the hospital and medical school, including in the management of our student receiving gender affirming care.

…

Gender affirming care is a unique process in medicine in that we are not aiming to treat and eliminate a disease process. [Ah, an admission that there is no real goal of treatment through this care. Finally! But read on…it gets better.] Instead, we are using the tools of medicine to help individuals achieve very personal and sometimes nebulous [nebulous? WTF? After all these years of "settled science," all we have is “nebulous?”] physical and emotional goals. Success is not based on a clinical metric but usually involves a better quality of life balanced with potential risks including morbidity and mortality. [So, finally, an explicit admission – success is not based on any clinical metric. That makes complete sense to us inconvenient parents. After all, how can there be? There never have been any metrics, ever. At. All. All we have are some "nebulous" ideas of "better quality of life" – as decided by the patient right now, with no consideration of what might happen in the future as a result of the free dispensation of off-label medication. And oh, by the way, that "better quality of life" includes morbidity factors and dying much faster.] We at the Apex SHC make every effort to ensure that our patients are well-informed [in other words, make sure that they have signed the informed consent forms!] about each decision that they make and have time to consider these impacts without pressure [The irony of the sentence – “have time to consider these impacts without pressure.” Wow! really?]

Should your child decide to engage with us in care, our commitment to them is to prioritize their safety [oh, the irony, once more!], the elements of their well-being that we can support [the rest – whether caring for them for the rest of their lives or paying for their illnesses and hospitalizations, with a big fuck you to your dwindling retirement funds – is up to you, you bigoted parents!], and to help them make a bright future for themselves.

Very best,

AAA

As I read and re-read the email, all I could think was – Wow! What an amazing letter! AAA has no qualms admitting that there are no clinical goals of treatment when it comes to gender-affirming care. This is really quite convenient if you think about it—if there are no aims, any outcome is fine! No wonder these physicians get all flustered when we inconvenient parents ask them about clinical goals and outcomes.

All that these caring physicians want to achieve are some nebulous (which the dictionary defines as unclear, vague, or indefinite) goals. Oh, and please remember – once again – that those are personal goals, so please don’t ask about evidence of well-being. (An inconvenient question, though – why should such personal goals be funded by others, whether it is the government or private insurance?)

And what if, as a result of those nebulous goals, the patients go through psychological, emotional, and physical distress for the rest of their lives, as detailed in the medical literature? Really, shame on you, you bigoted parents! Always such a nag! Always the party pooper. Why do you have to ask such inconvenient questions? Haven’t these caring physicians already made it clear that these are personal goals and that it really doesn’t matter that young children who are distressed might have no idea how to make a rational choice about the future? Who cares if they become hyper-fixated about something, as young children are wont to?

But then again, really, there is no pressure. No pressure at all. These kids are otherwise well-adjusted grown adults who know exactly who they are. Probably from the time they were toddlers. (What? You want evidence? This is getting really tiring. Give it a break, will you?) These are kids who are not immersed online, who do not gulp down narratives about “gender euphoria.” They are stable, rational human beings with a very clear idea of what the future holds.

All these well-meaning saints – these gender-affirming physicians – want is to give these kids a bright future: a future so bright that it will probably include that intense bright light these pitiable young men will see when they die decades earlier than their non-medicalized peers. Who are you parents to stand in their way?

(CONTEXT: Who Am I? and What’s my story?)

This two-year journey of anguish and distress has been like no other period in our lives. The first part of the journey involves a lot of anger and confusion and fear. Your child is suddenly someone you don't know and very insistently so. You are caught off guard by her hostility and shocked that there was an alternate identity taking shape behind her recent defensiveness and self-isolation.

You end up in a yelling match, or worse, at the hospital after a suicide threat. The staff at the hospital and in social services will not help you in any way. They are purportedly there to help your child, but they are actually there to defend an ideology, a new orthodoxy - a whole new religion - and to impose their wills upon your beliefs. To them, you are a heretic, an apostate, so burning you at the stake via the imposition of state-sponsored thuggery is not out of the question.

Caught Between Competing Desires

And so you feel helpless, caught between, on one hand, a desire to help your child by continuing to love her in your own home and, on the other, confronting the evil around her which means taking the risk that she might be removed from your home to be placed with supposedly “loving” foster parents who will fast track her toward cross-sex hormones and surgeries to amputate or remove healthy body parts. All in the name of “affirmation”.

Do you think I’m exaggerating? Let me prove to you that I’m not. Check out this page on the official website of the Government of Ontario. The page is called “Serving LGBT2SQ children and youth in the child welfare system”.

These people are not shy about publicly posting guidelines online proclaiming that: 

“In some cases, it may be necessary to bring a child or youth to a place of safety while parents or caregivers learn how to better support their LGBT2SQ children and youth…” 

and that 

“In situations where a parent-child separation is required, the chosen placement should be one that affirms the child or youth’s LGBT2SQ identity…” 

Putting them into these “affirming” foster homes means, and I quote: 

“allowing them to freely and openly express their identity. This includes supporting a child or youth’s choice of clothing or hairstyle, which can be important aspects of self-expression. It may also include supporting access to tools (e.g., chest binders, packers, stand-to-pee devices), gender-confirming health care and/or interventions (e.g., hormone treatments, hair removal) that for some children and youth may help them to feel their body better aligns with their gender identity.” 

You read that correctly: if you are unwilling to provide your confused child with chest binders, packers, stand-to-pee devices, hormone treatments, and hair removal services, the Government of Ontario is happy to step in, remove your child from your home and provide those “services”.

How is no one screaming about this?! Can I get an advocate?!?

Walking a Fine Line

As difficult as the last two years have been, I cannot imagine what these years would have been like if our daughter had been taken from us and placed in a home like the one described above. And so, we walk a fine line. We give her all the love we have every day because we want her in our home. We hope that love will break through, that loving her is not in vain and that this love will eventually break the spell and dissolve the delusion. 

And we do what we can, somewhat covertly, to fight against the evil that is happening in plain sight. I write essays like this for PITT. I take on private speaking engagements. We reach out to other parents. We talk to any school board employees or teachers who are willing to listen. We take advice from professionals and try to find a psychotherapist for our daughter who is both professional and brave (so far, no luck). 

This is a very dark place to live but, for now, it is our place. And we understand it is where many of you reading this essay live now as well. We welcome your prayers and if you are experiencing a similar ordeal, we’d be happy to pray for you. 

Feel free to get in touch at anontransparent@icloud.com

In June, my daughter graduated from a “top” private school in our city, a major city in the US Mid-Atlantic area.  From 2009, when she started there in pre-K, until 12th grade, when she graduated, this school was her second home. In 8th grade, we now know, she asked her school advisor to refer to her with “they/them pronouns”.  Since that time, she has socially transitioned at school in lockstep with a handful of friends. We learned of this midway through her 10th grade year, when she told us—with her therapist present and via Zoom (though at the time, we were all at home). At this point, she had been self-harming and suffering from anxiety and depression.

Over the years I have conveyed my concerns to her school about their policies regarding gender theory, namely that they do not inform parents of their child’s gender questioning and that, through assorted ways, gender theory has seeped into the lives of the students—without any guardrails. My message to the school administrators has consistently been that they’ve gotten ahead of themselves, that they are ‘playing with fire,’ etc.  Nothing changed.

As my daughter headed to college last week, identifying as a trans-man, I felt compelled to attempt to shares my concerns with the school one last time. I am sharing the text of what I wrote. Perhaps others may want to copy or borrow from it.

—

Dear Head of School,

I write again about the issue of gender theory in our School.  But I am not writing to continue debating gender theory’s place there. Rather, I’m writing to repeat one of my central concerns – transparency at the School – and to share how it played out in our family. I note that we have brought up transparency previously.  

At any other time in history, if a minor child was known to be suffering from body dysphoria or experiencing decoupling from their sexed body, the parents would be notified. And the parents would participate in the discussion of how to best support their child. But that is not happening today’s world, including at our School. 

The School has a transparency imperative that it is failing to meet. Devastating consequences result. In this regard, I offer a firsthand account of our lived experience with the School’s programming and policies. 

As my oldest daughter struggled with gender confusion, her anxiety and depression were compounded by the School’s policy on “Student Transitions”. If my husband and I had known the extent of her pain sooner, we could have been more supportive and helped to ease her anxiety. Instead, she suffered alone—for years. This torments us. The School’s “Student Transitions” policy has had a devastating impact on my daughter and on our family. If you have not gone through this, I assure you that you do not understand it. The School’s Community Handbook explains that in 5th through 12th grades:

Generally, notifying a student’s parent or guardian about a student’s identity, expression, or transition is unnecessary, as they are already aware and may be supportive. In some cases, however, notifying parents carries risks for the student. 

Partnering with or even informing parents is not a given. Rather, “the School will work closely with the transitioning student to determine how best to support a transition” before potentially notifying parents. Does this mean the School worked closely with my child? 

• If so, who worked with her? 

• What was the nature of the “close work”? 

• Who at the School is qualified for such “close work” with a minor child?

Or is the opposite true?

• Did the School know of my daughter’s issues and do nothing to help her? 

I know that faculty members knew of her situation: Indeed, one faculty member even emailed my daughter to congratulate her for changing her name at school to traditionally male name. That same teacher high-fived her for doing so. This is outrageous. Even earlier, we know that a teacher in grades 7/8 explicitly knew of her issue.

I am not sure which is worse—the fact that the School was “working closely” with my minor child without involving us, or that the School did nothing other than encourage her despite acknowledged “health, well-being, and safety” risks.

A policy that excludes parents is absolutist and based on insulting assumptions. In our case it made for awful consequences. Safe spaces are very important for kids, I agree. But I am dubious that the School appreciates the complexities of how these particular issues play out in the lives of students. I also have to wonder what the policy teaches these children about relationships with their parents—that secrets are healthy and will keep them safe? In our family, we have told our children that if an adult asks you to keep a secret from your parents, that is cause for concern. It also stands to reason that any teacher or adult keeping secrets from parents is suspect, not to mention of questionable ethics. 

I don’t want a protracted debate on gender theory. I simply want to describe our experience living with the School’s policies and programming, in particular, its lack of transparency with parents.  

I also appreciate the offer to meet with us and the offer to get help for our daughter, but I respectfully decline both. I assure you that we have gone, and continue to go, to great lengths to help her.  We are ready to close her chapter at the School, though this conclusion to her 14 years there is a sad one. 

I simply wish to emphasize:

• Transparency in the “Student Transitions” policy, the School’s approach to gender theory in general, and individual students’ experience is highly problematic and remains unaddressed by you or anyone we have engaged with starting in 2019 (I note that the promised changes to information for Grades 5-8 parents have not been made).

• The School explains that it recognizes a social justice rationale to its posture on gender theory—but there is an iatrogenic effect on children that the School seems not to acknowledge or perhaps, honor.  I am here to tell you firsthand how it sometimes plays out for vulnerable minors (note: there are many School families in our position).

• The School has a material role in experiences like ours.  And I wholeheartedly believe that the School does not appreciate the particular phenomena at play.  We have been pressing for years for acknowledgment of the complex implications of these issues. 

Finally, I am requesting a full accounting of our daughter’s experience dealing with this issue at the School. Among other things, it may aid her healing process. 

For more on this author.

Every person has their own personal red line, an individual point where they say: This far and no further. One of my fundamental, non-negotiable red lines is the protection of children, not least because I work as a teacher and I’m very passionate about my job.

Two years ago, I had my first experience with a trans-identifying student, let’s call her Nina. I met Nina in 2019, when she came to our middle school at the age of ten (our school is a big school complex combining pre-school, primary, middle and high school). Even back then Nina was already very tall for her age and a little curvy, and around the time she turned eleven, she underwent a rapid physical change. She was the first one in her class who developed curves, while most of the other girls of her class were still very childish, both mentally and physically. Nina’s class was quite an interesting mix of all kinds of kids: little girls with pigtails like Pippi Longstocking, diligent straight-A students and a tomboyish basketball player, pre-pubescent soccer boys, some well-behaved bookworms and a Netflix nerd, a rebellious dyslexic boy with ADHD—it was a real hodgepodge of different and adorable students. And then there was Nina. Despite being well integrated in her class, I always noticed a kind of barrier with her, a certain kind of distance that separated her from the others. She got along well with both her male and female classmates but, at the same time, she was so far ahead of them and her mind moved in completely different spheres. Like many ROGD children, she was an avid manga reader who was lost in fantasy worlds and loved drawing. It soon became clear to me that, thanks to social networks like TikTok and Instagram, she knew about many “fashionable topics” from the US – such as the newest Netflix show or ideas about gender – that the other students were completely oblivious to.

Half a year after I met Nina the COVID pandemic hit and contact to my students was limited to video calls on screens. When the children came back to school after three months of remote classes and two months of summer vacation, I didn’t notice a change in Nina straight away—we were all just happy to see each other again and to be able to go to school, even if we had to wear a mask. But then, during sixth grade, things changed: Nina suddenly cut her thick black hair short and wore a sports cap. She started to dress in wide black sweaters which would cover her chest.

Two Plus Two

Why are so many children declaring war on their own bodies?

A commentary on “Als Bürger habe ich Angst, was Sie mit meinen Kindern vorhaben” (published in Cicero Magazine on December 10, 2022) There is a very powerful pencil drawing by Iranian-British artist Raoof Haghighi that I am always reminded of whenever the topic of children and transition comes up. It sho…

Read more

3 years ago · 17 likes · 3 comments · Ms. M

When I returned to class after a longer period of sick leave, I noticed that some of Nina’s close friends had started to call her by a new name and to address her as “him”. I asked my colleagues what this was about and they explained to me that, during my absence, Nina had changed her name and wanted to be addressed as a boy. Many of my colleagues were a little skeptical about this, but did use the new name at least. After careful consideration I decided to just not address the matter at all; after all I didn’t officially know anything about Nina’s name and pronoun change. I already intuited back then – even though I was much less informed about the topic of transgenderism than today — the fact that Nina was very precocious and that finding herself inside the body of an adult woman at eleven years old inevitably had to cause her great discomfort. This phase is anything but rare with girls. I myself ran around with a boy’s haircut and plaid shirts for around a year at that age because I really disliked the “girly” girls and wasn’t quite ready to leave my childhood fantasy worlds behind. My big idol at that time was George from Enid Blyton’s Famous Five novels (and I looked exactly like her). But just because a girl runs around wearing boys’ clothes and likes being tomboyish doesn’t mean she is a “trans boy”.

So I was careful to steer clear of having to use Nina’s name or use a pronoun. I just left her alone on that topic, but at the same time I went ahead with my classes as usual. I remember one lesson about conditional sentences in English class that I like to introduce using Beyoncé’s song If I Were a Boy: The girls had to formulate sentences about what they would do if they were boys, while the boys had to write down sentences about what they would do if they were girls. Children tend to have a lot of funny ideas and we had a blast with that lesson. The kids were singing that song for weeks to come. When we collected the ideas on the board, I remember that Nina didn’t raise her hand—and I simply left her be.

Because, observing her closely, I noticed that, beside the uneasiness about her body, there was also an uneasiness about her new name. She never insisted on it, she didn’t write it on class tests and, if I inadvertently used her real name, she didn’t correct me. When we went on a class trip in seventh grade, it stood beyond doubt – thank God – that Nina would sleep in one of the girls’ rooms along with her girlfriends. She felt comfortable with them. And when she finally started to wear revealing tops under her wide sweaters, which could be zipped open in the front, I slowly began to feel relief, interpreting it as a sign that she might now be ready to accept this part of her body. No breast binders, instead she wore tops with low necklines.

I’m not Nina’s teacher anymore, but I still see her in the schoolyard with her friends, all of them girls. She is still wearing those low necklines and she’s growing her hair again. I haven’t seen her wear that sports cap for a while now. A colleague told me recently that Nina is using her own name again in her new class.

Nina was able to develop and progress the way she did because, here in Southern Europe, gender ideology has not yet gained significant societal traction. Even though there is a loud and powerful minority that has captured political and academic institutions in order to push gender ideology (see Ley Trans, the self-ID bill that was recently passed in Spain), the situation cannot be compared to countries like the United States or Great Britain. Not yet. Slowly but surely, through political institutions, via the internet and social media, ideas about transitioning and transgenderism are trickling into the minds of our children. And more often than not, it's children like Nina who are already struggling during their puberty that are hit by these ideas: They are the perfect target for this ideology that threatens to push them on a dangerous path towards puberty blockers and hormone therapy, towards sex reassignment surgeries and mastectomies. A path that denies them their right to be children for as long as they can be. A path that propagates falsehood.

When observing trends in the anglosphere, where finally measures are being taken against the epidemic of transgenderism among children (the shutdown of the Tavistock clinic in Great Britain as well as proposed laws in several US states to make access to medical transition more difficult for children), I feel like someone who is vigilantly awaiting the calm before the storm here in Southern Europe, someone who is still living in the past but has already seen the terrible future. The tsunami-like wave of gender indoctrination, from which we have been shielded for the most part so far, it is about to hit us with full force. In nearly ten years of working as a teacher I did not encounter a single “trans child”, Nina was the first.

This school year we suddenly have two trans-identifying students in our high school—both “trans boys”, i.e. girls who identify as boys. In the pre-school section of our school complex, a new teacher introduced himself with his “preferred pronouns” for the first time. This spring there is a new sexuality workshop for our ninth graders where they won’t just talk about things like relationships and contraception but also about the concept of gender. It’s undeniable that by increasingly making gender ideology a subject of discussion and continually propagating it via peers and the internet, we are creating a powerful social contagion effect. It’s a vicious circle and in extreme cases the price for it may be a horrific one.

@tiresias.asoc3 tipos diferentes de mastectomia en chicos trans 🏳️‍⚧️🤍 #trans #mastectomyreconstruction #fyp @Luck @Hugo Marlo @Gael

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I’m terrified that soon there won’t be just two trans-identifying students at our school but two “trans children” per class. That the confusion created by gender ideology will spread like wildfire and that stories like the one about a class in the US where a quarter of the students identify as trans will be become reality here, too. That parents will lose the right to educate their own children. That at the end of the transgender epidemic there will be hundreds and thousands of girls like Chloe Cole, who was pushed into medical transition by neglectful therapists and doctors and their misdiagnoses, and who underwent a double mastectomy at the age of 15. She doesn’t know whether, after years of taking cross-sex hormones, she will ever be able to bear children.

The transgender trend – and yes, it is a trend, it is a cult even – is about to cause damage to a whole generation of children and teenagers, which will in many cases be irreversible. When I think about how narrowly Nina escaped from harm’s way, I hope from the bottom of my heart that this trend will just pass us, that we will be spared and that we will learn our lesson from what happened and is still happening in countries like the US and Great Britain. Our individual influence on the political level is somewhat limited. Therefore, we must use everything we have to fight this destructive ideology in our everyday lives. Children cannot protect themselves. It’s down to us, the adults, to lead by example with wisdom, foresight and courage and to expose the incoherence, irrationality, destructiveness and lies of transgender ideology, so that it cannot inflict harm on our families and communities.

Nina didn’t take the step towards hormone therapy. Nina still has both of her breasts. She is growing her black hair again. She seems to be on a good path to understanding, accepting, and hopefully one day embracing the fact that she is a girl and will be a woman. She has found her way without any pressure of peers, teachers, psychologists or doctors. Sometimes when I see her out on the schoolyard, my eyes well up with tears thinking about what could have happened to her if the circumstances had been minimally different or if someone had strongly affirmed her in her delusion. Children like Nina, they are my red line. And protecting them from the mutilation of their own body, that is the reddest line of all.

Dear Ms. L. and Ms. J:

I requested a meeting with Ms J. several weeks ago but I think instead I will just ask that you read my email today regarding our son, T.

He has been wanting to identify as transgender for some time and we understand that he is now referred to as Tess and she/her in some of his classes. We were anticipating this and think we understand the rationale for teachers and staff complying with kids’ wishes. We think it ostensibly comes from wanting to be kind and of course, so they can just get on with teaching our kids, so I thank you for that.

My husband and I are liberals but we are also firm believers in science. We are both surprised that something that was so strange and rare has become so trendy and not so rare with our kids.  T, (we don’t call him Tess) seems to be trying to fit in using transgender as a way in.

T was diagnosed as autistic five years ago. He has always struggled to fit in and nearly always gets rejected probably because he just doesn’t know the best way to relate to kids his age. He is currently seeing a therapist who focuses on his social skills and autism.  T’s feelings that he is a girl are treated as secondary but likely related. The idea he is trying to fit in by saying he is transgender may seem strange but hear me out. People these days get a lot of positive feedback for coming out. “You’re so brave!” “Good for you!””Be your true self!” For a teenager who is isolated, awkward and struggles to connect, this may also make puberty easier to deal with since suddenly all the negative things about puberty can go into the same box. In our case, it seems like T feels that becoming a girl will magically fix all uncomfortable things for him.

I  understand that, on the surface, it appears kind to comply with our kids’ wishes to be socially transitioned—but it’s a lie and it feeds the delusion that we can actually change our sex just by declaring it. No matter what we may wish, we cannot fight biology.

This brings me to what I am hoping to accomplish with my email. First, I would like for all his teachers to read this email. Some are aware of our feelings—specifically the five I met with during parent/teacher conferences. One teacher sent him an encouraging email regarding his trans identification. This was inappropriate. Again, I understand teachers and staff using the preferred name and pronouns to create the best environment to teach. However, we believe that actively encouraging him “in their journey” steps over the line. So, secondly, I would say, just be neutral or maybe ask if an initial such as T might be okay. I understand this may be too awkward for teachers who have already starting calling him Tess, but my request still stands. Thirdly, I would just ask you to try and imagine what parents are going through with this. Social media and peer influence is huge and surely you have noticed a spike in trans identification especially since the pandemic. We really believe there’s a lot more to the situation for a lot of these kids other than a sense of mistaken gender. 

T has a tough year ahead because he will probably be having jaw surgery in September and unable to attend in person for the first couple of months—an issue we hope to discuss with Ms S. when her availability improves. Unfortunately, this will likely make him feel worse about himself as he is healing.

Thanks for listening.

I have a pretty comfortable teaching career.  I’m leaving it at the end of this year.   

As the sole breadwinner for my household, I’ve been blessed to have an income that hit the six-digits for the first time ever last year.  I live near the school where I work—a rarity for most urban dwellers. My schedule and course load are really manageable and I have great benefits.   

After attempts to move the needle in my school district regarding gender ideology, I’ve concluded that I no longer have a clear conscience about working in a setting in which this issue affects me on an hourly (not daily – hourly) basis. And based on the publication that you’re reading this in, you can probably guess why. 

I would like to welcome you to my school’s teachers’ lounge, webinars, and faculty meetings to give you an idea of why our schools are becoming manufacturing plants producing dozens of trans-identifying kids.  I will also share a few things I attempted to do to change things, the fact that I failed, and why I have to leave. 

I remember a teacher meeting in 2015 in which a young arts instructor sitting next to me said to everyone that we should have all students introduce themselves with their pronouns and found that to be an odd way of advocating for the inclusion of the handful of students we had who might identify as a different gender. 

Things kept evolving and, for awhile I thought it was mostly a new development among our young people.  But then I saw information coming down the pipeline from the school district and eventually started to learn that my school district wasn’t going to just foster acceptance and tolerance—it was actually going to become a disseminator of the new ideology.  

In late 2018, I opened my inbox to find an “integrity memo” stating that parental consent is not required to refer to students by a different name, pronoun, or gender.  Accommodations for overnight trips were to be made “in accordance with their gender identity”, and that “notification of accommodations is not required to either the parent(s)/guardian(s) of the transgender student or those of their peers.”  That seemed egregious.  I passed this onto Abigail Shrier who then posted it on Twitter.  I figured that this would bring some much-needed bad publicity to my school district and possibly pressure them to change their policies.   

A couple years later, my school district released an online module all employees in the district had to complete.  I was shocked to hear the presenter – an employee of the school district’s central office – assert that “the concepts of gender and sex are actually not rooted in biology… Instead, they are socially constructed, which means they have been created and enforced by people in a society.”  I rolled my eyes as I watched and listened to this webinar, which was longer than the combined durations of the webinars about chronic conditions and being a mandated reporter.

Listening to that webinar wasn’t the end.  A group of activist teachers at my school, led by a teacher who identifies as trans-femme, found the information to be so incredibly valuable that they believed it was important for us to turn around and teach it to the students.  They took a lot of content from that webinar and developed it into a mini-presentation for students that they sent out for all of us to present during the homeroom/advisory hour. 

In a faculty meeting set aside to prepare us to present it to students, one teacher-presenter insisted that “this is doctrine” according to our state and the school district, while chopping his hand in a Bible-thumping, Southern Baptist preacher motion.  

The trans-femme teacher says that students who offer different pronouns – such as, “I go by she/they” – need to be referred to by both sets of pronouns, and that we need to mix them up, or they will notice.  This teacher also stated that she sends out a Google form once a month for students to indicate if their name, gender, or pronouns have changed.  Another teacher (who uses they/them pronouns) said that one of their students wears a color-coded bracelet to indicate which pronouns they will be using that day.  

Another teacher chimed in and suggested that the newly designated gender-neutral bathroom should have the urinals removed from it to make it feel like a more gender-neutral space.  Dozens of heads around the room nodded in agreement.  My head was thinking about how little they understand about the cost of construction and plumbing.  

Having to teach this to students was when I knew trouble was really brewing for me.  Affirming my students’ alternative names that they choose primarily from Greek mythology and outer space, and affirming their alternative genders on an hourly basis was problematic enough.  Concealing student info from parents violated my conscience enough.  But now I had to teach the ideology itself to students.  I knew that the social studies teacher down the hall taught his students that the concept of binary gender was a western colonialist imposition, but that was not something I was willing to do.    

The day of the presentation came and went.  A few days later, an email with a strange request hit our inboxes.  One of the teacher presenters asked us to provide a post gender presentation survey link to our students in which two questions were asked.  The first question was, “Was the gender presentation given in your advisory?”  The second was, “Was the information given accurate?” 

I scratched my head.  Why would they ask teachers to pass along a survey to students asking the students to indicate that I did my job in presenting the content, and then ask the students if the content was accurate?  If a student marked that the information presented was inaccurate, who does that reflect on?  If I had opted to not present the content, would I have even shared that survey with students?  Did word spread through the grapevine that I didn’t say everything I was supposed to say, and they were on to me?  

At this point, I felt compelled to do more anonymous whistleblowing.  I reached out to LibsofTikTok with the content of my district’s long webinar about supporting gender non-conforming students.  She felt that it deserved a bigger audience (yes, bigger than LibsofTikTok) and hooked me up with FoxNews, who interviewed me and published this article in January 2022.  

Surely this would bring more pressure onto the district, I thought.  Surely this will generate some much needed heat.  Even Lara Trump quoted my statement from the article on an evening program.  A candidate for governor in my state posted the article and said that if elected, he would be doing something about these matters.  Look at all the waves I’m making!   

In September 2022, there were some updates to the online professional development session.  My district stated that “children who assert a gender-diverse identity know their gender as clearly and consistently as their peers” (emphasis is not mine – it’s theirs).  I shared it with LibsofTikTok, who then posted it to Twitter, and tagged my school district on it.  Now those folks at the central office will really be feeling it, I thought.  

Nothing changed.  Absolutely nothing.  The mean Twitter comments, the phone calls from media outlets, and the questions all just get thrown into the “hate mail” pile never to be seen. Whereas other school districts have heated town hall meetings about these policies and curriculum, my district is just too large to care about one anonymous whistleblower and too large to have school board meetings where the public can show up and express opposition.  Third graders will continue to share their pronouns and learn about binary and nonbinary genders the first week of class, and kindergarten girls will continue finding themselves in the bathroom with random fifth grade boys.  Yes, both of those things are happening.  

One day I was messaging back and forth with an old high school classmate about these district policies, particularly about the mandate to conceal a child’s name, gender, and pronouns from parents if requested.  She has a transgender identifying child herself.  She finds our district policies pretty appalling, and she typed “What are you going to do?”  That really hit me.  A friend of mine with a trans-identifying child finds much of this to be really off-base and was asking me what I was going to do—the presumption being, I had to do something other than keep plowing away.  And the best conclusion I came to was that I must leave.  

Being a public school teacher used to be one of the most innocent career paths that one could choose.  The job description of a teacher doesn’t include using sly tactics like a used car salesman, making fake promises like a political candidate, or pollution of the environment like a manufacturing plant.  You learn a subject, learn how to teach it, be firm and friendly with students, coach a sport and inspire your students to keep discovering. 

Unfortunately, many public school districts have been overtaken by activist teachers who are deeply interested in dismantling the concept of gender and are profoundly anxious to talk about it with their students.  And now we have hit a point in which harmful, incorrect notions of gender are embedded into professional development and curriculum.  Dissenters have three choices:  stomach it and deal with it on an hourly basis in order to keep your paycheck, stay and keep speaking out against it, or leave.  

Parents will have to confront these same three choices as well. My choice is to leave. And on my way out the door and beyond, I intend to make as many parents as possible aware of what is happening so that they can make a well-informed educational decision for their children.  What will your decision be?  

Times have clearly changed—but now, from the outside, I am going to do my best to blow the whistle and restore sanity to my once honorable profession.

This is a letter written by a couple of parents as a response to a talk given by an expert in their kids' school about diversity. We would like to share it with other parents who want to give a critical response to schools and workplaces authorities about the
current gender indoctrination. The letter can serve as a model and includes reliable sources helpful for families to have handy as they develop their own responses".

Although the contents of the talk seem very consistent with current dogma, we believe the information presented acquires serious examination. As parents, it seems that the speech includes a lot of information that is debatable, risky, or even false.

THE TALK

The psychologist ……………………..presented as a consultant and expert on LGBT issues presented issues that are very relevant to the development of children and adolescents. While we won’t provide a systematic review of her talk, the main contents include the following:

1. The expert stated that some children and adolescents go through a psychosexual development that can be very different. The gingerbread cookie diagram points out all the possibilities that can occur and the different combinations of a) gender identity (typically male or female), b) people to whom someone is attracted to (male or female), c) behavioral expression (within the spectrum typically male to typically female), and d) biological manifestation of primary and secondary sexual characteristics (typically male or female body).

2. As a fundamental rule, she pointed out that all the possibilities of experiences shown in the diagram would manifest within a gradual spectrum. In addition, its manifestation is not guided by a pre-established association pattern (for example, one may have been born a woman, with a current masculine gender identity, bisexual orientation, and with typically masculine behaviors). Finally, there is talk of fluidity, by which a person can move or transit from one state to another, at any time in life.

3. From this description, she urged the audience to assume that realities have changed and that it is very important to recognize all these diversities. The accent was placed on the fact that any experience of sexuality or new gender is as legitimate as any other.

4. Regarding gender identity, she stated that it constitutes an essential, private condition known only by the person him/herself. No one who knows him/her not even his/her parents would have access to a truth as intimate as that. Sometimes, unfortunately, the "sex assigned at birth" does not match the gender identity that the person perceives for him/herself. Given this, the child or young person who decides to assume his/her new truth, could by himself and for himself determine his new gender.

5. Given the above, if a child seeks to explore his/her sexuality or assigns a new gender to him/herself, the only thing that would be expected is that the parents allow his/her free expression. It is assumed that we live in the era of recognition and appreciation of diversities, anything else would be a coercive and dehumanizing act towards them. For the expert who gave the talk, if a child wants to try something different, and then they realize that they like it and it makes them feel good, it means that this is their path. On the contrary if, after exploring, the child realizes that they feel very uncomfortable, there would be nothing to fear, since there is no risk in backing down. Finally, in terms of exploration, it was suggested that if parents oppose a child's behavior, they should keep in mind that this would have an amplifying effect on their child's behavior.

6. In the case of children and adolescents who declare themselves to have gender dysphoria, what would correspond is to facilitate their social, legal, hormonal and surgical transition. According to this, each person should be treated according to the name and pronoun they choose for themselves. In addition, there would be hormonal blockers of puberty, whose effect is considered totally reversible. What must be kept in mind according to the presenting expert is that if parents oppose the progress of their children's transition, they would also risk a high probability of suicide. So, fathers and mothers would have to choose whether they want to have a trans child or a dead child.

7. In short, parents were invited to “open their minds,” and keep up to date with the times. It was promoted to understand that sexuality and gender issues always have ultimately an essential and mysterious component. Faced with this, it is only possible to accept, value and celebrate the condition of each one. Children should be released, their condition would never be debatable, let alone questioned.

AFFIRMATIVE MODEL

The talk presented by the expert psychologist follows the dominant discourse, reproducing concepts easily found on the Internet, from Wikipedia to books by famous academics such as Judith Butler or Paul Preciado. Its background spirit is highly visible in culture and in the media. It can be heard on television, in company trainings, and in universities. This is affirmative discourse, which arose as a counter to decades and centuries of coercion and mistreatment of sexual minorities.

According to the affirmative model, everyone is free to be what they are. And no one is in a position to question another person's gender identity. This position reveals a zeal for the freedom and rights of all sexual minorities. It constitutes an ethical and social cause, in defense of groups that have historically been oppressed. However, although the affirmative discourse would represent a kind of historical overcoming of the previous model, it would be convenient to stop and analyze some of its cracks and contradictions.

Before presenting our objections, it is important to clarify that an exercise of intellectual criticism against a social trend does not in any way represent a marginalizing, abusive or transphobic attitude. In fact, raising doubts about the explosion of a recent wave of children and adolescents who self-diagnose themselves as dysphoric does not in any way mean violating the dignity or social rights of this group. Rather, it is an exercise in thinking about things, evaluating their origin, countering with certain external validation criteria, and -above all- taking into account the consequences that this self-diagnosis can have for children and their families.

First Objection: Pointing out Major Distinctions

To begin with, in the affirmative discourse, one speaks in the name of sexual diversities: LGBTIQ+, where all the initials are equal. Why? Because it is assumed that all people must be recognized in their dignity and rights. However, without ignoring this equality, it is necessary to consider the enormous differences between these groups. For example, a first and thick distinction consists in verifying that those who subscribe to the initials LGB are characterized by having an experience in their lives - something very concrete and perceptible - which is feeling sexually attracted to people of the same sex or both.

Something different is what happens with those who identify with the letter T (trans). They are people who at some point in their lives come to the conviction that they were born in the wrong body. Said conviction, expressed as “gender dysphoria,”represents an idea, a belief, a self-representation of themselves. The background experience, then, is not that of an impulse but of a perception about themselves.

How does it happen? The person who self-identifies within this category has feels that they do not fit within common expectations of their gender. Faced with this discomfort, comes a response which is expressed as an assertion about intimate personal identity: "I am a woman in the wrong body, because I feel that way". "I am a man because that is my identity." To get to say this, no validation criteria is considered, no explanation required. Only an "inner feeling" is indicated, that is, "I am a man (or a woman) because that is how I feel." A tautological proposition.

What is the problem with this lack of explanation? That the self-declared trans person aspires to a gigantic process of social and bodily transformation, on a basis that was never established. Keeping the proportions, it would be like having a house in the city, and after a short time wanting to demolish it, to build a hut or a pagoda. Shouldn't that be explained?

On the other hand, it could be countered that those who conform to their gender never have to give an explanation about their gender experience. True, but they haven’t proposed such a radical denial or deconstruction of their identity and corporality.

Second objection: Development matters

Gender dysphoria can present during childhood or adolescence. It is documented that, of the cases in which childhood gender dysphoria occurs, without any type of intervention, 60-90% revert upon reaching puberty1 2. It would be good then to verify that gender dysphoria does not imply something definitive, but rather represents a condition of variable persistence. In addition, it has been clinically seen that cases of childhood gender dysphoria can be associated with other conditions, such as autism3 4 , depression, or sexual abuse5. Faced with this, it would be good clinical judgment to pay attention to its underlying factors.

Regarding adolescents, a phenomenon called "Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria"6 (Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria) has been described, whereby a young man or woman suddenly receives a kind of revelation. From one moment to the next, his/her concerns and his/her existential problems are described (pseudo-explained) as the fact of being born in the wrong body. To arrive at this conclusion, a long discernment process is not necessary, a comment from a friend or some internet searches would be enough. Indeed, let us remember that in the case of gender dysphoria, what happens is a self-diagnosis. And later, after this self-categorization, experts and specialists may come to confirm the adolescent's assertions.

Third objection: At present, it is not difficult to cross the Rubicon

Being transsexual today is not what it used to be. It is no longer marginal, but a trend. The main specialized gender clinics, have seen an exponential increase in cases7. In addition, the social contagion components of this trans wave have been studied and documented8.

To illustrate this, anyone can see how the transsexual and transgender issue is very present on the internet and social networks. A basic search on Google, YouTube, Tiktok, Reddit, or Tumblr, results in a series of testimonials that show how children and young people have experienced their gender transition process, from a state of vague and diffuse malaise, going through a personal revelation, then a revelation to his environment, to later find well-being and happiness through his/her new identity, to the extent that some change their name, take cross-sex hormones, and go through surgery. Faced with these testimonies, children and young people are encouraged to follow the path of others. Furthermore, videos that invite all viewers to question their own genders are not rare.

Thus, the conditions are created for children to change their mind about themselves. And when the change occurs, a rapid consolidation is acquired, in the manner of a truth or faith. From then on, it is most likely that a child or young person will find successive confirmations regarding their perception.

Fourth objection: crossing the Rubicon does not imply only losses, it also has gains

It is worth asking why the diagnostic criteria for gender dysphoria assume that a mere self-declaration is enough for someone to be considered as such. One of the explanations commonly put forward is that making a gender transition entails something very tragic and painful, with many losses. It is assumed that there would be no gain in wanting to do something like that.

However, in today's reality, things are not so. The first benefit is that, in these circumstances, a child gets an explanation for their discomfort. A story appears, a rereading of his life. That can be reassuring. Although, those who define themselves as trans can find a light at the end of the tunnel, a path to happiness. That is exactly what the testimonies tell him. Lastly, a self-defined trans person can find a new space of affective belonging with peers. The trans community offers significant support through the internet, chat rooms, foundations and NGOs.

Saying the above does not imply that those who declare themselves trans make a conscious and voluntary choice, or that they do it only to obtain those benefits. Nor does it not imply that their underlying discomfort and suffering is trivial. Rather, that is the issue: what could be appealed to is precisely to be able to find, together with them, what their deep emotional problem would be, what is that nucleus of non-acceptance of themselves. In this regard, families and education and mental health professionals would have a lot to do, encouraging young people to ask themselves questions, before arriving at answers written in stone.

Fifth objection: influence of self-classification

As in this talk, many sexual-affective education programs based on the affirmative model expose in detail all the possible variants of sexualities. It is assumed that this validates the presence and dignity of each one. It is presumed that this promotes self-acceptance. In addition, it is thought to prevent mistreatment of sexual minorities.

However, that exposure is not trivial. Why? Faced with this emphasis on the color palette, one of the problems that occurs is that children and young people are exposed early on to classify themselves, with a kind of urgency to know who they are. Not infrequently there is the case of young people who define themselves as one type or another of sexual diversity, without ever having held someone's hand, without ever having gone to a party, or without ever having kissed someone. In other words, it is like the world turned upside down: first self-classification occurs and then experience. Something is wrong here.

So, reflecting once more, is self-classification a way to strengthen self-esteem? Does it really end up like that?

Sixth objection: health professionals reproduce dominant discourse

As noted, the mental health diagnostic manuals are categorical: to diagnose gender dysphoria, only the declaration of the child is enough. Something like, "whoever says it, it is." A self-diagnosis, which is then ratified by a professional. It is here when the affirmative model becomes confirmative.

All of this leads to something very contradictory. According to the current dominant discourse, children and adolescents can question their gender, showing that their family and environment have been wrong in how they treat them. A young woman says, "I am not a woman; all this has been a big mistake. In reality I am a man. I want to be treated as a man and I want to see myself as a man.". By this order, the child or young person questions her story, but, in turn, her statement does not admit of any questioning or challenge. Any attempt to ask her for an explanation would be "offensive," and represent a "transphobic" act, not accepting what she "feels." That is the contradiction: it is the young woman who questions, but no one can question her.

Faced with this situation, the health professional aligns himself with the adolescent discourse. As bad as it seems, that's what the official clinical guidelines recommend. But let's think for a moment. Will that be okay? Where is the possibility that a mental health professional wonders about what is happening to his patient, beyond the literal content of his statements? In fact, in normal clinical practice, when a patient consults, let's say, due to depression or anorexia, it is to be assumed that the psychiatrist or psychologist is not going to agree with everything the patient says. Validating the literality of everything that a patient points out about himself can be dangerous, even more so if he is a child, with a brain and affective relationships that are still immature. It is not about waiting for a mental health professional to contradict what his patient tells him, but instead, to help him investigate what is behind what he says, what is his underlying problem.

Objection 7: Medical and surgical treatments have problems

The psychologist who gave the talk pointed out that there are two types of hormonal treatments. One of them, puberty blockers, which are completely reversible. What she didn't say is that this hormone therapy has numerous side effects9 10. Blockers are associated with short and long-term side effects. This is why they have been banned in countries including Finland11 and Sweden12 and are prescribed with great caution in France13. In addition, currently the FDA (Food and Drug Administration) only approves the use of puberty blockers in the treatment of precocious puberty, endometriosis, uterine fibrosis and certain types of cancer. The FDA has not approved the use of puberty blockers for use in children with gender dysphoria.

The presenter also neglected to mention that puberty blockers are not considered to be reversible. In fact, almost the children and adolescents who start this “reversible” treatment go on to crossed-sexed hormones and/or surgeries14. No reference was made to the side effects of the multiple surgeries offered by this growing market, which we won’t cover in this letter.

What the psychologist did emphasize is the risk of suicide. According to her, parents should follow what their children are living and asking for. While it is true that evidence has been presented in this regard, this evidence has been strongly disputed15 16. In fact, what has been seen is that the risk of suicide could be associated with other variables present in the history of young people who question their gender, such as sexual abuse, depression, or autism.

Eighth objection: in the transition, not everything is glory

There are various authors who have observed that the transition process can indeed be accompanied, for some period, by relief and even euphoria after certain milestones that mark the adoption of a new gender. However, in the long run, the discomfort and dysphoria tend to persist.

More than the clinicians, those who have realized this in a very solid way are "detransitioners," who, after a long journey, have regretted their transition, often after serious harm and irreversible changes. A deep depression ensues, understandably, with the risk of suicide. In this condition, people feel even more marginalized. Their testimonies are similar, like those of those young people who are beginning their transition. They point out that when they were very young, they joined a kind of sect and that they were sure of what they wanted...until they were no longer so sure.

FINAL COMMENTS AND SUGGESTIONS

School and its responsibility

A very important aspect of the school is that teachers, parents and students are encouraged to develop a critical vision of society and culture. There is particular concern for those who suffer and find themselves experiencing difficulties, including those who are marginalized.

Additionally, the school intends to have a leading role in the affective and sexual education of students. This objective crosses all stages of development. When approaching these subjects, the school has a great responsibility for the messages that are transmitted. It is important for the school to reflect deeply on these matters.

Identity construction

In the past, when current parents were children, there was more social trust, and children spent more time outside the house. The construction of identity from early childhood occurred through playing with peers in the open air, in the squares and in the streets. There were bicycles, skates, sports, fledgling love, pranks, so many things. Early on, the children rode the bus or walked to school. They had neighborhood friends.

This generation of children and adolescents grew up under the model of protection against the threats of abuse and delinquency. They lived between their home and school, often transported by car by their own parents. They don't have neighborhood friends. When they get home, they interact with the world through screens, particularly their cell phones. It is there where children and adolescents encounter social networks which open their world to many things, but at the same time close it to others.

Thus, currently a child is gradually building their identity from the privacy of their room. Lots of cell phones, few streets. This trend reached its peak during the forced confinement of the pandemic.

It is not surprising then that currently identity of children and adolescents has gone inwards. They are no longer social or religious causes; it is not so much the adherence to a soccer team or even the taste for a way of dressing. Now, it seems that identity is at stake in an important way by responding to sexuality and gender, understanding this as self-classification within a certain pre-established type.

The voice of the children

For centuries, children and adolescents did not matter. The children were not allowed to speak at the dinner table, they were physically punished, they were even reprimanded for writing with their left hand. Any hint of divergent behavior with respect to expected models was severely subjugated. The testimonies of sexual abuse were silenced. These were difficult times for children.

Today, children and young people have more voice and power. Their parents listen to them, their teachers too. Given this, the challenge is how to listen to them. Paying attention to everything they say or ask for? With what limits? And even more, with what consideration for stage of development? For example, will a young child be able to decide what his gender is if he still has so many things to know or experience? And if a teenager does not have legal authorization for such common things as voting, getting a driver's license, or buying alcohol at the supermarket, will he have enough judgment to weigh the implications of a social transition? Will he be able to decide on hormonal and surgical modifications to his body? Please, let's think things through. Questioning does not imply turning a deaf ear to the voice of children and adolescents. Rather, it necessary in order to guide the adults listening to that voice.

The questioning of gender

Throughout life, it expected that young people have dissatisfaction with oneself and one's own body. In particular, a boy may feel uncomfortable with his penis. A little girl does not imagine herself wearing a skirt. Later, adolescents may experience bewilderment and discomfort at the emergence of their secondary sexual characteristics. Men may dislike having so much hair. Women may feel that their menstruation and the growth of their breasts limit the possibility of doing things that men of the same age do with greater freedom. Does that mean they were born in the wrong body? No, it does not.

During childhood and adolescence, it may be normal to go through fantasies or imaginary identifications with some aspect traditionally associated with the other sex. Many of these fantasies transitory or permanent have been part of the history of homosexual people, but also of heterosexuals. But imagining something like this does not mean that the only possible conclusion is that gender must be questioned. And if a child feels gender-dissatisfied, it doesn't mean that they are essentially and definitely trans. It just means that he is not conforming to his gender.

Cultural penetration of the affirmative model

As has been pointed out, the affirmative model represents the currently dominant discourse. There are many reasons that have led to this position taking root, even in highly enlightened media. Its style coincides with the culture of these years: emphasis on seeking the path of individual happiness, giving rise to the simple acceptance of felt identities, siding with those who appear as victims of mistreatment and marginalization from society. Also, the wide acceptance of the affirmative model is partially due to the use of simple and high-impact messaging (e.g., “Trans rights are human rights”).

Additionally, the affirmative discourse has been identified with the progressive values ​​of tolerance, freedom, and acceptance of diversity (any questioning of gender theory tends to be associated with punitive and ultra-conservative values). Furthermore, the affirmative paradigm is easily embraced because we live in times when society feels guilty after having marginalized lesbians, gays, and bisexuals. By extension, one is careful to avoid history with those who do not accept their gender.

Lastly, being on the affirmative path is more natural, simple and untangled: you just have to say. Let them be. The easiest thing will always be to find the reason for a child or young person. It is a position that does not imply thinking or conflict. In short, when it is affirmative, one is in the place of the good ones.

Nothing is set in stone

Given the issues with affirming gender identity, it is important to stop and concider the culture and ideas in which we are immersed. It is necessary to give space to consider that, in the face of emerging social changes, no one can claim possession of the absolute truth. Not even the “experts,” nor an incipient “evidence”.

We live in times that call for prudence and to take things easy: you have to read a lot and pass that through a strainer. Better not to be afraid to rethink what one perceives. It is necessary to seek other opinions, dialogue in small groups, avoid polarization into ideological camps. Find the marginal discourse, the one that arises at the edges.

One should not be afraid of doubting a speech that appears to show solidarity with the victims of society's prejudices. Let us remember that, when rethinking things, it would in no way mean becoming transphobic, much less offending or being indifferent to the suffering and anguish of children and young people. Rather the opposite: because they matter, a space for reflection on their underlying discomforts could be opened.

Faced with an affirmative official truth, there is criticism of prevailing model (Errasti & Pérez, 2022; Moore & Brunskell-Evans, 2021; Shrier, 2021; Stock, 2022). The analysis are journalistic or academic, not ideological. None situate their position in value terms. They do not propose to defend traditional orders for the mere fact of being such. Seek authors who discuss these official truths, particularly, Kathleen Stock a woman who raises her ideas from her position as a philosopher, academic, feminist, lesbian and gender non-conforming (yes, gender non-conforming, but without self-determining a new gender).

BIBLIOGRAPHY

• Errasti, J. & Pérez, J. (2022) “Nadie nace en un cuerpo equivocado”

• Moore, M. & Brunskell-Evans, H. (2021) "Inventing transgender children and young people"

• Shrier, A. (2021) "Irreversible Damage"

• Stock, K. (2022) “Material girls”.

My husband and I braced ourselves before walking into the high school. It was parent teacher interview night.

We looked around and then we relaxed a bit. It had been a few years since we were here, and no one seemed to remember us. The crowded halls and classrooms were a nice distraction. At home, we’re the anguished parents of a 19-year-old daughter who told us out-of-the-blue five years ago that she’s actually our son. But here, we could blend in with the other parents, talk about our younger son and normal things like tests and homework. We could focus on the mundane.

We took a seat in front of Mrs. Thompson, the grade 10 history teacher. She’s the best kind of teacher—smart, kind, funny, passionate about her subject.

“It’s so great to see you!” she said, offering a warm handshake. “I’m so glad, so glad that you’re here.” 

Something was off. She looked us in the eye, but then hesitated, and glanced sideways and down at the papers on her desk.

“With Steven in my class this year, I saw the last name and I remembered it,” Mrs. Thompson said. “I thought, where have I seen this name? And then I remembered—Mia. I asked him, that’s your sister, right? How’s Mia doing? And he told me, ‘That’s my brother. He’s my brother now, Miss. He’s trans.’”

Mrs. Thompson smiled at us, but we could see that she was also unsure. She continued, “And I said, ‘Oh wow.’ I remember Mia. She was one of those kids, as a teacher, you always remember. She was smart and sensitive, had good ideas and wanted to share them. But I could see how lonely she was, how unhappy and uncomfortable in her own skin.

“Steven told me, ‘My brother is doing great.’ That’s so exciting,” Mrs. Thompson said, with a slight pause. “I have students in my class—they’re saying that they’re non-binary, trans. I’m trying to understand it, figure out how to best support them.

“And you’re the parents, and I just want to know, what’s it like for you?”

My husband and I looked at each other. A tiny nod. Another deep breath and then I said it: “To tell you the truth, Mrs. Thompson, it’s really complicated.”

My brain was saying, don’t cry, don’t burst into tears and run from this room. I wasn’t sure if I could make it. It was like an out-of-body experience. I could hear myself talking.

“You know, Mrs. Thompson, I’m all for gender non-conforming kids. Boys who want to play with dolls or wear dresses. Girls who don’t want to do either. But now those kids get told that they were born in the wrong body and they’re the opposite sex. It’s all quite regressive and that concerns me.”

That’s my voice. But the words came from Stella O’Malley, Genspect’s brilliant and indomitable psychotherapist and author. She held a Q&A session the week before, with two dozen parents, all in desperate pain. How on Earth do we talk about this? How do we tell a little bit without scaring people off?

Stella gave us marching orders: have a three-minute pitch. Keep it short. Land a good point or two and then zip it. Plant a few seeds, that’s all.

I took notes that day. Then I practiced. In the shower. On my morning walk. Over and over again. And now – suddenly – it was show time.

I smiled at Mrs. Thompson and shook my head. “It’s so hard Mrs. Thompson, because at first, I didn’t know about this either. But I’ve been learning and educating myself.”

“What’s really hard is that she’s so young and she told us that she needs a double mastectomy and testosterone—as soon as possible. But – did you know, Mrs. Thompson – there are young people who’ve gone through with those procedures, and they regret it?”

“Oh,” said Mrs. Thompson. “I didn’t know.” Her brow is furrowed.

“And did you know that when parents don’t agree right away, to a new name and pronouns, people say that you’re transphobic and you don’t love your kids?”

“No, I didn’t.” We could see her thinking this over. Then she said, “That’s so hard.”

Time to soften it up a bit. “We love her so much,” I said quickly. “You know what a great kid she is. She’s got big dreams and she’s happy and want to see her flourish, but we’re concerned about this.”

Now I needed to let Mrs. Thompson talk. “They’re so young,” she said, thinking out loud. “Just getting started in life. I really didn’t make good decisions until I got older. And I was a tom boy.”

I couldn’t resist. There was one more thing I needed to say: “It’s so wonderful to hear your memories of Mia and talk about her with you tonight. I haven’t said her name to her face for five years.”

Mrs. Thompson looked at us directly. “I have a five-year old. I can’t imagine what that would be like,” she said.

Then my husband landed the most important point of all. “We’ve explained our concerns and we know she doesn’t agree. But in our house, we do our best to love and respect each other. It’s difficult but we’re managing,” he said. “She’s getting older and she’ll make her own decisions. Even when we don’t like it, we’ll always be here for her.”

Mrs. Thompson was silent, thinking this over. Then, her face brightened.

“You know,” she said. “To me, she’ll always be Mia. That’s who she was when I taught her and that’s who she’ll always be to me. She’ll always be Mia.”

It’s music to my ears.

Mrs. Thompson gave me her email address and we agreed to keep in touch. I have more to tell her. But that’s for another day.

In the meantime, thank you Mrs. Thompson, for listening.

And thank you Stella, for helping me find my voice.

Parents re-entering the Public Schools Post-Pandemic, long after the students were welcomed back, should prepare to be bombarded with a heavy dose of “Trans” Propaganda.

After a two-year Covid hiatus from scarcely stepping foot inside our local high school I, along with many other small town Canadian parents, was recently readmitted for parent teacher interviews.

Greeting students and visitors alike was a “safe space” sign decorated with the “progress flag” on a door just beside the front entrance, a virtuous signal begging for the entry of any student who has taken their place under the “trans umbrella”. Within its periphery were at least three other signs and flags all bellowing the same message of inclusivity, one that couldn’t be missed by any set of open eyes.

As my daughter who claims to be my son, my actual son, and I zigzagged from one teacher to the next, the number of “trans” representative flags, banners and signs on doors and walls, windows and whiteboards, slid into the category of complete overkill. What I didn’t see, however, was one prominent piece of paper or plastic that silently bolstered the embrace of any other categorizable group of individuals. The visual environment in which my kids, and some of yours, are regularly sequestered to receive their government-directed education had been filled floor to ceiling with “trans” propaganda.

The brick and mortar of the high school was not the only aspect in which not so subtle progressive change had occurred since my last visit. Well aware that staff members had been participating in a campaign, willingly or not, to preserve or propel my daughter’s “social transition” to a pseudo male student, seemingly without my knowledge and definitely without my permission, I had come prepared for potentially awkward exchanges. My exasperating expectation was not left unmet.

I spoke with a grade eleven English teacher, who had crafted a space for incoming parents to sit directly across from a very large “trans” flag, which also served as her outspoken allied backdrop. Though the discussion was meant to revolve around my son’s progress in her class, she spent an unwarranted amount of her time side-eying my indoctrinated daughter and gravitating toward topics like “inclusivity in the classroom”. She seemed to have a very clear message that she didn’t want to miss the opportunity to candidly convey. A spontaneous chant of “trans rights are human rights” or “trans women are women” would have only slightly intensified the point she seemed so adamant to make.

In a much less gauche meet-and-greet, the first of my daughter’s teachers on our roster used no name and no pronouns while referring to her throughout our entire exchange. The friendly visual arts teacher managed to stay on task and talk about assignments, lesson plans and my captured kid’s level of participation in both. He artfully praised her talent and skill without a “he” or a “she” reference and I wondered if he did so out of a commitment to reality or to “protecting the trans child” from a potentially bigoted parent. Since I can’t recall a slathering of propagandized art projects or conspicuous sloganeering within his classroom I’m going to allow my optimism to prevail.

At another stop on our woke walkabout, a grade 10 math teacher, who actually gave the impression of truly trying to be kind and inclusive, fumbled around with my daughter’s “new name” but again, at no time referred to her as “he” or “him”. She is an example of a well-meaning but misguided adult, guilty of helping to solidify my child’s adopted “gender identity” on a daily basis. In this particular parlay, however, she just appeared foolish, probably even to my kids, through her floundering display of obliged “affirmation”. I’ve told my daughter many times that just because the adults around her are using her made up name and calling her a boy, it doesn’t mean they actually believe that she is one. Knowing my highly intelligent and incredibly perceptive teenager, coupled with the telling look we shared upon reentering the TQ+ laced hallway at the end of the interview, I don’t believe that any of this was lost on her.

Promisingly, the awkwardness that sat like a stone between another of my daughter’s teachers and myself seemed to be sprinkled with subtle codes of common sense camaraderie. In the presence of my two teens, this teacher seemed to be cautiously skirting around the woke witchcraft that had cast an unwanted spell on his entire vocation. I wondered where our conversation might have gone had Big Brother not been watching.

This seemingly un-captured and covertly concerned teacher laid heavy emphasis on his plans to instill a sense of discernment in his students while they sift through the world wide web for entrepreneurial materials in an upcoming portion of his course. He emphasized the once valued adage that you can’t believe everything you read on the internet, to which I emphasized my concurrence. Whether or not wishful thinking played a part in my interpretation of our conversation, I found a now rare sense of relief with this particular professor of grade ten business.

It’s incredible how much can be said with just a few real words and phrases that happen to naturally counter the nonsensical narratives that have candy coated much of the language our children are exposed to each day. And it’s frightening that, in small town Canada, a mother of an obviously troubled teenager and her conceivably concerned teacher are being strong-armed by a government-backed ideology into conversing as if sitting in front of a Telescreen.

I completed the teacher tour with my two teens, the undeniable overload of “trans” propaganda peppering the hallways and classrooms, the guidance office and cafeteria, knowing that not all of these professionals have bought into this salacious social sickness. I wondered if my kids, both of whom are receiving an ongoing education in critical thinking and common sense at home, were able to pick up on the little hints of anti-wokeness with the business teacher or on the hesitancy for any of my daughter’s teachers to actually call her a boy.

My country has solidified their allyship with the “transgender agenda” and it has turned our public schools into its living advertisements. I couldn’t have been the only parent present who picked up on the TQ+ littered lobby to library landscape that seemed to pop up out of nowhere post-Pandemic.

Those of us who haven’t pledged our allegiance to the “progress” flag have been deterred from entering our kids’ increasingly private public schools—but I encourage those still standing on the other side of the suggested blockade to go in and see the splatter of TRA sign-blasting for themselves.

When we left the youth indoctrination center that evening I had note-to-self to find an excuse to contact the business teacher and assess the possibility of deeper dialogue tucked in my back pocket, and a pit in my stomach over the zealous onslaught of “trans” propaganda within its walls.  

I just sent that letter to the school board. Within the hour I received a response, from the school board director, Sonia Robertson*:

Dear Felice,

Thank you for your email, which I have shared with my colleagues on the Board of School Directors. Administrative Regulations are developed by the District Administration, in consultation with the District Solicitor, to guide implementation of District Policies.

District Policies are discussed and reviewed by the Policy Committee at public meetings during which community input and feedback are solicited. The District's TGD Policy, which was one of the first in the Commonwealth, has become a model for numerous other districts. Its passage in 2016 received wide community support -- there was actually audience applause when the Board voted to approve it! Modifications last year to the Policy were mainly to update the language from "Gender Expansive and Transgender" to the now-preferred "Transgender and Gender Diverse."

—— continues to work with Dr. Jeanne Stanley of Watershed Counseling and Penn's Graduate School of Education for professional development and consultations for students and staff.

Sincerely,
Sonia

Sonia Robertson
School Board Director
—— School District

My first thought was not a thought at all but a feeling—blind rage. Not that I didn’t foresee pushback—I suppose I’m surprised I got a response at all, especially since the initial emails I sent to Sonia went unanswered. A month ago I’d asked who wrote Administrative Regulation 259 and who advised on it. And the resulting answer was… crickets.

Once my white hot rage settled into a warm broth and I could see straight again, my eyes kept returning to this passage:

…there was actually audience applause when the Board voted to approve it!

Duh, I thought. Of course there was applause. We live in a culture that champions gender ideology, and which disparages whoever doesn’t. I also thought, does applause for AR259 mean it’s the best and only approach to inclusivity, and that my thumbs down is worthless and irrelevant?

Then there’s this:

District Policies are discussed and reviewed by the Policy Committee at public meetings during which community input and feedback are solicited.

Obviously I missed those meetings. I missed every meeting. I’m one of those parents who goes about her business believing that her kid is in good hands. I trusted the school to do right by my kid. Am I now being scolded for not being there from the start? Perhaps. Do I scold myself already? I do. And I also forgive myself. (Because #selfcare.) Also, is Sonia implying that I missed my chance? Is my letter too little too late? Is she really saying, sorry Karen, but you were absent that day so deal with it.

Moving on, this little morsel does not go unnoticed:

Modifications last year to the Policy were mainly to update the language from "Gender Expansive and Transgender" to the now-preferred "Transgender and Gender Diverse."

Of course they had to update the language. Gender Ideology is like quicksand. The terms are always shifting, treacherous, threatening to drown you in accusation and contradiction. What exactly is the difference between “gender expansive” and “gender diverse” anyway? Has “gender expansive” become somehow offensive, similar to how the word “transsexual” makes my daughter flinch, but not so with the term “transgender?” Don’t even get me started on the word Woman. And what is the significance of changing the order of the terms? Maybe it’s simply to keep the heads spinning. It’s BITE Model information control 101. Here’s a word, Sonia: CULT.

Finally I am provided with a name and organization:

Dr. Jeanne Stanley of Watershed Counseling and Penn's Graduate School of Education for professional development and consultations for students and staff.

A quick search reveals the Counseling and Consultation Trainings Brochure. For just $650 an hour my daughter’s teachers learn how to be gender ideology zombies. Naturally at first glance the PDF looks like a no-brainer. Only a monster would disagree with words and terms like “belonging,” “inclusion” and “emotional well-being.”

I guess that makes me a monster then. Along with all the other TERFs—groups like Gays Against Groomers and Lesbians United, outspoken public figures like J.K. Rowling, Ricky Gervais, and Dave Chapelle, transsexuals like Buck Angel, Blaire White, Corinna Cohn and Scott Nugent, lesbians like Arielle Scarcella, gay men like Andrew Sullivan, and detransitioners like Helena Kerschner, Keira Bell, and some of the 37,000 on Reddit.

So Sonia, what was that about inclusion again?

My daughter has an IEP and has a new case manager this school year. I responded to an email from the case manager to check in and provide some info. Knowing they had recently met, I also asked what name and pronouns my daughter used when introducing herself. The case manager responded and said my daughter used a different name (I know what it is but am not going to use it here) and he/him pronouns, and then said she would be using that name and pronouns in her communications with me "if that was ok."

In trying to decide how to respond, I was struck by how fearful and completely devoid of confidence I felt in responding. I am very knowledgeable of my daughter and her needs and have never before felt this way in communicating with her educators.  

If in my response I say "No, please use her legal name and pronouns" it feels like a pretty safe assumption that I will be negatively judged, which could impact how we work together on the things my daughter actually needs support for, related to her "other health disability" (ADHD), and in her level of trust in my input and feedback. Could the non-mental-health-professional case manager also use my statement to lead into conversations about her gender and "lack of affirmation" by her parents?

If I respond more thoroughly, attempting to explain that I detest and reject the way gender theory has infiltrated my daughter’s life and sense of herself, that she has found a celebrated, trendy way to avoid dealing with her lack of self esteem, self-consciousness and social difficulties, and that "affirming" her different name and pronouns is not helping her in any way, but actually harming her, what would this non-mental-health-professional case manager do then? Is she so deeply entrenched that she would equate this to abuse or neglect of some kind, and report me to Child Protective Services? If I respond in this most honest way, I am actually, literally terrified of that happening.

If I respond with a lie, saying it's okay for the case manager to use a name that isn't my daughter’s and pronouns that are wrong, will all of my future communications with this case worker just remind me of how angry I am that we are in such a hopeless battle?

Regardless of my response, her polite yet cursory question is actually meaningless—as is my response, however carefully strategized and considered. No matter what path I choose, after hours of agonizing, the case manager will continue to use the name that isn't my daughter’s when seeing or meeting with her—as will the rest of her school. The schools have overstepped, by a mile, and pretending to seek my input is patronizing and infantilizing.

It doesn't matter that I haven't approved their involvement in a psychosocial intervention like social transition. They don’t want or need my input or my approval. I’ve been completely pushed aside and marginalized and they are in a position of power. I have no choice but to fear, and no way to fight back that doesn’t drive a wedge between me and my daughter.

Re: Administrative Regulation 259

TRANSGENDER & GENDER DIVERSE STUDENTS – ENSURING EQUITY AND NONDISCRIMINATION

Dear Principal ——, Superintendent —— and School Board Members,

I am writing to contest Administrative Regulation 259, with which I fundamentally disagree. Advised by proponents of gender ideology, and ironically under the guise of safety, the school has chosen to drive a wedge of secrecy and distrust between students and their families.

It is my constitutional right to raise my daughter how I see fit. Furthermore it is my privilege, honor and duty to guide her into adulthood to the best of my abilities. My child is not yours to raise, and she is certainly not yours to perform a psychological, social experiment upon. Because of policies and practices like yours, her emotional well-being, critical thinking skills and safety are undermined.

This letter specifically addresses the school’s policy to keep secret from parents their child’s gender identity, chosen name and pronouns.

As a tax-paying district parent since 2008 who has sent her two children to the district Elementary, Middle and High School, I am aggrieved to find myself excluded from a very important conversation with my child, who I have loved since before she was born. Like you, I agree that children’s safety is of the utmost importance, and to that end it is clearly harmful for children to be taught that keeping secrets from their parents is smart or safe.

Additionally, encouraging children to prioritize ideological gender identities over biological reality is to set them on a path to physical and mental impairment, unhappiness, and failure as adults. It also amounts to religious instruction. Because gender ideology, like religion, is a belief system. It is not rooted in science or fact, but theory. Therefore, it has no place in secular schools.

Before the 2021-2022 school year, I was under the impression that my daughter was safe at school, being educated, cared for and respected. I was certain she attended school in order to learn how to be a thoughtful, accountable, successful adult. After all, yours is a school that defines itself as a “fiercely proud, tight-knit educational community.”

Instead my daughter was encouraged, through a psychological approach far beyond your ethical scopes of practice, to insist that she is the opposite sex, and that she can “safely” change her sex through the use of drugs and cosmetic surgeries. Though much of what she is learning is from the internet, the school actively fosters, facilitates and celebrates these beliefs. This psychological approach has become a well-trodden path—from social transition to medical patient for life.

*

Here are some examples of contradictions I found between what the school district purports, and Regulation 259—

On the Parent Info page from your website it says:

“—— High School is well known for its high levels of parent engagement.”

And yet, Administrative Regulation 259 states:

“…[S]chool personnel should not disclose information about a … student’s gender identity and expression to others, including the student’s parents…”

The Parent Info page continues:

“Parents are encouraged to communicate directly with students and teachers to help foster dialogue [and] an environment of openness which helps to advance the progress of our school community.”

And yet, Regulation 259 states:

“Students shall be addressed by the name and pronouns that correspond to their gender identity without … obtaining parent … permission.”

On the Community Page from your website it says:

“—— is a community characterized by a deep sense of civic pride and involvement…”

And yet, Administrative Regulation 259 states:

“[T]here may be situations (e.g., communications with family…) where it may be necessary and recommended for staff to be informed of the student’s legal name and gender… [S]taff should prioritize the … confidentiality … of the student…”

In Superintendent ——’s 2021 Welcome Back Letter to parents it says:

“…[N]o matter what the circumstances are or what changes we may have to make, our … community will continue to work together to ensure that our children will have the skills they will need to succeed.” (emphasis mine.)

And yet, Regulation 259 states:

“If school personnel are unsure how a student wants to be addressed in communications to the home or in conferences with parents… they may privately ask the student.”

And,

“District and school personnel may encounter situations where transgender students have not disclosed their transgender status. School personnel must be mindful of the confidentiality and privacy rights of students when communicating with others, so as to not to … reveal… a student’s gender identity…”

*

So on one hand we have the warm, inclusive school philosophy that heralds the education of its children and the tight-knit strength of its community, and on the other, a divisive, destructive regulation that instructs teachers, and subsequently students, to actively participate in secret-keeping from parents about the very identity of their children.

Parents like me, because of Administrative Regulation 259, have been cast as villains, in the name of equity, safety and inclusion.

But I am not a villain. I love my daughter with all my heart and I have devoted my life to raising her to be an independent thinker, a responsible and accountable young adult, and a confident young woman.

And now I am left to fight uphill to reach that end, against every institution who would teach her otherwise—who would instead encourage her to devalue her race, her class, her sex and her sexual orientation, and who would lead her to believe that she should invest in a fictional version of herself—one that can never exist in material reality.

I know, as a parent, and as a 53 year-old adult, that trying to be something you are not causes stress, strain and damage. When I spoke to my daughter’s counselor about this issue on July 27, he said that when a kid walks into his office, he’s going to support them.

As if I wasn’t.

My reply to him, and to you is, I believe in supporting a kid as well. But support is not the same thing as affirmation. Support means teaching a child that no one outside her can make her happy or validate her identity. (—— hopefully knows this, as a counselor.) Support means teaching my daughter that she cannot control what others think of her or how they respond to her. Her happiness and validation have to come from within. Support means teaching my child that biology is real and that she can’t change her sex. It means not indulging a delusion that can lead to irreparable harm.

So my plea to you is stop supporting children’s fantasies that they can opt out of material reality and become something they are not. Stop harming children like mine by indulging in their fictional names and identities. Stop keeping secrets from parents about their children. Stop destroying family cohesion with lies, deceit and secrecy. Stop supporting gender ideology. Start supporting children.

Inclusion and anti-bullying are one thing. Gender ideology is quite another. It is a belief system. It is religious. And I vehemently abstain.

—— is a secular school. It is time to act like it.

Sincerely,

Felice J. Killer
Mother of Kai A. Killer, —— Class of ‘22
and Jamie B. Killer, —— Class of ‘24

Being a parent of a trans-identifying child is exhausting, demoralizing and terrifying. One of the worst aspects of this struggle is knowing that virtually every institution you deal with is actively working against your attempts to safeguard your child. Schools are among the very worst of these institutions. If you are tired of your school dictating the terms for how your child’s trans identification will be handled, there is good news. A growing number of parents are suing their schools—and winning!

In May of this year, a federal District Court in Kansas recognized long standing rights of parents to control the upbringing of their children. In Ricard v. USD 475, a teacher sought an injunction against a policy of the Geary County Unified School District requiring teachers and staff to respect a student's name changes, pronouns and trans-identity and to keep these facts secret from parents.  The teacher, Ricard, claimed this policy violated her first amendment rights to practice her religion, specifically that the policy with respect to parents would require her to lie, which is, in shorthand, a sin. Finding that the teacher’s exercise of religion was being infringed, the court required the school district to show a “compelling interest” in the infringing policy. A “compelling interest” is legal terminology for “darn good reason.”  

The school district claimed that its compelling interest in adopting this policy was that “if the home life is such that the—the student doesn’t want to be out to their parents, it’s not our job to do it.” In the quoted language below, Judge Holly Teeter flatly rejected this argument, finding that the school district could not have a compelling interest in violating parents’ constitutional rights to control the upbringing of their children (emphasis added):

"Moreover, as the District conceded at the hearing, parents in the United States have a constitutional right to control the upbringing of their children. See, e.g., Stanley v. Illinois, 405 U.S. 645, 651 (1972). This is not a trivial right—it is a fundamental one that is “perhaps the oldest of the fundamental liberty interests” recognized by the Supreme Court. Troxel v. Granville, 530 U.S. 57, 65 (2000). It rests on a fundamental premise that a child is “not the mere creature of the State,” and that parents—“those who nurture him and direct his destiny”—“have the right, coupled with the high duty, to recognize and prepare him for additional obligations,” id.  And whether the District likes it or not, that constitutional right includes the right of a parent to have an opinion and to have a say in what a minor child is called and by what pronouns they are referred."

In November 2021, a group of parents sued the Kettle Moraine School District in Wisconsin for its policies regarding trans-identifying children under a similar theory.  Just a few weeks after Judge Teeter handed down the Ricard decision in Kansas, a state court in Wisconsin made a big decision for parents in that state. Judge Michael Maxwell denied the Kettle Moraine School District’s Motion for Summary Judgement, finding that the parents had made a sufficient showing that their constitutional rights were violated by the school district’s anti-parent policies. As a result, the school district would be required to mount a defense to the parents’ complaint. As a summary judgement decision, this was not a final victory for the parents, but the author notes that recently Kettle Moraine was in the news for a new policy that barred the use of chosen pronouns and overtly political displays by teachers.  

There are also other pending cases around the country where parents are seeking to enjoin these policies, including suits against school districts in Ludlow, Massachusetts and Tallahassee, Florida. Unfortunately, there are also cases where parents are suing after schools’ policies have caused injury, attempted suicide, to their child.  

Both the Ricard case and the Kettle Moraine case are lower court rulings, and under rules for precedence given to court cases, neither would be binding on any other court in any other jurisdiction. However, collectively, they provide a useful sanity check that remind parents, schools, and teachers that American law has for decades, if not longer, recognized the right and duty of parents, not the state, to be the primary decision-maker when it comes to raising children.  

The state or a government agency, such as a school board, must show it has a valid interest in infringing on parents’ rights and that the policy is reasonably necessary to advance that interest. In these cases, the schools will certainly argue that gender affirming policies are “lifesaving” and necessary to protect children from abusive or intolerant parents. While a refutation of this argument is beyond the scope of this article, parents reading this blog know enough to realize that there are many disturbing scientific and medical questions around social transition and gender affirming policies. As such, parents with good attorneys should be able to make convincing arguments in their favor.

This blog entry is not intended to provide legal advice and I am not trying to act as anyone's lawyer, but if you are a parent being bullied by school officials who dismiss your views about raising your child, you may, as lawyers say, have a case.  

As kids head back to school all across the country, debates rage on as to how teachers and schools can best support gender non-conforming kids. These arguments often pit teachers against parents in a fight that sees students as the most common casualty. As the parent of a gender-distressed kid, I have felt betrayed by school officials in the past; at the same time, I have great respect and empathy for teachers and guidance counselors. I do not think deepening the divide between families and educators is the way to solve this problem, rather, here is my three step plan for creating a more supportive environment for ALL students.

STEP ONE

Stop conflating “gender non-conforming” and “transgender.” As Dr. Erica Anderson recently pointed out on the Megyn Kelly show, these two descriptors are not the same thing. “Gender non-conforming” simply means a person who does not adhere to the societal stereotypes of his or her sex. Almost everyone I know is gender non-conforming in some way. I know boys who wear their hair long and girls who wear it short; boys who hate sports and girls who love them; boys who excel in art and poetry and girls who climb trees and snatch frogs out of river banks. None of these kids are transgender. The term “transgender” currently has many different meanings— for the purposes of this piece, I use “transgender” to refer to a person that has taken social and/or medical steps to live as the opposite sex.

To say that all gender non-conforming children are transgender, is to say that anyone who doesn’t act or present themselves in a way stereotypical of their sex, should be grouped with the opposite sex. How have we landed here? Don’t we want men to help in the kitchen and women to have a voice in the boardroom? Saying that “gender non-conforming” people are literally the opposite sex is completely regressive and not what we should be teaching our children. In the classic John Hughes film Some Kind of Wonderful, there is a brilliant scene where Watts (a gender non-conforming girl played by Mary Stuart Masterson) says to another character: “This is 1987. Didn’t you know a girl can be whatever she wants to be?” Thirty-five years later, I am left wondering, what happened to that message?

STEP TWO

Stop asking for “preferred pronouns.” I understand teachers have been led to believe that this question is necessary and kind. But who is being helped by this ritual? And who is being harmed? 

Students are typically registered for school with their name and sex. I recently registered both of my kids for school and provided this information. Therefore, any teacher who understands how pronouns work, would already know what pronouns should be used when referring to each of their students. If a student is in the process of transitioning (socially and/or medically) with the support of their family, therapist and doctor, the parents can (and should) make that information clear to the school. These families can then work with school administrators to determine what needs to be shared with teachers and how best to support the student in question, in coordination with the family. (Social and medical transitions are serious interventions and should be carried out with psychological support that the school, alone, cannot provide.) Since this information will have been communicated to teachers and school personnel in advance, transgender students don’t need to regularly announce their pronouns to rooms of people, drawing more attention to what might be an awkward and vulnerable time for them. Therefore, transgender students are more likely to be harmed by pronoun rituals.

Next, let’s consider the gender non-conforming kids. A girl who, until recently, would have been considered a “tomboy,” does not want to stand up and state her pronouns, just to have people openly wonder if she’d rather be referred to as “he/him.” (Same goes true in reverse for effeminate boys.) This is an unfortunate situation that is occurring more and more, where well-meaning adults who are hung up on stereotypes, try to “be kind” by placing alternate pronouns on a gender non-conforming kid. If the student is registered as female, refer to her as such. Yes, even if she has short hair and wears “boyish” clothes. This is a dynamic that author and journalist Lisa Selin Davis has written and spoken about extensively, I encourage readers to check out her substack here. As Lisa states in one of her many nuanced pieces: “Though many feel the current gender revolution makes room for organically gender nonconforming kids, I’d argue it actually pathologizes them. Telling a stereotypically boyish girl that she can be or is a boy doesn’t manifest a liminal space for her to occupy. Telling a feminine boy that his mannerisms and tendencies make him a girl, or affirming his fantasy that he is one, tells him he’s doing boy wrong, that there’s not room for him in the category he naturally, biologically belongs to. I think this not only creates more shame, but can lead to very serious medical interventions.” Since most gay adults report being extremely gender non-conforming as kids, we are talking about creating an environment where pre-gay kids are led to believe that they were actually “born in the wrong body.” Gender non-conforming kids and gay teens are, therefore, more likely to be harmed by pronoun rituals.

How might this pronoun exercise affect neurodivergent kids? For a kid who is prone to obsessive thinking, intrusive thoughts and/or hyper fixating, this constant request for “preferred pronouns” can lead to obsessing over identity in unnecessary and unhealthy ways. Maybe they never thought about it before because it was always just a given, an immutable fact that they didn’t need to ruminate on. (For some, it may have previously been the ONLY thing they didn’t need to analyze to death.) But, once a slew of teachers keeps asking this question, a neurodivergent child may become fixated on trying to find the answer. Unsure, they will likely turn to the internet for advice. They may pose a question into the cyber void, “How do I know what gender I am?” More often than not, the internet will respond “If you are asking this question, then you are trans.” The child then announces they are trans and become showered with praise and affirmation, something they have been longing for. This solidifies an identity that was the product of obsessive thinking, rather than actual gender dysphoria. Ritchie, aka Tulip, a detransitioned man, writes about how his OCD led him to believe he was transgender, only to pursue a medical path that he later deeply regretted. He writes: “The definition of Gender Dysphoria is deeply appealing to someone in distress, it’s an invitation to abandon all your other obsessions and ruminations, in place of Gender, but the only difference between this and every other obsession I had, is this was being affirmed socially, legally and medically.” Seen through this lens, it feels less like we are supporting gender distressed kids, and more like we are creating them by asking for preferred pronouns.

What about the teens who are politically active, or, at least, sensitive to things happening in the world around them? Here, I’m going to focus specifically on girls. Imagine a girl who is exposed to world and cultural news either through her family watching it on TV, social justice activism in her community, or stories she picks up online. Imagine this girl hearing that “cis” people are oppressors. Does she want to stand up and say that she prefers the pronouns she/her? Isn’t that saying that she prefers to be “cis”? In other words prefers to be an oppressor? Is it fair to make her claim that mantle? Or perhaps this girl has seen stories of the #MeToo movement, and how women are vulnerable to sexual harassment and abuse, or not taken seriously at work, or objectified in society. Maybe she reads about the girls in Afghanistan being denied education by the Taliban, or the horrors of sex trafficking that primarily effects young women and girls. Can she hear these stories and then stand up and say she prefers to be a girl? By saying she prefers to be a girl, is she acquiescing to this treatment? Is it fair to pose this as a preference, knowing the implications? A girl who doesn’t want to be an oppressor or a victim is not helped by the question of preferred pronouns.

And what of the budding feminist? What questions swirl in her mind when she hears the newest Supreme Court justice unable to define the word “woman”? Maybe, in search of answers she reads Andrea Long Chu’s book Female commonly lifted up by liberal feminists. There she reads that Chu “transitioned for gossip and compliments… for Daisy Dukes, bikini tops, and all the dresses, and, mygod, for the breasts.” Is that what one is choosing when they say they “prefer” to be a girl? Or is it more of a fantasy as Julia Serano (author of Whipping Girl) has stated? “I would imagine myself being sold into sex slavery and having strange men take advantage me. It’s called forced feminization… it’s about turning the humiliation you feel into pleasure…” Julia Serano was born male, but prefers she/her pronouns. Is this what we are asking our girls to endorse when we ask for their preferred pronouns? What about a girl who doesn’t want to be a fantasy in a man’s head, one who prefers cargo shorts to Daisy Dukes, is uncomfortable with her growing breasts, and could never turn humiliation into pleasure? As Louise Perry writes in this review of Andrea Long Chu’s book Females: “When a porn-obsessed writer can be lauded as a feminist prophet for describing the ‘barest essentials’ of ‘femaleness’ as ‘an open mouth, an expectant asshole, blank, blank eyes’ we should wonder how on earth we got to this point.” So, where do our would-be feminist daughters turn when looking for a better example of “she”? To Joan of Arc? Not so fast.

Our fiesty daughters, who were raised on stories of fierce women who broke boundaries (and often paid a heavy price for it) such as Joan of Arc, are caught in a mindbend, as well, now that we are seeing those women being rewritten as non-binary, with “they/them” pronouns. Joan of Arc, and Queen Elizabeth I, have been posthumously transed along with other great women of history. How do our daughters process this mixed message? How does this impact their “preferred pronouns.” As Victoria Smith wrote: “The transing of women who cannot speak for themselves — either dead or fictional — is not a break with patriarchal norms. It is an extension of them. It tells women and girls not just that there were too few women of significance to matter; it suggests that to be significant is not to be female at all.” Clearly, the concept of preferred pronouns is not helpful to girls trying to become “women of significance,” themselves.

Perhaps those harmed the most by the pronoun obsession, are desistors and detransitioners. (Desistors are people who socially transitioned before reverting to their birth sex, while detransitioners are people who medically transitioned, with hormones and/or surgery, before reverting to their birth sex.) Desistors and detransitioners generally go through an incredibly difficult period of time while sorting out their identity. They may not know how to honestly answer the “preferred” pronoun question. They already risk being shunned by friends. They risk being accused of “faking it.” They often feel ashamed or embarrassed for believing they were trans. There is no “D” in LGBT, and the flags, and celebrations, and “inclusiveness” seem to go in only one direction—toward transition. Chloe Cole, a young girl who transitioned and detransitioned all while in high school has been speaking out. Her story was recently shared on the substack Common Sense. “Detransitioning senior year was tough: She was dressing like a girl again, but still had ‘rough’ features and a deep voice from all the testosterone. ‘I got looks from people, and other students would talk smack behind my back,’ Chloe said. Her friends abandoned her. Another friend told her that ‘the gay side of my school hated me’ because she detransitioned.” Desistors and detransitioners need space and understanding, recurring pronoun circles are harmful to their process.

So once again, I ask: when you ask your students for their preferred pronouns, who is benefitting from the ritual? Not transgender kids, not gender non-conforming kids, not neurodivergent kids, not girls who are socially and politically aware, not young would-be feminists, and certainly not desistors or detransitioners.

STEP THREE

Stop making parents the enemy.

With a huge rise in kids and teens identifying as transgender at school, the question that keeps being asked is: Should teachers “out” students to their parents? Over and over I hear the refrain that “schools should not ‘out’ kids to their parents, because the parents might not be accepting, therefore the student would be unsafe at home.” I would argue that this answer, and actually this question, misses the point entirely. It’s not really a matter of “outing” kids, but rather a question of how can we best support kids in distress? In nearly every situation, the best support comes from schools and parents working together, not through creating cloaks of secrecy.

If a student approaches a teacher and says: “I would like you to call me by a new name and different pronouns,” the teacher should respond: “I need a letter from your parents making that request.” Seeking parental permission is required for field trips, after school programs, and sports participation—why not something as life altering as social transition? I have only heard two arguments for why teachers should immediately honor this type of request from students (without parental consent), and both of these arguments are rife with contradictions.

The first argument is that teachers must support this change in identity, no questions asked, because gender-dysphoric teens are at an increased risk of suicide. This narrative has been proven to be exaggerated, misinterpreted and misrepresented as the Society for Evidence-Based Medicine outlines here. An additional study showed, “claims that gender affirmation through transitioning socially is beneficial for children with GD [gender dysphoria] could not be supported from the present results. Instead, the study highlights the importance of individual social support provided by peers and family, independent of exploring additional possibilities of gender transition during counseling.” If the best evidence for improving mental health is keeping kids connected to their families—then telling distressed kids that they cannot trust their parents, and should keep secrets from them, is a dangerous idea. Additionally, if you truly believe that being gender distressed makes a child more likely to be suicidal, you are obligated to tell the child’s parents. School officials who are keeping this information secret from parents are either derelict in their duties to inform parents that their child is at increased risk of suicide, or they don’t truly believe the manipulated narrative in the first place.

The other argument you hear for why schools should not alert parents if their child is requesting a change in name and/or pronouns, is that the parents may not be supportive. The word supportive, in this case, is twisted up to mean only one thing: parents willing to socially transition their kid without question. Most of the parents that I know are extremely supportive, willing to go to the ends of the earth for their kids. At the same time, they do not think transition is a cure-all for their kid’s distress. Parents typically know their children better than any teacher does. They may know that their teen has co-morbidities such as autism, or ADHD, or disordered eating that is influencing their gender confusion. The parents may know their teen has been subject to peer pressure or bullying or sexual trauma, and their child is seeking respite in a new identity as a maladaptive coping mechanism. Parents often are working hard day and night to help their kids work through their distress. Just because a parent doesn’t think gender transition is a good solution for their child, does not mean they are abusive. If you would call a parent in to discuss a dramatic shift in your student’s academic performance, you should call a parent in to discuss a drastic shift in their identity. If you have to ask a parent’s permission to give a child Advil, you certainly have to ask a parent’s permission to initiate a psychosocial intervention, which is what social transition is. As Dr. Stephen Levine, and others, pointed out in this paper, social transition is an intervention that requires explicit informed consent. They state, “While the causality has not been proven, the possibility of iatrogenesis and the resulting exposure to the risks of future medical and surgical gender dysphoria treatments, qualifies social gender transition for explicit, rather than implied, consent.” Working WITH parents, not against them, is the route to better outcomes for all students.

I recently had a meeting at my daughter’s school. As I sat in the office, I noticed a poster beside me that said: “Feelings aren’t facts. Feelings are real but they aren’t always reality. Feeling like a failure doesn’t make you a failure. Allow feelings to come and go without judging yourself for having them.” Wouldn’t it be nice if we could teach kids that message with regard to their bodies? We need more posters that say: “Feelings aren’t facts. Feeling your body is wrong, doesn’t make your body wrong. Allow these feelings to come and go without judging yourself.” This is how schools can truly support gender non-conforming kids.

It’s August, and just like you, I am getting ready for the new school year. But perhaps unlike you, I am facing it with a great deal of trepidation. That’s because I have a trans-identifying daughter (whose name and pronoun usage you ostensibly keep a secret from me, even though of course I know) who is entering her final year at your school - and this autumn her younger brother is starting his first year at your school too.

My son does not know about his sister’s trans identification. He does not realize that she suffers from gender dysphoria (GD), although she loudly proclaims she’s bisexual and therefore queer identity every chance she gets and has a lovely girlfriend that he knows and likes. Of all this, he is entirely respectful. 

The reason he does not know is because while we believe our daughter has GD (and in fact, it is quite clearly ROGD, given she never had any gender distress before age 13, something your school likely has no clue about, nor do you likely know she is being treated for a mental health condition and known comorbidity of GD), we know - as has been recently demonstrated by the UK’s recently published Interim Cass Review - that there are many ways into and out of GD.

However, your school has decided that there is only one solution for my daughter - social transition - even though social transition is a powerful psycho-social intervention, akin to a medical treatment, that should really only be made in consultation with us parents, her doctor, and her therapist. After all, you seek my permission to give my daughter a tylenol or whether she can go on a field trip or if she needs special accommodations due to something like a concussion or anxiety (which would never be self-diagnosed, as GD almost always is these days, even though it is a psychological condition listed in the DSM-5). You have made this treatment decision under the guise of the human rights code and have shunted my husband and me out of the process, even though after next June you will never have to deal with the consequences, which includes the strong possibility of lifelong cross-sex hormone medicalization with many long-term and unknown side effects and/or a double mastectomy of healthy breasts (you might call that by the more fun name “top surgery” - but we need to call it what it really is.) These treatments have just been discouraged in the UK with the closure of the Tavistock youth gender clinic due to such medicalization being “not a safe or viable long-term option,” in favor of a more “holistic” approach that includes mental health services. You deciding what is best for my child over my objections is known as triangulation.

All this, despite a recent peer-reviewed paper entitled Not social transition status, but peer relations and family functioning predict psychological functioning in a German clinical sample of children with Gender Dysphoria, which says:

Peer problems and worse family functioning were significantly associated with impaired psychological functioning, whilst the degree of social transition did not significantly predict the outcome. Therefore, claims that gender affirmation through transitioning socially is beneficial for children with GD could not be supported from the present results. Instead, the study highlights the importance of individual social support provided by peers and family, independent of exploring additional possibilities of gender transition during counseling.

Perhaps you will shove a much-trumpeted recently published paper at me that claims that most socially transitioned children don’t back down from their trans-identity. But that same paper also proves the point that social transition can solidify a trans identity in a child who, if left to watchful waiting under the care of loving parents, has a nearly 90% chance of naturally desisting: 

Taken together, the whole body of literature suggests that if you don’t socially transition a child, you’ll decrease the likelihood of medicating and increase the possibility of having a gay kid; and if you do socially transition a child, you may increase the likelihood of a persistent trans identity with lifelong medical interventions. Social transition seems to make permanent what might have been temporary. This is known as iatrogenesis: the treatment creates the condition.(emphasis mine)

Or maybe you’ll tell me it can’t be ROGD because the latest Jack Turban study asserts it doesn’t exist. However, that study was debunked later that same week by an Oxford professor.

You might also tell me that your hands are tied because of the human rights code, bullying code, or equity and equality code. However, according to this British analysis, this very well is likely to be a misreading of such codes:

Supporting full social transitioning in schools is incompatible with child safeguarding and the duty of care that schools have for all their pupils. Schools are not clinics, and teachers are not mental-health professionals: it is not appropriate for them to be overseeing a psychosocial intervention with such potentially grave consequences.

Many aspects of social transition pose serious safeguarding risks to the trans-identified child. Breast-binding, for example, can cause permanent harm. A socially transitioned pre-pubescent child will naturally fear the coming of what is now framed the ‘wrong’ puberty, and will be more likely to demand puberty blockers.

So at the very least, please rein in your radical activist teachers and students and not accuse any student of - or discipline them for - “transphobia” for continuing to use the name and pronouns of the older sibling who they have known since birth, who held them on the day they were born and who they have seen nearly every day of life. You might scoff, and say this is not a legitimate worry. But I’m here to tell you that indeed it is. I know personally someone whose younger child this happened to. And more news is coming out every week on such educational overreach.  Even the left-wing Washington Post is finally reporting on it.

To those activist teachers who think they are saving an LGBT kid from their evil parents: you are probably hopeless and truly believe in your savior complex. But to those teachers who are wavering, who are wondering what is going on and why parents are being omitted from the process, who are just putting their heads down and doing their job, who at every parent-teacher conference look me in the eye and directly lie to me about my daughter’s name: I ask you to grow a backbone and speak up to your principal and coworkers. Tell the parents your concerns - tell the parent that the child is using a different name and pronouns. Be like this brave teacher. Vulnerable and confused children - minors! those with brains still undeveloped! those still forming their identity! - and their parents - need you.

Your school has already wreaked enough havoc on my family, putting a wedge between the natural parent and child bond and making me out to be the villain. I won’t have you interfering in the relationship of me and another child of mine. One’s enough.

Sincerely yours,

Every parent of a trans-ID student in your school

PS - I urge you to read Genspect’s Brief Guidances for both schools and on social transition for a sensible and rational approach to these issues.

I am a teacher and my daughter goes to school in my district. Two and a half years ago, right before the pandemic, my daughter, then 13 years old, told me she thought she was trans. She said she had studied me for a long time before deciding she could trust me with this information and then swore me to secrecy. I didn’t overreact, and worked to radiate my unconditional love but, meanwhile, part of me sank into dread.

Instinctively, I knew I was in for the long haul, that conversations would be guarded and I was now playing a game of chess. Over the next few months, our few gender conversations led me to say “you are being lied to on the internet”, “we don’t make decisions based on our feelings” and that “what you and your friends are into is dangerous”. Each of these statements was met with the slamming of doors. I said no to her request for hormones and surgery with the practical “we can’t afford it and not on my insurance” while, behind the scenes, I searched for information and help. I got lost in the rabbit holes on the internet before I could sort out the truth and find the “adults” in the room. It was overwhelming. I read and listened to so many great stories from around the world in the last 2+ years, at least two a day. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. It seemed like there was an enormous group of adults indoctrinating the children, while at same time taking advantage of other adults who are just trying to be kind. To these indoctrinating adults I say: Please don’t.

I am a Christian, and my faith is an important facet of my life. At the time of her pronouncement, my child had already been seeing a Christian psychologist for years for other problems (which I now realize are related), including anxiety, depression, and ADHD. I started seeing a Christian therapist myself shortly after her trans announcement. At that time I didn’t realize how rare it was to find the right people who wouldn’t bully us into affirmation only, and how lucky I was to find help. For the sake of other parents who were not as lucky as me, to these affirming therapists I say: Please don’t.

I am a teacher and an adult. Part of that means taking responsibility for my influence over a group of people, especially teenagers. I am acutely aware of the power dynamic involved in an adult/teen conversation—something that many of my well-meaning liberal colleagues haven’t realized yet. If I can’t preach Jesus in my classroom, why can you preach pronouns? Because you want to show students unconditional acceptance? That is exactly what Jesus is all about. Because of their safety? It is not safe to lie to children. To these teachers taking advantage of their positions to preach their gender religion in the name of kindness I say: Please don’t.

I stay curious and ask questions for the sake of keeping the lanes of communication open with my daughter. I say “something is going on in the world because growing numbers don’t lie”. I bought Abigail Shrier’s book and directed my daughter to Pique Resilience Project. My daughter showed me a YouTube video where trans man Sam Collins said the book was transphobic. My daughter said there is a part of her that knows she will always be female, and I told her parts of trans man upperhand Mars’ story, who believes biological sex matters. To those who resort to cries of “transphobe” rather than engage in cogent debate I say: Please don’t.

I told my daughter: You have a great brain and you will figure this out. I told her she is so much more than gender. She told me that when her friends call her “Max” at school, she feels like her true authentic self. Hmm, where have I heard that before? I make sure she spends time around people who still call her her real name, including all of our family. Then there are two of her friend’s moms who use male pronouns for their child and mine. To those other moms that think you are being helpful by using the male names I say: Please don’t.

At the beginning of the school year, I asked my daughter, “Please don’t ask adults to use he/him pronouns with you”. I avoid it in my own classroom. My school pronouns are you/me because everything else means I am talking about you, not to you. I had a meeting with her teachers to ask that they please not use male pronouns with my daughter and I explained why—opposite sex pronoun usage is a powerful psychosocial intervention for children that teachers are not licensed to give. I only got pushback from two teachers, including a millennial-age science teacher who believes that people can be born in the wrong body. It is easy to love my trans students in class and just avoid pronouns. I avoid them at home and it is easy to love my kid. Children tend to believe the adults in their life that they admire, including their teachers. When these respected adults tell my daughter, “yes, you are a boy” this is very harmful. To those teachers that think they are being kind by asking for preferred pronouns I say: Please don’t.

I want to speak with my school board before gender ideology comes to our district full force. I am afraid of being targeted, bringing trouble to my district and then possibly getting fired. Most importantly, I am afraid of damaging the relationship I now have with my daughter. It is a true blessing from God and I wonder if we would have gotten here any other way. While I pray that my own daughter comes around, there has to be something I can do, on a bigger scale. I want to get information to the parents of my child’s friend group—at the very least they should know about Genspect and PITT, who are speaking up for the parents who are not going along with gender ideology. I know God will use me at the right time to speak out but for now I am just building my story and waiting to help.

For everyone in this fight, when you get discouraged and tired, look at how far it has come since Susan Evans raised the alarm, Keira Bell bravely took a legal stand—Tavistock the British clinic that permanently harmed so many children, has been deemed no longer safe and will be shuttered. Eventually, the US will have to follow Sweden, Finland, Belgium and the UK in their dramatic dialing back of medical interventions for children’s identities. To all those parents who are hanging on by a thread, ready to give up I say: Please don’t.

I tried to record yesterday’s Zoom call with Jamie’s counselor, Mr. Calvin* but it didn’t work. I guess it’s good to know that the iPhone doesn’t record Zoom calls, unless you’re the host. If anyone knows how to recover it from my end, please let me know. I did a quick Google, and nothing. I wish I’d pushed to have an in-person meeting. So easy to record that way. But alas.

In any case, what I recall, is that after our polite hellos, I launched into my spiel. It goes a little something like this:

I wanted to talk about this policy the school has where they change my kid’s name and pronouns behind my back. I read through the regulation regarding trans youth and it states explicitly that you keep this a secret from parents. You know there are multiple states with lawsuits against this policy?

Mr. Calvin shakes his head.

I know it’s important to be supportive, and to be inclusive, but this is something different. If my kid were gay or actually trans, I’d be 100% behind it. I’m as liberal as they come. But what’s happening is that the school, with all its blathering on about the importance of community, is driving a wedge between my kid and me. It’s tearing a hole in our family cohesion. This isn’t a 1950s trope where I’m going to kick my kid out of the house for being gay.

Mr. Calvin responds by asking what I want out of this meeting.

In all honesty I don’t really know. I know you can’t do anything about the policy. I guess I want to know what you think. You know Jamie. I already talked to Mr. Case and Mrs. O’Hannon and they talked about the importance of being supportive and inclusive, which of course I get, but this isn’t that. I know my daughter, and she never showed any signs of gender dysphoria, or homosexuality, and now, partly because of the GSA, plus this affirmation model you all follow, she thinks she’s trans. And every adult in this school, every authority figure is encouraging a delusion.

Mr. Calvin tells me that he sympathizes with my position but that he’s not going to tell a kid that she can’t be who she is. After all, there are statistics out there, that she might very well come to harm if she is not affirmed.

You’re talking about the 41% suicide rate?

He nods.

That’s been debunked. In fact, it’s more likely, seven to ten years AFTER transition that suicide rates increase.

Blank stare.

You know, I grew up here. My parents got divorced and I moved away during middle school. I wanted to go here for high school so bad. When I moved back as an adult I couldn’t wait to send my kids here, and now (here’s where I start to cry) it’s potentially ruining my daughter. And this name? The name she chose, the name that’s under her yearbook picture? The name they’ll announce when she walks across the stage to receive her diploma?

I tell him the story about Jamie’s chosen name. I wrote about that yesterday.

That’s the consequence of keeping it from parents. If I’d been part of that conversation, we could have worked together to at least come up with a different name.

(Okay, I wasn’t actually that eloquent. But I believe I made my point.)

Mr. Calvin offers another smidge of sympathy for my situation, which he admits he can’t know. He’s not a bad guy. He’s simply toeing the party line in order to keep his job. Everyone has bills to pay. I get it. And he hasn’t done any research on his own, that I can tell. Why would he need to? His own kids are still babies. And support and inclusion are so warm and fuzzy and obvious. I mean DUH, you have to support the kids! But the part of me that grew up on movies like Norma Rae, Silkwood and Erin Brockovitch wants so. much. more.

Here’s a highlight:

He says, When a kid walks into my office, I’m going to support them. I believe it’s the most important thing to support them. (I detect a hint of accusation that I am doing the opposite.)

I believe in supporting a kid as well. But you seem to define support as affirmation. Here’s how I define support: for one thing, support means teaching a child that no one outside her can make her happy or validate her identity. You know this, as a counselor. Support means teaching her that she cannot control what others think of her or how they respond to her. And that her happiness and validation have to come from within. For another thing, support means teaching my child that biology is real and she can’t change her sex. It means not supporting a delusion that can lead to irreparable harm.

Mr. Calvin says nothing for a good juicy pause. I feel utterly, delectably vindicated. When he finally speaks he says something like, Well we’re not going to debate biology and gender. That’s beyond my job description.

Yet you and every teacher here are employing a psychological approach to affirm my daughter’s gender identity! That’s beyond all of your job descriptions!

Another mouth-watering pause. In the moments of his muteness I can sense the tide turn. I can feel the check mate. The surrender. And oh, Mr. Calvin realizes with a sigh that he’s been hoodwinked and bamboozled by GLSEN and all the other trans-friendly organizations that have coached the school’s policy. After punching himself in the face a few times he tells me he’s going to quit his job and fight alongside me to get this hideous ideology out of the school! It is a glorious day! The clouds part, the sun shines and the angels sing!

Oh, wait. That doesn’t happen. What really transpires is that we have a few more angry and awkward silences and I ask him for the names of the board members who run the school district policies. Then we end the call and I email the two evil ladies to ask who wrote the policy and who advised it. But I already know. Here’s a screen grab of all the outside resources the school aligns with—

And here is their supportive, inclusive statement, welcoming to all, except those who express skepticism, disagreement or terror:

I have yet to hear back from the two board members. But rest assured, they will hear from me.