A Perfect World…For Who?

I love my daughter very much.

Oh! Sorry, I misspoke. That’s my son now—a lot has changed since you and I last saw each other! I didn’t mean to misgender him. You would think I’d have figured it out after all these years. If I didn’t know better, I’d wonder if part of me still subconsciously sees him as a girl. But that can’t be true, that’d be transphobic!

This whole journey started the summer before sixth grade. My son was still living as my daughter at the time, just coming to terms with his attraction to other girls. One evening, not long before the school year would begin again, he sat down with me and my husband and confessed to having a crush on a girl from school. We reassured him (or her?) that it’s okay to be attracted to the same gender, and he was grateful for our support.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, we had to transfer him to a new school—one without his old friends. I was worried that it would be difficult for him to adjust, but he made new friends at the new school almost immediately. His academic performance continued to impress, which led his math teacher to have him placed in advanced classes for the second semester. According to him, it was around that same time that he discovered the idea of trans people, and realized that it perfectly described him. He says that he came out to one of his closest friends—a girl named Marcie—and she told him, that same class period, that she was actually also a trans boy called Lucas.

That reminds me, I haven’t told you my son’s new name yet! Currently, he goes by Martin, isn’t that such a lovely name? At this point in the story, though, he had a different chosen name. He told his friend that he wanted to be called Alexis. Some of his friends didn’t like that name, though, because there was already a student at the school named Alexis. That’s why, when he finally came out to us the next year, his new chosen name was Kai.

I regret to admit that I wasn’t very accepting at first. I told him all that typical hateful and transphobic nonsense about biological reality and how transitioning is essentially anti-gay conversion therapy. I hadn’t yet discovered how harmful reality and truth is to trans kids, and I’m so grateful that my son was resilient enough to withstand that awful abuse from us.

When he was 14, I had come around enough that I was willing to let him see a gender specialist. After about an hour of discussion, we were given a referral to our local endocrinologist for a prescription of low-dose testosterone, or T for short. He explained that he only wanted to be on T for a little while, because he only wanted a little masculinization. After about six months, he went off T again. I don’t think it really did much of anything with how low the doses were, but as long as he’s happy, right?

He was 15, a few months out on the top surgery waitlist, when he came to us with another identity change. He wasn’t just trans, but nonbinary too—a nonbinary boy, he says. Not only that, he also identifies with a robot from a video game, “Mettaton” from “Undertale”. He made it clear that he said he identifies “with”, not “as”. I don’t understand what difference he thinks there is, but I don’t dare question anything because he’s the expert. This was also when he adopted his current name (Martin, as I’ve already mentioned).

His top surgery went very well, and he was so happy about his flat, scarred, nipple-less new chest! Shortly after he had recovered, he started asking us if other surgeries would be an option. I curiously asked if he was thinking about bottom surgery and reminded him that transphobic heathens had outlawed it for minors. He explained that, no, what he really wanted was “cheeky surgery” for his metal dysphoria, and I told him I’d look into it.

After a bit of research, I found Dr. Roby Botta’s page about cheeky surgery—which, it explained, is surgery on the face to replace one side’s cheek and jaw (or, rarely, both sides’) with an attractive exposed metal plate. Can I just mention how cute the name is? Trans people are so good at trivializing irreversible surgeries, I love it! He has a consultation in May for his cheeky surgery.

I’m not an evil transphobe, but sometimes I have to wonder what his (or her?) future will look like. What if she does something she regrets? What if someday there’s a way to robotify her whole face, but she regrets it? What if she wants to cry from all the damage she realizes she’s done, but her constructed robot eyes can’t produce tears like her rejected human ones could? What if she decides she wants to be a mother someday, but can’t have children because of her “treatments”? What if she can have a child, but can’t breastfeed it with her missing, scarred chest? What if the child reaches out for a hug, and is met instead with cold, heartless metal arms where my daughter’s arms once were?

Is all this “affirmation” REALLY her “perfect world”?

In the real world, my daughter actually identifies as trans and a robot but thankfully has not yet taken testosterone or had any surgeries. She is 17, though, and I fear what the next year may bring. For now, I’m thankful that the world might be starting to see the insanity for what it is—it can’t happen fast enough. We will keep fighting until all our children are safe. One child transitioned is one child too many.