Brainwashed: Yes, Content from School, the Internet, and Peer Influence did Make My Kid “Trans”
My teenage son and I recently discussed what led to his belief that he was a transgender girl for a period of two years, and why he desisted. My son recorded the following conversation and sent it to me, with the hope it might help another family. After his experience, he now expresses opposition to the transitioning of youth and is in favor of the direction the state of Florida is moving in.
Me: Tell me about when you first came across the topic of gender identity.
Son: It was really from this one book I read that was from this school reading list.
Me: Was it Lily and Dunkin from the Rebecca Caudill List?
Son: Yeah, that was it. After that I took out other books (electronically) and was reading about it. I can’t remember any of the names off the top of my head. I decided maybe that this is like me and the people in the books seemed so happy after transitioning. I think the main thing was I joined a discord community. It wasn’t even related to being transgender, there just happened to be trans people in there because this has spread so far. Once in a while, we would talk about trans stuff and it, I don’t know, made me more quote unquote comfortable.
Me: What was the discord channel for?
Son: It was about Fortnight.
Me: So how would the topic of trans come up in a channel for gamers?
Son: The person who ran it said they were trans. They had a lot of other mental issues too. So they just, not encouraged it, but they talked about it or other people would even though it wasn’t on topic. After that I started creating my own personality for myself online, I guess. I was thinking I’m fine with this, maybe this is who I actually am.
Me: You thought it would make you feel better (less depressed). Did it make you feel better?
Son: It was more of a mentality of just a little more and then I will. I never felt any better from it.
Me: When did you start really thinking that you were trans? When did you tell us?
Son: 8th grade-ish. At that point I was really depressed. And going into freshman year, that’s when I really started thinking about it. Did I tell you then?
Me: Yes, you sent me a text when you were in 8th grade.
Son: Yes, that was when, around there, I was thinking this is who I am and I need to tell my parents about it.
Me: Did you feel like anyone in these online communities pushed you in a certain direction?
Son: Not really. It was more of, oh look at all these people, they are doing it and you’re not the only one. Someone sent me a link to another trans community group.
Me: What was the main platform you used?
Son: Discord. I watched content from some YouTube videos.
Me: At times it seemed like you were speaking from a script.
Son: It wasn’t like I came across a list of what you say to your parents. It was more of a message that your parents wouldn’t understand. The stupidest thing I came across was a list of doctors who do things with no questions asked. I thought it was stupid. Imagine thinking that you are smarter than a medical professional! That was towards the end when I was unsubscribing from all these things on YouTube because I was thinking it wasn’t me.
Me: When did you start to have doubts about being trans?
Son: When I changed my name at school. I wouldn’t answer any questions in class because that is how scared I was of them saying anything about it. I thought oh my God I made the wrong effing move here.
Me: How did you change your name in school?
Son: I went to the counselor, quite a few times. She said “no, if your parents aren’t for it I am not doing that.” She discouraged me from coming back, but I did about five times. I really pressured her into it. I lied and said you were coming around. I guess I should be more persistent about other things.
Me: You were insisting on wearing a dress to the dance.
Son: It was more, I was with that group of people (friends from GSA) and I thought well, look at them, they seem like they are happy, maybe if I keep pushing through I’ll feel better. I see this a lot with people in the trans community, they’ll say “I’ll do this one more thing. Then you get to the point where there is no more one more thing. At that point there is nothing you can do and they even admit that “it isn’t enough for me.”
Me: Did you understand why we wouldn’t call you another name?
Son: Maybe you did tell me some good reasons, but I was so enraged I didn’t even listen to it.
Me: Did you know I spoke to a school administrator and asked them to call you by your birth name?
Son: Yes, she told me, and by that time I was thinking thank God! That’s why I didn’t fight it or anything.
Me: You still were going along with it for a while after.
Son: Yeah…
Me: What was the final turning point for you?
Son: At first you were showing me some of those videos and at first I was tuning it out, thinking it was stupid. Then I realized it was a lot worse than I thought, you know. I don’t know if it would have helped had I not been at the breaking point. At that point I was really torn and it finally brought me over.
If you had shown me it earlier I wouldn’t have believed it, would have thought it was stupid shit. I feel like I am a different person than I was then.
Me: Do you feel the inappropriate content you saw on the internet was a factor in your trans identification?
Son: Not really to be honest with you. I feel like more of an issue is that we have so many people pushing it on YouTube, even people who are adults, who should know better. It was like hey, just know, if you’re there, you don’t have to doubt yourself, believe in yourself.
Me: Did you get these messages mostly over the internet or also in person?
Son: Both. When I joined the school GSA…
Me. It’s okay. I suggested you join. Would the messages be from the GSA sponsor or other group members?
Son: The other group members. She (the sponsor) was really careful with what she said. It was seeing other people there who seem to be in the same situation as you, I would think, maybe I shouldn’t be doubting myself so much.
Me: If we had taken more of a hard line, telling you absolutely not, when you told us you were transgender, do you think it would have made a difference?
Son: That’s a good question. I don’t think so. I think ideally, and I am not blaming you for not doing this earlier, maybe what a parent would want to do, in a careful way, would be to give them more doubts to think about.
Me: It was really challenging to find information that backed what I thought I was seeing: that a young person who says they are trans might be wrong.
Son: We are not going to shove a kid in a car and say oh you’re smart enough to drive. Kids just don’t have the critical thinking skills.
Me: No matter how smart they are.
Son: Yeah, they don’t have the resistance to mob mentality.
Me: Oh yeah, the peer pressure. But for you it seemed to start on the internet.
Son: For me, it was trust in older (trans) people saying this on YouTube videos. Because they were older than me, I thought maybe they knew a thing or two. There were YouTubers who talked about only trans and others, that that was who they are but created other content and mix in trans every once in a while. Very few people are giving you a list, like hey this is what you want to do in this situation. It was more, hey, I’m feeling good now.
I did that too. I said I changed my name, and I’m feeling a lot better. Obviously, that was complete b.s.
Me: How does that happen?
Son: I was lying to myself.
Note: For a time, too long actually, I wrote off my intuition that extended time on the internet could have influenced my son’s sudden trans identification. After all, my google searches told me that just thinking that a transgender identify could be related to internet use was transphobic. That my child encountered transgender characters during a middle school reading class and had access to multiple books on the topic was a surprise. When he was 15, as he took steps to socially transition, I was becoming more concerned that he would pursue a life changing medical path as soon as he was able. I largely tried to remain calm, but at one point, in utter exasperation, I remember exclaiming to my son “You’re not transgender, you’re brainwashed!” It was many months later that it dawned on me that, as a lifelong liberal, I had been brainwashed by trans ideology too.
The key is in your son's statement: "I think ideally, and I am not blaming you for not doing this earlier, maybe what a parent would want to do, in a careful way, would be to give them more doubts to think about." The more parents affirm trans, the less room there is for the other side to be represented, just at a time in their development when kids need that other perspective to ground them.
Dealing with kids respectfully doesn't mean having to affirm all their choices. Brainwashing is going on at multiple levels of society; parents, too, are constantly gaslighted and made to feel that trans is the "new normal" and that being anti-affirmation is transphobic. Affirming trans means no one is there to give voice to the doubts. Peers and parents are kids' main reference points, with social media assuming an increasingly influential role. When all sides are affirming, the kids have no place to retreat to after going down the trans rabbit hole. Parents need to be the ladder out of that hole, offering love, compassion, warmth, and a connection to the child's history, while respecting their individuality and the struggles teens go through in the process of maturing. Parents are the ones that must hold firm with the reality that people can't change sex, that gender roles are oppressive to all of us, and that we can be beautiful and happy in the sexes we were born into.
We all need to speak up as much as possible, difficult as that may be. I'm an activist liberal who has recently started talking more about being a lifelong gender-critical feminist. It is hard to be the lone voice, but it is absolutely essential that we push ourselves to do so. By speaking out, we find that we are not alone and that not everyone buys into the trans agenda.
I just want to give a shout out to the school counselor who told your son “no” to a name change 4 times. It highlights what a difficult position school personnel are in. It’s easy to cast them as the enemy, but their situation is also complicated. No matter their personal thoughts, they may believe they are doing the right thing, or be afraid of losing their jobs.
I think one major part of the solution to this whole thing is talking about it. Talk about it to everyone you possibly can. Make it normal again to worry about the long term health and needs of children and adolescents. I’m going to try and have more conversations, and I’m going to start with the fact that puberty blockers for 2 years and then cross-add hormones guarantees infertility and also the probable loss of sexual function for the child’s entire life. That alone should give us pause, not to mention the woeful lack of good, long term research about any of this.