Breaking Free: my journey through and out of trans ideology

I had known about transgender people ever since I was a kid. I had friends in middle school who identified as trans and I would see videos of trans people online. I never considered myself to be trans until I was a teenager.

When I was 12 years old, I found out about a social media website called Trevor Space through the suicide chatline from the Trevor Project. I struggled with my mental health and liked girls and I thought a mental health site for LGBTQ kids would really help me. When I joined the site, I was "love bombed" immediately. Everyone was so accepting of me being gay and offered support for my mental health. I read posts from other users about being transgender and experiencing gender dysphoria. Everything they were saying sounded so familiar.

I hated my body as well. I wasn't very feminine but not very masculine either. I was into girls and I had mental health issues that I was now assuming could be because I was “born in the wrong body”. After some questioning, I decided I was transgender. I was affirmed by the site and told I should be affirmed in real life too. I attempted to "come out" to my mom but she did not affirm my transgender identity. People on the site told me this was abusive and I agreed because I thought my body hatred, my "dysphoria", could only be fixed by transitioning.

So, now I was at a point where I believed the only people who would care about me were people on the site and other LGBTQ or affirming people. This is when they started to control my actions through their "rules" and "standards". They had ever-changing list of rules about what was socially acceptable to say and opinions that were acceptable to have. Things like "trigger warnings" on everything, using people's "neopronouns", and believing that you didn't need gender dysphoria to be trans, essentially that everyone who says they're trans is. If you broke any of these rules, you would be alienated on the site.

It hurt me so much when it first happened to me, because I was rejected by the "only people who would ever like me". Because of this I conformed to their behavior and learned to keep my mouth shut and not question so I would have friends. I went deeper down the rabbit hole. I ruminated over gender dysphoria constantly and it got a lot worse. It was to a point where I would sometimes cry looking at my body. I saw my female body as deformed and was embarrassed by it.

I didn't do anything major to physically transition because I was trying to hide it from my mom who I was convinced was abusive by not affirming. I did however "bind" with multiple sports bras and wore men’s clothing (I still sometimes do wear a mix of male and female clothing).

I came out socially at school and asked my teachers and classmates to call me male pronouns and by my new chosen name. I specifically asked them to hide it from my mom. This went on for a while.

After going through a breakup with someone I "dated" on the site, I came to the realization that I had no real friends. I started to find that interacting on the site was more of a chore than a relief, so I left. I then joined some other sites going "stealth" and just calling myself a boy, not telling anyone I was transgender. I really liked people thinking I was just a straight boy. However, I felt inauthentic and still lonely, and eventually drifted apart from people on other sites too.

This was a part of my life where I had to accept being alone. I didn't have any friends but that's what it took to finally think for myself. I started watching gender critical content online, which I didn't always agree with but I was finally hearing something different and it was refreshing. I slowly let go of a lot of "woke" opinions, but my trans identity was one of the last things I let go.

I started with saying you needed gender dysphoria to be trans, then moved on to “I'm trans but we shouldn't medicalize children”. Finally, I questioned myself for real and decided I'm not identifying as trans anymore. This was after three years. Now I was starting 11th grade. I decided this year I'm going to be myself, and I'm not going to try to convince people I'm a boy. I never publicly came out as a desister so people still referred to me as my old name sometimes. It was awkward but it was a lot better than demanding people respect my trans identity. I didn't have to expect so much from others and I had a lot less to be upset about.

My dysphoria gradually went away as I stopped ruminating. It took some more time before I realized how manipulative and ridiculous this whole thing was. Now people say I'm a traitor to the LGBTQ community or that I was never trans at all. It's similar to how ex cult members are treated. To them, there's no legitimate reason to leave the trans community so, if you do, you are vilified. However, I still tell my story because I no longer rely on other people to like me or tell me what to think, and that is very freeing.