By Grace You Have Been Saved

Last month my world stopped.

We accidently came across a prescription refill from after helping my son move. I felt cold dread drip down my back as soon as I saw the name that sounded like estrogen.

We called him on speaker phone. My husband had to ask the questions because I could not breathe. I used to worry about him. He went through a phase in high school with a trans friend. He was incredibly smart but not social. Most of his friends were on the internet, and he was very sensitive.

But he had matured. He was independent, responsible, had a college degree and a very good job.

“Are you taking this medication?”

Long sigh, “I knew I would have to tell you eventually. I just wasn't ready to talk about it.”

“About what? Are you taking hormones?”

“Yes. I've been planning for years.”

“Planning what? How long have you been taking them?”

“Four months. I've been planning to transition for years. First, I had to graduate and move out.”

Years?! I could hear the devil laughing as my insides felt like they were being ripped from me. You think just because you homeschooled him his whole life, he would be safe? That because you have been reading PITT essays and books about gender issues for years that he would be protected from this. That because you taught him a Biblical worldview and went to church consistently, he would be fine?? What more could I have done? What did I do wrong? Dear Lord, Jesus in Heaven, intercede. Hear my prayer. Have mercy on my son, my beautiful boy.

My husband just kept calmly asking questions. How was he so calm? That was not normal.

“Son, tell us why. We are in shock. Can you help us understand?”

“There is a guy I'm in love with. I'm gay. I'm going to become a woman and be with him.”

He told us a lot of history and feelings, but it sounded strange. It didn't make sense. I asked what his five-year plan was. Did it include surgery?

“If that's what it takes.” Oh dear God. Could it be any worse?

“Are you attracted to him? Sexually?”

“No. It's not like that.”

Wait... What?

“Are you attracted to any men?”

“No. But I'm in love with him.”

“Tell us about that. What does that mean?”

The phone call continued with us asking questions and trying to make sense of his answers. My husband had somehow become a master of emotional control and peacemaking. He paced for hours talking to our son while I went to go deal with normal home life. I was jealous that I was missing out on all the talking, and the rest of the family wondered what was happening and why I kept crying. I just told them their brother was having trouble. What else could I say? The teenagers got the idea that it was some kind of mental health crisis. Yeah, you could say that.

That night my amazing rock of a husband packed a suitcase and drove hours to go spend time with our son. My husband stayed for days just talking. They went to a local church and the whole sermon was on labels we put on ourselves and where our identity is found.

I found out many things from my husband. I found out our son was afraid to share his feelings with us because he thought we would go into controlling parent mode. He also thought we would get angry and judgmental. In fact, he thought every time I asked if he ate dinner or got enough sleep or did his laundry, I was judging him. I thought I was being a normal mom, but I also see now that I was too critical in many of my comments.

I discovered that he thought he was gay because his online friends referred to him and his friend as a couple. They talked all the time and watched movies together (virtually). If they lived a century ago, they would have been called bosom friends. But this is now and many of his friends are trans or have not been in a face-to-face relationship. In his inflexible mind, the only way their relationship made sense was for him to be a woman and then they could be together in person. There was no sexual aspect to it. I still don't totally understand how his brain works. I found out how easily he obtained the medication through one tele-health appointment. He told us it is pretty crazy because he could have picked his own drug cocktail. He thought he was too far gone with the medication to reverse the effects. Not true. I found out that if we had embraced his decision or acted very mean and judgmental, he would have thought our whole faith was a lie.  

I can tell you where we are now, but it seems unreal, like it was all just a terrible dream. He threw away the pills and has completely changed his outlook. He joined us for a family vacation, and he was barely on his phone. He is smiling and interacting with us all again. We talk almost daily. He feels like a survivor, like he dodged a bullet. I feel a bit like that too, but I'm traumatized. We came so close to severing a relationship with him. If we had reacted in anger, he was ready to ignore us and go all the way. All due to a false notion! I'm afraid of the what ifs, of the future, of the influence of his online community, of when my other neurodiverse, square peg children reach adulthood.

But I am thankful for today. I'm thankful for God's provision. I'm thankful for our relationship and the openness we currently have. That we took a breath before we talked to him. That we asked questions instead of condemning. That he loved us enough to answer them calmly. That he loved his siblings enough that he didn't want to influence them. That he calls himself a straight man now. I have often prayed for PITT families when I read their stories, and I feel even more acutely the pain and loss my fellow dear readers have suffered. I have survivor's guilt and wonder that I have been so fortunate to have avoided their pain.

What do I take away from this? Nobody is safe, but there is always hope. Keep loving and praying. May God be with us all. I find inspiration in this passage from Ephesians 2:1-10 and hope it is helpful to you.

“As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“