Candles
Bleeding with pain and waking up from nightmares
The darkest time was November and December 2024 when our visitation rights with our daughter were canceled. This was the holiday season. While most people were looking forward to the season, we dreaded decorating our Christmas tree without her.
To keep her room at least a little ‘alive’, I would go to TJ Maxx and Ross and buy scented candles. I would put them on her window sill and they would burn all night, filling her room with wonderful scents of vanilla, strawberry, rose and mint. I would replace them with new ones until the spring of 2025.
Below is a copy of the report Child Protection Services produced after our visit with out daughter that December.
Visit Details
Start Date: 12/12/2024
Start Time: [Not specified]
End Date: 12/13/2024
End Time: [Not specified]
On Behalf Of: our daughter’s legal name
Visit Supervision: CWS Staff
Visit Party Type: Child/Parent-Guardian
Participant(s): Mom, our daughter
Method: In-Person
Status: Attempted
Summary
Dad did not attend the visit. Mom stated she would respond in writing regarding visits. PM reminded mom of the next visit scheduled for Thursday 12/19, 4:00-5:00 at 1313 Yuba St. Mom inquired about Saturday visits. PM explained that due to *****’s behavior at the previous Saturday visit, visits would now occur at 1313 Yuba St. during business hours. Mom disputed the behaviors, stating ***** was only trying to give the child cake. PM referenced emailed notes. Mom acknowledged receiving them but claimed no behaviors were noted. Mom attributed tire squealing to wet roads. PM stated Dad’’s behaviors were not safe for the child, staff, or other families. Mom maintained Dad had no behaviors and accused the agency of depriving the child of the father based on one person’s incorrect opinion. PM restated the next visit details and proposed a morning visit on 12/26. Mom stated she would respond in writing. Mom inquired about items the child declined previously; PM confirmed they remained in the office. Mom requested PM bring the items to the next visit. PM agreed. PM and SSW escorted mom to the lobby. Mom signed out and exited the building.
Throughout the conversation (without the child present), mom referred to the child exclusively as by her legal name and used she/her pronouns.
After Child Left the Room
Mom cried and expressed that the situation hurts her heart. She stated she is doing her best but finds it very difficult. Mom said she takes good care of her son at home and wants her daughter to come back home. She struggles to see the child as a boy, referring to the child as by her legal name and not the fake male name. Mom expressed fear that the child will take supplements to transition and hopes she does not, as the child is not fully developed physically or emotionally. Mom hopes that when her daughter grows older, she accepts herself without pursuing transition.
SSW Lazurenko Addendum
Mom kept the conversation appropriate but referred to the child as a girl and used she/her pronouns. Mom complimented the child’s appearance, mentioned the father receiving an award, and noted the little brother doing well and missing the child. Mom stated she lights a candle in the child’s room because it makes her feel like the child’s spirit is with her at home. Mom attempted to ask about school and wellbeing. The child was non-responsive. Mom spoke about a gift for the child.
Strengths
The child and mom both attended the visit.
Mom attempted to engage in conversation with the child and maintain a positive tone.
The child is able to articulate why he does not feel safe visiting his parents and requested staff assistance for safety by asking mom not to sit close.
Concerns
Dad did not attend the visit.
The child requested to end the visit after 11 minutes.
The child did not respond to mom’s attempts at conversation, looked away, and turned his back toward mom.
Mom lacks insight into how her behavior and past events are impacting the current relationship with the child.
Mom refused to speak in English despite encouragement and explanation that it would benefit the case.
End of Report
I replaced all times they referring to her by the male name and her legal name because we are threatened with contempt of court all the time by the judge.
It hurts…
It hurts to look at her childhood pictures
It hurts to see moms and teenage girls happily walking next to each other
It hurts to hear her name when other people use it with their kids
It hurts to hear her little brother ask when he can go back to his home he loves so dearly
It hurts to sleep on the mattresses again
It hurts to wake up from nightmares
It hurts to realize no food brings joy and nothing brings consolation
It hurts to think the lawyer who you trusted so much, betrayed you so ruthlessl
It hurts to know you have a daughter but other financially interested people have access to her while I don’t
It hurts to hear her call Maggie ‘mom’
It hurts to see her face on a computer in strangers’ home sitting on the bunkbed to which she arrived in CPS ‘clutches’ as an innocent girl
It hurts not to smell her hair anymore
It hurts to hear songs, smell perfume or food that reminds me of the times we were one family in sickness and in health
It hurts to have to redact her name and pixelate her pretty face on photos…
It hurts to try not to think how disfigured her beautiful, once healthy, body is
It hurts to hear wind chime - that was on the video recorded of her removal day
It hurts to answer about the number of children I have
It hurts to see my son jumping and running to hide every time the door bell rings
It hurts to see his tantrums because I know where they stem from
It hurts to see people stopping communicating with me when they find out I deal with CPS
It hurts to stop trusting people.
It hurts to legally come to the ‘country where, they say, laws work and dreams come true’ and be treated as subhumans by the entire Shasta county , the judge and the CPS.
It hurts to remember the great plans I had had for her summer of 2024: getting her a drivers’ license, finding her a job, me volunteering with autistic kids drawing my art, her college classes
When the spring of 2025 came and it became too hot to burn candles, I started planting charming and graceful orchids. I eventually had to gift them to another family because we were forced out to flee from our home we love and the state.
As PITT parents we share your pain and agony, trans is one of the worst things ever foisted onto society, forcing your mom and dad to call you wrong pronouns and a new name. Trans is to humanity what Islam is to Christianity and the broader society, calling what is good, evil, calling what is evil, good, not creative, not building, not striving, not empowerment, not bettering yourself or anyone else, just pure decay, destruction and death. All I can do is keep hope alive for my daughter and yours, as I walk this cursed, sad, broken hearted, lonely road, pretty much alone. It's truly unbelievable, unimaginable. God help us all!
I pray for your daughter to wake from this nightmare. I pray for you to find peace through this nightmare, somehow. It is so awful. The system is broken and unjust around this issue. Sending you hugs.