Who could have imagined that society would get to a place where loving parents are belittled and called names because they question practices that are harmful to their children? And yet, here we are. The belittling and name-calling aimed at parents who question gender ideology is getting out of hand. Thousands of us are on the receiving end of insults, adding to the challenges of navigating new identifications and behaviors in our homes.
Many parents of trans-identifying children do not feel favorably framed or supported in today’s world of gender ideology. I wrote about the devaluation of parents in a previous essay.
Here is how it often plays out for parents who suddenly find themselves with a trans-identifying kid.
First, the ideology takes over the vulnerable child, who may not have displayed any gender non-conformity before they were exposed to gender ideology in school, by peers or another family member, on social media, or by a combination of sources. Second, parents may not feel their child’s trans declaration makes sense and are concerned that confusion, mental distress, trauma, autism, or other issues are being funneled into one answer and solution: the child was born wrong and they need immediate access to drugs and surgeries to “fix” their bodies and make them look like the opposite sex. Third, some parents believe their child was born right and want their child left alone or given time to naturally mature with non-invasive care to address the root causes of their distress. And so they raise concerns or express disagreement with drugs and surgeries. These parents are frequently villainized and assailed with name-calling by their own kids and others who are proponents of gender ideology.
I suspected that I was not alone in my alarm about the increase in name-calling, so I queried other parents in parent support groups and forums to which I belong. I compiled the following list of derogatory names that parents have been called when they don’t affirm their child’s “trans” identification:
Transphobe
Bigot
Cissy bigot
Cis cunt
Homophobic
Unsupportive
Unsafe
Untrustworthy
Unloving
Heartless
Hateful
Intolerant
Disrespectful
Ignorant
Uneducated
Conservative
Far-right extremist
Fascist
Nazi
Evil
Oppressive
Genocidal
Narcissistic
Controlling
Worthless
TERF (trans-exclusionary radical feminist)
Trash
Bitch
Egg/sperm donor
Child abuser
These names may come from our own kids who spew them in anger (likely repeating what they’ve heard or read), allies of our kids, and trans activists. Is it really “hateful” (or insert another adjective from the list) to wish to honor and protect our child’s natural body, unique personality, quirks, and non-stereotypical appearance and behaviors? Is it really unsupportive and unloving (or insert another descriptive word from the list) to balk at the gender industry that rushes our kids onto a medical “disassembly line” of their natural health and bodies? Does anyone else find this activist campaign that disparages parents with name-calling and bullying disturbing?
Many parents (and others) believe that the radical use of drugs, puberty blockers, and cross-sex hormones that make our kids medical patients for life and come with a host of adverse health effects should be the last resort. It makes sense to first address the underlying issues and provide treatment and potential help and healing in a natural, non-invasive manner. Many parents consider it barbaric to rush their kids into surgeries that remove healthy body parts and healthy reproductive organs, and we have a right to question if this treatment pathway follows the Hippocratic oath: “Do No Harm.”
It is unacceptable for parents to be belittled, bullied, emotionally blackmailed, and pigeonholed into irreversible treatments and procedures for their children. It is not the sign of a sound, progressive movement when children are calling their parents vicious names, encouraged to alienate or discard them, and even declaring that “parents are the enemy.” We are not the enemy; we do not want our child to self-harm or be harmed by captured practitioners of gender affirmation “care”. Furthermore, parents are frustrated because, when we ask questions of our kids or those in gender medicine, instead of answering our questions, the providers divert our attention and change the subject. We have valid concerns! Please stop these evasion techniques.
Besides the name-calling, here is a list of other tactics that trans activists and trans enthusiasts deploy to try to break us:
Intimidate
Humiliate
Bully
Insult
Threaten
Scare
Exploit
Gaslight
Erase
Shame
Shun
Blame
Blacklist
Block
Cancel
Devalue
Demoralize
Undermine
Fire us from our employment
Take away our license in our profession
Rewrite our history
Mock our mourning
Our love for our children endures, even under these conditions. Note: I realize that people may behave badly on the gender-critical side too. Sometimes, those who have experienced pain and physical harm from gender medicine lash out with words of contempt too. And others are just appalled by how far extreme views and agendas have gone. It is not appropriate to use slurs or bullying tactics on either side of this controversy.
This essay only addresses the verbal abuse that parents and gender-critical people are experiencing. Another essay could feature the physical harassment, assaults, rape, and death threats that are also occurring. Why would an ideological movement, which calls itself progressive, behave in this way to those who disagree with it?
Of course, those who identify outside of sex-based stereotypes do not deserve wrath any more than parents do. The focus of this essay and most parents’ wishes is to be cautious when drastic, irreversible medicalization has been pushed, applauded, and normalized as good care for our children. When safeguards to protect our children are removed, as they are now, and parents are bullied into compliance or silence, we have entered into dangerous times.
Humanity has taken a dark turn. Examine gender ideology carefully. These tactics are not acceptable. Please do not encourage or participate in this activist strategy to break the spirit of concerned and questioning parents or those standing up for women’s rights, fairness in sports, and better care for our kids. Name-calling and bullying behavior lack maturity, sensibility, rationality, and kindness. Even if you are not in the arena of gender ideology, this treatment of parents should cause you to pause about the questionable virtues and characters of those who sling these names and fling these tactics at parents and gender-critical people.
Thank you for not participating in this egregious, insensitive, and sometimes cruel treatment of those who are devoting themselves to protecting children and vulnerable young adults.
For more on this author.
Yes, I'm sure that is the one I read. It was very informative!
Here is part of a letter I have written to the dean of students and professors of my son's university. We have to start fighting back!
My adult child has experienced a pattern of behavior which demonstrates an underlying mental health condition based on several factors I have identified. First, he stated in January that he was transitioning to a female using hormone therapy to start. J has had no prior gender distress throughout his childhood and early adult life. Since the transition, my adult child has become extremely totalitarian in philosophy. One example of this is a recent document to me which outlined 23 requirements I was expected to agree with 100% if communication between us was ever going to occur. I am including this document as an attachment so you can understand the militant nature of the expectations. Second, there has never been face-to-face communication since the letter to me. All of our discussions since have been through text (I have tried face-to face and phone/faceTime–with refusal). Third, on my recent visit to Seattle this past week, I left gifts at the doorstep, attempted to pick up a guitar that was borrowed, and stopped by the house to request a meeting. J called the cops on me, stating that I was “dangerous” and I “didn’t deserve to have a face to face.meeting”. I was only slightly rude when I realized J was hiding in the house acting much younger than a 24-year-old. Out of frustration, I raised my voice, requested more adult-like behavior, and stated “If you are going to reject me, at least have the decency to deal with it to my face and settle disagreements in person (scary, huh?). Fourth, J has developed an incredibly naive attitude of believing anything gender ideology states, while refusing to follow the science with factual, gold standard research as in the model of the CASS review. J won’t even look at the document, stating that all of my research is a lie. Hoping J doesn’t approach research on protein development in the same fashion! I believe J’s passion for the work in the labs at the university may have diminished because of the cult-like theology, and obsession with this new gender identity. This should be addressed and corrected if J stays in the program.
J’s actions are incredibly bizarre behaviors which have never been present before in our relationship. In fact, up until January, J was very close to family and quite loving. All of these behaviors and beliefs fall in line with trauma bonding to a cult. I have mentioned this to you in the past. Something is happening at the university that needs to be addressed. I believe it is also happening in the counseling section of the university with affirmative care which is guiding the transition process and encouraging J to remove anyone from his life who may disagree even slightly with the decision to transition (imagine a 2-year-old with that kind of authority to be able to boss around everyone in the household to get their way–this is what it feels like). These counselors appear to be pushing away the mental health concerns, and pushing clients toward the pathway to medicalization in the medical school. If nothing else, you need to look into this. The WPATH Standards of Care are NOT a model of care. They are a self-proclaimed activist group setting standards of care for medical professionals. They are a house of cards ready to fall, and need to be separated from gender medicine rather than leading it. Read the WPATH document I have attached to see for yourself how this agency is established and how poor the research is related to it.
As stated in my previous letter, the CASS review, the WPATH files, and the Johns Hopkins file review commissioned by WPATH all state that these medical processes and the medical research regarding gender care are lacking. Evidence for care is minimal at best. As stated previously, other nations are closing their gender clinics due to the overwhelming evidence of poor research and minimal evidence of positive outcomes with no long term follow up studies. Within the US, Dr. Jill Simons, a pediatrician and the executive director of the college of pediatricians came out last week launching “The Doctors Protecting Children declaration” at the National Press Club in Washington DC. It is a declaration from a coalition of doctors concerned about protocols used with children who have distress about gender issues. Vulnerable adults, too, have the need for protection against medical practices that can lead to lifelong medical dependency and lifelong medical conditions. Affirmative care should NEVER be the first line of defense for this population. We should not be doing experimental medical procedures with many unknown outcomes to vulnerable children and adults. This is not proper medical care and goes against the mandate “DO NO HARM”.
I believe hormone therapy is one factor which has created a personality shift in my child. Another is the cult nature surrounding the gender clinic and the gender community in the university. Yet another is the strong influence that the gender ideology is having on the folks with autism. I have been both a teacher and a therapist. My adult child has NEVER DISPLAYED SIGNS OF AUTISM in the past. Whatever has caused the fear, anxiety, and the autistic behaviors J is currently experiencing are new developments in J’s life. Perhaps it is vaccine injury, hormone treatment therapy, or the trauma bond with a cult. Any or all of these pieces are having a significant influence on J’s personality.
J and other transitioners' options in life are being limited with the dependence of lifelong medical care and lifelong mental health care. As J’s mother, I hold you responsible for encouraging an affirming model of care instead of supporting and investigating more deeply J’s mental health needs. Recently, J has self-diagnosed as autistic. This would make J one of the vulnerable populations that are being harmed by these medical interventions, as stated in the CASS review. I will be reaching out to my lawyer contacts and using this self-diagnosis as a claim of harm to a vulnerable population when the house of cards falls and J recognizes the harmful effects of these choices, which were actively encouraged and integrated into J’s time at the university, and at the medical gender clinic at the university, when J recognizes the harm it has caused.
There are currently 12 detransitioners with legal cases in the US, against medical agencies who have affirmed and encouraged medicalization. One case is pending in Oregon, another in California. Washington will be dealing with these issues soon as well. There are 60 cases waiting to be addressed, and 250 or more detransitioners who have reached out with medical malpractice concerns. It is imperative that you consider this massive group of folks in the background who are potential cases for lawsuits. It is also crucial that you understand some of the reasons behind WHY these young people are transitioning AND why they decide to detransition. These issues have been minimized by the medical community, which has jumped on the bandwagon of affirmative care due to their fear of the trans community. A particular law firm, with Josh Payne, co-founder of Campbell Miller Payne, a law firm dedicated to representing individuals who were misled and abused – many as children – into psychological and physical harm through a false promise of “gender-affirming care.” Campbell Miller Payne is committed to its mission to speak up for these victims, assert their rights, and pursue justice with his law firm. There is no excuse for this poor quality care and for the scathing disregard for the scientific process to be used within the gender clinics and the counseling community.
Especially you, Ms. Sakiyama-Elbert, as the dean of students—you should be asking questions and sharing information to ensure that all of your students are receiving appropriate, accurate, scientific-driven content and training, in order to provide the best medical care possible. In the future (very soon, I think) we will all consider the gender affirming care model, led by WPATH, to be the worst possible medical experiment on young, vulnerable children and young adults. It is time to make a difference now, not look back and see you have been partially responsible for encouraging the problem, by not taking a stand against it. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone! The other two of you, in my opinion, should at the least read the attached documents and be willing to use the CASS review as “THE GOLD STANDARD OF RESEARCH” for your students to look at to see what is excellent about it. It is the type of quality work you want from students.
Once again, attached are the 23 requirements from J, the CASS review, the WPATH files, WPATH Standards of Care 8, and a link to the Johns Hopkins review paid for, but not published, by WPATH.
Johns Hopkins file review link: https://academic.oup.com/jes/article/5/4/bvab011/6126016?login=false