Detransitioner Perspective: Building Strong Foundations

Artist: @SarahVaci on twitter and @lordvaci on Instagram

I struggle with advice for parents. I’m not a parent myself, I wasn’t a minor when I started transitioning and, in general, I have difficulty maintaining healthy, emotionally mature relationships. That last fact might be a little bit attributable to being autistic, a little bit attributable to having experienced childhood trauma, and a little bit attributable to family. My parents struggled with expressing emotions just as their parents did and their grandparents did. They weren’t bad people; they were just people with so much going on that they only knew what their own families taught them.  

My shortcomings in understanding what makes a relationship healthy is likely the reason I ended up falling into toxic social justice culture online (which eventually led to my transition). Positive relationships require a certain amount of vulnerability from both sides. Vulnerability means, at best, you might face a response you aren’t happy with and, at worst, you might end up feeling rejected. Positive relationships also require a willingness to engage in good faith—to not assume the person on the other end is out to get you, regardless of whether you agree on everything or not. Overall, they involve a certain amount of emotional control, an acceptance of risk, and a sense of trust and safety. 

In the social justice world, emotional control was not necessary. In fact, losing control (particularly in defense of those deemed marginalized) was frequently rewarded. What was necessary was understanding the rules. You needed to know the proper narrative— to view the world through the proper lens, and to remember which words were allowed and which words were slurs. If you “educated yourself” and knew your place, then you could belong. To an isolated, anxious, and otherwise socially dysfunctional youth, it was enticing to realize that I had a community of like-minded people available to me if I just memorized the difference between good and bad. And, as an autistic person, I was already primed for rule-following. I could be seen as a “good person”, feel like I was making the world a better place, and I would get social rewards (likes, follows, and even some friends) for doing so.  

It took me many years to understand that sharing an ideology with a group of people does not necessarily make you into a community. If your friends immediately shove you into the “bad person” box instead of curiously and calmly questioning your viewpoints, your community is not providing you a sense of trust and safety. If you find yourself panicking around people with different world views than your own (I once had a meltdown when a friend of a friend casually used the word “ret*rded”), your community is not giving you the tools to survive in the real world. These group dynamics wear you down, make you compliant, erode your resilience, and create dependence on the community. Within the group, you feel a false sense of security. To people on the outside though, you appear erratic and unpredictable. 

If you have a transitioning family member who behaves in this way, I think it is likely this is what they are experiencing. They might genuinely believe they are in danger if the people around them don’t agree with their every thought or choice. They might get defensive and angry if anything they believe is even gently questioned. They might have bizarre interpretations of any counter arguments you propose. They might respond with thought-terminating clichés to calm the stress of cognitive dissonance. Overall, it’s very hard to get through to them. So how do you even start? 

I have three propositions. First, concentrate on what you can control. When the world feels like it is falling apart around you, this is what is going to keep you grounded. Second, make sure that you protect yourself by setting good boundaries. This coincides with what you personally control and requires an understanding of the difference between setting healthy boundaries and being manipulative. Finally, work at creating a relationship with your family member that fosters security, trust, and resilience. You will need this in place before you can challenge a person’s deeply-held views. 

Control 

To me, this is about knowing what we are responsible for and what we are not. If you’re a parent or guardian of a minor, your responsibility will be different than with someone over the age of 18. Similarly, what your child or family member is personally responsible for changes after they become young adults. 

Choosing transition is an exercise of one’s autonomy. I wouldn’t be surprised if every person who pursues transition is/was having difficulty dealing with some kind of loss of control or feeling of helplessness in their lives. It could be some kind of mental illness, a disability, or just a set of circumstances in which they feel like they are stuck with nowhere to go. Minors are usually well and truly stuck where they are until they become of age, which is why it’s not uncommon for the teenage years to be particularly rebellious.  

You can control your own behavior. You can control what you choose to say to other people. You can control your own reactions to situations. You can control decisions that you make for yourself. If you have custody of a minor, you can control their decisions to some degree. This is where it gets complicated. The older someone gets, the more capable they are of participating in decisions about their own lives. Ideally, decisions made about others will involve their input, but parents often have to make unilateral decisions on behalf of their children.  

You can’t control what other people think or say. You can’t control how other people behave. You generally can’t control the circumstances you find yourself in. You can’t control society or government policy or the weather. You can’t control other people’s beliefs and ideas. You can try to persuade them, but it’s often pointless if you don’t have a solid foundation with them first. You can also control what kind of boundaries you set. 

(Suggested resources: I found quotes from the Stoics—Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, Epictetus—to be inspiring and helpful when thinking about what I can and cannot control. There’s also a therapeutic skill called “radical acceptance” that ties in nicely.) 

Boundaries 

Understanding what you are able to control is helpful in determining how to set healthy boundaries. You can only set boundaries for yourself; you cannot set boundaries for other people. For example, perhaps you have an acquaintance who uses language that you find offensive—ultimately, you cannot control what language they use. What you can control, however is whether you decide to walk away. You can also request that they use different language around you. If they don’t stop, your only other option is to stop speaking to them. In my opinion, cutting someone off entirely should really be a last resort; start with smaller steps, such as leaving a conversation when it becomes uncomfortable. 

This can get very tricky, because some people don’t seem to know the difference between setting a boundary for themselves and making ultimatums in order to control someone’s behavior. Also, if someone is devoted to a particular ideology, they may choose to walk away too early. When you set a boundary, you should be doing so to preserve your own health and well-being. You can block someone on social media, but asking other people to also block that person (or face consequences) is not setting a boundary. Again, you can’t set boundaries for other people. Remember what you can control and what you can’t.  

One situation that comes up a lot when someone transitioning is involved is the use of names and pronouns. This will be difficult to hear, but an adult has every right to set a boundary of “if you don’t respect my name and pronouns, I cannot have a relationship with you.” To them, it’s something they personally feel is necessary for their well-being. They may well be wrong, but again, their beliefs are not something that you can control. The problem, of course, is that honoring their request may clash with your own beliefs, and you also shouldn’t have to compromise on that.  

I think there are a couple of routes you can go. You can be honest with how you feel and ask if there is a compromise to be made. (Maybe you can use a nickname for them? My friend’s dad called him by his first initial.) You can avoid the use of gendered language around them (e.g., “child” instead of “son” or “daughter”). You can use the language they request if it feels like the only way to save the relationship. Or you can refuse on principle and whatever happens, happens. It’s certainly not an easy situation to navigate, and I don’t envy those having to do so. (In case you were wondering, my parents went all in. My experience certainly won’t be true for everyone, but to be quite honest, when I started having doubts about my transition, continuing to get birthday and Christmas cards that explicitly referred to me as my parents’ “son” started to make me cringe internally.) 

The infamous “if you don’t let me transition, I will kill myself” is not an example of setting a boundary. Remember: the purpose of a boundary is self-care. Threatening to hurt oneself is not a self-care practice.  

Asking others to do things for you outside of showing respect is generally not appropriate boundary setting either. People can’t set boundaries where, for example, if you don’t lend them money, or drive them somewhere, or do some kind of favor for them, they’ll stop speaking to you. Those aren’t obligations in a relationship, and they cannot force you to do such things.  

(Suggested resources: “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Tawwab is a full breakdown of different kinds of relationships and styles of boundaries. The author’s Instagram and Facebook pages also have a lot of gems.)  

Relationships and Attachment 

There’s a theory about childhood and the formation of relationships called “attachment theory.” As infants, we start to bond with our caregivers and, based around this very first relationship that forms, we are said to form an “attachment style.” How responsive the caregiver is to the child’s needs influences this. Depending on who you ask, there are three or four different attachment styles, but the healthiest (and most common) outcome is secure attachment. The child is upset when separated from their caregivers, but trusts that they aren’t being abandoned; the child is happy when their caregivers return; and the child turns to their caregivers for reassurance when they feel scared. Our attachment style affects the relationships that we form for the rest of our lives. 

From the outside, it seems that many people who transition do not have secure attachment styles. Alternatively, though, if they're adolescents, they might simply be going through a regular old individuation process wherein creating a personal identity and differentiating themselves from their caregivers is totally normal. Either way, I think that looking at the process of "healing attachment wounds" might be helpful.  

Relationships are a two-way street. We can’t force people into having relationships with us. Concentrate on what you can do on your own and create an environment where a healthy relationship is available to them if they seek it out. The idea is to create an atmosphere of security and safety that they can always return to and, like many parenting styles, to model what you want to see from them.  

An adult with a secure attachment style feels safe in most of their relationships. They aren’t clingy or preoccupied with being rejected. They don’t avoid confrontation or difficult conversations. They aren’t afraid to ask for what they need and generally trust that their needs will be met. They are able to regulate their emotions. Their relationships are generally warm and loving rather than chaotic and unpredictable.  

If you feel like you’ve overreacted or you’ve said something that you no longer agree with, take responsibility for that and apologize. Many parents don’t apologize to their kids, but doing so shows a certain amount of vulnerability. It lets them know you are only human and capable of being wrong. (It also suggests that they can be vulnerable with you and express when they have been wrong in return.) Respect the boundaries they set, if they’re being reasonable. Don’t invade their privacy, or you will lose their trust. Listen to them without judgement. Show interest in things that they’re interested in. Spend quality time with them. 

Convey that you will always be available (if there’s mutual respect); that you will help them with whatever they need (when it’s feasible); and that you are capable of being trusted. When someone can come to you without fear of being rejected, knowing that they can say (almost) anything without losing you, understanding that they will receive reassurance where necessary, and come away feeling like they have been heard and valued for who they are... that’s what secure attachment looks like. They may just end up realizing that their “community” does not offer this kind of unconditional love. 

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I’m worried about sounding condescending, and I hope I don't! It’s easy to become caught up in whatever feels like it’s going wrong instead of concentrating on what can be worked on in the meanwhile. Transition throws a lot of wrenches into the situation. (e.g., How can you make someone feel valued for who they are, if you disagree on who they are? How do you honor your own beliefs while still conveying respect?) It might be better to avoid the topics of gender and transition where possible until there is a strong foundation in place.  

I have no doubt that every parent who reads PITT cares deeply about their children. You’re each walking a very difficult path. You’ll all make different choices about how to engage with your child. You’re each doing the very best that you know how to do.  

It’s difficult to offer universal advice. Rather than see this as an instruction manual, I hope that you take the parts that resonate with you and use those parts as guides to help you keep moving forward.

For more from this author, check out somenuanceplease.substack.com