Estrangement Survey: Managing Your Response to a No-Contact Minor or Adult Child
Estrangement Survey: Managing Your Response to a No-Contact Minor or Adult Child
Some PITT families face the hard experience of having children cut-off contact with them, either through the lost custody, emancipation, or runaway of a minor or the estrangement of an adult. A runaway minor should immediately trigger a police response, but losing contact with a family member, no matter what their age, can cause grief, terror, shock, anxiety, and distress. PITT is putting together resources for families going through this and would appreciate hearing from family members of estranged or formerly estranged children and from therapists who've worked in the context of family estrangement.
Thank you for participating. This survey is completely anonymous and confidential. Your email address is not being recorded, and our only way of responding to any of your comments is if you choose to include your email address with them.
If you are a therapist or are estranged from your child or family member, please take the survey here. Look for Pitt surveys and parent resource libraries in 2023.
Here are some existing sources to help with your estrangement.
https://genderdysphoriasupportnetwork.com/ They have groups just for parents of estranged children.
https://www.advocatesprotectingchildren.org/post/surviving-the-holidays-with-a-transgender-identified-child
https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/estranged-from-your-adult-child-5-things-you-can-do/
https://sixtyandme.com/how-to-deal-with-having-an-estranged-adult-child/
https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/family-estrangement-6-ways-to-reconcile-with-adult-children/
https://bethbruno2015.medium.com/how-to-survive-the-holidays-when-you-are-estranged-from-your-child-3dbbea988c89
I am estranged from both my parents. I am in my early 40s and they are in their 70s. I have been estranged from them for around 4-5 years now.
My main core reason why I went no contact with both of them was because neither of them show any remorse towards their actions that damaged and traumatised me as a child, a teen and as an adult. Remorse meaning: they realised that their actions were the wrong choice to take, can even shed light on why but never use it as an excuse, and thusly, now feel genuinely deeply sorry about those actions, for never acknowledging them before me saying they needed to, and ultimately for for the pain and suffering it has caused me, plus the amount I've spent on therapy to try and heal from it.
I confronted my father about his sexual abuse of me as a child, his face did not change from a blank expression. Not even a reddening of his eyes. Nothing. He did not apologise. He did not show one ounce of remorse. He actually said that he didn't believe there was anything wrong with what he did at all. It was utterly chilling and still is to this day.
My mother on the other hand is a smothering, histrionic, engulfing narcissist. She put the attention of men before the safety of her daughters for our entire lives. Then poured her own miseries over us daily for decades, and particularly all over me as I was the youngest, so I had no way to escape.
If you've never heard of 'covert incest' - look it up. That's my parents.
Whenever I have tried to confront my mother about it, she screams and wails and slams her fists on the table lying with such intensity that anyone would believe her, but I've checked up on her claims and they're all fabricated to make her look better.
She cannot and will not take responsibility for not keeping me safe. She will never say sorry, let alone truly feel it and mean it deep in her soul. This is why I cannot allow her in my life, or my father. She makes out that she misses me but she doesn't even know or care about me, she just misses her little puppet that used to idolise her and follow her blindly.
I've done a lot of psychotherapy and inner child work to heal from all of it, my heart still searches late at night when I can't sleep for the comforting resting place of a loving mother, but I know that she doesn't exist (nor does my father) and to ever get back in contact with them always sends me hurtling so far backwards in therapy sessions it's beyond devastating to claw back from.
So... yeah. Some of those 'helpful' articles mentioned in this post, they aren't written well at all.
The hardest part of estrangement is knowing my parents are both alive but nothing in this world will make them safe for me to go anywhere near.
Also when they die, I will go through another whole world of pain and suffering, because it's never a choice to estrange oneself from one's parents. I will mourn the parents I never got to have. The parents I should have had. Parents that give unconditional love. Instead of parents that taught me that one could only ever earn love through suffering. I was forced to leave them, so I could finally be able to live a healthy life.
By the way, I was and am a great kid. I was nominated for scholarships in my final year of high school, I got a degree from university, I've worked and travelled all over the world, I'm easy going, warm, down to earth, caring, creative and musical. I really want awesome parents. But I didn't get them, so they don't get to have their awesome daughter either. My mental health must come first.
Note: My heart goes out to all the parents that have lost their kids to the trans cult, that's a whole other world of pain.
Dearest PITT, I hope I understand the signing in issue. I am not real savvy about this stuff. You have been a God sent resource to me since I found you. I am Indio. I am a 80-year-old mother, grandmother and great grandmother. Currently, 3 of my beloved grandchildren identify as transgender to my utter horror, dismay and grief, as they have abandoned me taking with them my 3 great grandchildren. I have never had words with them, never railed at them, never preached at them; but I did have financial differences with their Dad, my son. He decided going on 5 years ago to stop speaking to me, as a result and they just followed suit. Assuming what? So here I am. I thank God, that I have my other son and daughter in law, whose family has not rejected me. But I grieve for my lost grandchildren and great grandchildren. The idea that the grandchildren my late husband and I helped to raise, are trapped in this horrible cult is hard to understand. However, I have my faith in Jesus Christ, and He sustains me every day of my life. Knowing that you dear folks are out there, knowing what is actually happening, going through it also, and us helping each other, makes it all worthwhile. I will never stop talking about what has happened to my family, I will vote, I will contribute, I will volunteer, I will PRAY. Thank you, please continue to be here. We are in this together. I thank God for you.