Excitement at Gender Elementary

Gender test results are in. There is exciting news at Gender Elementary, located somewhere in California (or any of 20+ other U.S. states and some countries). Everyone in Ms. Transy’s second grade classroom is eagerly awaiting the morning announcements.

“Class, class, calm down. I have some gender announcements this morning. Everyone here took a special gender test, and everyone has also been observed on the playground and the results are in! Johnny, you are really a girl and will now go by the name of Janie. Mark, you are also a girl and will go by the name of Melinda. Finally, Mary, you are a boy and will go by Mike. These three kids join our growing list of trans kids! I know you have questions, but please save them until I’m done with formal announcements. Janie, Melinda, Mike, please report to the school nurse after class for some very special treatments. Remember everyone, we must keep these new names secret from all parents! Telling parents secrets is called ‘outing’ and is not allowed here at Gender Elementary. More on that later.”

“We also have news about our library! Thanks to the overturning of so-called “book bans”, some old favorites are returning to the shelves. We are now restocking ‘Fun with Matches’, ‘Fly Like Peter Pan’, and the very inspiring, ‘Play Doctor with Mommy’s Medicines’. Plus, we have a new book on gender, the recently published ‘Gender Dementor’. This book features a cuddly dementor from the Harry Potter world who explores questions like ‘Am I a boy?’, ‘Am I a girl?’ and ‘Or am I a foul, genderless creature who drains happiness and joy from everyone around me?’ It’s sure to become a bedtime favorite!”

“Thanks to Governor Newsom signing AB-1955 in California, our school is not required to tell the parents of our new trans boys and girls that they have changed gender! To help with that, we’re having a special school-wide assembly with a special guest from the local gender clinic. The speaker will give a special lecture on ‘How to Lie to Your Parents’. Here in California, we consider keeping secrets from and lying to your parents to be important life skills that need to be taught at an early age and reinforced at every grade level.”

“The meeting location for the lunchtime group, ‘Trans Club’ has been changed due to a scheduling conflict. As part of our Gender Education series, a pharmaceutical rep is giving a special talk to all 5th grade girls, ‘The Horrors of Puberty - Puberty Blockers to the Rescue’. At the same time a local surgeon is giving a talk to all 5th grade boys, ‘Gender Magic with My Help’. Due to these conflicts, the Trans Club will meet in the school gymnasium. Note that attendance is required for all trans kids. When you arrive at the meeting, be sure to write your name and gender on the attendance sheet. I’ll be there so if you forget what your gender is, I have the master list of 72 different genders, along with the one assigned to you.”

“Questions? Yes, Johnny, I mean, Janie. You think you're still a boy? You want your mommy? You know the rules. On your gender test, you indicated that you sometimes like to play with dolls, AND you were seen playing with girls on the playground, so you know what that means: You're a girl! - Deal with it. Next question. Yes, Mike. Do you need parents to sign a form before visiting the school nurse for your special treatment? Of course not! Haven’t you been listening? Never tell your parents this special secret, though you can tell everybody else. Yes, Melinda. You want to go by Mary instead of Melinda? Well, the old Mary is now Mike, so that would cause too much confusion. You will be Melinda from now on. One final question. Yes, Sarah. You think you’re a cat? No, you’re not a cat. Kids, please don’t make things up! Here at Gender Elementary, we teach only reality.”

“That’s the end of morning announcements. Everyone get out a piece of paper and write the following sentence 10 times: ‘I am free to be a boy or a girl or both’.”

At the end of the school day, Ms. Transy (formerly Mr. Transy), smiled and thought how wonderful it was that so many kids would grow up to be just like her. She would be sure to write a thank-you note to Governor Newsom for his support of gender ideology and for allowing her to actively recruit children to identify as trans. Teaching can be so rewarding!