Omg - the books, the antidepressants, the idea of getting another dog - I can relate to all these desperate distractions. Nothing makes it better. But we have to try to save ourselves, don’t we? Stay strong.
I don’t think the pain ever goes away, but the intensity wanes and stops being a constant presence. It gets easier to breathe again, but it all rushes back in waves at the most inopportune times. I feel fortunate to have such a stoic and supportive partner. He helps me keep my head above water, keeps me from drowning in it all.
I clung to every word. The pain of loss you both feel is so cruel and so sad. You are not alone in how you feel - the authors of these PITT stories understand. The difference is we each deal with our loss in our own unique way. Some of us have better coping skills. Some of us have more outlets and distractions. Some of us lean on God. I only know how I dealt with my own loss. my own pain. I hope you write again, as you have an amazing talent, a gift of showing us as you tell us about your loss. I felt it. I am also supporting you and sending you prayers and moral support. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
Powerful…and excruciatingly timely. After years of mental health struggles and on-again-off-again no contact from her, our 21- year-old daughter has disappeared. Left an envelope with the keys and a note 2 weeks ago for her sister who is (was) also her roommate. The note said, “Don’t try to find me.”
Her father and I just found out today. She herself is not trans but has been groomed by very close relatives - who are a hardcore trans family- for years. She exhibits many of the same comorbidities as her surgically- altered, hormone-taking same-age trans cousin.
It is the unfathomable pain and grief of the parents caught in this horrific “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” nightmare / reality that animates me to push back. My best friend is estranged from a son who suddenly announced a “trans identity” at 19 during the pandemic. My friend described the moment the counsellor used the “dead son or living daughter” threat on her; the escalating demands of a boy who had myriad comorbid issues that were not being addressed by the “counsellors” and “doctors”; and the abrupt, years-long and continuing silence after this clearly disregulated young man claimed a need for “space” when my friend refused to use female pronouns to refer to him. I extrapolated to understand there were thousands of families being blown apart by this horrible lie that humans can “change their body to better align with their chosen gender.”
I have been shouting at the wind here in Canada. I honestly believe that in families locally who are made up of GenX parents with GenZ kids, 90% of the kids are medicated for emotional regulation issues, including depression, anxiety, ADHD, bipolar, and “trans.” Yes, I see “trans” as a delusional state, a mental illness. Not to be affirmed, not to be celebrated. And not to be medicated. To be remedied the way we remedy any other body dysmorphia: by encouraging self-acceptance, healthy limits, and reality.
This is exactly what gets parents called “hateful bigots.” For encouraging their emotionally disregulated kids to accept themselves, accept the limits, accept reality.
The loss of the child through estrangement is seen as an apt “punishment” by the heartless “allies” and institutions that mindlessly “affirm” the “trans identity.”
I am so sorry you are in this situation. Arguably it is seeming to me worse than experiencing the death of a child. A torture of incredible proportions, exacerbated by social ostracization and betrayals by family and friends.
I grieve with you all. No loving parent deserves this torture.
It is an indescribable, haunting grief with which the enemy of our souls wants to crush us. We must make every effort to not give him the satisfaction, God's grace helping. I imagine more people believe Satan and evil are real now they've been touched so closely by them. And I pray more people seek God in this darkness and find Him. Sooner or later, He will triumph over this evil, and through Him, we will, too.
Satan is the slaughterer. How does he slay? He works to confuse people, to make them think that doing evil is doing good. So he paints evil a different color. He makes the sin seem virtuous, and says to you he offers hope. He says “I offer you a living daughter, in place of a dead son.”
This is beautifully written and gut wrenching. I am lucky that I have a sort of superficial relationship with my son after a 2 year estrangement. It is a horrible place to be and it took me to the verge of a place I never thought I would entertain. My son will never know how excruciating that time was. He is still entrenched in the trans identity but at least I get to see him. I don’t say a word about my feelings regarding the trans thing because I can’t bear to lose him again. I am so sorry for your situation and I pray that things change very soon. I understand your pain.
I don’t affirm, but I don’t try to change his mind either. It’s difficult to see his changes but I still see my son in there. I call him he and by his name. When he asks me about his new nail polish, I just say something neutral, like “that would be a cool color on a car” I do tiptoe, but he doesn’t live with me. If he asked to move in I would have to have that difficult talk regarding my beliefs again, and that’s how I lost him. I feel like I am in limbo but it’s the best I have for now.
My son, deep into his charade for four years, would not allow that. I just avoid his name and a pronoun, which makes for an even more awkward meeting -- very sporadic, but like you, I do not want to be estranged if I can at all sidestep this level of pain.
Thank you for your reply. There are a lot of parents who are estranged, not because we want to be but because we aren't believers and want only the best for our kids. For my sons, there is absolutely nothing but affirmation. No discussion on what trans is at all. Parents are in a difficult situation. That's a great creative answer for the nail polish. I wish you all the best and that your son detransitions soon.
Heart wrenching
Omg - the books, the antidepressants, the idea of getting another dog - I can relate to all these desperate distractions. Nothing makes it better. But we have to try to save ourselves, don’t we? Stay strong.
My daughter has been no-contact for three years. I was reading my Bible tonight and came across these words from Jesus in Mark 11:24
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
I am going to choose faith, and I am going to believe that my daughter will come back to us. He will keep His promise.
I don’t think the pain ever goes away, but the intensity wanes and stops being a constant presence. It gets easier to breathe again, but it all rushes back in waves at the most inopportune times. I feel fortunate to have such a stoic and supportive partner. He helps me keep my head above water, keeps me from drowning in it all.
So sad that the most commonly believed narrative is that parents are the ones to create the no contact situations.
I clung to every word. The pain of loss you both feel is so cruel and so sad. You are not alone in how you feel - the authors of these PITT stories understand. The difference is we each deal with our loss in our own unique way. Some of us have better coping skills. Some of us have more outlets and distractions. Some of us lean on God. I only know how I dealt with my own loss. my own pain. I hope you write again, as you have an amazing talent, a gift of showing us as you tell us about your loss. I felt it. I am also supporting you and sending you prayers and moral support. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
Powerful…and excruciatingly timely. After years of mental health struggles and on-again-off-again no contact from her, our 21- year-old daughter has disappeared. Left an envelope with the keys and a note 2 weeks ago for her sister who is (was) also her roommate. The note said, “Don’t try to find me.”
Her father and I just found out today. She herself is not trans but has been groomed by very close relatives - who are a hardcore trans family- for years. She exhibits many of the same comorbidities as her surgically- altered, hormone-taking same-age trans cousin.
I’m so sorry. Praying that she will come back to you.
Thank you 💕 If you are part of this club too, my heart goes out to you as well.
It is the unfathomable pain and grief of the parents caught in this horrific “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” nightmare / reality that animates me to push back. My best friend is estranged from a son who suddenly announced a “trans identity” at 19 during the pandemic. My friend described the moment the counsellor used the “dead son or living daughter” threat on her; the escalating demands of a boy who had myriad comorbid issues that were not being addressed by the “counsellors” and “doctors”; and the abrupt, years-long and continuing silence after this clearly disregulated young man claimed a need for “space” when my friend refused to use female pronouns to refer to him. I extrapolated to understand there were thousands of families being blown apart by this horrible lie that humans can “change their body to better align with their chosen gender.”
I have been shouting at the wind here in Canada. I honestly believe that in families locally who are made up of GenX parents with GenZ kids, 90% of the kids are medicated for emotional regulation issues, including depression, anxiety, ADHD, bipolar, and “trans.” Yes, I see “trans” as a delusional state, a mental illness. Not to be affirmed, not to be celebrated. And not to be medicated. To be remedied the way we remedy any other body dysmorphia: by encouraging self-acceptance, healthy limits, and reality.
This is exactly what gets parents called “hateful bigots.” For encouraging their emotionally disregulated kids to accept themselves, accept the limits, accept reality.
The loss of the child through estrangement is seen as an apt “punishment” by the heartless “allies” and institutions that mindlessly “affirm” the “trans identity.”
I am so sorry you are in this situation. Arguably it is seeming to me worse than experiencing the death of a child. A torture of incredible proportions, exacerbated by social ostracization and betrayals by family and friends.
I grieve with you all. No loving parent deserves this torture.
It is an indescribable, haunting grief with which the enemy of our souls wants to crush us. We must make every effort to not give him the satisfaction, God's grace helping. I imagine more people believe Satan and evil are real now they've been touched so closely by them. And I pray more people seek God in this darkness and find Him. Sooner or later, He will triumph over this evil, and through Him, we will, too.
Satan is the slaughterer. How does he slay? He works to confuse people, to make them think that doing evil is doing good. So he paints evil a different color. He makes the sin seem virtuous, and says to you he offers hope. He says “I offer you a living daughter, in place of a dead son.”
This is beautifully written and gut wrenching. I am lucky that I have a sort of superficial relationship with my son after a 2 year estrangement. It is a horrible place to be and it took me to the verge of a place I never thought I would entertain. My son will never know how excruciating that time was. He is still entrenched in the trans identity but at least I get to see him. I don’t say a word about my feelings regarding the trans thing because I can’t bear to lose him again. I am so sorry for your situation and I pray that things change very soon. I understand your pain.
How did he come back? Do you have to affirm?
I don’t affirm, but I don’t try to change his mind either. It’s difficult to see his changes but I still see my son in there. I call him he and by his name. When he asks me about his new nail polish, I just say something neutral, like “that would be a cool color on a car” I do tiptoe, but he doesn’t live with me. If he asked to move in I would have to have that difficult talk regarding my beliefs again, and that’s how I lost him. I feel like I am in limbo but it’s the best I have for now.
He lets you call him "he" and his birth male name??
Yes…. So far yes he does.
My son, deep into his charade for four years, would not allow that. I just avoid his name and a pronoun, which makes for an even more awkward meeting -- very sporadic, but like you, I do not want to be estranged if I can at all sidestep this level of pain.
Thank you for your reply. There are a lot of parents who are estranged, not because we want to be but because we aren't believers and want only the best for our kids. For my sons, there is absolutely nothing but affirmation. No discussion on what trans is at all. Parents are in a difficult situation. That's a great creative answer for the nail polish. I wish you all the best and that your son detransitions soon.
I’m so sorry you are going through this with not just one but two children. I pray that your sons detransion soon as well. You’re in my thoughts.
You are a talented writer. So sorry for your pain. (I hate trans ideology so much. I never hated anything in my life like this).
Real
Beautifully written. I encourage the author to publish this piece outside of PITT.
You are indeed not alone in this sad country of family estrangements.
Another resource for family estrangements:
Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties & How to Heal the Conflict
by Joshua Coleman PhD (Author)