Finding Eternity

On Transition, Desistance, and Faith

Every morning, I rise and cross myself before a crucifix. I then bow eastward, forehead to the ground, as I thank God for another day. I am a desister and a fledgling Christian. For me, one cannot be understood without the other. Three years ago, I realized with deep sadness that I would never be male, a story I detailed a few months ago in the piece Learning From Lies. Since Lies, I have had more time to reflect on the growing number of detransitioners. In that, I have come to realize that there is an inherently spiritual dimension to the transgender movement.

Whether you are a zealot, atheist, or something in between, this piece is for you. As a PITT reader, you have likely been affected by transgenderism in some way. I hope to shed light on an often overlooked aspect of this movement and its captives—one that may become increasingly relevant in the upcoming years in the wake of gradually changing social attitudes and the burgeoning Christian revival.

First off, we must begin with the elephant in the room: we do not live in an inherently spiritual society. We’re too cynical for it. Today, only the mind and body are acknowledged as true. They are seen as vehicles for work & pleasure, while the soul is scoffed at as a metaphorical concept. This mindset has done more harm than good because humans are inherently spiritual beings. This is why it depresses us to think there is no point or meaning to anything. It is dehumanizing to believe we are nothing more than atoms waiting to die. Society has a crisis of being, and it is most clearly manifested in transgenderism.

Humans were made to worship. Detaching our lives from concrete meaning is extremely unnatural. We cannot live fully this way. We know deep down that we were made to serve—to cling to something that we shape our entire lives around. All humans need a god. Through the Christian lens, there is no better deity to worship than Yahweh: the indescribable, unconquerable God of gods who made the universe, including humanity—whom He made fearfully and wonderfully; gifted free will to out of Love; sanctified & rescued from the snares of demons by humbling Himself to live as a man, learning our ways and feeling everything we feel from peaceful birth to violent death, the latter of which He overcame to alter reality to bring us as His children profoundly closer to Him. Essentially, Christianity tells us it’s best to cling to the Source that made us. We find godhood in God. But when we do not worship this Source, we must settle for something else. In a society that cringes at the mere mention of God, we turn to worship the unfinished god, which is Man. We worship inventions, ideas, ourselves, and others.

But how can we truly worship ourselves when we are so flawed? We all know we are flawed and so do our best to compensate, in a variety of ways. In a way, self-worship can be seen as a desperate attempt to hide one’s insecurities and shame behind a mask that often succeeds in fooling no one but ourselves. Unfortunately, many do not understand the harms of self-idolatry, which are self-alienation and dehumanization as we begin to judge ourselves only by our flaws and the illusions we use to hide them. We stray further from the Truth, which is what we truly want. Even the vainest only want something to anchor them to reality. But in their search, have gotten lost and are now struggling to find an answer.

Transgenderism is perhaps among, if not, the most destructive form of chronic self-worship. It is the result of trying to fill the God-shaped hole in our hearts in a society that has long turned its back on Him. It is the result of generations never knowing that “it is He that hath made us, and not we ourselves” (Ps. 100). So, in our blindness, sorrow, and fear, we attempt to fashion ourselves in our image. Transgenderism is the pinnacle of this spiritual crisis. The trans movement has more spiritual overtones than that of other dysphoric worlds, such as those for plastic surgery or anorexia. This is true even for trans-identified atheists.

Many ideas found in the trans movement are direct inversions or misinterpretations of the teachings & interests of God. Take the idea of a “gendered soul,” the belief that our true gender lies in the spirit rather than the body. This not only admits the existence of a spiritual realm but also a misunderstanding of the relationship between mind-body-soul. Many who believe in the gendered soul theory say their bodies are “shameful” (best hidden behind hoodies) and only the spirit matters. This is in contrast to the Christian idea of the body being holy, as it is animated by the soul which is the temple of the Holy Spirit.

There is also the trans idea that it is possible to transcend sex as a form of achieving the highest truth, a direct miscommunication of St. Paul’s teaching that in God “there is no male or female.” (Gal. 3:28)

These misunderstandings and warped ideas are reflected, further still, via “queer” art, music, and writings. Transgenderism seems to have an obsession with demons, tarot, and religion. I have also seen the extensive body of art & writings depicting angels in anguished states of disgrace—detached from both the world and God—with disfigured bodies and tired expressions. Whether these trans artists relate to the idea of broken angels consciously or not is unknown. Ultimately, in transgenderism, Christianity is used as both a symbol of pain and comfort. Even in a state of rebellion, man longs for Eden.

This is not a fixation that arises post-trans identification, but rather long before. Many LGBT people admit they’ve been fans of mythology, theology, philosophy, and all things existential since childhood. Subconsciously, they know their minds were made to operate in the unseen world, despite society’s insistence that the divine doesn’t truly matter. However, spiritual curiosity is a fragile thing that must be tended to and fostered correctly. The wrong teachings or advice can create years of damage and confusion that are difficult to undo.

Transgenderism creates and adds to this confusion. People are told to suppress their genuine yearning for God, and instead see Him as a caricature of wrath or outdated, patriarchal ideals. Spiritual curiosity is dismissed as fanciful and reliance on God as demeaning. Conversely, some circles attempt to do the opposite: that is, claim Yahweh wants us to be proudly LGBT. Another misstep. Both extremes are born from mis- and disinformation, in order to avoid processing one’s emotions and tackling one’s pain, insecurities, and trauma head-on. It’s easier to fool oneself instead and seek pleasure.

But seeking constant gratification eventually leads to regret. Hedonism, after all, is said to be the oldest philosophy that kills you the fastest. This is true, especially in a world that says nothing really matters. But our actions do matter. They have an impact on us, our family, on society, and God. Alive or dead, we matter. For the trans-identified, this realization leads to more than regret. It leads to feelings of betrayal, sorrow, embarrassment, guilt, confusion, disillusionment, and anger. Eventually, this leads to questioning the trans movement, being outcasted by its members, and starting a slow, grueling walk back to reality.

Desistance, let alone detransition, is no easy feat. It requires utterly destroying one’s identity and then rebuilding it from the ground up. Your mind—once in a state of limbo while you were trans—now must adapt to a world that feels like it’s passed you by. You must refamiliarize yourself with your body and voice, regardless of whether you took hormones or got surgeries. You have to learn how to dress, speak, socialize, and even think all over again. You’re older, wearier, with wisdom you’re not sure you even want.

The disillusionment-to-desistance pipeline is an overwhelming one. It’s filled with doubt, insecurity, self-blame, and fear. But what remains, through all of it, is the divine—the one constant that has long been a fascination, strained or otherwise. That being said, is it really that surprising when a detransitioner or desister turns to God?

Transition and—for those of us lucky enough to have survived—desistance are profoundly spiritual events that alter a person’s psyche. Though the stats don’t exist, I would go out on a limb to say that, even if they aren’t professing Christ, spiritually incurious detransitioners are rare.

This is why I find it somewhat tone-deaf when even well-meaning writers suggest a God-loving detransitioner or desister is somehow dangerous. They say we’ve gone from “one extreme to the other.” This claim of ideological extremism is one I’ve seen thrown particularly at same-sex attracted detransitioners, under the guise that following traditional Christianity is a form of anti-gay self-harm. I myself, a same-sex attracted desister, have been told this more than once by people across the political spectrum.

Though these claims are misinformed, I understand where they come from. Unfortunately, for many people alive today—regardless of who they are—their earliest exposure to religion was extremism and/or some form of religious trauma. For some of us, this was our only exposure. No child deserves to be raised believing there is something fundamentally wrong with them, that God does not love them, or that His people only want to use them. Due to the intentional and unintentional failings of those meant to protect and teach us, many people today prefer to be spiritually incurious. So to see formerly LGBT people—who were meant to signify liberalism and an escape from hyper-restrictive codes—run to traditional Christianity can be shocking.

Regardless of your beliefs, understand that those healing from transgenderism need all the help they can get. If a desister or detransitioner finds joy in God seemingly out of the blue, it’s something to be understood rather than instantly condemned. (Yes, even if they are “ex-gay.”)

If you have a loved one who is trans, detrans, or somewhere in between and they are interested in theology, mythology, spirituality, science, philosophy, or other ideas about God & reality, maybe it’s a good idea to encourage an exploration of these ideas (so long as it’s done constructively). Even though you may not see immediate results, perhaps it’ll help to nudge your loved one’s focus toward the one thing they’ve always wanted: Truth. For myself, it was the exploration of these things that kept me alive. Now as a desister, I’ve gradually begun to see my life as a woman as an opportunity rather than a burden.

And for those who are seeking God or are having a crisis of faith in this battle against transgenderism—however that may be—know I and many others are praying for you. In this life, we all must bear our crosses. This is yours. But in the Lord, your tears will not be in vain. Scream, cry, wrestle, and mourn, for even Christ did these things. But we must remain steadfast. Through our humility, patience, and determination, God will reveal how best to grow in spite of—or rather, because of—our sufferings. Like our King, let us strive to overcome the ways of this world, look to the cross, and find victory over chaos & death.

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