Flag waving mom

My dearest son,

Please forgive me. I’m sorry for not being who you wanted me to be. I couldn’t be the mom who happily cheered on your transition and proudly waved the trans flag and marched in pride parades like some of your friends’ parents. I know that’s what you wanted at the time, but I had to also be true to you and to myself.

I’m sorry for how I reacted when you first told us you were “trans”. I know it hurt you. I was irritated and angry, assuming you got this idea from the internet. I wasn’t wrong. I should have lovingly listened and told you I was there for you no matter what and we would figure this out as a family. I made the mistake of thinking our bond was strong enough. I didn’t realize you would throw yourself into the arms of predators. I had no idea that schools would work against parents and teach you to think of us as abusive. Perhaps we would have had a better outcome. I was so blindsided. I knew nothing. I would never have believed teens were coming out as trans, especially you. It was the furthest thing from my mind.

I miss you terribly. I miss your smile, your cute sense of humor and personality, your adventurousness, and your amazing presence. I wish I could give you a big hug and we could have our nice talks again. I miss hearing you say the word “mom”. I wanted a child desperately. It took me years to get pregnant. You were planned. You were wanted. You were loved. I remember the day you were born, your face telling the world, “Here I am”. I thought you’d do great things. You had so much potential. I’m sorry if I caused any of your distress.

You were an easy child. You were so happy and always a joy. You never even cried. You embraced life. You had so many goals and we tried to help you by introducing you to new and exciting things. I tried to give you the childhood I did not have. Maybe that was a mistake because I spoiled you instead, but you were so cute. I would have done anything for you.

I’m sorry that you were unhappy and lonely and rejected yourself. I didn’t know how to help you. Whatever I did wasn’t what you wanted. You were enough for me, but I wasn’t enough for you. You wanted a flag waving mom. But these moms have harmed you and so many families.