My dearest son,
Please forgive me. I’m sorry for not being who you wanted me to be. I couldn’t be the mom who happily cheered on your transition and proudly waved the trans flag and marched in pride parades like some of your friends’ parents. I know that’s what you wanted at the time, but I had to also be true to you and to myself.
I’m sorry for how I reacted when you first told us you were “trans”. I know it hurt you. I was irritated and angry, assuming you got this idea from the internet. I wasn’t wrong. I should have lovingly listened and told you I was there for you no matter what and we would figure this out as a family. I made the mistake of thinking our bond was strong enough. I didn’t realize you would throw yourself into the arms of predators. I had no idea that schools would work against parents and teach you to think of us as abusive. Perhaps we would have had a better outcome. I was so blindsided. I knew nothing. I would never have believed teens were coming out as trans, especially you. It was the furthest thing from my mind.
I miss you terribly. I miss your smile, your cute sense of humor and personality, your adventurousness, and your amazing presence. I wish I could give you a big hug and we could have our nice talks again. I miss hearing you say the word “mom”. I wanted a child desperately. It took me years to get pregnant. You were planned. You were wanted. You were loved. I remember the day you were born, your face telling the world, “Here I am”. I thought you’d do great things. You had so much potential. I’m sorry if I caused any of your distress.
You were an easy child. You were so happy and always a joy. You never even cried. You embraced life. You had so many goals and we tried to help you by introducing you to new and exciting things. I tried to give you the childhood I did not have. Maybe that was a mistake because I spoiled you instead, but you were so cute. I would have done anything for you.
I’m sorry that you were unhappy and lonely and rejected yourself. I didn’t know how to help you. Whatever I did wasn’t what you wanted. You were enough for me, but I wasn’t enough for you. You wanted a flag waving mom. But these moms have harmed you and so many families.
I suspect many moms (and dads) will resonate with your words. I do. I was blindsided too as we all were. And we aren't to blame. We weren't perfect, no parent is perfect. In "normal" times, this situation would not have occurred. So many families have been hurt by this ideology. I hope it ends soon.
I cried reading this! I am not the Mom my son wanted me to be either. Hormone use has changed him dramatically. The person and family he has grown emotionally dependent upon has helped him totally throw us away. Currently we don't know if he is alive or dead and no way to contact him. I never dreamed he could have so much hate in his heart.