Forever My Boy

Just over 30 years ago, I gave birth to a baby boy. After careful thought, I had a couple of names picked out. After we met him, we gave him the name that fit him best. The love that I felt for this baby boy is impossible to put into words. I loved him more than life itself.

There were ups and downs and many bumps along the way, however, I loved being his mom. I enjoyed raising him and felt so close to him. I loved him and I felt he loved me. We would have long talks, even friendly debates about things we saw differently.

We played basketball together, watched Little Bear, went to the zoo, camping, picnics, bike rides, played games and had countless other special experiences that bonded and connected us. He was my little buddy.

Today, my heart is broken, my life is shattered. My boy is being erased by someone with a girl’s name. This new person has taken his place. “She” is different and not like my son at all. As transition has progressed, my son has faded away and slowly disappeared.

The face has changed; the voice is strange. Who is this person? “She” comes off as self-righteous and condescending. "She" is critical and accusatory. “She” pressures me to believe things I don’t believe and then calls me ignorant when I don’t conform.

Is this normal and healthy? My precious, sweet boy is gone. I feel confused, bewildered, overwhelmed, and a profound sense of loss and grief. In my quiet moments I tell myself that hormones and surgeries can never erase my son from my heart.

HE will always exist there. I will always love HIM. HE matters to me. I miss him.