Forever My Boy
Just over 30 years ago, I gave birth to a baby boy. After careful thought, I had a couple of names picked out. After we met him, we gave him the name that fit him best. The love that I felt for this baby boy is impossible to put into words. I loved him more than life itself.
There were ups and downs and many bumps along the way, however, I loved being his mom. I enjoyed raising him and felt so close to him. I loved him and I felt he loved me. We would have long talks, even friendly debates about things we saw differently.
We played basketball together, watched Little Bear, went to the zoo, camping, picnics, bike rides, played games and had countless other special experiences that bonded and connected us. He was my little buddy.
Today, my heart is broken, my life is shattered. My boy is being erased by someone with a girl’s name. This new person has taken his place. “She” is different and not like my son at all. As transition has progressed, my son has faded away and slowly disappeared.
The face has changed; the voice is strange. Who is this person? “She” comes off as self-righteous and condescending. "She" is critical and accusatory. “She” pressures me to believe things I don’t believe and then calls me ignorant when I don’t conform.
Is this normal and healthy? My precious, sweet boy is gone. I feel confused, bewildered, overwhelmed, and a profound sense of loss and grief. In my quiet moments I tell myself that hormones and surgeries can never erase my son from my heart.
HE will always exist there. I will always love HIM. HE matters to me. I miss him.
Your story deeply touched me because it feels as though I could be sitting beside my wife and hearing us describe our own son. The similarities are incredible, the same conversations, arguments, accusations, expressions, and ways of thinking. Sometimes it feels as though the child we raised, loved, and knew so well is still somewhere inside, but has become hidden beneath a new identity and a belief system that has completely taken over his life.
I am originally from Brazil, and when I was growing up, this was something very different from what we are seeing among young people today. I never imagined that an entire generation would be encouraged to question their bodies, take hormones, undergo permanent physical changes, and believe that changing themselves in this way would bring peace or happiness.
I truly feel your pain. Your words could almost have been written about my own family. The question my wife and I ask ourselves every day is: How do we reach our son again? How do we help him see himself through the eyes he once had? How do we bring him back without pushing him farther away?
At this point, the greatest thing I can do is continue loving him, keep the door open, and place my faith in God. Jesus taught us to pray for what we need and to believe that God hears us. So I continue praying for wisdom, healing, clarity, and restoration for your family, for mine, and for every parent carrying this same grief.
Same for me except I gave birth to a baby girl. Every dimension changed. Our kids were hyjacked.
"The face has changed; the voice is strange. Who is this person? “She” comes off as self-righteous and condescending. "She" is critical and accusatory. “She” pressures me to believe things I don’t believe and then calls me ignorant when I don’t conform."