Gender Shop of Horrors

Hello.  I’m your new gender doctor.  Welcome to our clinic, you poor, unfortunate soul. I understand you identify as trans, and you have chosen your own treatment - gender affirmation.  Thank you for that!  Your self-diagnosis and choice of a specific treatment saves us gender doctors the trouble of having to think. Considering all diagnoses and options for your discomfort and its relief is such a bother.  It’s like we didn’t even need to go to medical school!  I love being a gender doctor!  However, I digress. Before we get started, I have a few questions….

The term “trans” can mean many things.  I assume you mean transgender?  In this new age, there are all different sorts of trans.  There’s also transracial, trans-age, and trans-abled.  Really!  In your self-diagnosis, you may have missed one of these!  Let’s explore.

Is your skin too pale?  Too dark?  Bothered by too many freckles?  If so, you’re transracial!  We can accommodate your new race.  First, you need to address skin color.  Our clinic acquired the old auto body shop next door and has opened up a new wing where we can spray paint you with any one of 72 different colors!  We find that lead paint is best.  Now, you will have to be painted monthly for the rest of your life, and lead paint is not approved by the FDA for this purpose (just like cross-sex hormones) and has many risk factors (just like cross-sex hormones), so you will need to sign a waiver.  We don’t want any lawsuits.  But skin color is just the beginning.  We have surgeons ready and willing to modify your nose, lips, eyes, ears, and just about anything else so that you can try to pass as a member of your new race.  Think of yourself as malleable as a big piece of clay - our surgeons get it right some of the time. Hey, no one is perfect!  And, in the event someone tells you that you can’t claim to be a member of a different race, well that person is obviously just an uninformed bigot.

Do you envy people parking in handicapped parking spaces?  Or perhaps you’ve never been athletic and it feels like you’re missing a limb?  Congratulations!  You’re transabled!  Our transabled-affirming treatments include amputating healthy limbs, cutting spinal cords and destroying eyesight; really, we can do anything you want!  Our surgeons love these procedures - if a surgeon makes a mistake (happens all the time - just ask transgender patients who’ve had surgeries), the patient is even more disabled than he desired…perfect!

So are you just transgender?  No problem!  Let me guess: You’ve been transgender for a couple of weeks?  Your transgender self-diagnosis explains every muscle ache you’ve had since you were 10?  An internet quiz bot concluded that you’re transgender?  Your friends are transgender?  The gender unicorn spoke to you in a dream?  Whatever - we never judge or even really listen to your reasons.  Listening and thinking requires way too much effort.  We accept everybody!  You should think of us gender doctors more as avant-garde artists and you are a blank canvas!  Actually, many of us gender doctors are also trans.  But we’re not grooming you just to make ourselves feel better….trust us! We are delighted you are here, and now we can experiment - strike that - treat you. We’ve got some new options for you to consider.

First, there is our body part donation program.  You probably want to cut off a couple of body parts, right?  Donate them!  I’m sure someone else transitioning to your birth sex will want them.  Do you need new body parts?  We have a whole bank of body parts.  Pick what you want!  All different skin colors and sizes are available.  Another great option is swapping.  Find a friend who is transitioning to your birth sex and you can both have surgery at the same time and even swap body parts!  It might be awkward if you become romantically involved with that person - their parts would be very familiar, even though the parts wouldn’t really work.  But what fun that would be!

And, of course, we have a large selection of drugs and hormones for your body-experimentation pleasure.  Drugs that treat psychiatric conditions and street drugs like cocaine and fentanyl are so yesterday.  Cross-sex hormones let you grow body parts you never knew you could have!  Are you born male and want breasts?  I just love the sight of new, soft, firm, oh stop me!  Are you born female and want a beard?  No problem!  After these treatments you could be in the circus!  Oops!  I meant to say that you will now be living your true life, or whatever.

What a great time to be trans!  There are so many options!  We gender doctors are here to serve and fulfill our own artistic dreams, and we have no ethics or morals when it comes to mutilating healthy, young bodies like yours.  We’ll make your wildest delusions come true, sort of - just don’t look too closely.  Our scalpels are sharp - we can't wait to get our hands on you!  What drugs and surgeries would you like?