I found picture of you…..
My 20-year-old daughter texted me a picture of herself and her friends today. They were walking on a trail covered in bright autumnal colored leaves, she was slightly looking down and had a faint smile on her face and she looked so beautiful. I took a breath and I zoomed in - and wanted to die.
She has been injecting testosterone for 15 months now and there is no denying it is starting to show. She is now in her third year of college and just a few months before we dropped her off was when we found out she thinks she is trans.
In another world, having a child attending college over 2,000 miles away might seem like she was too far away. But not right now. I am grieving a different distance between us that began when her dad and I refused to call our daughter our son.
There is distance because my husband has to look away in an airport rest room when he sees his daughter washing her hands. There is distance from me not encouraging her to come home for Fall break. There is a distance when I tell her I love her and get silence.
There is also a shattering sadness. I am so sad when I walk into her room, not because she is in college but because all I see is her pain that will remain buried until she comes out of this particular illness. I feel “punched in the gut” sadness when I see her framed pictures - as a flower girl, or as a fairy, or as my tired snow bunny after a day of snowboarding with overtired giggles, her hair in sloppy braids and her cheeks magenta and glowing.
There is a song by The Pretenders that is on a loop in my head recently. The lyrics were written by Chrissie Hynde while she was working through a devastating loss. Maybe that is why it is on a loop in my head. I fear I have lost.
"The powers that be
That force us to live like we do
Bring me to my knees
When I see what they've done to you"
This is my pain as well. My daughter is 21 and this started when she was 18. It literally came out of nowhere. You put into words what I have been struggling to say. I miss my daughter so much. She refuses to speak to any of us because we refuse to call her our son and use her preferred pronouns. She has recently started using testosterone. I am physically sick thinking about it. I also have a son who claims to be trans yet he doesn’t identify as male or female. It’s so confusing and heartbreaking. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare.
I so feel your pain. This was me 13 years ago when our daughter was several hundred miles away in college. She chose this time to 'become trans' because she felt safe - away from her family and all traces of her former life. I'm sure the cult encouraged this. The profound sadness never ends. Its strength has ebbed and flowed through the years of our estrangement, but it will always be with her dad and I. She has 'transitioned' to male with hormones, mutilated her breasts with mastectomy, has estranged herself completely from anyone who did not affirm her, and has 'married' a female, trying to live as a male. She is deluded, but must still be the strong willed female that we knew growing up. I am broken, but at peace with our decision not to affirm. Stay strong, mama. Hold fast to your beliefs. Lies only hurt your loved one more than they are already hurting, as well as yourself.