FAMILY Dear L & B, We did as you requested and read up on trans ideology. We were surprised and honestly horrified to find how little we knew about the harm being done to children and teens in the name of kindness and acceptance. We now understand why you were so upset about S’s claim of being trans, and we hope you’ll accept our apology for the way we undermined you. We will do whatever we can to support your family through this. We realize going along with S’s insistence on being called “he” was a huge mistake and we know we need to walk that back. If we had just taken the time to listen to you, we wouldn’t have made such a mess of things, and we’re sorry. We hope we can talk together about how we can best help prevent harm to S. We’re here for you.
I can't express my incredible regret that I listed your son--the apple of your eye, the only one of your four children you ever wanted or paid attention to, because he was your SON--in your obituary as your daughter.
What could I possibly have been thinking.
I know that you were estranged from your son after he joined a dangerous popular moral panic (for the second time in his life). I know that this shock, coming as it did in your very late 80s, destroyed your will to live and led directly to your death.
And I did absolutely the worst thing I could have done to you: I compounded the damage by refusing to respect your wishes and your lifelong passion for this one male child of your body, the son around whom you lived your entire life.
I told everyone he was your daughter, knowing that there was nothing I could do to hurt your worse--and that, now that you're gone, you couldn't stop me.
I know in your obituary I referred to myself repeatedly as your "beloved/loving wife." But that was a lie. If I had truly loved you, I would never have done such a devastating thing to you.
Your first wife, the mother of your son, doesn't even love you anymore, and still she would never have done that to you.
I am consumed with shame and regret, and I will never forgive myself.
Not enough words to thank you for these amazing letters. Such brave parents. I was thinking about caving to my nephew, but now im questioning that. I want him to be his very best self.
Thank you very much to the author. I have found these letters to be very therapeutic. I recommend using the audio function. These apologies even if only imaginary have meant a lot to me.
I am of the J.K. Rowling-Jesse Singal-Lisa Selin Davis school on these "trans" issues; deeply skeptical of it in many ways, while recognizing there probably are truly gender dysphoric people, and that for some adults, some kind of transition may alleviate their suffering.
I am also a non-believer, an atheist who prays and meditates every day.
Here's my question:
Given that some families **do** in fact torment or punish children who fall outside the family's preferred "norms," whether it's religious belief (or lack thereof), sexual morality, gender variant behavior (more feminine boys, masculine girls, etc.), how are school officials supposed to gauge whether exposing a child's "trans" (or other) secret may put them in, at least, an untenable position at home?
In general, my view is, parents should be notified of behavioral changes and issues at school. Teachers should not be withholding information from parents, not even on (just) a child's say so that to violate their confidence would cause Harm X, Y or Z.
Yet I am a person who does not in any way approve of parents punishing kids for being themselves, questioning religious tenets, and so on.
How should we resolve the above? Respecful answers appreciated.
I am a mandated reporter in two countries. I have worked with children in schools and the courts and Battered Women's Shelters. I am extremely well-versed in child abuse and Child Protective Services.
As a mandated reporter, I am required to report to the police when I see *anything* that I consider, in my trained professional opinion, child abuse. This includes emotional, psychological, spiritual, and physical harm.
I refer to "the child," but this applies to any minor, including teenagers. Teens are at the highest risk of grooming by adults.
MANDATED REPORTING
A child coming to grips with their own sexual orientation, race, spiritual beliefs, etc, needs a safe space in which to learn to understand themself. As long as the child is trying to accept themself and not to harm themself, I'm there to support them and help them reconcile their developing identity peacefully and lovingly within their family, the people who love them most.
However, a child falling into the clutches of groomers or cultists is not coming to grips with something of their own. They are being groomed. I know the difference: if a child is being led to reject themself or try to harm themself or to estrange themself from their family, I'm there to report that danger to the police.
The police will investigate. If the family is truly dangerous to the child, the child will be protected. But if the family is NOT dangerous to the child, the child is being groomed by adult strangers, and the police must investigate those groomers.
GROOMERS
The medical gender-enforcement lobby is based upon leading children to reject themselves as they are and try to harm themselves through experimental cosmetic drugs and, eventually, dangerous experimental cosmetic surgeries.
As is common to ALL groomers, this lobby leads children into their cult gently and innocuously--by first leading them to reject their names, bodies, and (if they refuse to go along with this "game") their parents.
Obviously, a groomer can't lead someone into a dangerous cult by simply announcing, "I'm here to groom you into a dangerous cult." They HAVE to lead into it gently, as though this were the most innocuous thing in the world and who could possibly object to it? Otherwise, they'll simply fail. This is true of EVERY form of grooming, from drugs to cults to violence to sex trafficking.
RED FLAGS
And so, when a child says, "I'm dealing with something," the mandated reporter first looks for red flags, by asking questions such as:
1st RED FLAG
What's bothering you?
Who does it involve? Is there an adult talking about this to you? Who is that?
An adult involved is an automatic red flag. Maybe they mean no harm. Maybe they do. But you ALWAYS pay attention to that first red flag.
2nd RED FLAG
Is this about accepting or rejecting yourself as you are right now?
Is this about becoming more or less physically healthy?
What is its affect upon your body? your mind? your heart?
Where did this come from? Where did you first hear of it? Who first talked to you about it?
What have your parents said about it? your siblings? your grandparents? your closest aunts and uncles?
If the child has not talked to ANY of their family about this, that's another red flag. Maybe this issue with the family can be resolved. Maybe it can't. But you ALWAYS pay attention to this second red flag.
3rd RED FLAG
If you haven't talked to ANY of your family about it, why not? Are you absolutely certain that would be the result, or are you simply worried? What is making you worried? Has someone told you to worry?
If the child has been TOLD to worry, that's a third red flag. Maybe it was well-meaning. Maybe it wasn't. But you ALWAYS pay attention to this.
4th RED FLAG
Do you know anyone who's had this conversation with their family and been yelled at or beaten for it?
Do you know anyone who's had this conversation with their family and been asked to consider more information, and they got angry at their family over that?
Do you know anyone who's had this conversation with their family and been told that their family loves them but won't go along with it out of concern for their well-being?
If the child has no direct experience with anyone who's ever had trouble with this, that's a fourth red flag. Why does the child believe something bad will happen, if they have no experience with that? ALWAYS pay attention to why the child believes what they do.
5th RED FLAG
Have you been told by ANY adult to hide this from your family and/or reject your family over it? Who was that?
And, of course, if the child has been told by an adult to hide this from their family and/or reject their family over it--in person or online--that's the final red flag. That adult is a groomer.
WHEN TO CALL THE POLICE
You don't have to be a mandated reporter to help a child with something like this. Just be aware that, if you're not trained, you might very likely get it wrong. And if you're working within a system that has overwhelmingly enacted a recent new way of dealing with taboos, with no debate allowed, you might also very likely get it wrong.
You have to keep your wits about you as you talk to the child and keep asking yourself, "Do I truly and sincerely believe this child's family will hurt them if they know about this?"
Because, if the answer is yes, then you need to call the police.
I think you are talking about the old 'child protective services' question. Unfortunately there are kids who are abused by their parents and in the 'olden days' teachers were required to consult and refer if they were concerned about a child. Now teachers, who are not trained in these matters, are becoming 'therapists' etc and acting out of their own beliefs and most often not in the best interest of the child. Family reunification is ALWAYS in the best interest of anyone when it is possible and parents are open to understanding harms done. This is no longer, "Sally comes to school with bruises" or 'Jimmy was beaten because parents believe in sparing the rod and spoiling the child. I am a mental health person and have worked with many teachers, most of whom really don't have any idea about child development or family health. They are taught to teach subjects not to intervene in family matters. I am happy to be retired now because I just can't fathom how teachers, and schools, have taken this on. Long ago we walked away from religious indoctrination is schools. This movement is 'faith based'. There is no science behind it that I am aware of and I worked with families, children and adolescents for 30 years. I think the idea that the kids are being punished is made up and part of the story. Parents may be shocked, scared and confused, but that is a far cry from punishing.
"I think the idea that the kids are being punished is made up and part of the story."
I absolutely agree, Gretchen. It is part of the manipulation to separate young people from the authority figures with the greatest investment in protecting them. A cult tactic as old as time.
That's why it's so important to ask the young person: "Do you have any direct experience with kids being punished for talking to their families about this?"
When I first asked my young adult son what he knew about transgenderism, he said he knew people online who'd transitioned and were happier. This is a young man who trusts me implicitly and also knew I was researching this and not impressed by the claims. It turned out, upon questioning, that he only knew people online who CLAIMED to know people who'd transitioned and were happier.
This, in spite of the fact that our family knew in person two different men claiming to be women at different points in his life and neither one of them came to his mind when I asked him about this.
The gaslighting online is astronomical, and even the brightest young people are being convinced that they've experienced things they haven't actually experienced.
Powerful writing. Be prepared to write one from the surgeon.
As part of a grief ritual exercise, I spoke to someone who sat in place of the surgeon who conducted my sex-organ surgeries. As my accusations and tears flowed, I realized forgiveness was within my ability, because the person I've become is who I am meant to be. The same is true for S, no matter what.
Reading the letters you never received was a profound experience. I deeply sympathise with you. Would it be worth sending them to the people concerned?
Good writing. I thought the first two were authentic... Some of us found it uplifting, others depressing. As someone who has hoped for just one of these acknowledgements for too many years, I've realized there is a greater chance of my son returning to himself than any of these folkers ever apologizing.
Brilliant. Thank you, actually, for sharing the things you said to the therapists because I am in the process of waiting to hear back from an old one and trying to demand a family session with a new one. Not holding my breath but I like to have language to arm myself, just in case. Our daughter is 21, so it sounds similar.
my dear recently-passed husband,
I can't express my incredible regret that I listed your son--the apple of your eye, the only one of your four children you ever wanted or paid attention to, because he was your SON--in your obituary as your daughter.
What could I possibly have been thinking.
I know that you were estranged from your son after he joined a dangerous popular moral panic (for the second time in his life). I know that this shock, coming as it did in your very late 80s, destroyed your will to live and led directly to your death.
And I did absolutely the worst thing I could have done to you: I compounded the damage by refusing to respect your wishes and your lifelong passion for this one male child of your body, the son around whom you lived your entire life.
I told everyone he was your daughter, knowing that there was nothing I could do to hurt your worse--and that, now that you're gone, you couldn't stop me.
I know in your obituary I referred to myself repeatedly as your "beloved/loving wife." But that was a lie. If I had truly loved you, I would never have done such a devastating thing to you.
Your first wife, the mother of your son, doesn't even love you anymore, and still she would never have done that to you.
I am consumed with shame and regret, and I will never forgive myself.
--your widow
Not enough words to thank you for these amazing letters. Such brave parents. I was thinking about caving to my nephew, but now im questioning that. I want him to be his very best self.
You’ve nailed it. The loss, grief and silencing is compounded by all those letters we have never received.
Oh no! - https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/amc-cancels-anti-transgender-documentary-after-backlash/ar-AA1cKQFq?li=BBnbcA1
Is there another way to watch it?
Found it! - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhU24k939ys
The video is no longer available - the Yt account has been terminated.
Thank you very much to the author. I have found these letters to be very therapeutic. I recommend using the audio function. These apologies even if only imaginary have meant a lot to me.
A Must Watch For All!
God Bless.
https://www.theepochtimes.com/gender-transformation_5280005.html?utm_source=share-btn-copylink
Here's a sincere question:
I am of the J.K. Rowling-Jesse Singal-Lisa Selin Davis school on these "trans" issues; deeply skeptical of it in many ways, while recognizing there probably are truly gender dysphoric people, and that for some adults, some kind of transition may alleviate their suffering.
I am also a non-believer, an atheist who prays and meditates every day.
Here's my question:
Given that some families **do** in fact torment or punish children who fall outside the family's preferred "norms," whether it's religious belief (or lack thereof), sexual morality, gender variant behavior (more feminine boys, masculine girls, etc.), how are school officials supposed to gauge whether exposing a child's "trans" (or other) secret may put them in, at least, an untenable position at home?
In general, my view is, parents should be notified of behavioral changes and issues at school. Teachers should not be withholding information from parents, not even on (just) a child's say so that to violate their confidence would cause Harm X, Y or Z.
Yet I am a person who does not in any way approve of parents punishing kids for being themselves, questioning religious tenets, and so on.
How should we resolve the above? Respecful answers appreciated.
Thanks.
I am a mandated reporter in two countries. I have worked with children in schools and the courts and Battered Women's Shelters. I am extremely well-versed in child abuse and Child Protective Services.
As a mandated reporter, I am required to report to the police when I see *anything* that I consider, in my trained professional opinion, child abuse. This includes emotional, psychological, spiritual, and physical harm.
I refer to "the child," but this applies to any minor, including teenagers. Teens are at the highest risk of grooming by adults.
MANDATED REPORTING
A child coming to grips with their own sexual orientation, race, spiritual beliefs, etc, needs a safe space in which to learn to understand themself. As long as the child is trying to accept themself and not to harm themself, I'm there to support them and help them reconcile their developing identity peacefully and lovingly within their family, the people who love them most.
However, a child falling into the clutches of groomers or cultists is not coming to grips with something of their own. They are being groomed. I know the difference: if a child is being led to reject themself or try to harm themself or to estrange themself from their family, I'm there to report that danger to the police.
The police will investigate. If the family is truly dangerous to the child, the child will be protected. But if the family is NOT dangerous to the child, the child is being groomed by adult strangers, and the police must investigate those groomers.
GROOMERS
The medical gender-enforcement lobby is based upon leading children to reject themselves as they are and try to harm themselves through experimental cosmetic drugs and, eventually, dangerous experimental cosmetic surgeries.
As is common to ALL groomers, this lobby leads children into their cult gently and innocuously--by first leading them to reject their names, bodies, and (if they refuse to go along with this "game") their parents.
Obviously, a groomer can't lead someone into a dangerous cult by simply announcing, "I'm here to groom you into a dangerous cult." They HAVE to lead into it gently, as though this were the most innocuous thing in the world and who could possibly object to it? Otherwise, they'll simply fail. This is true of EVERY form of grooming, from drugs to cults to violence to sex trafficking.
RED FLAGS
And so, when a child says, "I'm dealing with something," the mandated reporter first looks for red flags, by asking questions such as:
1st RED FLAG
What's bothering you?
Who does it involve? Is there an adult talking about this to you? Who is that?
An adult involved is an automatic red flag. Maybe they mean no harm. Maybe they do. But you ALWAYS pay attention to that first red flag.
2nd RED FLAG
Is this about accepting or rejecting yourself as you are right now?
Is this about becoming more or less physically healthy?
What is its affect upon your body? your mind? your heart?
Where did this come from? Where did you first hear of it? Who first talked to you about it?
What have your parents said about it? your siblings? your grandparents? your closest aunts and uncles?
If the child has not talked to ANY of their family about this, that's another red flag. Maybe this issue with the family can be resolved. Maybe it can't. But you ALWAYS pay attention to this second red flag.
3rd RED FLAG
If you haven't talked to ANY of your family about it, why not? Are you absolutely certain that would be the result, or are you simply worried? What is making you worried? Has someone told you to worry?
If the child has been TOLD to worry, that's a third red flag. Maybe it was well-meaning. Maybe it wasn't. But you ALWAYS pay attention to this.
4th RED FLAG
Do you know anyone who's had this conversation with their family and been yelled at or beaten for it?
Do you know anyone who's had this conversation with their family and been asked to consider more information, and they got angry at their family over that?
Do you know anyone who's had this conversation with their family and been told that their family loves them but won't go along with it out of concern for their well-being?
If the child has no direct experience with anyone who's ever had trouble with this, that's a fourth red flag. Why does the child believe something bad will happen, if they have no experience with that? ALWAYS pay attention to why the child believes what they do.
5th RED FLAG
Have you been told by ANY adult to hide this from your family and/or reject your family over it? Who was that?
And, of course, if the child has been told by an adult to hide this from their family and/or reject their family over it--in person or online--that's the final red flag. That adult is a groomer.
WHEN TO CALL THE POLICE
You don't have to be a mandated reporter to help a child with something like this. Just be aware that, if you're not trained, you might very likely get it wrong. And if you're working within a system that has overwhelmingly enacted a recent new way of dealing with taboos, with no debate allowed, you might also very likely get it wrong.
You have to keep your wits about you as you talk to the child and keep asking yourself, "Do I truly and sincerely believe this child's family will hurt them if they know about this?"
Because, if the answer is yes, then you need to call the police.
I think you are talking about the old 'child protective services' question. Unfortunately there are kids who are abused by their parents and in the 'olden days' teachers were required to consult and refer if they were concerned about a child. Now teachers, who are not trained in these matters, are becoming 'therapists' etc and acting out of their own beliefs and most often not in the best interest of the child. Family reunification is ALWAYS in the best interest of anyone when it is possible and parents are open to understanding harms done. This is no longer, "Sally comes to school with bruises" or 'Jimmy was beaten because parents believe in sparing the rod and spoiling the child. I am a mental health person and have worked with many teachers, most of whom really don't have any idea about child development or family health. They are taught to teach subjects not to intervene in family matters. I am happy to be retired now because I just can't fathom how teachers, and schools, have taken this on. Long ago we walked away from religious indoctrination is schools. This movement is 'faith based'. There is no science behind it that I am aware of and I worked with families, children and adolescents for 30 years. I think the idea that the kids are being punished is made up and part of the story. Parents may be shocked, scared and confused, but that is a far cry from punishing.
"I think the idea that the kids are being punished is made up and part of the story."
I absolutely agree, Gretchen. It is part of the manipulation to separate young people from the authority figures with the greatest investment in protecting them. A cult tactic as old as time.
That's why it's so important to ask the young person: "Do you have any direct experience with kids being punished for talking to their families about this?"
When I first asked my young adult son what he knew about transgenderism, he said he knew people online who'd transitioned and were happier. This is a young man who trusts me implicitly and also knew I was researching this and not impressed by the claims. It turned out, upon questioning, that he only knew people online who CLAIMED to know people who'd transitioned and were happier.
This, in spite of the fact that our family knew in person two different men claiming to be women at different points in his life and neither one of them came to his mind when I asked him about this.
The gaslighting online is astronomical, and even the brightest young people are being convinced that they've experienced things they haven't actually experienced.
Powerful writing. Be prepared to write one from the surgeon.
As part of a grief ritual exercise, I spoke to someone who sat in place of the surgeon who conducted my sex-organ surgeries. As my accusations and tears flowed, I realized forgiveness was within my ability, because the person I've become is who I am meant to be. The same is true for S, no matter what.
Love and respect to you and your family.
Reading the letters you never received was a profound experience. I deeply sympathise with you. Would it be worth sending them to the people concerned?
That was genuinely cathartic. Thank you!
Good writing. I thought the first two were authentic... Some of us found it uplifting, others depressing. As someone who has hoped for just one of these acknowledgements for too many years, I've realized there is a greater chance of my son returning to himself than any of these folkers ever apologizing.
Brilliant. Thank you, actually, for sharing the things you said to the therapists because I am in the process of waiting to hear back from an old one and trying to demand a family session with a new one. Not holding my breath but I like to have language to arm myself, just in case. Our daughter is 21, so it sounds similar.
it was so powerful to read this, my heart goes out to all the parents.
If only....
Excellent on every level. I hope S gets sustained care that leads her back to her family and mental health.
that is wgy we need to speak up, to debate, to challange
humans do change their way of thinking