None of the Kids are All Right

Recently we went through the worst experience a parent could ever imagine, the loss of our most cherished child. 

Our son had been trans-identified for years but in the end, he desisted.  He was living at home and seemed to be happy, attending college, and he had many goals for the future. The real truth was, he was not all right. He was struggling, although he did not tell us and we did not see it. 

We had kept the trans identification secret from everyone we knew from his childhood. We had gone to a small, wonderful elementary school with an excellent community. It was full of great kids and very active, supportive parents. Unfortunately, all our children went to different middle and high schools, so the community was dispersed. We stopped engaging with most of them when my son was trans-identified. I was ashamed and felt I would be judged. I assumed our family was the only one struggling.

When my son died, so many of these parents came to our aid. There was no judgment, only support. They felt this could have happened to them because their kids were also suffering from mental health issues. Some were also trans identified. The parents from this elementary school group were deeply affected by the loss of our son. They remembered this happy boy and supportive loving family. So many told us that their child is not doing well - something they probably had not admitted before. I assumed it was just trans-identifying children that were not doing well, but I realized it’s more kids than I ever imagined. 

After his death, we found the truth of what was going on with him in his journals. He had a drug addiction. This is what I learned from an article.

As we look deeper at each of these signs, remember that they are not always blatant. Often, it’s the subtle shifts and changes that raise the first red flags. It’s also worth mentioning that not every person who struggles with addiction to drugs or alcohol will display every sign. It’s usually a mix-and-match scenario.”

10 Warning Signs of High-Functioning Drug Addiction.

• Subtle Changes in Behavior and Mood

• Changes in Someone’s Social Circles Could Mean High-Functioning Drug Addiction

•  Shifts in Professional or Academic Performance

• Changes in Physical Appearance May Stem from High-Functioning Drug Addiction

• Financial Inconsistencies or Deeper Money Troubles

• Defensive Attitude Towards Substance Use

• Increased Tolerance and Withdrawal Symptoms

• Neglecting Responsibilities Could Result from High-Functioning Drug Addiction

• Secretive Behavior and Lying

• Unexplained Health Issues

My son did not suffer with all of these signs, but desisting and detransitioning is very difficult, and the mental health issues do not immediately disappear. We were so thrilled that my son was doing well and embracing being male again. As a family we were working on rebuilding our fractured relationship after years of him hating us. Unfortunately, we did not see the subtle warnings that he had found another addiction to soothe him.

My son had always been my anti-drug kid. He also stopped hanging out with friends in high school who were trying drugs. He had not tried anything until after he was 18. He was able to buy a medical marijuana card on the internet for $40 and he started using, but he said it was recreational only. That is not what was happening, as we learned later.

It does seem like the tide is turning with the publication of the Cass Report, so there will be a lot of desisters and detransitioners, but it will take a long time until they are all right again. I want parents to be aware of the subtle warning signs. I would not wish my fate on anyone else. 

As parents we blame ourselves for our children’s troubles but I ask, could all of us really be the terrible parents portrayed in the media? Perhaps there is something that happened to our generation of children that has not happened before. I would look at the iPhone, internet, social media, and COVID. My son’s school was shut down for a year and a half. It’s not just trans identifying kids that are not all right, it’s all of them.