Relationship as Guru
Our closest relationships are often our greatest teachers. I am finding the truth of that in my marriage now, as my wife and I struggle to stay connected and parent through vastly differing perspectives on the current gender narrative. I often find myself feeling angry and withdrawn because of our widely differing opinions about navigating the gender landscape.
We used to share a similar perspective, my wife and I, several years ago. There was a time when I happily offered up my pronouns (she/her, I am a "cis"-woman married to a "cis"-woman) and wondered what gender another person might be, no matter how feminine or masculine their outer appearance. "You just can't know what anyone's pronouns or genders are these days." I would say with a shrug and a knowing look to my friends and partner who shared my inability to connect to the reality of what was right in front of us.
Fast forward a few years, and I have seen the damage that the current gender cult is wreaking on our children and families. Unfortunately, my wife is still caught in the cult. And now our 8 year old son is playing with they/them pronouns and wanting to use the girls' dressing room to change during dance recitals. Just trying to discuss this seemingly minor (minor in the sense that he is not talking about "being" a girl or "born in the wrong body" or any of the other nightmares that so many parents are contending with) situation leads to triggered blow ups and unproductive arguments.
It all started innocently enough. When our son was maybe two years old, he enjoyed trying on his older sister's dresses. Both my wife and I thought it was cute. He didn't play with dolls, and he wasn't otherwise effeminate. He loved, and still loves, trucks and running and climbing and playing with other boys and plenty of stereotypically "boy" activities.
I fully support any person, adult or child, expressing themselves through their clothing and hair and makeup. Boys wearing dresses? Great. Boyish girls, aka tomboys? Awesome. I was one when I was younger, and still am fairly tomboyish as a grown woman. Adult men or women wanting to take hormones and/or have the many surgeries available to them to live more convincingly as the opposite sex if that's what feels right to them? Go for it!
But there are too many people who would see my son in a dress and say "Oh, you must be a girl. Let's fix that!" and set him on a path that could permanently damage his health, mutilate his sexual organs, sterilize him and prevent him from possibly ever having an orgasm. I could tell teachers, counselors, friends, and other parents to take a hike and keep their ridiculous agendas away from my son. But what do you do when it's your own spouse who may promote these ideas? She hasn't yet, but she is fully captured and it wouldn't surprise me if it does go down that road someday.
These days my son likes to wear dresses, although not all the time and not in public. His sister is fiercely protective of him and his enjoyment of wearing dresses. And already, although I have tried to be completely neutral in the way I talk about gender and pronouns and all the aspects that I disagree with in the current radically leftist progressive gender ideology, they both know that I disagree with it all and avoid the topic with me. My son apparently waits for me to leave the house for work in the morning to wear a dress and begs his other mom not to tell me about it. My daughter is sad that I don't support her little brother in his exploration of his "true self". She's reading books about pride and transgender history that tell her men can be pregnant, and women can have penises. And my wife fully supports and encourages this magical thinking.
A hill I will die on is that only women can be pregnant, transwomen are men (and don't belong in women's or girls' spaces), men have penises and women have vaginas, and to say otherwise is misogynistic and regressive.
In so many other ways my relationship with my children is amazing. I say yes to spending time with them in any way they want. We laugh and play games together and watch movies and sometimes when I look at them I love them so much it takes my breath away.
My relationship with my wife, on the other hand, is strained and tense. She thinks I'm queerphobic, and I think she's promoting a dangerous form of magical thinking that could have severely damaging consequences for our children. We are constantly tiptoeing around the gender elephant in the room. We live in a very small town where my perspective is definitely in the minority, so I have to be careful about what I say so I'm not further ostracized from my community.
I hate what the gender narrative is doing to our families, children and communities. Trying to talk to my children and wife about these highly charged topics is beyond challenging. But I can't and won't let this insane ideology tear my family apart. I have to find a way to bridge the gap. Remembering that my closest relationships can be my greatest teachers and opportunity to learn and grow helps. It's all a work in process, and I fail miserably at seeing the situation as a learning opportunity more than I care to admit. I love my family, and I will do everything in my power to keep us together and stay connected to the ones I love, while staying true to my perspective. Staying together and connected in loving and supportive relationships is perhaps the greatest "F*** you" to the current system trying to tear us apart.