I have been called honest and open when it comes to my experience with trans ideology, my previous trans identity, and desisting, but there is something I am reluctant to talk about.
You survived not on your own merit, but on the merit of your family and community who prayed on your behalf and who did what they could to help. You owe a debt of gratitude, to be paid by your future purpose. Testify to what has happened and help others in their struggle. Live well so that you may fulfill your purpose. Do not run after happiness. Life is beautiful for those who struggle against evil.
Don't worry, all of this makes total sense!! Speaking as a fellow former gender cult member, who never transed myself. (Never did relate to hyper feminine stereotypes and expectations, but I was never very "masucline", either, thus never wanted to be a man.) But who likely might have, had "non-binary" been a thing where I live, back when I was still a brainwashed believer in this shite. I am so very glad that you escaped physically unharmed!!! ❤️ 🫂 And yup, I know what you mean, about those icky feelings... When I first peaked, the first thing I felt was IMMENSE guilt and fear, over: "holy shit, what if I am actually just AWFUL now??" Having your worldview flip on you to such an absurd extent can be IMMENSELY chaotic and disorienting. Then eventually, as I accepted it, and even embraced it, and increasingly unhooked myself from all those guilt and fear mechanisms? I felt rage and disgust at the cult, yes!! But I also felt a lot of disgust directed at my former self, for ever having supported something this despicable and immoral!! So I absolutely get it. Although I personally got over it, forgave myself, and found my peace with it, eventually. Which I hope you do, too. I hope you get to live an amazing and fulfilling life, free of guilt!! Clearly, we both "affirmed" people's delusions when we shouldn't have. But we did that, not because we were evil and wanted to cause them harm, but because just like them, we were both also sincerely indoctrinated TRUE believers!! Which is why I have managed to forgive former me. Because I know she meant well, she was indoctrinated and extremely naive, and she did not know the things I know now! Likely it's the same with former you, I reckon. You deserve forgiveness, too!! Also, one thing that comforts me personally is: I never actively set out to convince new people that they were "trans". I just validated ALREADY existent dissociative "identities", when I should instead have tried to help those people regain their lost ties to reality! The dissociative identities very much predated my affirmation of them. Not to say that me joining in on the chorus of enabling voices wasn't still harmful. Because of course it was! But if you, too, never actively set out to crack a bunch of people's "eggs", to create yet more of this shite, then the damage you did is at least much more LIMITED. Plus another thing that's also helped me forgive myself, personally..? Is that I have now helped peak several people! Including, at least partially, a confused and self-hating mentally ill man that I loved, who wanted to head down the path of medicalization! Seems like he ended up not doing that, at least in part from listening to me! Plus I have also posted stuff online that certain people have told me helped open their eyes... And it all matters! It all helps! I don't have much power and influence, either, but I still know I have now been able to achieve more for the side of reality and self-acceptance than I ever did for the side of dissociation and delusion! And that has ALSO helped me forgive myself! Which.. just sharing my own redemption process with you too, in hopes that it might help. 🙂
Basically, it is a long process, and it's taken me years to get to where I am today, too. Same thing with people who leave other cults... (I highly recommed the two documentaries about Nexium, Seduced and The Vow, plus all the various podcasts produced by ex members! So many of them seem like such great, sincere people, who were really TRUE believers! Who have still had to process, contend with and accept the fact that they were WRONG, and they did great harm to people because of it! But life still goes on, anyway. All they can do now is try to make amends and spread awareness. While also accepting the fact that the people that they harmed have every right NOT to forgive them.) It takes years to fully work through it, and you'll just have to go through the WHOLE gamut of emotions! But there is another side of it, for sure. I'm now at a point where I can feel compassion for, rather than disgust towards, my former self. Plus the whole thing seems FAR more distant now! Like, going from my world imploding, in a state of utter chaos, to now: "holy shit, I can hardly believe I ever actually fell for THAT!!" 😉 But still trying to help people wake up, as much as I am able to, in my own small way. Hope you can find forgiveness and compassion for your former self, too. ❤️ 🙂
EDIT: One last thing I was going to include, but forgot to: having had your mind, thought processes and moral compass hijacked, and been indoctrinated into a cult, is NOT a nothing!! Even if you never suffered the physical harm that certain other acolytes did, you still have EVERY right to be angry about it!! And to feel violated, traumatized, and disgusted!! Like I sure have, too... I think the word "soul rape" very much applies, here. And again, it takes time to recover, and to fully trust yourself again. But you will. ❤️
EDIT 2: I also ended up apologizing to my family, for having told them they were horrible and intolerant for not believing in this stuff!! They all forgave me, and appreciated it. Very much recommed!! That made me feel a whole lot better, too. 🙂
Thank you for sharing with us. I hold no ill feelings towards you. My daughter fully medicalized and is unrecognizable in all dimensions. My other daughter is an ally and doesn't want me in her life unless I comply with all her demands, affirm and never speak or write about this topic. If I view both these behaviors as cult-like, then I realize that I have little chance to help them. You too were very close to entering a cult-like situation and was lucky enough to not get fully swept up in it.
However, for anyone outside this cult-like situation, we can speak up (or write) and spread awareness so that perhaps other kids don't get sucked in. You are doing that, and I appreciate it even though it is too late in my situation. I hold hope for other kids and families, and I continue to write for them. You are doing that too. Shift to spreading awareness just like you are trying out here. You may help far more kids and families than you can ever realize.
Thank you for your bravery and carry on. You are on a track of light and love. We need more people like you.
Thank you for sharing your heart-not an easy thing, but so healing for us to hear your words, the reality of things. Praying that by writing, you too receive healing.
It is good you got out. No one deserves to be harmed like the others are being harmed. No one deserves to have a doctor or therapist or school counselor suggest that they harm themselves, while pretending to help.
It is a horrific medical scandal and you could not be expected to fix it. You escaped. This is good.
Your writing about it will help others, but having such a close call is also something one has to recover from. So yes, get on with your life. Getting free of this broken subculture is a big deal, too, because even most American doctors don't realize that feeling one is trans is often temporary. Your essay is so helpful!
Thank you for leaving your innermost thoughts here about what you went through. It’s very difficult to do so you should be proud of yourself for doing that. I really don’t like the word trans because there is no trans. There’s only female and male and somehow along the line, those words got changed to something else that doesn’t exist only in the minds of people that think they need it. I don’t know if you’re religious or not, but it reminds me of God seeking of the one sheep out of the 99 the one that was lost. My own son is lost in this delusion and refuses to come out of it. He has been so mean to me I suspect it’s the drugs talking and not him he used to be such a nice person. You should thank God that you were rescued. I used to do talks on anti-smoking campaign for the cancer society and I remember taking in diseased lungs and showing them to the high school students. I don’t know if I made an impact, but I tried to stop teenagers from smoking because they are very vulnerable to so many things. Keep on marching forward and don’t look back but try to dissuade other people from going down that path or ones that are already on it to stop one can always stop the bad that they are doing. God bless you.
Your story stands alone. It reads honest & true & adds yet another layer to this complicated mess that is ruining so many lives. Keep telling it. You’ll be ok x
I am the parent of a trans-identified young adult that sounds a lot like you. She has not medicalized yet but I expect she will soon. Her story parallels yours so much (maybe you’ve crossed paths on line).
I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to write and post. Isn’t that one step in apologizing and acknowledging what happened to you? You are looking at all of what happened and attempting to take responsibility. That’s no small thing! It might be easier for me to tell you not to feel guilty and that you are “doing the best you can” but I understand the view from where you sit and also the value of you sitting there.
It’s not exactly the same but it reminds me of myself when I was young and very religious. I tried to convince others to think the way I did, guilted them, pushed them and ultimately hurt them and the relationship(s). At some point in my life I was able to apologize but most of those people wouldn’t care to hear from me. An apology, even much delayed, is still meaningful and maybe even more so as you look at all of this.
I am certain, given your insight, wisdom and humility that you’re on the right path. Isn’t that any of us can hope for? to learn from our mistakes and attempt to right them? I’m rooting for you. 💕
Thank you for speaking up. It takes courage. I do believe things happen for a reason and it may be that your sacred purpose now is to share your story and help others to either not be taken by this ideology or to see that detransitioning is ok! As a parent of a medicalizing young adult who is lost and depressed but utterly in denial of it, it gives me so much hope to hear your story. So, thank you!
I am really happy for you that you desisted. As the title suggests, it sounds like you are experiencing a classic case of survivor guilt. I am not a fan of therapy, but I hope you can find one trusted friend or family member or a clergy member if you are religious. Contributing to the world, volunteering (probably for something that has nothing to do with gender) can be helpful. Thanks for your essay and best of luck in your life.
No one deserves to be hurt by this ideology - including you. We have all, at some point in our lives, made mistakes and inadvertently hurt others. But guilt helps no one - forgive yourself, apologize for what you are able, try to fix what wrongs you are able, and learn to accept that sometimes there are no fixes available. We’re all human and we all fall down sometimes. I hope you find a way to let go of the guilt that is harming you now - it’s just another facet of harm from trans ideology.
Just know that parents like me who are still cut off from an adult child (who may have irreparable harm) do not see it your way. We are very thankful for you, happy for you, for your family… that at least someone escaped unharmed. Just the fact that you walked away, for any reason, is its own testimony. And it gives us hope.
I would say just count your blessings and try to help others by telling your story and being as honest as you can. Sounds like you should think deeply about the 12 step program or at least look it over for any pointers. We all know the cure for depression and similar ailments is to stop thinking about yourself and get out there, help some people, and keep yourself busy taking care of yourself and everyone around you. I am grateful you spoke up and so glad you escaped this terrible death cult. Your story adds another layer of Dante's Hell onto Trans - Survivors Guilt. We all assumed it could definitely manifest but to hear you articulate the pain helps identify it so we all know. Thank you so much! Onward and upward, we have all done things we regret, we have all hurt people and we have all been hurt by people. Keep striving.
Please don't feel guilty. You deserve to be OK. Everyone does, and that includes you. Please don't beat yourself up. You may not be ready to do everything you think you should, yet, but that is likely to change as you mature. You can help others in time. You will get there.
You're obviously young. When I was young, and I did something wrong, I wouldn't always reach out and apologize. But that is what needs to be done. I learned to do that as time passed, and I am happier now for it. But apologizing is not always possible. Sometimes apologizing just hurts the person you harmed all over again. Sometimes they aren't available to apologize to. Sometimes they feel they weren't harmed.
During our lives our beliefs change, and some of us pursue our beliefs aggressively. Right now I am aggressively anti-trans. But it is possible, just possible, that "transitioning" is what some trans people really need. What I say may harm those people. But I am fairly certain that I am right for the majority of people I might influence, so I'm not putting on the breaks.
Having pushed transgenderism aggressively when you were under its spell, the thing to do now is to be openly anti-trans, but do so with some humility. Try to remember how you felt when you were certain you were trans, and use those memories to temper your aggressiveness. But do tell your story, as you are doing in this article.
If you are still young, as I suspect you are, you will figure out ways to "give back" to the people you may have harmed. It will come to you as you mature. Most importantly, forgive yourself (unless you were purposely being malicious).
Oh, and one more thing: Try to be more thoughtful. Some issues take a lot of thinking to figure them out. If you are going to advocate for certain ideas in general, make sure you understand them thoroughly.
You survived not on your own merit, but on the merit of your family and community who prayed on your behalf and who did what they could to help. You owe a debt of gratitude, to be paid by your future purpose. Testify to what has happened and help others in their struggle. Live well so that you may fulfill your purpose. Do not run after happiness. Life is beautiful for those who struggle against evil.
Don't worry, all of this makes total sense!! Speaking as a fellow former gender cult member, who never transed myself. (Never did relate to hyper feminine stereotypes and expectations, but I was never very "masucline", either, thus never wanted to be a man.) But who likely might have, had "non-binary" been a thing where I live, back when I was still a brainwashed believer in this shite. I am so very glad that you escaped physically unharmed!!! ❤️ 🫂 And yup, I know what you mean, about those icky feelings... When I first peaked, the first thing I felt was IMMENSE guilt and fear, over: "holy shit, what if I am actually just AWFUL now??" Having your worldview flip on you to such an absurd extent can be IMMENSELY chaotic and disorienting. Then eventually, as I accepted it, and even embraced it, and increasingly unhooked myself from all those guilt and fear mechanisms? I felt rage and disgust at the cult, yes!! But I also felt a lot of disgust directed at my former self, for ever having supported something this despicable and immoral!! So I absolutely get it. Although I personally got over it, forgave myself, and found my peace with it, eventually. Which I hope you do, too. I hope you get to live an amazing and fulfilling life, free of guilt!! Clearly, we both "affirmed" people's delusions when we shouldn't have. But we did that, not because we were evil and wanted to cause them harm, but because just like them, we were both also sincerely indoctrinated TRUE believers!! Which is why I have managed to forgive former me. Because I know she meant well, she was indoctrinated and extremely naive, and she did not know the things I know now! Likely it's the same with former you, I reckon. You deserve forgiveness, too!! Also, one thing that comforts me personally is: I never actively set out to convince new people that they were "trans". I just validated ALREADY existent dissociative "identities", when I should instead have tried to help those people regain their lost ties to reality! The dissociative identities very much predated my affirmation of them. Not to say that me joining in on the chorus of enabling voices wasn't still harmful. Because of course it was! But if you, too, never actively set out to crack a bunch of people's "eggs", to create yet more of this shite, then the damage you did is at least much more LIMITED. Plus another thing that's also helped me forgive myself, personally..? Is that I have now helped peak several people! Including, at least partially, a confused and self-hating mentally ill man that I loved, who wanted to head down the path of medicalization! Seems like he ended up not doing that, at least in part from listening to me! Plus I have also posted stuff online that certain people have told me helped open their eyes... And it all matters! It all helps! I don't have much power and influence, either, but I still know I have now been able to achieve more for the side of reality and self-acceptance than I ever did for the side of dissociation and delusion! And that has ALSO helped me forgive myself! Which.. just sharing my own redemption process with you too, in hopes that it might help. 🙂
Basically, it is a long process, and it's taken me years to get to where I am today, too. Same thing with people who leave other cults... (I highly recommed the two documentaries about Nexium, Seduced and The Vow, plus all the various podcasts produced by ex members! So many of them seem like such great, sincere people, who were really TRUE believers! Who have still had to process, contend with and accept the fact that they were WRONG, and they did great harm to people because of it! But life still goes on, anyway. All they can do now is try to make amends and spread awareness. While also accepting the fact that the people that they harmed have every right NOT to forgive them.) It takes years to fully work through it, and you'll just have to go through the WHOLE gamut of emotions! But there is another side of it, for sure. I'm now at a point where I can feel compassion for, rather than disgust towards, my former self. Plus the whole thing seems FAR more distant now! Like, going from my world imploding, in a state of utter chaos, to now: "holy shit, I can hardly believe I ever actually fell for THAT!!" 😉 But still trying to help people wake up, as much as I am able to, in my own small way. Hope you can find forgiveness and compassion for your former self, too. ❤️ 🙂
EDIT: One last thing I was going to include, but forgot to: having had your mind, thought processes and moral compass hijacked, and been indoctrinated into a cult, is NOT a nothing!! Even if you never suffered the physical harm that certain other acolytes did, you still have EVERY right to be angry about it!! And to feel violated, traumatized, and disgusted!! Like I sure have, too... I think the word "soul rape" very much applies, here. And again, it takes time to recover, and to fully trust yourself again. But you will. ❤️
EDIT 2: I also ended up apologizing to my family, for having told them they were horrible and intolerant for not believing in this stuff!! They all forgave me, and appreciated it. Very much recommed!! That made me feel a whole lot better, too. 🙂
Thank you for sharing with us. I hold no ill feelings towards you. My daughter fully medicalized and is unrecognizable in all dimensions. My other daughter is an ally and doesn't want me in her life unless I comply with all her demands, affirm and never speak or write about this topic. If I view both these behaviors as cult-like, then I realize that I have little chance to help them. You too were very close to entering a cult-like situation and was lucky enough to not get fully swept up in it.
However, for anyone outside this cult-like situation, we can speak up (or write) and spread awareness so that perhaps other kids don't get sucked in. You are doing that, and I appreciate it even though it is too late in my situation. I hold hope for other kids and families, and I continue to write for them. You are doing that too. Shift to spreading awareness just like you are trying out here. You may help far more kids and families than you can ever realize.
Thank you for your bravery and carry on. You are on a track of light and love. We need more people like you.
Thank you for sharing your heart-not an easy thing, but so healing for us to hear your words, the reality of things. Praying that by writing, you too receive healing.
It is good you got out. No one deserves to be harmed like the others are being harmed. No one deserves to have a doctor or therapist or school counselor suggest that they harm themselves, while pretending to help.
It is a horrific medical scandal and you could not be expected to fix it. You escaped. This is good.
Your writing about it will help others, but having such a close call is also something one has to recover from. So yes, get on with your life. Getting free of this broken subculture is a big deal, too, because even most American doctors don't realize that feeling one is trans is often temporary. Your essay is so helpful!
Thank you!
Thank you for leaving your innermost thoughts here about what you went through. It’s very difficult to do so you should be proud of yourself for doing that. I really don’t like the word trans because there is no trans. There’s only female and male and somehow along the line, those words got changed to something else that doesn’t exist only in the minds of people that think they need it. I don’t know if you’re religious or not, but it reminds me of God seeking of the one sheep out of the 99 the one that was lost. My own son is lost in this delusion and refuses to come out of it. He has been so mean to me I suspect it’s the drugs talking and not him he used to be such a nice person. You should thank God that you were rescued. I used to do talks on anti-smoking campaign for the cancer society and I remember taking in diseased lungs and showing them to the high school students. I don’t know if I made an impact, but I tried to stop teenagers from smoking because they are very vulnerable to so many things. Keep on marching forward and don’t look back but try to dissuade other people from going down that path or ones that are already on it to stop one can always stop the bad that they are doing. God bless you.
Your story stands alone. It reads honest & true & adds yet another layer to this complicated mess that is ruining so many lives. Keep telling it. You’ll be ok x
I am the parent of a trans-identified young adult that sounds a lot like you. She has not medicalized yet but I expect she will soon. Her story parallels yours so much (maybe you’ve crossed paths on line).
I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to write and post. Isn’t that one step in apologizing and acknowledging what happened to you? You are looking at all of what happened and attempting to take responsibility. That’s no small thing! It might be easier for me to tell you not to feel guilty and that you are “doing the best you can” but I understand the view from where you sit and also the value of you sitting there.
It’s not exactly the same but it reminds me of myself when I was young and very religious. I tried to convince others to think the way I did, guilted them, pushed them and ultimately hurt them and the relationship(s). At some point in my life I was able to apologize but most of those people wouldn’t care to hear from me. An apology, even much delayed, is still meaningful and maybe even more so as you look at all of this.
I am certain, given your insight, wisdom and humility that you’re on the right path. Isn’t that any of us can hope for? to learn from our mistakes and attempt to right them? I’m rooting for you. 💕
Thank you for speaking up. It takes courage. I do believe things happen for a reason and it may be that your sacred purpose now is to share your story and help others to either not be taken by this ideology or to see that detransitioning is ok! As a parent of a medicalizing young adult who is lost and depressed but utterly in denial of it, it gives me so much hope to hear your story. So, thank you!
I am really happy for you that you desisted. As the title suggests, it sounds like you are experiencing a classic case of survivor guilt. I am not a fan of therapy, but I hope you can find one trusted friend or family member or a clergy member if you are religious. Contributing to the world, volunteering (probably for something that has nothing to do with gender) can be helpful. Thanks for your essay and best of luck in your life.
No one deserves to be hurt by this ideology - including you. We have all, at some point in our lives, made mistakes and inadvertently hurt others. But guilt helps no one - forgive yourself, apologize for what you are able, try to fix what wrongs you are able, and learn to accept that sometimes there are no fixes available. We’re all human and we all fall down sometimes. I hope you find a way to let go of the guilt that is harming you now - it’s just another facet of harm from trans ideology.
Just know that parents like me who are still cut off from an adult child (who may have irreparable harm) do not see it your way. We are very thankful for you, happy for you, for your family… that at least someone escaped unharmed. Just the fact that you walked away, for any reason, is its own testimony. And it gives us hope.
Thank you for your essay. God bless you.
I would say just count your blessings and try to help others by telling your story and being as honest as you can. Sounds like you should think deeply about the 12 step program or at least look it over for any pointers. We all know the cure for depression and similar ailments is to stop thinking about yourself and get out there, help some people, and keep yourself busy taking care of yourself and everyone around you. I am grateful you spoke up and so glad you escaped this terrible death cult. Your story adds another layer of Dante's Hell onto Trans - Survivors Guilt. We all assumed it could definitely manifest but to hear you articulate the pain helps identify it so we all know. Thank you so much! Onward and upward, we have all done things we regret, we have all hurt people and we have all been hurt by people. Keep striving.
Please don't feel guilty. You deserve to be OK. Everyone does, and that includes you. Please don't beat yourself up. You may not be ready to do everything you think you should, yet, but that is likely to change as you mature. You can help others in time. You will get there.
You're obviously young. When I was young, and I did something wrong, I wouldn't always reach out and apologize. But that is what needs to be done. I learned to do that as time passed, and I am happier now for it. But apologizing is not always possible. Sometimes apologizing just hurts the person you harmed all over again. Sometimes they aren't available to apologize to. Sometimes they feel they weren't harmed.
During our lives our beliefs change, and some of us pursue our beliefs aggressively. Right now I am aggressively anti-trans. But it is possible, just possible, that "transitioning" is what some trans people really need. What I say may harm those people. But I am fairly certain that I am right for the majority of people I might influence, so I'm not putting on the breaks.
Having pushed transgenderism aggressively when you were under its spell, the thing to do now is to be openly anti-trans, but do so with some humility. Try to remember how you felt when you were certain you were trans, and use those memories to temper your aggressiveness. But do tell your story, as you are doing in this article.
If you are still young, as I suspect you are, you will figure out ways to "give back" to the people you may have harmed. It will come to you as you mature. Most importantly, forgive yourself (unless you were purposely being malicious).
Oh, and one more thing: Try to be more thoughtful. Some issues take a lot of thinking to figure them out. If you are going to advocate for certain ideas in general, make sure you understand them thoroughly.