I have been called honest and open when it comes to my experience with trans ideology, my previous trans identity, and desisting, but there is something I am reluctant to talk about.
These comments are hopefully encouraging, but I know from my own experience of survivor’s guilt that, if it were me, it wouldn’t have helped very much. That guilt is more than a thought or perspective on your situation. It’s a deep wound that pierces your soul. The beginning of healing certainly involves changing your perspective, so these comments might be helpful, but I’m praying for healing for you - a deep healing that will lead you to acceptance and beyond. I hope you have a good counselor to guide you through this process. If not, I would strongly recommend that you get one. This isn’t something that you should tackle alone.
The Lord God is merciful and gracious, and extends this free gift to everyone. We are all sinners and have all chosen to be selfish and sinful at some point. Romans 3:23 Because of this, we all deserve judgment because of our sin, Romans 6:23, but the Lord sent his son Jesus Christ to be born and to live a sinless life and to die the death we deserve. Romans 5:8 He took our place so that we can be adopted as God‘s children and be welcomed into heaven with him for all eternity. We experience a guilt given by the Lord that brings us to sorrow over the sin we’ve committed; our selfishness, our pride, etc., which leads us to the humility. 2 Corinthians 7:10 We need to ask the Lord and others to forgive us. When we cry out to him this way in our brokenness, he quickly surrounds us with his love and grace and compassion and restores us to a right relationship with Him because of His great love for us. 1John 1:9. Romans 10:9 When we receive His mercy, we experience the freedom and His unconditional love to walk forward in peace in our relationships with others and with Him. Roman 8:1, Romans 10:13.
He is the only perfect father. He desires that all would turn away from their sinfulness and become his children. This beautiful gift is for all people once we become his children through this adoption made possible by Jesus‘s death and resurrection, we can joyfully share this news with others that they too, may walk in freedom and peace. Looking forward to the day they are greeted in heaven by Him. May you feel his peace today as you see him and share this great truth with all you know! Much like a cure for a terminal illness, we would never keep it to ourselves, but urgently and freely share with all we know and come in contact with. This good news was shared with me long ago when I was in college and chose to walk in great darkness, he rescued me and gave me a new life that I never deserved. 💐💒
"I never apologized because I am too afraid to talk about it."
You need to apologize to your parents and siblings. You can't begin healing emotionally or psychologically until you do. That's why this is one of the core steps of 12-step recovery from addiction.
Yes, it's scary to take that step. Of course it is. But as long as you allow yourself to keep hiding from what you've done and taking full 100% responsibility for it, you will continue to drown in guilt, to feel weak and confused and scared and uncertain about yourself and what you deserve or don't deserve.
And you will continue to be vulnerable to the next cult, because cults prey on those feelings of uncertainty.
My brother spent six years in the Satanic panic. When he came out of it, he wanted my parents to take him back with no explanations, no apologies, nothing. They did. So he never healed. He is now 65 years old and has joined the Trans panic. He learned nothing from his last experience, because he hid from facing what he'd done and taking responsibility for it.
Don't be him.
Go to your parents.
NOW.
Tell them you're sorry. Tell them you've been afraid to apologize because you were too afraid to talk about it. Tell them everything you said here. Tell them everything.
They love you, and they will help you get through this.
But you have to do it.
And you can't imagine what a load it will be off your mind. Hobbling around hiding from yourself will only keep you feeling weak and uncertain about what you deserve or don't deserve. Standing up straight on your own two feet and saying, "Yes, I did this, I am sorry, I will make up the damage to you, please help me understand what you need from me, because I am an adult now and I know I'm able to do it," is the most empowering thing you will ever say.
None of you deserved to be harmed. Not a single one of you. This is a really important post and I appreciate your bravery and vulnerability. I hear your pain and just want you to know I am with you. You got swept up in some really outrageous propaganda,
And I’m incredibly glad for you that you got out alive and intact. You have healing to do, but that’s the human condition, love. I hope in time that you can forgive yourself and learn to be gentle with yourself. 🤗
The truth is that you have been hurt by the power & the evil of the cult that is trans ideology! You are very brave to share your experience here as it does make you feel vulnerable & guilty.
It would have been every parents wish, who have children that are trans & have medicalized &/or had surgeries, that our kids had made your decision to desist.
Brush off the feelings of guilt & know that you can make a difference now!! If fact, you already have by showing a way back, difficult as it may be.
You are worthy of enjoying your life like right now & believe me, all those that you have hurt will forgive you! Feel free to say sorry & you will find the love & acceptance that you are looking for!
You have helped people. You are one less person walking around spreading lies. One less person does have a ripple effect. One more person to identify with in ways that are not “gender” related.
This wasn’t your fault, people lied to you and your friends. Adults lied and spread the lies. And left you all alone to care for one another. None of this is your fault.
If you never heard the lie, you would have never made those choices.
The harm caused from this lie doesn’t just make cuts with a surgical knife and cause damage with a medication. It cuts and harms the bonds with have with loved ones like nothing I’ve seen before. It harms the thoughts of anyone involved.
You have been harmed and left to fend for yourself and find your own way. It’s a lot. What was done to you was so wrong. And the ones who started the lie should be held accountable for the damage they have done to you.
Good for you for finding your way and taking care of yourself. You shouldn’t have had to do that, the adults who lied should have been looking out of you so you could have enjoyed growing up and being a kid.
You don’t owe anyone anything for the lie this harm has caused.
Getting things out of your head is helpful. I hope writing this was for you. May the truth you found with this protect you in the future.
Dear One, I think that you need to forgive yourself. No one in this life is perfect, we all fall short in one way or another. I am the grandmother of 3 mentally ill young adults who are still on the path that you turned away from. They have turned their backs to me, i have no contact with them at this point in time, but I pray for them always. Because of people such as yourself, eyes are being opened all around us. As the lawsuits happen, and the politics change, as people awaken, there will be a reckoning in the world, and you are part of the change. Accept, dear One, that you are part of a big picture that we do not understand, but you will find your way through. My story is that I was in a family of six children whose father was a pedophile. He abused us all in one degree or another. As our stories unfolded in later life, I realized that even though I was second to the oldest, i had been abused to a lesser degree than my younger brothers and sisters. I was devastated that I had not known what our father had done to my siblings and had not been able to protect them as I adored them. How could I reconcile myself to my failure as the older sister? I came to understand through reading the story of Jesus, that it was beyond my ability to redo the past no matter how it hurt. I saw that I was a child myself, that I was not responsible for the horrific treatment that my beloved ones had undergone. I finally understood that I was forgiven. My father's fate is in the hands of God, (if he were still alive today, I would hope he would be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.) but that by my acceptance of Christ, I can be at peace, no matter the circumstances. You will see what your future holds, you will be shown if you look for the truth. You shared your story here, thank you. You give friends and families of those still enmeshed in this evil ideology hope. Love, Indio
Please tell your story, go public. Sons & daughters inmersed in this cult need to hear stories like yours. Because they have and are being told every single minute of their lives that desisters "DON'T EXIST, THEY ARE NOT REAL, MAYBE JUST A FEW" They are even told that people like you are being paid to make up this stories. That people like you are Nazis. That's what parents like me are figthing against. Very powerful forces that have a grip on our children. Perhaps you were spared so you could help trans young adults to walk away from this cult. Do not be afraid, God is with you, He will lead you and protect you. God Bless you
Just writing and posting this essay is helping others, and I thank you for it. I also hope you keep on improving your own life because that is your first task - to make the most of your life. Helping others is wonderful, but should not come at the expense of your own life.
By reading this, parents like me have a little more hope that things can change. In my case, my daughter has already medicalized with synthetic testosterone (starting at 18 and she's 19 now), but I would be so happy if she just stopped the harm and minimized the damage done.
Never feel guilty for any of this. You were a child who was lied to by all of the major institutions of society and many of those adults who you should have been able to trust as well as your peers. It's not your fault and you didn't deserve any of it. That you figured it out before suffering medical harm may be in part luck, but it is also in larger part due to your mental and emotional strength. I agree that those who haven't figured it out aren't "worse," but they are simply more vulnerable than you. That's life. Some people will go down darker paths than others and some will step back sooner than others - and those who suffer less need not feel guilty for it (but emotions are illogical so I understand why you might still have those feelings in the nature of "survivor guilt").
Lastly, I am sure your mother knows how you feel even if you never formally apologize to her - and she must be so happy you have desisted. You might feel guilty for not listening to her and calling her abusive, but the reality is, as a young person, you are supposed to separate from your parents and part of that, unfortunately, often involves trusting other people, including your peers, over your parents during adolescence. I remind myself of this on a daily basis so that I don't get too angry at my daughter for accusing me of being abusive and "brainwashed" and for not trusting me over the forces that are obviously (or not so obviously) lying to her.
OP, your feelings are legitimate. I wonder how many other kids my own daughter has influenced and it fills me with horror. I believe you were spared for a reason. It's your job not to keep looking backward on what you could have or should have done then. It's your job now to figure out why you were spared and what you can now do with that gift you were given. What you do with it may end up having nothing to do with trans identified people at all, and that's OK. It may be that you at some point feel brave enough to go public with your story. That's OK too. It may simply be that you were meant to live your life as you were born, fall in love and have children. That's OK. These are all wonderful life purposes. Rejoice that you were spared, have empathy for those that weren't, and live your life to its fullest, with an aim toward finding that purpose that is greater than yourself. Best of luck, OP. I am praying and happy for you.
You are not at fault! How were you "protected" but my daughter, who is deep in trans ideology, is "not protected." Our daughter has had every inch of love from her parents and family, the best life, a Christian college with school abroad in Switzerland! Great boyfriends, great friends, popular, pretty and supported! She was protected as much as any daughter can be in this tech age! Yet, all in her own, all of our warnings, she has embraced trans ideology (T and a double mastectomy in 2 years time) all on her own!!! You had nothing to do with her choices. If anyone is to blame its me and her father, who missed something. It was our job to protect her, not yours! You are a hero for walking away from this very powerful, insidious movement. You are a beacon of hope for parents! You are a victim, just like our daughter. You should be so proud of yourself! You made it out.
It is so common for us parents to blame ourselves too. It sounds like you provided wonderful life to your daughter and she still got sucked into this... You shouldn't blame yourself; you most likely did the best you could, and so did I, and so did many parents out there. It's so hard not to feel we failed, but this evil ideology is so much bigger than people think.
Thank you. I guess if we blame ourselves, we give ourselves the belief that we can change things. If we caused it, we can "uncause" it." I know that's not true but the feeling of helplessness is so overwhelming. Today my mom suggested I go light a candle tomorrow at church. And light one every day until she returns to us. it's worth a try.
The ripple effect works with both good and evil. Your support of the ideology may have had negative, far-reaching consequences. Conversely, your speaking up against it can have very positive far-reaching consequences. Perhaps that is why you have been spared, to share your experience, as well as your love for those who were also hurt (and who then hurt others by turning away from those who loved them) by this ideology. May God bless you and keep you close to His Sacred Heart.
There is a reason the biggest supporters of stopping this madness are detransitioners and parents whose children have harmed themselves through medicalization. It is too late for either detransitioners or our children, but we want to fiercely protect kids like you. When you say that your family and your state prevented you from medicalizing, that is a huge reward for our efforts. We have worked tirelessly towards legislation that stops harm, and also providing support to help parents, like yours, stand firm against the push to medicalize their children. You don't owe anyone speaking up or helping people. Maybe one day you will feel ready to speak to other young people about your experiences. I would suggest giving your parents this article to read. I suspect it would mean so much to them.
thank you for writing this. I blamed the girl who pushed my son into this for a long time but I realize now she was just a kid. I blame the doctors, therapist, government, schools and especially the endocrinologists that know better.
These comments are hopefully encouraging, but I know from my own experience of survivor’s guilt that, if it were me, it wouldn’t have helped very much. That guilt is more than a thought or perspective on your situation. It’s a deep wound that pierces your soul. The beginning of healing certainly involves changing your perspective, so these comments might be helpful, but I’m praying for healing for you - a deep healing that will lead you to acceptance and beyond. I hope you have a good counselor to guide you through this process. If not, I would strongly recommend that you get one. This isn’t something that you should tackle alone.
Thank you for giving us hope that some of our young people will heal.
The Lord God is merciful and gracious, and extends this free gift to everyone. We are all sinners and have all chosen to be selfish and sinful at some point. Romans 3:23 Because of this, we all deserve judgment because of our sin, Romans 6:23, but the Lord sent his son Jesus Christ to be born and to live a sinless life and to die the death we deserve. Romans 5:8 He took our place so that we can be adopted as God‘s children and be welcomed into heaven with him for all eternity. We experience a guilt given by the Lord that brings us to sorrow over the sin we’ve committed; our selfishness, our pride, etc., which leads us to the humility. 2 Corinthians 7:10 We need to ask the Lord and others to forgive us. When we cry out to him this way in our brokenness, he quickly surrounds us with his love and grace and compassion and restores us to a right relationship with Him because of His great love for us. 1John 1:9. Romans 10:9 When we receive His mercy, we experience the freedom and His unconditional love to walk forward in peace in our relationships with others and with Him. Roman 8:1, Romans 10:13.
He is the only perfect father. He desires that all would turn away from their sinfulness and become his children. This beautiful gift is for all people once we become his children through this adoption made possible by Jesus‘s death and resurrection, we can joyfully share this news with others that they too, may walk in freedom and peace. Looking forward to the day they are greeted in heaven by Him. May you feel his peace today as you see him and share this great truth with all you know! Much like a cure for a terminal illness, we would never keep it to ourselves, but urgently and freely share with all we know and come in contact with. This good news was shared with me long ago when I was in college and chose to walk in great darkness, he rescued me and gave me a new life that I never deserved. 💐💒
"I never apologized because I am too afraid to talk about it."
You need to apologize to your parents and siblings. You can't begin healing emotionally or psychologically until you do. That's why this is one of the core steps of 12-step recovery from addiction.
Yes, it's scary to take that step. Of course it is. But as long as you allow yourself to keep hiding from what you've done and taking full 100% responsibility for it, you will continue to drown in guilt, to feel weak and confused and scared and uncertain about yourself and what you deserve or don't deserve.
And you will continue to be vulnerable to the next cult, because cults prey on those feelings of uncertainty.
My brother spent six years in the Satanic panic. When he came out of it, he wanted my parents to take him back with no explanations, no apologies, nothing. They did. So he never healed. He is now 65 years old and has joined the Trans panic. He learned nothing from his last experience, because he hid from facing what he'd done and taking responsibility for it.
Don't be him.
Go to your parents.
NOW.
Tell them you're sorry. Tell them you've been afraid to apologize because you were too afraid to talk about it. Tell them everything you said here. Tell them everything.
They love you, and they will help you get through this.
But you have to do it.
And you can't imagine what a load it will be off your mind. Hobbling around hiding from yourself will only keep you feeling weak and uncertain about what you deserve or don't deserve. Standing up straight on your own two feet and saying, "Yes, I did this, I am sorry, I will make up the damage to you, please help me understand what you need from me, because I am an adult now and I know I'm able to do it," is the most empowering thing you will ever say.
That is your touchstone. For life.
Best advice ever.
None of you deserved to be harmed. Not a single one of you. This is a really important post and I appreciate your bravery and vulnerability. I hear your pain and just want you to know I am with you. You got swept up in some really outrageous propaganda,
And I’m incredibly glad for you that you got out alive and intact. You have healing to do, but that’s the human condition, love. I hope in time that you can forgive yourself and learn to be gentle with yourself. 🤗
The truth is that you have been hurt by the power & the evil of the cult that is trans ideology! You are very brave to share your experience here as it does make you feel vulnerable & guilty.
It would have been every parents wish, who have children that are trans & have medicalized &/or had surgeries, that our kids had made your decision to desist.
Brush off the feelings of guilt & know that you can make a difference now!! If fact, you already have by showing a way back, difficult as it may be.
You are worthy of enjoying your life like right now & believe me, all those that you have hurt will forgive you! Feel free to say sorry & you will find the love & acceptance that you are looking for!
Bless you & all the death cult sufferers...
You have helped people. You are one less person walking around spreading lies. One less person does have a ripple effect. One more person to identify with in ways that are not “gender” related.
This wasn’t your fault, people lied to you and your friends. Adults lied and spread the lies. And left you all alone to care for one another. None of this is your fault.
If you never heard the lie, you would have never made those choices.
The harm caused from this lie doesn’t just make cuts with a surgical knife and cause damage with a medication. It cuts and harms the bonds with have with loved ones like nothing I’ve seen before. It harms the thoughts of anyone involved.
You have been harmed and left to fend for yourself and find your own way. It’s a lot. What was done to you was so wrong. And the ones who started the lie should be held accountable for the damage they have done to you.
Good for you for finding your way and taking care of yourself. You shouldn’t have had to do that, the adults who lied should have been looking out of you so you could have enjoyed growing up and being a kid.
You don’t owe anyone anything for the lie this harm has caused.
Getting things out of your head is helpful. I hope writing this was for you. May the truth you found with this protect you in the future.
Dear One, I think that you need to forgive yourself. No one in this life is perfect, we all fall short in one way or another. I am the grandmother of 3 mentally ill young adults who are still on the path that you turned away from. They have turned their backs to me, i have no contact with them at this point in time, but I pray for them always. Because of people such as yourself, eyes are being opened all around us. As the lawsuits happen, and the politics change, as people awaken, there will be a reckoning in the world, and you are part of the change. Accept, dear One, that you are part of a big picture that we do not understand, but you will find your way through. My story is that I was in a family of six children whose father was a pedophile. He abused us all in one degree or another. As our stories unfolded in later life, I realized that even though I was second to the oldest, i had been abused to a lesser degree than my younger brothers and sisters. I was devastated that I had not known what our father had done to my siblings and had not been able to protect them as I adored them. How could I reconcile myself to my failure as the older sister? I came to understand through reading the story of Jesus, that it was beyond my ability to redo the past no matter how it hurt. I saw that I was a child myself, that I was not responsible for the horrific treatment that my beloved ones had undergone. I finally understood that I was forgiven. My father's fate is in the hands of God, (if he were still alive today, I would hope he would be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.) but that by my acceptance of Christ, I can be at peace, no matter the circumstances. You will see what your future holds, you will be shown if you look for the truth. You shared your story here, thank you. You give friends and families of those still enmeshed in this evil ideology hope. Love, Indio
Please tell your story, go public. Sons & daughters inmersed in this cult need to hear stories like yours. Because they have and are being told every single minute of their lives that desisters "DON'T EXIST, THEY ARE NOT REAL, MAYBE JUST A FEW" They are even told that people like you are being paid to make up this stories. That people like you are Nazis. That's what parents like me are figthing against. Very powerful forces that have a grip on our children. Perhaps you were spared so you could help trans young adults to walk away from this cult. Do not be afraid, God is with you, He will lead you and protect you. God Bless you
I agree, it is never too late to help others. Dark forces hate the light, be the light, there is still time to save others.
Just writing and posting this essay is helping others, and I thank you for it. I also hope you keep on improving your own life because that is your first task - to make the most of your life. Helping others is wonderful, but should not come at the expense of your own life.
By reading this, parents like me have a little more hope that things can change. In my case, my daughter has already medicalized with synthetic testosterone (starting at 18 and she's 19 now), but I would be so happy if she just stopped the harm and minimized the damage done.
Never feel guilty for any of this. You were a child who was lied to by all of the major institutions of society and many of those adults who you should have been able to trust as well as your peers. It's not your fault and you didn't deserve any of it. That you figured it out before suffering medical harm may be in part luck, but it is also in larger part due to your mental and emotional strength. I agree that those who haven't figured it out aren't "worse," but they are simply more vulnerable than you. That's life. Some people will go down darker paths than others and some will step back sooner than others - and those who suffer less need not feel guilty for it (but emotions are illogical so I understand why you might still have those feelings in the nature of "survivor guilt").
Lastly, I am sure your mother knows how you feel even if you never formally apologize to her - and she must be so happy you have desisted. You might feel guilty for not listening to her and calling her abusive, but the reality is, as a young person, you are supposed to separate from your parents and part of that, unfortunately, often involves trusting other people, including your peers, over your parents during adolescence. I remind myself of this on a daily basis so that I don't get too angry at my daughter for accusing me of being abusive and "brainwashed" and for not trusting me over the forces that are obviously (or not so obviously) lying to her.
OP, your feelings are legitimate. I wonder how many other kids my own daughter has influenced and it fills me with horror. I believe you were spared for a reason. It's your job not to keep looking backward on what you could have or should have done then. It's your job now to figure out why you were spared and what you can now do with that gift you were given. What you do with it may end up having nothing to do with trans identified people at all, and that's OK. It may be that you at some point feel brave enough to go public with your story. That's OK too. It may simply be that you were meant to live your life as you were born, fall in love and have children. That's OK. These are all wonderful life purposes. Rejoice that you were spared, have empathy for those that weren't, and live your life to its fullest, with an aim toward finding that purpose that is greater than yourself. Best of luck, OP. I am praying and happy for you.
You are not at fault! How were you "protected" but my daughter, who is deep in trans ideology, is "not protected." Our daughter has had every inch of love from her parents and family, the best life, a Christian college with school abroad in Switzerland! Great boyfriends, great friends, popular, pretty and supported! She was protected as much as any daughter can be in this tech age! Yet, all in her own, all of our warnings, she has embraced trans ideology (T and a double mastectomy in 2 years time) all on her own!!! You had nothing to do with her choices. If anyone is to blame its me and her father, who missed something. It was our job to protect her, not yours! You are a hero for walking away from this very powerful, insidious movement. You are a beacon of hope for parents! You are a victim, just like our daughter. You should be so proud of yourself! You made it out.
It is so common for us parents to blame ourselves too. It sounds like you provided wonderful life to your daughter and she still got sucked into this... You shouldn't blame yourself; you most likely did the best you could, and so did I, and so did many parents out there. It's so hard not to feel we failed, but this evil ideology is so much bigger than people think.
Thank you. I guess if we blame ourselves, we give ourselves the belief that we can change things. If we caused it, we can "uncause" it." I know that's not true but the feeling of helplessness is so overwhelming. Today my mom suggested I go light a candle tomorrow at church. And light one every day until she returns to us. it's worth a try.
Tell your story it will help others. 🙏
The ripple effect works with both good and evil. Your support of the ideology may have had negative, far-reaching consequences. Conversely, your speaking up against it can have very positive far-reaching consequences. Perhaps that is why you have been spared, to share your experience, as well as your love for those who were also hurt (and who then hurt others by turning away from those who loved them) by this ideology. May God bless you and keep you close to His Sacred Heart.
There is a reason the biggest supporters of stopping this madness are detransitioners and parents whose children have harmed themselves through medicalization. It is too late for either detransitioners or our children, but we want to fiercely protect kids like you. When you say that your family and your state prevented you from medicalizing, that is a huge reward for our efforts. We have worked tirelessly towards legislation that stops harm, and also providing support to help parents, like yours, stand firm against the push to medicalize their children. You don't owe anyone speaking up or helping people. Maybe one day you will feel ready to speak to other young people about your experiences. I would suggest giving your parents this article to read. I suspect it would mean so much to them.
thank you for writing this. I blamed the girl who pushed my son into this for a long time but I realize now she was just a kid. I blame the doctors, therapist, government, schools and especially the endocrinologists that know better.