Teens taking their lives while being on Testosterone

Ilene was an extraordinary child. Despite being on the autism spectrum, she excelled in many areas. She was a brilliant student, an accomplished musician who played five instruments, a polyglot, speaking four languages, and a dedicated athlete with double black belts in Tang Soo Do. She lost her father to cancer when she was only 12 years old. Around this time, I began noticing scars from self-harm, which I immediately addressed with her pediatrician. The doctor recommended getting a dog and, after we brought Ginger into our lives, the self-harming stopped.

The pandemic changed everything. Like many teenagers, Ilene spent more time online and, during that time, she declared that she was bisexual, then a lesbian, then non-binary, and eventually, in 2021, my 16-year-old girly girl, out of blue, decided she was transgender. At the time, I didn't fully understand what being transgender meant and the information I found online seemed to support affirmation as the only correct approach. In a panic, afraid of losing my daughter, I agreed to use male pronouns and helped her legally change her name to Raven.

Months later, after learning more about the potential dangers of hormone therapy and the irreversible effects of social transitioning, I realized I had made a huge mistake by affirming her transition. I had a difficult conversation with her, letting her know that I could no longer support the trans identity. She had always disliked her birth name, so I agreed that she could keep her new name, but I refused to go any further. She cried but eventually agreed. I made sure she knew that she would no longer be allowed to wear male clothing, but she could still dress in a gender-neutral way. I showed her documentaries about the side effects of hormones and surgery, hoping to give her a broader perspective.

In 2023 Ilene was accepted to Rider University with a full tuition scholarship majoring in actuarial science. I was overjoyed at her success and supported her however I could, driving to New Jersey from Connecticut whenever needed despite poor weather conditions.

Due to her official diagnosis of depression and anxiety she was allowed to bring her dog to campus for emotional support, but after a noise complaint, the university insisted the dog be removed.

We had an agreement that she would focus on her studies and avoid getting caught up in any further discussions about gender identity, and I would cover her food and housing costs.

However, when I visited her during a family day at Rider University, I was devastated by how entrenched she had become in gender ideology. She barely acknowledged me and seemed completely consumed by her new identity. I realized that I no longer had any influence over her, and I told her that if she continued down this path, she would need to support herself financially. She posted about it on TikTok, where her friends encouraged her to cut me off.

A few days later, I received a call from the Department of Children and Families (DCF). A transgender pastor at Hartford Metropolitan Church in Connecticut, Aaron Miller, who also worked at a gender clinic, filed a complaint against me for being "abusive " toward my "son" for not affirming his gender identity. Later on, I would discover it was most probably the therapist Ilene saw at the Pride center in New Jersey who had introduced her to this "kindhearted" pastor.

I had to hire a lawyer to defend myself, and the case was dismissed when it became clear that there was no case to pursue. Despite that, the influence of these professionals on my daughter was undeniable, and I was left feeling helpless.

Though our relationship was strained, the very next day I drove to New Jersey to offer to co-sign a student loan for her and wish her happy 18th birthday, but she refused to see me. She said she didn't feel safe around me and security guards made me leave the campus. After that, I stopped contacting her directly, but I still followed her on social media, hoping to track how she was doing. I saw that she had a boyfriend and that she continued to see a psychiatrist.

Now, when going through her paperwork that I finally got access to, I discovered, besides all her friends, every adult in her life seemed to have been affirming her transition behind my back for the last several years. Her high school teachers and her Tang Soo Do coaches, college professors, pastor and even therapists fully endorsed her transgender identity. Imagine, how a confused teen with ASD would react if everyone affirmed her except her mom, who had been the closest person to her before this madness. Mom would become an "enemy", wouldn't she?

Overall, my daughter saw two therapists: one in Connecticut before she left for Rider University and another one at Pride Center in New Jersey. And neither of them asked her the very simple questions: Why did you decide you are a boy? What else is going on in your life? Could social contagion be a factor? Do you understand the medical ramifications? Do you understand some changes are irreversible? The lack of scrutiny in their assessments is deeply concerning. Instead, the therapist from Pride center sent a referral letter to endocrinologist in Connecticut.

In June 2024, I received a notification from CVS that testosterone had been prescribed to her. I immediately cut her off my insurance, but it was too late. I knew that testosterone could exacerbate depression and lead to a greater risk of suicidal ideation. I was terrified.

Her very first visit at the endocrinologist was marked as a regular PCP visit. Nevertheless, the chart mentioned only history of depression and anxiety. Nothing about autism spectrum or self harm, nor were the scars on her arms and thighs noted. Apparently, the nurse practitioner did not examine my daughter, as she was supposed to. Instead, she prescribed her first dose of testosterone. On the second visit the dosage was increased.

In her referral letter to the surgical center, endocrinologist stated Ilene dreamt of being a boy since she was eight years old. I'm stunned how these professionals write letters like these just because an eighteen-year-old confused girl told them so. I can prove easily that my daughter was very proud to be a girl until at least age fifteen.

According to police report, Ilene's friends noticed the increase of depression in my daughter's behavior within several months of her first dose of “T” and they were "very concerned" about her difficulties with transition. However, nobody addressed that issue to the huge DEI department at Rider University.

On October 10th, her boyfriend broke up with her, and on October 14th, my daughter was found dead after she consumed too much Benadryl. She had been lying in her dorm room for four days while the university celebrated National Coming Out Weekend. How "valuable " was my daughter if nobody noticed her absence at such an important Pride event? How could that be possible? Is this really the standard of care for students, particularly those who are so vulnerable? Furthermore, Ilene was placed in a male-only dorm despite being a female student. How legitimate is it for a university to allow a young girl to be housed in a male dorm, especially given her mental health history and the fact that she was on hormones? These questions remain unanswered, and I am left wondering whether the university prioritized political correctness and ideology over the well-being of its students.

Almost three months later after my daughter's death the security guards "miraculously" found a death note the police department failed to find before. The note said:

I just want to make one thing clear: I didn't do this because I am on Testosterone. I don't want my death to be used as a reason to be transphobic. I did this because of all the trauma my mom has caused me. I've turned into a person I completely dislike, and no one believes I can get better, not even the person I love most. I am sorry. I've lost faith.

Raven (he/him/his)

This note shatters my heart. My daughter was in so much pain, feeling as though she was abandoned by the person who loved her most. The tragic irony is that my refusal to affirm her belief in being born in the wrong body, an action that came from a place of love and concern for her well-being, was considered traumatic or abusive by some. In the world we live in now, it seems that a mother's love, her desire to protect and preserve the mental health of her child, is viewed as harmful if it doesn't align with the current narrative. It sounds like the refusal to affirm an identity that might not be fully understood is considered more harmful than the actual irreversible decisions that young people are encouraged to make in the name of affirmation.

There were more reasons for Ilene to take her life much earlier, for example, in the spring of 2024 as she faced immense challenges: no money, no access to testosterone, no prospect of top surgery, and even a temporary breakup with her boyfriend. Despite all of this, she did not take her life back then, even though she was still grappling with the so-called trauma attributed to me.

Fast forward to October 2024, her circumstances had improved significantly: yes, her boyfriend broke up with her again, but she was living in a male dorm just the way she wanted, had $9,000 in her bank account, she had a job, Medicaid approval, access to testosterone, and top surgery scheduled for December 23rd. Yet, in this improved scenario, she tragically carried out her suicidal ideation.

The key difference? Testosterone. It played a significant role in worsening her depression, ultimately pushing her to take this irreversible step.

My daughter's death is not an isolated case. Besides Ilene, I know of two other girls, of the same age, who were on hormones and took their lives in the same period. It is clear to me that the affirmation of trans identity can have catastrophic results. In Ilene's case, she was not just another case of a teenager going through typical teenage turmoil. She was a young girl who was never fully allowed to explore her identity without external pressure, who was given hormones that exacerbated her depression, and who, in her most vulnerable moments, was left with little support.

As I review the statistics, they are alarming. According to UNICEF, the suicide rate for teens aged 15-19 in Azerbaijan, where I am originally from, is 5 per 100,000 people. In contrast, the suicide rate in the United States for the same age group has tripled. What is it that makes the suicide rate so much higher in the U.S.? Could it be the way we are allowing confused adolescents to be pressured into irreversible medical procedures? Could it be that the gender-affirming care model, which is often pushed onto vulnerable kids, is exacerbating their mental health struggles, rather than addressing the root causes?

I am raising concerns about current psychotherapy standards for adolescents with gender dysphoria. Are psychotherapists affirming new gender identities immediately, or encouraging thorough exploration of underlying feelings before conclusions are made?

Could the protocols be revised for prescribing treatments like testosterone to adolescents, especially when these drugs are not FDA-approved for such use? Safeguards should ensure decisions are based on comprehensive evaluations of patients' mental and medical histories.

Additionally, while a federal bill was signed affirming the existence of only two biological sexes and restricting biological males from women's sports, implementation in my state's schools appears lacking.

I'm also concerned about how some college DEI programs promote gender ideology, such as allowing females in male-only dorms, potentially harming students' mental health.

I would also like to draw attention to Pastor Aaron Miller, a transgender man who helped file a DCF complaint against me so that Ilene could receive state assistance. From what I understand, this is not the first queer pastor working for both a church and a gender clinic who has stepped in to "help" a confused teen.

I am left wondering how many more teens this individual has influenced and what is happening within certain churches displaying transgender flags and supporting these ideologies. I cannot recall any statement in the Bible suggesting that God would agree with the idea that children are born in the wrong bodies.

Also, several months before Ilene took her life, there was a disturbing post of hers on Tik Tok about movie she watched: I Saw the TV Glow. It is a 2024 American psychological horror drama film written and directed by Jane Schoenbrun. It shows two troubled high school students whose connection to their favorite television show drives them to question their reality and identities. This kind of movie could potentially influence any confused teen to make the wrong irreversible choice to end life.

Last, but not least, I wanted to mention I am concerned about the easy access to over-the-counter drugs like Benadryl. There appears to be no system for auditing the number of boxes purchased by individuals. This is especially alarming given the recent Benadryl challenge trend on TikTok, which has tragically resulted in several teen deaths. With rising mental health challenges across the U.S., tighter control and monitoring of these drugs are crucial to preventing misuse and protecting vulnerable people.

My daughter is gone, but her story must be heard. I hope that by sharing it, I can help save other children from the tragic fate that befell Ilene and countless others. A balanced, thoughtful approach that prioritizes mental health, student safety, and critical inquiry is essential to protect vulnerable young adults.

Your voice can help amplify this important conversation, and I believe together we can make a difference. Thank you for listening and for any support you can offer in honoring Ilene's memory.