The Dangers of Affirmation

I recently recalled a documentary I watched years ago, one I didn't think much of at the time, but I have a lot of thoughts about now. I'll take you through one of the scenes that particularly disturbed me.

One of the kids interviewed in this documentary is Josie, an eight-year-old boy who believes he’s a girl, as does his family. Josie sits at the table with his mom as she paints his nails. From afar it may look like a normal young girl having fun with her mom, one you would have to be told is actually a boy. But their conversation paints a very different picture.

The mom starts their conversation saying, "I want to talk about puberty. Do you know what that means?" Josie excitedly answers, "getting boobs!" Followed by "and getting hair on your privates", a more gender neutral aspect of puberty, which he says in a less excited awkward voice as if he finds that aspect weird. The mom says "Josie, for you to get breasts you need to have estrogen. Your body won't do it by itself. Remember how your doctor was talking about it the other day? That you're gonna have to start getting the shots?" Josie winces at the word and groans, "I don't like shots. I wish they had medicine for shots." A typical childhood fear, although an adult would likely be more concerned about the other implications of taking estrogen at a young age. The mom responds to his lament "but that medicine you take, you have to take it from a shot." "To get boobs?" Josie asks, shocked. "Mm-hm." The expression on Josie's face was one of worry and dread. "You never told me that..."

It's clear that he was unaware of the implications of medicalizing his trans identity. To him, going through female puberty was something that would just happen to him. He wasn't told that his body's natural male puberty was what will happen. He was looking forward to developing breasts and feminine curves like some of his girl friends at school. He wasn't aware that him to develop “boobs”, a medical intervention is required and may be unpleasant.

After this initial shock, Josie continues with the comment, "I'm not gonna get surgery", as if not to acknowledge it as even a possibility. I assume that may be because he's afraid of surgery, which for a child is probably typical. His mom responds, "you can take a shot instead", failing to inform him that he would need to have vaginoplasty if he doesn't want to have a penis anymore, which, from other clips that I will discuss later, appears to be the case. It's clear the mom is still not disclosing the reality that the way he will have a feminine looking body is from invasive medical procedures. He is a young child and was just now told that he would have to take estrogen shots to look like a girl. Those shots, that he's already dreading, are just the beginning, not the end, yet he still has no idea.

The mom speaks to the camera in a clip, "people ask "how can I let "her" choose this? Isn't she too young?" To that I say, "I always knew I was a girl as a kid. Ever since I was four years old, I knew I was a girl. I could picture myself at that age. Josie knew "she" was a girl too"". To that I have to ask, could that be because he is under the impression that his body will become more feminine without medical intervention? Could it be because he is under the impression that a few dreaded shots will turn him into a girl? Could it be because he has seen growing up to be a girl as the truth? That going through male puberty isn't a possibility for him? Why?

The interviewer asks the mom "could this be a phase?" The mom says she, and even Josie, wanted it to be a phase, but this has lasted. Keep in mind that Josie is eight. The mom says it started at age four. So, this has persisted for four years. For reference, I personally desisted after four years and my family was never affirming; they never reinforced it. And I wasn't a little kid. I was a teenager, so still a child but developmentally and mentally a lot different than an eight-year-old. I don't believe that is enough time to determine if this is a phase.

The mom continues her conversation with Josie. "How do you feel about having a penis?" Josie laughs uncomfortably and says "grumpy". The mom asks him, "what do you wish would happen?" Josie responds, "just magically a vagina comes"; naive "magical" thinking from a child. But he is completely unaware of how it would actually happen - that it would require surgery and that, even then, he wouldn’t have a vagina. At best, if the surgery was successful, he would have something that might look like one. But surgery was something he said before he wasn't willing to do. The mom responds to his wish saying, "yeah that would be so nice", reinforcing that his penis is a "bad" thing and that getting a vagina would be a "good" thing. Josie says "It's wrong having a penis if you're a girl." The mom responds, "yeah, it doesn't make sense huh? It's kind of like a birth defect" to which Josie insists "it IS a birth defect." I find this to be an abusive and disturbing thing to say to a young child - that his healthy body parts are a "birth defect." Josie is already insecure about his male body. He internalizes what his mom says about his body and feels it even stronger than she does. Because to him that is the truth. His body is indeed wrong. This is what his own mom told him and likely what his doctors told him.

The interviewer asks the mom "do you think the fact there is treatment to help Josie become a girl could be encouraging "her" to become one?" The mom answers that if Josie was not able to transition, he would most likely kill himself in the long run. She backs this up with a very disturbing story about how she caught Josie in the bathroom holding nail clippers to his penis, seemingly ready to cut it. If this story is true, that would suggest that Josie has a serious mental health problem, perhaps caused or reinforced by his parents. Even if we give this mother the benefit of the doubt and say that she did not bring this up and is just trying to protect her child from himself, I believe how she is handling this is abusive.

By agreeing that Josie’s healthy body parts are "birth defect", by framing having a female body as being a good thing and a male body as a bad thing, by insisting there is no future for him in which he is not a girl - she is teaching him to hate his body. This child believes that his body is wrong, to the point of wanting to mutilate himself even without the help of a doctor, and his family encourages it. This has led him to permanent medical interventions attempting to affirm a lie for the sake of "protecting" him.

Is there another option?

Another kid interviewed in this documentary is Kyla, a young boy who identifies as a girl and is affirmed by his family. They show scenes of him shopping for girl’s clothing, getting highlights in his hair at a salon, and playing and dancing at his house. I don't mean to put this label on a child because this isn't set in stone and he's quite young, but to me it seems like his speech and mannerisms are that of a young gay boy. But there's a key difference between an effeminate boy and Kyla. Kyla says to the interviewer "if I had to live as a boy I would probably die" which he says in a lighthearted tone of voice but the implication is dark. Mental health issues seem to be a key difference between these trans-identifed kids and gender nonconforming kids.

After seeing this, I have to ask, what does Kyla believe a girl to be? Is he under the impression that if he had to be a boy he couldn't wear skirts, do his hair, and dance? When Josie's mom discussed his mental health which we know is poor, she says that the reason he would consider suicide is if "he never got to grow out his hair or pierce his ears or change his name." Is that what he believes is what being a girl is? Does he feel unable to do that as a boy? Can a gender non-confirming boy be just that?

When I was a kid, I hated being a girl. Why? Mainly because of what it implied I could and could not do. I was only allowed to wear uncomfortable dresses to fancy events. My favorite shoes I found in a store were for boys, so I wasn't allowed to get them. I was told not to play near mud or climb trees. Boys didn't have to wear bras or get their period or shave their legs and armpits. Boys were stronger. To me, being a girl was like a prison and being a boy meant freedom. I was also suicidal as a kid. And perhaps those two elements together would have caused a doctor to believe they were related; that the cause of my mental health issues were because I was "a boy trapped in a girl’s body." And if I was told as a kid that my body was the cause of my pain, I'm sure I would grow to hate it.

My body hatred increased when I was telling myself that my body was indeed wrong and needed to be fixed. I should have been reinforcing that there is nothing wrong with my body and my hatred for it is emotionally based and not rational. But instead of teaching these kids that there is nothing wrong with their bodies, some parents push the idea that their healthy bodies need to be fixed, and at a young age. It's no wonder these kids spiral down even further from original discomfort.