The Rise of Wizard Rights

There have always been con men peddling snake oil, and the usual gullible suspects are ready and willing to take up a new preposterous cause. In the year 2035, after the gender clinics have been closed, what will be next?

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“We must stop targeting vulnerable young wizards.” So says one of the speakers at a first-of-its-kind Wizard Convention. In this convention, politicians, doctors, online influencers, and wizard activists have expressed unconditional support for “wizard rights”, the rights of self-declared wizards to be respected and acknowledged for who they are.

The number of self-declared wizards has surged in recent years. Years ago, there were only a handful of wizards - mostly middle-aged men who discovered late in life that they were not “mundanes” (the wizard name for non-wizards), they were wizards! Now kids as young as four years old are surprising their parents with the statement, “Mom, Dad - I’m a wizard!” New subreddit groups are starting every day!

How do these kids know they are wizards? It’s an inner feeling of self, and if a child feels it, the only treatment is to start “wizard affirmation care” or “WAC”, prescribed by wizard doctors. Wizard clinics are opening everywhere! The care starts with a daily cocktail of legal drugs that are used in an off-label way: It’s typically a special mix of LSD, anabolic steroids, thalidomide, and fentanyl, all used to enhance wizard capabilities. Surgical modifications include lopping off body parts and reshaping them into humps, tails, fangs, beards, wings, and just about anything a wizard can think of. Most wizard doctors are former gender doctors, so they are ready and eager to experiment on healthy bodies, never mind the harm. Wizards are very secretive about their magic, and will not demonstrate it to non-believers, but find their magic is very helpful in sports.

Some skeptics are concerned that this new “wizard industry” is too similar to the old “gender industry”, where kids as young as five years old would claim they were “born in the wrong body”, and gender doctors would give them drugs and perform surgeries so these kids could “live their authentic life”. With no biological basis for such claims and no evidence of improved mental health, the gender industry fell apart under a wave of lawsuits followed by criminal trials where hundreds of doctors were charged with gross negligence, making death threats against children, and advocating suicide, though many doctors escaped jail-time claiming they were just following AMA-approved “standards of care”. The “following standards of care” defense does sound reminiscent of the “just following orders” defense of another era. In any case, the gender clinics were abandoned and closed.

But those same doctors have been waiting for the next big thing, and are now back as “wizard doctors”, often opening clinics in the same offices inhabited by the old gender clinics. The AMA and AAP are enthusiastic supporters of wizard medicine even though wizardry has no foundation in biology or any science or reality. Dr. Johanna Olson-Kennedy has been released from prison and has been an early supporter of wizard rights and now routinely asks concerned parents, “Do you want a dead mundane child or a live wizard?” The good doctor also completed a study allegedly proving the benefits of “WAC”, but has withheld publication for unknown reasons. The AAP, has issued a statement, “We will continue to support the well-being of all young wizards and access to high-quality care that meets their needs.” John Oliver has also expressed an opinion - “To the extent that some young people are just exploring their wizard identity, how exactly is that a bad thing?”

New wizards now state that anyone who doesn’t support them is a bigot. These wizard-wannabes don’t really know what “bigot” means, except that a bigot is a bad person and it’s fun to call someone who disagrees with you a bigot.

Wizard activists also now support letting wizards, beefed up on anabolic steroids, compete in all sports, even though athletes who are not wizards are at a serious disadvantage. However, a former Olympian and recently revealed wizard made the controversial statement that wizards should not be allowed to compete in the Olympics. “It’s a question of fairness” the Olympian stated on Fox News.

California and other states have recently passed laws to recognize wizards. All new driver’s licenses now have a new category, “Magic Status” with possible values “Wizard” or “Mundane”. Wizards may apply to have their birth certificate altered to state “Wizard”.

Wizards will not debate wizard rights, so wizards are here to stay! Celebrate all the new wizards and rejoice in their newfound identity at the Wizard Convention!

In the year 2035…