Trans Training Seminar
Welcome! It is our pleasure to announce the “Trans Training Seminar” - the guidance those newly identifying as trans must have! This week-long seminar will teach the underserved trans community everything they need to know to be truly trans. Our exciting course offerings include: “Talking Nonsense”, “New Trans Vocabulary”, “How To Be a Girly Trans Girl”, “How to Be a Manly Trans Man”, and “Words and Phrases To Be Offended By”. Pass these courses and you’ll receive our special trans diploma and be ready to present to the world! Descriptions for the courses are below.
Talking Nonsense 101 - Who needs logic? You don’t! You’re trans! We’ll teach you some stock phrases that will leave everyone completely stumped! Things like “I just know”, “I don’t want to wait because then I would have to wait”, and “I think I’m a boy/girl/moose/snowman/stop sign/(whatever)”. We’ll teach you how to furrow your eyebrows and scream these statements with conviction so everyone will think you’re enlightened and thoughtful.
New Trans Vocabulary 102 - Learn the new meaning for old words like “identify”, “transition” and “queer” and some new ones like “cis”. If you see a man and his dog, we’ll teach you to say, “Good dog. Are you cis-male, trans-male, cis-female, or trans-female? Or maybe you identify as a trans cat?” We’ll teach you how “transition” can be used for any change where you want to hide the grisly details. You will practice saying, “Did your aging grandfather transition to the local graveyard? Did our neighbor transition to the unemployment line? A relative’s home transitioned to ashes.” You’ll love your new vocabulary!
How To Be a Girly Trans Girl 103A - Are you born male who now identifies as a woman? This course is for you! We’ve captured all the lessons from the best finishing and charm schools around the world. You will learn all the outdated stereotypes for women, which are now back in fashion for trans women. The course covers basic and advanced cooking, housekeeping, childcare, and routines for the two hours per day you must spend on hair and makeup. You’ll watch episodes of “Leave it to Beaver” and “Father Knows Best” with an emphasis on the female roles. You’ll teach you to ditch your love of video games (sorry - girly girls don’t play video games) and embrace sewing. You’ll be a gender stereotypical woman in no time!
How To Be a Manly Trans Man 103B - Are you born female who now identifies as a man? This course is for you! It’s not enough that you have a beard; this course will teach all the hidden male stereotypes you probably don’t know about. It covers bathroom habits (always leave the toilet seat up, cut down on showers), alcohol consumption (beer, but not lite beer), proper behavior in public (“adjusting” yourself, scratching, backslapping, burping, ogling, butt-pinching, etc), and how to yell at the TV. This is what manly men do, and you’ll get to practice all these new behaviors! You’ll watch episodes of old westerns like Bonanza, Gunsmoke and The Lone Ranger to learn about all things manly!
Words and Phrases To Be Offended By 104 - Outrage! You will learn how to be outraged by all sorts of words and phrases, starting with your birth name, that name you’ve heard lovingly for years. Of course, it’s preposterous to be outraged when you hear your birth name but we’ll coach you on how to gin up the anger. You’ll be scowling in no time! Other offensive words that require instant anger are “science”, “biology”, “reality”, “sex”, “gender ideology”, “cult”, “detransition”, “sterilization”, “truth”, etc. These are bad words! You will practice being outraged with feedback provided by your classmates. You’ll receive tips on the proper angry body language for your new gender.
School Rules - While attending this seminar, you must follow all seminar rules. Questions about the relevance of your new gender stereotypes are not allowed. Backsliding into habits of your former gender is not allowed. Independent thought is discouraged. You are here to learn.
Warning - Any thoughts that you are an individual with a unique set of masculine, feminine, and/or gender neutral traits and attributes are blasphemous and may result in immediate expulsion from this seminar. You are not allowed to think beyond the stereotypes of the gender you have now chosen.
Final Pledge Requirements - At the end of the course work, you must pledge to police your trans classmates and report any deviation from the stated gender stereotypes to the trans police (social media). You will also be monitored for signs of individual thought by your classmates.
In your graduation ceremony, trans women receive a pink hat and trans men receive a football helmet. Sign up today!
Price: $30,000 for week-long seminar. Cash only, non-refundable.
I thought that trans men got an itty-bitty axe to look like a manly woodcutter. The axe would, of course, not be full-sized because that would make trans men like like little teens. The axe, like the trans men, would be 3/4 size. Trans men are mostly 3/4 size manly woodmen.
Of course, the tchatchke for the trans women would need to be very very large. Trans women are often quite large, some over 6'0". So the attempt to look like a girlish ingénue requires some ingenue-ity. You need really big stuff to look small when you are 6'2" or so.
The seminar will start with "I pledge Allegiance to Trans flag and the community for which it stands".