Vacation as Escape
We started planning a dream vacation almost eight years ago when we celebrated our 15th anniversary with our first-ever tropical vacation. We enjoyed the time as a couple but kept thinking about how much our three children would have loved experiencing the ocean, rich ancient history, and amazing wildlife with us. That planted a seed and a savings account to make that dream a reality.
But a lot changes with kids in their second decade of life.
There is normal, healthy growth that makes us proud but causes scheduling challenges; teenagers in school and sports and young adults with careers and a small amount of PTO. Even the growth of our careers making it more difficult to take a week off of work.
Then the unwanted change. The kind that turns the vacation from a wonderful bonding experience to one of escaping the realities of life.
Our oldest has fallen so far away from the family that he causes much stress. Stress over whether or not to invite him to gatherings, whether or not he will come, whether or not we will offend him (spoiler, we will), whether or not I will have to ask him to leave, whether or not I will be able to function to attend other gatherings after seeing him. All of this stress makes the holidays a time I want to escape.
So, we did.
The four of us went on the vacation that we had planned for the five of us. We were incomplete.
We enjoyed the ocean and all its power but missed the excitement that he has for marine life. We encountered vibrant birds and unique mammals but missed his knowledge of animals to explain the details of each creature. We toured ancient ruins and learned about civilizations past, but I found myself longing for his inquisitiveness. The meals together, laughter, and new inside jokes are all memories to cherish. But something is missing from it all.
He was supposed to be with us. He was supposed to be a part of the memories. He was supposed to bond with us. It was supposed to be our one big vacation before they all start going their own ways in life.
But he has already gone his own way. In fact, "he" doesn't even exist right now. "He" believes he is a "she."
How can I both miss him and need to escape him?
I guess it is him I miss and "her" I need to escape.
This was supposed to be the vacation of a lifetime, not an escape of our lives.
This is our life now. In every moment of joy, there is grief. In every memory of love, there is sadness.
How I pray that he will return and our family will once again be complete. That we will no longer have a reality we feel we need to escape.
‘In every moment of joy, there is grief. In every memory of love, there is sadness. ‘ very well articulated.
I totally understand your feelings. Incomplete. I had many meltdowns over the Holiday season, this is the 3rd year without my son who believes he is a woman . I invited him but of course I didn’t hear a word . He will participate in holidays with his dad’s side of the family but not mine. I miss our family so much, you still have your husband to go through this with which is a blessing, I have no one but my other daughter and my son in law. I decided that after this year I am not going to be here next year, the memories of what used to be are just to painful. I plan to take a trip somewhere, I know it will be incomplete but it will be better than spending another holiday crying my eyes out .