Wish We Could Talk

I love you; I will always love you, but at some point, there will be a reckoning.

I often think about how you first informed us you were going to start living as 'a boy'. You sent us a text - a somewhat cowardly way to tell your father and me. The cowardice has continued for the past three years. Your father and I separately responded that we love you, that whatever is going on we'll figure it out, but we still love you. I called you two days later, and we spoke to you about it briefly. You asked if I had questions and I asked, Well, yeah.... Honey, you do not like guys or bros and now you want to be one? And you giggled. I was shocked. You giggled and said yeah, I guess so. Then I asked where did this come from and you said your therapist asked if you thought you might be trans. Whether this is true or not, I have no idea because the narrative you now tell of your life is full of lies. You truly became a liar... something I can say with confidence you were not before this came into our lives. I can’t refute any of your feelings, but the experiences you have told me... that you had mostly male friends growing up, among others, are just not the truth. 

But here is what I am wondering today... How did you feel? How do you feel? How awful that must have felt to think your Mom and Dad would be all on board, only to find out they did not accept that they had a new son. In the text you said you would like to give us the honor of renaming you. We did name you... when you were born, and honestly you know the story, we didn’t name you until a week after bringing you home so we could see what fit best. And yes, it is a more traditional female name, because you indeed, are female.

But how painful that must have been for you, to have parents who did not rejoice in their 'trans' child. You thought you found the reason for all the psychological pain you ever experienced. You thought you found your community, the reason your life at 22 was not going exactly the way you had envisioned. Never mind the years of anorexia, the dabbling in self harm by cutting, or the rejections in a very competitive college theater program, or the first eight months of a global pandemic. Everything could be explained away by thinking you belonged in a body that looks different from the one you had! And never mind that at 22 you would be a man, not a boy, you told us you were meant to be a boy.

I am sure you thought because your Mom was (is?) a diehard liberal with a history of working with oppressed people that you would be embraced and shown off. Or you thought the fact that your grandmother was a lesbian, of course your Mom would be OK with this and she'll bring Dad along!  Perhaps you thought, this is just the same as being a lesbian or gay person and the older generation just needs to get on board! I am sure you thought your parents might even throw a coming out party for you. And I am truly sorry.... I am truly sorry that you did not know me well enough to know that would not be the case. How completely disorienting and devastating for you. But a Mom's intuition is usually spot-on, and you were never even gender non-conforming or showed any discomfort in being a female before this pronouncement. When you told us you were bisexual we basically shrugged. When you brought home your first girlfriend at 22, we welcomed her! 

After three years of living in this surreal, bizarre place I am becoming better with where I am. We are still in relationship, albeit a very strained one. You have medicalized and it continues to shock me to talk to you, sometimes I cannot answer the phone because I cannot handle hearing your voice. I wonder sometimes how it would have been if we had just accepted your desire to modify your body, if we had bought into the trans identity, or your transness as you like to call it. I just know I have too much respect for nature, for acceptance of biology and for women to ever have fallen for any of this. I also have too much respect for the truth... in how we live our lives and for how we interact with others and the trans 'way of life' seems to go against the truth. The truth of your feelings does not trump biological reality. Feelings change. And since this has led to three years of you lying to us about so many things and three years of fractured, strained relationships, and panic attacks and mental health that doesn't appear improved... I wonder when we will see the positive outcomes from your medicalization.  

I love you; I will always love you. I just wish you had been stronger all around. Living in a female body in this world has its challenges but being human has its challenges. 

Life will go on, you will grow up and at some point, there will be a reckoning. I will be here for you when that happens. People are waking up to the harm this is causing. I am so sorry you got caught up in it...so, so sorry.