A Race

My daughter first came out as lesbian in the winter of sixth grade, 2019. Always having a close relationship, we talked about being open and kind to herself. That sexuality, especially in girls, can fluctuate. I talked about my own experiences in same-sex attraction, relationships with girls, and my best friend's experience of being lesbian when we met in college (though my daughter had only known her to be heterosexual). I advised her to not openly share at school. At her young age, I worried some kids, and especially parents, might not understand. I feared she would be alienated from her friends, from Girl Scouts, from sleepovers, and just girl time in general. She didn't listen...she shared, her bravery was celebrated, and all that I feared came true. Her troop suddenly "disbanded", "how odd", I thought. She was no longer invited to the sleepovers; her friends ignored her at the winter dance.

Then came the COVID lockdowns. Endless hours online. Parents naive to the access her school-issued laptop provided. Isolated from peers physically, and recently socially isolated. That spring she shifted to "demi-girl", "demi-boy", then "trans" by the summer of 2020. No longer did we have that great open relationship. Any discussion was met with name calling and slamming doors. She feared going out in public. Being "misgendered" would send her into a spiral. She would panic when people looked at her. I tried to tell her, "You have tried it on, it is not fitting. You were never unhappy until this identity.” She said she was only unhappy because the world didn't see her as a boy. I persisted and tried to show her the cracks in her thinking. More slamming doors.

She now was self-imposing isolation from her family. Her new online family was her support. We learned about what was happening online when she asked to go to a Renaissance festival in a nearby town. We went early in the day. It was a COIVD year so it was not busy. We allowed our kids 30 minutes to walk together while my husband and I enjoyed a show. When we met at the designated place and time, our kids were with strangers - older strangers. A female appearing to be a late teen (16? 17?) and a male...with a beard (21? 22?). My heart sank and we left immediately. We asked questions and found they were her "online friends" she was meeting there. They lived two states away!!

In that moment everything changed. This was when I learned everything I could about trans ideology, when I locked down the internet, and decided she needed to be in-person for school. We found a small Montessori school with an adolescent class that was in person. The socialization was helpful but strained. Her isolated time and confused identity made it difficult for the other kids to navigate. She started to self-harm. She did make progress through the year. But they told us they were going to need to close their adolescent program for the following year. She went back to local public school for eight grade. Everything got worse. She was in a bubble of trans-identified girls. They all hated their parents. They all used mental health issues as an identity. Those outside the gender cult were name calling, threatening, saying "you should kill yourself". So she tried. Therapy wasn't working. School wasn't helpful. They affirmed. They also didn't take the threats as seriously as they should have.

In ninth grade, she started to improve. But I started to hear a clock ticking. Only four more years till she can transition without my consent. She was in a relationship with another trans-identified girl. They seemed supportive of each other. Though I had my worries they were enabling each other's poor mental health. And eventually, my daughter had to go in-patient, partial hospitalization, and intensive outpatient. We were terrified. But we encountered amazing mental health professionals in this facility. They were very supportive of us and our family counseling was effective. Our relationship (especially mine) with our daughter began to improve. The doctors said they would not officially diagnose gender dysphoria, nor would they refer to an endocrinologist or gender clinic. Such a relief! Within a month of her completion of higher level mental health services, her girlfriend broke up with her and she had a significant self harm event. She also became anorexic. She was working with a therapist we liked, but had an extremely challenging scheduling system (seems you just can't win). But the therapy was effective.

At the start of tenth grade, the ex-girlfriend had now desisted and was dating a boy. She also accused my daughter of "sexual assault" very loudly at school. The school had to escalate to the police. And we had some very intense meetings with local police and her school. The police eventually notified us that they could not find any evidence of a crime. Relief. The school also was very supportive in taking such false claims seriously. They even disclosed that they have needed to meet with several students who claimed sexual assault, sexual harassment, and rape-culture. When what these kids really experienced was flirting. But my daughter's mental health was at a new low. She was being safe but it was awful. She was talking to me more. Our relationship was improving but I feared losing her. The clock was also starting to tick louder. She was now 15 years only - only three years until she was free to make her own choices on gender. But I knew I had to address her mental health issues before the identity talks could continue. Therapy was so focused on navigating the social issues, the rumors, teasing, and name calling after the sexual assault allegation. We took a new strategy. Potentially risky. We discussed it with her therapist and her pediatrician. Neither had personal experience but were supportive. We consulted a ketamine therapy clinic with experience with adolescents. I brought my daughter to the clinic for consultation and a tour. I loved the clinic, a nearly all-female team, they were supportive and encouraging and warm. She began treatments. It was a two-hour drive for us, each way. Making treatment days long. It started with treatments three times a week for two weeks. We did this over winter break. Then two times a week for a week. Then once a week for a month. Then every other week and eventually hoping to achieve an as-needed maintenance schedule.

After her first treatment, the next morning she got up and said, "I think that was the first restful night of sleep I have ever had". After two weeks, she suddenly agreed to go on outings again. Even the most basic of things like a Saturday trip to Ikea or breakfast in a restaurant were nearly impossible for years. Unfortunately, with the time investment needed, we were struggling to keep up with her regular therapist and that provider relationship ended. But my daughter was doing better! Her grades were improving, she was becoming more involved in school activities (drama tech crew), being more social with friends, spending more time with her family, and even started working at a local movie theater. By spring we were on ketamine maintenance. She went the entire summer with no self-harm, working, being with friends, and enjoying a family vacation.

This past fall, she started 11th grade. She had anxiety about returning to school and dealing with "the ops" (as the teen lingo calls the opposition). She requested a ketamine appointment, her first one in five months. I, of course, agreed. I fully believe it was the Fall ketamine appointment that got her through the winter. Winter has always been the hardest time for her. Her grades tend to slide, she misses school, she becomes depressed and withdrawn. This year was different. Her grades have been great (two AP classes this year). She had blue days, but nothing she couldn't overcome. She also went off her SSRI which she has been on since seventh grade. And she is in a relationship with a close male friend. I have contributed to PITT regarding my questions about this relationship and what this might mean for desistance (I can dream, right?). I am still too afraid to ask her about details of her identity. She also is talking about her future. Talking about college and career interests.

The clock ticks on. She is now 16. Only one more year of high school and two years left until she is (legally) an adult. But with the Trump executive order, maybe we get an extra year. Maybe I don't have to worry about her making a permanent change until she is 19. With her mental health improving (there are still challenges) I hope I can begin to navigate the identity questions. Our relationship has also been amazing. She comes to me with her problems, we make shared decisions, she is affectionate, and I dare to say I am happy for the first time in years.

But we are still in a race. Will she see the light before she makes life-altering decisions to medically transition?