This is a letter I wrote after seeing my son. I did not send it, out of fear of making our relationship even worse, but it captures my emotions upon realizing what estrogen had done to him.
Dear Son,
It has been seven months since I last saw you. You looked then just like I had at your age, but with darker hair. Now, after more than half a year of wrong-sex-hormones, you have changed.
Your personality is more assertive, you look to take better care of your appearance. Is that because it is a lie? Because you can no longer look presentable without caring about it?
You are brash and confident, like you are imitating your mother's powerful personality in a vain attempt to be more like her.
And you are like her. Looking at you now, after so long, I suddenly see it. I suddenly realize why this visit has been so uncanny. You no longer look like me, your brother, or any other man you know. You look just like your mother. You could be her daughter, but you are not. You will never be, though you have been deceived into believing you can be.
I will be waiting eagerly for you to return to us, in sanity, even though you reject your mother's and my attempts to bring you back.
I love you, hon. I always have and, even though you claim I do not, I always will. And so does your mother, who you obviously look up to so very much.
– Dad
I'm sorry. Praying he comes back to you. This is a nightmare for all of us.
Brother, your post brought tears to my eyes.
We share the pain of seeing our handsome young male progeny transform as they engage in using estrogen and androgen blockers. My son, now in his early twenties, has been on injectable estrogen and androgen blockers for 6 months; the changes are undeniable now. His previously flat chest (which I no longer see because he's "no longer a man" and we don't exercise together anymore) and underlying abdominal muscularity are now hidden by a layer of body fat; the glands in his chest are budding under his pecs. His hips are becoming rounder by the day as well. Before, we always hugged and kissed one another, but I no longer feel it's appropriate, as he transforms himself into this neither male nor female version of himself. Strangely, I do not think this way about his sister, a fully developed young woman.
This perversion of nature that he's embarked on is perverse, and I feel it will eventually drive us apart. I do not use these "pronouns" or the feminization of his birth name; I call him by his real name and refer to him as he, as I am not under the delusion he is. I am waiting for his gaggle of oddball friends to participate in the farce, eventually telling him that he needs to reject me, I'm sure, and he may as well do so at some point.
I'm hoping he wakes from this idiocy soon. If he is a homosexual (oh wait, is that term banned now, too?), that's fine, I can accept that and be ok with it, but the idea of changing his perfect, masculine self is a crime. I hope he wakes up before he starts lobbing parts of himself off. However, he will still have to deal with the lingering effects of supra-physiological amounts of estrogen in a body designed for testosterone and potential surgeries to handle the outward symptoms.
All this by way of saying, "I get ya."
Stay strong.