Again putting my head above the parapet.

I’m again putting my head above the parapet to pass on some pearls of wisdom that I have gleaned over the last two years. I was lucky that there was a pandemic and my daughter had to return home, so I had the opportunity to try to reestablish our connection. My hope is that my hard-earned lessons might help other parents of adult children as they navigate over the chasm of gender identification and the medicalization and estrangement that comes along with it.

Here are the commonsense steps that worked best for me:

• Reestablish connection and building an adult relationship. I stayed away from confronting anything gender head-on to start. I affirmed the feeling but did not agree to any delusion. I found that any hard conversation is best started with points of agreement.

• Set firm boundaries about what will be acceptable behaviour - respect, honesty, no porn, basic hygiene, cleanliness, 'rental contract'.

• Listen, listen, listen. My daughter definitely dropped hints as to what underlying this, where she rewrote her history, how she was thinking). This is invaluable in helping you form an effective deprogramming/unbrainwashing strategy, and identifying when is the best timing for you to influence and assist.

• Gently provide positive influence, never use a sledgehammer. View don’t change overnight and this is a marathon, not a sprint.

• Repeatedly talk about reality. Real sex life, how people who really care about you will support you in xyz... eg. if you are trying to lose weight, real friends will prepare healthy meals within your dietary restrictions when asking you to lunch—they won’t eat pizza and sweets and continuously tempt you with them.

• Discuss details of harms of social media, groomers and how they operate. Show how algorithms work, and watch documentaries about social media.

• Organise distractions, such as healthy activities outdoors, with good influences and keep them soo busy at it... lots of outdoor sunshine!!!

• Redesign your home layout to support the detoxification and healthy habits that are not only targeted to your trans-identified child. For example, the whole family switches off WiFi at night, and the fruit bowl is moved to place where everybody walks past instead of the kitchen. 

• No purchases of any sweets or processed foods. Remove all products that could introduce any toxins in the environment. Make food from scratch together often to relearn those healthy habits that nourish and connect you to your body and your mind. Create new family recipes that have fresh veggies as a base.

• Lead by example, i.e. if you drink or take pills or smoke or do anything unnatural to change your appearance... stop altogether. You need to practice what you preach.

• Show them you can change your identity, again leading by example. Show that addiction can be overcome, that you create and control your mood, that you accept your body as is and love yourself.

• Organise yourself some downtime to pamper yourselves, and take care of your body.