I’m again putting my head above the parapet to pass on some pearls of wisdom that I have gleaned over the last two years. I was lucky that there was a pandemic and my daughter had to return home, so I had the opportunity to try to reestablish our connection. My hope is that my hard-earned lessons might help other parents of adult children as they navigate over the chasm of gender identification and the medicalization and estrangement that comes along with it.
How I would love for my child, and many other young girls and women caught up in the same way, to remember the feminism their mothers and grandmothers fought for and thought that they had won. https://unherd.com/2022/06/why-did-my-daughter-become-trans/
Nope. A lot of teens have bad eating habits, and may have issues with a sugar addiction as well. A lack of good nutrition can lead to an unstable mental health, especially a lack of protein intake and b vitamins. Sugar, on the other hand, increases feelings of anxiety which could further play into the delusion of the children. Having healthier food will help nourish their bodies, therefore their minds, and get the two connected again.
I know about vitamin D being very important, but food is not the primary source of that. Can you recommend somewhere to look this up - I'm a bit sceptical about some of it, especially the sugar bit, but I'm always willing to learn.
this list of how we should approach this is priceless. So right on. I came to many of these actions through trial and error. If we all approach things this way, our kids just might have a chance. Thank you for this awesome post,
The internet and social media play an enormous role. I noticed that a huge percentage of trans identified kids are into fandom, which I'm breaking down here:
It begins with 4thwavenow and then "Since then, a number of activist and parent support groups have sprung up, including GenSpect, Partners for Ethical Care, Our Duty, Transgender Trend and Parents With Inconvenient Truths About Trans or PITT." I don't like how it says "trans kids" but the general public is learning...
When my daughter went ROGD I read 4thwavenow every night :) I do have a less positive take on Dr. Bowers than I've been hearing, including in the Post article. I get it that many think we "take what crumbs we can get" but I think we got to the point of crazy through not meeting the issues head on. Ok, if some grown men feel they must cosmetically change their bodies instead of fixing their heads, but I don't agree to a magical concept of Gender at all. And, it should not be slipped into laws and schools like it's science.
My take on Bower's sudden conversion regarding kids is that he wants to stay out of jail. It violates a human right to destroy a child's future sexuality and fertility. Jaron is overweight and depressed now
Me reposted from yesterday:
I want to share a youtube of Jaron Bloshinsky ("Jazz Jennings") doctor Marc Bowers "mansplaining" Debra Soh. Marc changed his name to Marci and does many of these very lucrative surgeries. But, without meaning to be unkind here, I think it is less about the money than the sexual jollies he gets from his profession. I've read him talk about how real and constructed vaginas smell different and it's creepy sick. We might at least not do this to children but I think many men enjoy that it's children.
"Gender reassignment surgeon Dr. Marci Bowers and neuroscientist Dr. Debra Soh debate gender identity. Dr. Bowers shares it’s about exploring happiness, so what is the threat? What is the appropriate age to start discussing gender with kids? Is school the right venue to have this discussion?"
The best thing about it actually a comment:
"Oh My Lawd!
1 day ago
Marci Bowers dominates the conversation - just like an egotistical man would do"
Let's say that instead of "cross-sex hormones", we had physicians giving kids opioids. The kids want the opioids. They make them happy. The physicians say, "We listen to the children. They know what they need. And these kids need opioids."
I agree. Also, from the "The Doctors" youtube I posted about Soh and Bowers debating kids exploring/getting affirmed for "gender identity": "Dr. Bowers shares it’s about exploring happiness". Next, you jump from this "happiness" to you or the insurance spending $$$ to take dangerous hormones and chop off body parts. not ok
Thank you for sticking your head up above the parapet again. This is all so hard to do - especially because it goes on for so long. I was also grateful for the pandemic. It was a guilty gratitude but suddenly the whole world was sharing in a hard time. We were all the same... Prior to that it was just us - a distraught family and cheery affirmers. The biggest thing was that our daughter was home a lot and it meant plenty of opportunity to reconnect regarding all sorts of things not related to the mythical concept of "gender".
I think that all of our stories are the same, whether the kids went down the gender rabbit hole during the pandemic because they were isolated and online too much, or because they were at school and isolated mentally in a small "cult" gender group where anyone outside the group was suspect. However their minds are taken away from you - the kids develop all sorts of weird ideas about you and about the world because they are so turned inwards and not watching outwards with clear eyes... When a young person talks to parents all the time they are testing ideas and parents dispel odd thoughts/concepts. That is normal. I can remember testing things out (and saying them with perfect confidence) and having parents and siblings correct me. GI encourages a lot of odd thoughts including that parents who do not affirm are no good and that we are just not with the modern program.
But, kids have always tried out ideas simply because they are young and young people need to always blurt out thoughts and see how they go over with healthy normal people who love them - not the ones who love bomb them. We've always had family dinner but with GI your kid can be right there with you but not there/turned inward. When our daughter started talking to us more I remember finding that she had a lot of weird assumptions - including about parents - but I don't recall what they are now.
I really agree about keeping them busy with real world activities, nature if possible.
One good thing about Zoom School is that more parents are aware that school instruction is off the rails.
Adding this because it helped me (this is esp. relevant for anyone who leans more right-wing than their kids):
- to pre-empt the power of the ideological pull on your kid (esp. if they’re a “incredibly sincere” type), redirect them into class-based “leftism,” (like Glenn Greenwald, Jimmy Dore, Freddie DeBoer). While of course “identity politics” is the vector of influence that can push kids into permanent medical decisions there’s tons of people whose complaint is that it’s not very effective in achieving change.
- There tends to be “fill in the bingo card for the moral opposition your parents gave” (literally, for groomer stuff as part of the process is trivializing parental objections), whereas “well I think they’re mostly correct in pointing out issues and problems, but it’s just not very good at actually remedying them 🤷♀️.”
- If your kid is pre/mid teenage aged (and you don’t mind mild language) they also have more “rowdy” silly fun stuff to listen to in the car (if you’re limiting internet), where it’s young left and fun but not IDPol focused (like “chapo trap house,” regardless of politics this Eric Trump thing was hilarious because poor guy does look like a pale vampire haha and so your can “still rebel” but it’s not personally harmful https://youtu.be/UDjh7pCq0dc ).
WOW! Truer words were never spoken. I am saving your post and going to utilize these tips 100%. Please keep sharing your story. Even if it saves only one child. Let the sun shine into these kid’s hearts and souls. Give them the time and patience it takes to allow your kid to get used to the body God gave them. Amen!
I had to get rid of our old router and rent one from Comcast, our internet provider, then I was able to assign times for the wifi of certain devices to go off. There was a bit of a learning curve for me to get it to work. I can also block some websites through the router's parental controls, but it doesn't work for some websites.
In the meantime, unplugging the router and stashing it away at night is one low tech step.
It's a really good idea to have no computers or devices in the kids' rooms. Centrally located so parents can see them regularly is best. We learned this the hard way.
I've heard of a company BARK that might help with monitoring, but I didn't subscribe because a lot of it is cell phone based, and my kids use computers, not phones. But when I had a trial of BARK it did alert me to my daughter listening to a song on Spotify that was full of horrible self harm lyrics.
That’s the trickiest of all. Even paternal controls these kids outsmart. I’d put extreme limits on them and search history after. Even then they delete that so it defeats the purpose. But at least we’re trying!!!
If internet is off for whole house then cannot get around it... normal old style alarm clocks and everybody phone locked away for night... it helps if adults in the house can show they can control their internet addiction first 😉
Excellent article, thanks. Can you please give an example of how you gently talk about reality, especially sex life. I so want to explain to my daughter that transitioning will (among other things) shrink her dating pool to very few options and will negatively affect her own sensations. However, saying that directly is probably a "sledgehammer".
Talk about healthy sex life in general. What lessons you learnt. What it means to have a loving relationship and how sex can be a giving and mutually enjoyable act. What an orgasm is etc etc. The shrinking dating pool talk will result in a double down.. do not suggest u go there...
"lead by example" YES! Model how to take care of your whole self. Model how to use external circumstances as opportunity to learn and grow. Love these practical tips. Be the expert in your own home and lead with confident, loving authority without dismissing your child's very real adolescent challenges. I think it's also important to find IRL friends/family you can vent to if at all possible. Vet carefully, of course, but knowing you have real people with whom you can be vulnerable is so important to the human psyche.
I think you want to create healthy warm and supportive environment so your daughter is led by example.Makes sense to me
How I would love for my child, and many other young girls and women caught up in the same way, to remember the feminism their mothers and grandmothers fought for and thought that they had won. https://unherd.com/2022/06/why-did-my-daughter-become-trans/
I don't understand the many references to food. Are they a metaphor?
Body Image is central to the issue, so food is very important
Nope. A lot of teens have bad eating habits, and may have issues with a sugar addiction as well. A lack of good nutrition can lead to an unstable mental health, especially a lack of protein intake and b vitamins. Sugar, on the other hand, increases feelings of anxiety which could further play into the delusion of the children. Having healthier food will help nourish their bodies, therefore their minds, and get the two connected again.
I know about vitamin D being very important, but food is not the primary source of that. Can you recommend somewhere to look this up - I'm a bit sceptical about some of it, especially the sugar bit, but I'm always willing to learn.
https://www.vox.com/2014/6/2/5771008/the-case-for-treating-sugar-like-a-drug
https://www.wbur.org/hereandnow/2020/01/13/sugar-smoking-nutrition-health
Thank you for those.
this list of how we should approach this is priceless. So right on. I came to many of these actions through trial and error. If we all approach things this way, our kids just might have a chance. Thank you for this awesome post,
Beautiful and inspiring use of a pandemic.
The internet and social media play an enormous role. I noticed that a huge percentage of trans identified kids are into fandom, which I'm breaking down here:
https://queenbeesnonbinaries.substack.com/p/digital-girls-digital-boys-part-1?r=mrvvb&s=w&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Yup, when the detransitioner, Helena, talked about the fandom at detrans awareness day it was eye opening.
Wow, NY Post Article:
"Anguished parents of trans kids fight back against ‘gender cult’ trying to silence them"
https://nypost.com/2022/05/11/meet-the-parents-of-trans-kids-fighting-gender-cult/
It begins with 4thwavenow and then "Since then, a number of activist and parent support groups have sprung up, including GenSpect, Partners for Ethical Care, Our Duty, Transgender Trend and Parents With Inconvenient Truths About Trans or PITT." I don't like how it says "trans kids" but the general public is learning...
When my daughter went ROGD I read 4thwavenow every night :) I do have a less positive take on Dr. Bowers than I've been hearing, including in the Post article. I get it that many think we "take what crumbs we can get" but I think we got to the point of crazy through not meeting the issues head on. Ok, if some grown men feel they must cosmetically change their bodies instead of fixing their heads, but I don't agree to a magical concept of Gender at all. And, it should not be slipped into laws and schools like it's science.
My take on Bower's sudden conversion regarding kids is that he wants to stay out of jail. It violates a human right to destroy a child's future sexuality and fertility. Jaron is overweight and depressed now
Me reposted from yesterday:
I want to share a youtube of Jaron Bloshinsky ("Jazz Jennings") doctor Marc Bowers "mansplaining" Debra Soh. Marc changed his name to Marci and does many of these very lucrative surgeries. But, without meaning to be unkind here, I think it is less about the money than the sexual jollies he gets from his profession. I've read him talk about how real and constructed vaginas smell different and it's creepy sick. We might at least not do this to children but I think many men enjoy that it's children.
Anyway: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-I4nfhjwkmI
"Gender reassignment surgeon Dr. Marci Bowers and neuroscientist Dr. Debra Soh debate gender identity. Dr. Bowers shares it’s about exploring happiness, so what is the threat? What is the appropriate age to start discussing gender with kids? Is school the right venue to have this discussion?"
The best thing about it actually a comment:
"Oh My Lawd!
1 day ago
Marci Bowers dominates the conversation - just like an egotistical man would do"
Sick indeed.
It does violate human rights.
Let's say that instead of "cross-sex hormones", we had physicians giving kids opioids. The kids want the opioids. They make them happy. The physicians say, "We listen to the children. They know what they need. And these kids need opioids."
Would we agree to that?
Great suggestions, in particular leading by example in living a healthy lifestyle.
Beware of Target. I hope this can be stopped:
"'Woke' Target Peddling 'Trans' Clothing to Teens"
https://pjmedia.com/culture/kevindowneyjr/2022/05/11/woke-target-peddling-trans-clothing-to-teens-n1597060
"Target is peddling “binders” and “packers” for teen girls who believe they are boys."
They just keep finding ways to make money off us...don't they?
The very compelling idea that happiness is just one good purchase away is at the heart of so much confusion.
I agree. Also, from the "The Doctors" youtube I posted about Soh and Bowers debating kids exploring/getting affirmed for "gender identity": "Dr. Bowers shares it’s about exploring happiness". Next, you jump from this "happiness" to you or the insurance spending $$$ to take dangerous hormones and chop off body parts. not ok
Thank you for sticking your head up above the parapet again. This is all so hard to do - especially because it goes on for so long. I was also grateful for the pandemic. It was a guilty gratitude but suddenly the whole world was sharing in a hard time. We were all the same... Prior to that it was just us - a distraught family and cheery affirmers. The biggest thing was that our daughter was home a lot and it meant plenty of opportunity to reconnect regarding all sorts of things not related to the mythical concept of "gender".
I think that all of our stories are the same, whether the kids went down the gender rabbit hole during the pandemic because they were isolated and online too much, or because they were at school and isolated mentally in a small "cult" gender group where anyone outside the group was suspect. However their minds are taken away from you - the kids develop all sorts of weird ideas about you and about the world because they are so turned inwards and not watching outwards with clear eyes... When a young person talks to parents all the time they are testing ideas and parents dispel odd thoughts/concepts. That is normal. I can remember testing things out (and saying them with perfect confidence) and having parents and siblings correct me. GI encourages a lot of odd thoughts including that parents who do not affirm are no good and that we are just not with the modern program.
But, kids have always tried out ideas simply because they are young and young people need to always blurt out thoughts and see how they go over with healthy normal people who love them - not the ones who love bomb them. We've always had family dinner but with GI your kid can be right there with you but not there/turned inward. When our daughter started talking to us more I remember finding that she had a lot of weird assumptions - including about parents - but I don't recall what they are now.
I really agree about keeping them busy with real world activities, nature if possible.
One good thing about Zoom School is that more parents are aware that school instruction is off the rails.
Adding this because it helped me (this is esp. relevant for anyone who leans more right-wing than their kids):
- to pre-empt the power of the ideological pull on your kid (esp. if they’re a “incredibly sincere” type), redirect them into class-based “leftism,” (like Glenn Greenwald, Jimmy Dore, Freddie DeBoer). While of course “identity politics” is the vector of influence that can push kids into permanent medical decisions there’s tons of people whose complaint is that it’s not very effective in achieving change.
- There tends to be “fill in the bingo card for the moral opposition your parents gave” (literally, for groomer stuff as part of the process is trivializing parental objections), whereas “well I think they’re mostly correct in pointing out issues and problems, but it’s just not very good at actually remedying them 🤷♀️.”
- If your kid is pre/mid teenage aged (and you don’t mind mild language) they also have more “rowdy” silly fun stuff to listen to in the car (if you’re limiting internet), where it’s young left and fun but not IDPol focused (like “chapo trap house,” regardless of politics this Eric Trump thing was hilarious because poor guy does look like a pale vampire haha and so your can “still rebel” but it’s not personally harmful https://youtu.be/UDjh7pCq0dc ).
Our daughter is terribly sincere. Thanks for the redirecting ideas.
WOW! Truer words were never spoken. I am saving your post and going to utilize these tips 100%. Please keep sharing your story. Even if it saves only one child. Let the sun shine into these kid’s hearts and souls. Give them the time and patience it takes to allow your kid to get used to the body God gave them. Amen!
Great advice. Really, most of it is great advice for parents of all children and everyone, in general.
Very good thoughts. I did not see anything about devices. What do you do about devices, internet access, etc?
I had to get rid of our old router and rent one from Comcast, our internet provider, then I was able to assign times for the wifi of certain devices to go off. There was a bit of a learning curve for me to get it to work. I can also block some websites through the router's parental controls, but it doesn't work for some websites.
In the meantime, unplugging the router and stashing it away at night is one low tech step.
It's a really good idea to have no computers or devices in the kids' rooms. Centrally located so parents can see them regularly is best. We learned this the hard way.
I've heard of a company BARK that might help with monitoring, but I didn't subscribe because a lot of it is cell phone based, and my kids use computers, not phones. But when I had a trial of BARK it did alert me to my daughter listening to a song on Spotify that was full of horrible self harm lyrics.
That’s the trickiest of all. Even paternal controls these kids outsmart. I’d put extreme limits on them and search history after. Even then they delete that so it defeats the purpose. But at least we’re trying!!!
If internet is off for whole house then cannot get around it... normal old style alarm clocks and everybody phone locked away for night... it helps if adults in the house can show they can control their internet addiction first 😉
Excellent idea!
There was a piece about this... eg. Internet off for whole family at night.
Excellent article, thanks. Can you please give an example of how you gently talk about reality, especially sex life. I so want to explain to my daughter that transitioning will (among other things) shrink her dating pool to very few options and will negatively affect her own sensations. However, saying that directly is probably a "sledgehammer".
Talk about healthy sex life in general. What lessons you learnt. What it means to have a loving relationship and how sex can be a giving and mutually enjoyable act. What an orgasm is etc etc. The shrinking dating pool talk will result in a double down.. do not suggest u go there...
"lead by example" YES! Model how to take care of your whole self. Model how to use external circumstances as opportunity to learn and grow. Love these practical tips. Be the expert in your own home and lead with confident, loving authority without dismissing your child's very real adolescent challenges. I think it's also important to find IRL friends/family you can vent to if at all possible. Vet carefully, of course, but knowing you have real people with whom you can be vulnerable is so important to the human psyche.