Anger and shame, these two emotions have intwined themselves into my being since my son announced he was trans quite a few years ago. The anger emerged when I discovered that the entire world had been captured by this gender nonsense. The doctors, the therapists, the schools, friends and family all believing that girls could be boys and boys could be girls. I tried to explain to some of the believers what I have learned in my many hours of research but they had made up their minds. They would listen politely but I could read their expressions of doubt and then they would say something about me having to accept my son. I’ve had too many of these conversations over the last few years and the anger has multiplied with time. Nobody was listening!
So nice to hear a happy ending to a difficult story. I am glad your son returned to you. Perhaps living as a girl and living with girls made him realize he will never be a girl? It seems that schools and society are too quick to support the trans-ideology instead of letting a young boy or girl experiment. You were lucky. I pray that more young kids desist and return to the life they were born to live and not give in to the hormones and surgery.
Such a happy ending! But I want to clear up one point. Early in the story, when doctors were telling you to take him to an endocrinologist and you were struggling with whether to do so, you spoke of doubitng whether he was "really trans."
I hear this a lot, especially from people who are sympathetic to trans folks and play along with them. There's this idea floating around, a deeply mistaken idea, that I think we need to push back against HARD. The idea is that there's some biological basis for identifying as the opposite sex, like a kid born unambiguously male--like your son--might possibly have a "female brain" or some other hidden, unknowable, biological characteristic that makes him "really a girl on the inside." And then the struggle for people in your position is trying to figure out whether your kid has this condition or just thinks he does.
There is no such condition. It doesn't exist. Transgender identity is entirely, wholly, 100% psychological. It's an idea, and nothing more. So the "bad" news is that yes, if your kid identifies as trans, they ARE trans. The good news is that this label doesn't mean anything beyond that the kid has adopted a certain worldview that comes with a label. It like if your son said "I think I might be a Republican" or a Hindu, or a vegetarian, or a flat-Earther, etc. It's an ideology around which people build an identity. They see themselves through this lens that distorts their view of reality.
It is comical when a kid who loves eating meat says, "I think I might be a vegetarian on the inside." We can point out that they don't fit the description, but if they're getting feedback from a peer group that says vegetarianism is cool, then they'll do all sorts of mental acrobatics to try to apply the label to themselves, especially if it doesn't mean having to actually change their preferred lifestyle.
But if a kid says, "I believe the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe," and he seems sincere about it, it would be a bit strange to try to discover whether he "really" believes it or not. Believing it doesn't make it any more real. It's not like it's a genetically pre-determined, inherent, immutable, biological trait. It's a belief, and he can change his mind about it. But he believes what he believes."
Your son believed he was a girl "on the inside," which isn't a thing. So the panic over, "Oh, what if he really is? I need to hurry up and get him medical treatment in case he really is!" is entirely unfounded. If this is how you think of transgenderism, then we can say that it doesn't really exist. It's not a biological reality. But it's also wrong to say that trans people don't exist, because they do--that is, there really, truly are people who hold the mistaken BELIEF that they are the opposite sex on some psychological, spiritual, or undiscovered, "hidden" biological level. It's just a belief. But yes, people who believe this nonsense really do exist.
I am so happy for you and your son! It gives me hope that my daughter will come through the other side. I can identify with the anger and the shame. It is very difficult to hear about other people's children and how they are living a normal life. I pray every day for all of these children trapped in the Gender Nightmare.
I just listened to the most hopeful conversation about this issue since my family was pulled into this mess. It is Gender a Wider Lens podcast #78. Maybe, just maybe, the tide is turning on all this.
Thank you for sharing your son's story, it gives me hope. We are only about 1 year into this with my son, who will be 18 soon. He hasn't socially transitioned, but I too keep telling him that he can dress however he wants...And yet I dread seeing him in a skirt or a dress--not because of the clothes, but because of what they represent. I wish for the same resolve--to just let him be, let him explore, and support and love him while discouraging medicalisation. I'm so very happy to read that your story had a happy ending and your son is doing well. My heart if filled with you for you and your son.
"After years of repressing his true self, he has finally come to terms with who he is. “I really reconnected with being myself and accepted the fact that I’m gay,” Wagoner said. He even came out to his father, who he said has fully accepted him. “My dad and I are cool now. He knows I’m gay, and he doesn’t even care. Had I been honest from the get-go, I do think it could have possibly prevented me from going down this path.”
In retrospect, Wagoner blames medical professionals for glossing over the other personal crises he was experiencing, like internalized homophobia and drug addiction. “My therapist really was an activist who also happened to be a psychologist,” he said. “I probably should have been put in a psychiatric hospital, not given estrogen. I just needed someone to listen to me, but this woman had me go and change my body’s chemistry and my whole life.”
. . . .
"Now that he’s content living as a man, Wagoner said, he hopes his tale serves as a warning to others. “The reason I decided to speak out is because here in California, there really are no barriers to transition.” He said he’s even considering pursuing legal action against the therapist and doctor who helped him coast through his transition without ever investigating what was really going on under the surface."
What a fantastic example of good parenting, despite all the ideologists trying to convince your son otherwise. Marvellous news that as his brain developed further, he was able to appreciate his manhood. Well done mother and father (it is rightly known as parent power). To keep him away from puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones despite all the so called professionals advising otherwise would have taken real fortitude and forbearance. Congratulations, you have provided a wonderful example for other parents dealing with this problem.
Wow, wonderful. Would be cool to hear his story behind what lead him to detransition. But, considering how unclear it is what a parent can really do to help (it seems we can only clearly say what they should not do: don't affirm, don't directly challenge), it does seem worth considering whether gender-confused young people might just need to be trusted to figure it out for themselves. And great if they can find someone who believes in them in a way that goes deeper than transition; that might take care of the rest; whereas trying to save them from themselves may do the opposite.
People who ID as trans, even when it seems so ridiculous to do, tend to be pretty reasonable people; it's usually not a matter of them just not being logical or scientific enough; it's a deep, emotional, social, even visceral experience for them, and in many cases I do think they can come to deeply, emotionally, viscerally connect with their biological sex once they see how useless transitioning really is. That's not very comforting I know...but what alternative is there? Fighting and resisting and arguing against their transition apparently makes that realization more difficult; transition feels like a fight for authenticity.
There's no formula for everyone; it seems reasonable for any parent to offer some push back with their kids when this comes up, but if reasoning isn't doing it, there doesn't appear much more advice out there than to focus on what matters most, love your kid and try not to let the transition even change the way you look at them. Feels way too much easier said than done though; how can I expect a parent to just stop worrying, leave it be and just hope for the best? That's counterintuitive. Anyway, I think there's a good example here and I imagine it's applicable for some others.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so, so happy for your family. We are one year into this nightmare, since my son, 30 announced he was questioning his sex, seeing a "gender specialist" and had decided to socially transition. Everything you say is so real, the shame, the anger, the disbelief, the anguish, the broken relationships that are occurring within the family. The very weird birthdays and holiday celebrations where we all get together, but no one really know what to say, how to act. We are physically present but all lost in a surreal experience of seeing our son, brother, grandson, cousin in disguise. I can relate so much to your feelings about seeing your son dressed as a girl. I too try to think.. it is only clothing but it sticks in my head and I cant get it out. Thanks for sharing, for giving us hope which is all we have left.
Thank you so much for sharing, we need your story.
So nice to hear a happy ending to a difficult story. I am glad your son returned to you. Perhaps living as a girl and living with girls made him realize he will never be a girl? It seems that schools and society are too quick to support the trans-ideology instead of letting a young boy or girl experiment. You were lucky. I pray that more young kids desist and return to the life they were born to live and not give in to the hormones and surgery.
Such a happy ending! But I want to clear up one point. Early in the story, when doctors were telling you to take him to an endocrinologist and you were struggling with whether to do so, you spoke of doubitng whether he was "really trans."
I hear this a lot, especially from people who are sympathetic to trans folks and play along with them. There's this idea floating around, a deeply mistaken idea, that I think we need to push back against HARD. The idea is that there's some biological basis for identifying as the opposite sex, like a kid born unambiguously male--like your son--might possibly have a "female brain" or some other hidden, unknowable, biological characteristic that makes him "really a girl on the inside." And then the struggle for people in your position is trying to figure out whether your kid has this condition or just thinks he does.
There is no such condition. It doesn't exist. Transgender identity is entirely, wholly, 100% psychological. It's an idea, and nothing more. So the "bad" news is that yes, if your kid identifies as trans, they ARE trans. The good news is that this label doesn't mean anything beyond that the kid has adopted a certain worldview that comes with a label. It like if your son said "I think I might be a Republican" or a Hindu, or a vegetarian, or a flat-Earther, etc. It's an ideology around which people build an identity. They see themselves through this lens that distorts their view of reality.
It is comical when a kid who loves eating meat says, "I think I might be a vegetarian on the inside." We can point out that they don't fit the description, but if they're getting feedback from a peer group that says vegetarianism is cool, then they'll do all sorts of mental acrobatics to try to apply the label to themselves, especially if it doesn't mean having to actually change their preferred lifestyle.
But if a kid says, "I believe the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe," and he seems sincere about it, it would be a bit strange to try to discover whether he "really" believes it or not. Believing it doesn't make it any more real. It's not like it's a genetically pre-determined, inherent, immutable, biological trait. It's a belief, and he can change his mind about it. But he believes what he believes."
Your son believed he was a girl "on the inside," which isn't a thing. So the panic over, "Oh, what if he really is? I need to hurry up and get him medical treatment in case he really is!" is entirely unfounded. If this is how you think of transgenderism, then we can say that it doesn't really exist. It's not a biological reality. But it's also wrong to say that trans people don't exist, because they do--that is, there really, truly are people who hold the mistaken BELIEF that they are the opposite sex on some psychological, spiritual, or undiscovered, "hidden" biological level. It's just a belief. But yes, people who believe this nonsense really do exist.
That is amazing. I'm so happy for you and your family!
I am so happy for you and your son! It gives me hope that my daughter will come through the other side. I can identify with the anger and the shame. It is very difficult to hear about other people's children and how they are living a normal life. I pray every day for all of these children trapped in the Gender Nightmare.
I just listened to the most hopeful conversation about this issue since my family was pulled into this mess. It is Gender a Wider Lens podcast #78. Maybe, just maybe, the tide is turning on all this.
Thank you for sharing your son's story, it gives me hope. We are only about 1 year into this with my son, who will be 18 soon. He hasn't socially transitioned, but I too keep telling him that he can dress however he wants...And yet I dread seeing him in a skirt or a dress--not because of the clothes, but because of what they represent. I wish for the same resolve--to just let him be, let him explore, and support and love him while discouraging medicalisation. I'm so very happy to read that your story had a happy ending and your son is doing well. My heart if filled with you for you and your son.
Probably so many would realize on their own if not for this single minded push into puberty blockers ... Yes, clothes can be changed, unlike hormones. Wanted to share this article - a man who wasn't as fortunate as your son who regretted his transition, and is now contemplating taking action against the doctors who denied him informed consent as they encouraged him to medically transition. https://nypost.com/2022/07/11/trans-woman-returns-to-life-as-man-and-hits-out-at-the-activist-doctor-who-turned-his-life-upside-down/
"After years of repressing his true self, he has finally come to terms with who he is. “I really reconnected with being myself and accepted the fact that I’m gay,” Wagoner said. He even came out to his father, who he said has fully accepted him. “My dad and I are cool now. He knows I’m gay, and he doesn’t even care. Had I been honest from the get-go, I do think it could have possibly prevented me from going down this path.”
In retrospect, Wagoner blames medical professionals for glossing over the other personal crises he was experiencing, like internalized homophobia and drug addiction. “My therapist really was an activist who also happened to be a psychologist,” he said. “I probably should have been put in a psychiatric hospital, not given estrogen. I just needed someone to listen to me, but this woman had me go and change my body’s chemistry and my whole life.”
. . . .
"Now that he’s content living as a man, Wagoner said, he hopes his tale serves as a warning to others. “The reason I decided to speak out is because here in California, there really are no barriers to transition.” He said he’s even considering pursuing legal action against the therapist and doctor who helped him coast through his transition without ever investigating what was really going on under the surface."
Great news. Thanks for sharing. I’m still hoping for a win like you. God help us all.
What a fantastic example of good parenting, despite all the ideologists trying to convince your son otherwise. Marvellous news that as his brain developed further, he was able to appreciate his manhood. Well done mother and father (it is rightly known as parent power). To keep him away from puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones despite all the so called professionals advising otherwise would have taken real fortitude and forbearance. Congratulations, you have provided a wonderful example for other parents dealing with this problem.
I have to commend you for not giving into what I'm sure was intense pressure to medically transition him! You saved his life! ❤️❤️
Thank you for posting your experience. It must have been so painful for you. Always enjoy seeing the win!
Wow, wonderful. Would be cool to hear his story behind what lead him to detransition. But, considering how unclear it is what a parent can really do to help (it seems we can only clearly say what they should not do: don't affirm, don't directly challenge), it does seem worth considering whether gender-confused young people might just need to be trusted to figure it out for themselves. And great if they can find someone who believes in them in a way that goes deeper than transition; that might take care of the rest; whereas trying to save them from themselves may do the opposite.
People who ID as trans, even when it seems so ridiculous to do, tend to be pretty reasonable people; it's usually not a matter of them just not being logical or scientific enough; it's a deep, emotional, social, even visceral experience for them, and in many cases I do think they can come to deeply, emotionally, viscerally connect with their biological sex once they see how useless transitioning really is. That's not very comforting I know...but what alternative is there? Fighting and resisting and arguing against their transition apparently makes that realization more difficult; transition feels like a fight for authenticity.
There's no formula for everyone; it seems reasonable for any parent to offer some push back with their kids when this comes up, but if reasoning isn't doing it, there doesn't appear much more advice out there than to focus on what matters most, love your kid and try not to let the transition even change the way you look at them. Feels way too much easier said than done though; how can I expect a parent to just stop worrying, leave it be and just hope for the best? That's counterintuitive. Anyway, I think there's a good example here and I imagine it's applicable for some others.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so, so happy for your family. We are one year into this nightmare, since my son, 30 announced he was questioning his sex, seeing a "gender specialist" and had decided to socially transition. Everything you say is so real, the shame, the anger, the disbelief, the anguish, the broken relationships that are occurring within the family. The very weird birthdays and holiday celebrations where we all get together, but no one really know what to say, how to act. We are physically present but all lost in a surreal experience of seeing our son, brother, grandson, cousin in disguise. I can relate so much to your feelings about seeing your son dressed as a girl. I too try to think.. it is only clothing but it sticks in my head and I cant get it out. Thanks for sharing, for giving us hope which is all we have left.
Good on you and your husband for educating seeing it through.
The world is insane. Thanks for speaking up. I wish those deluded fools who told you to put your son on puberty blockers could read your story.