Another unfortunate story

Around age 11, my daughter experienced significant trauma, sexual in nature (not towards her but someone she loved dearly). This experience forever changed her, and that was just the beginning. Around 12-14 years old, it was COVID. She decided she wanted to cut her hair; it would make her happy if she cut her hair. This child was girly girly, loved her long hair. Not long after she declared: “i think i want to be a boy” (is how she wrote it). I had all the talks with her, tried counselling etc. No avail, she wanted to be a boy. We were forced to use a different name, that changed to another name at some point.

What were most kids doing during COVID - becoming one with the internet, social media in particular. I had all the talks with my children, safety on the internet, don’t talk to strangers, only play games with people you know in real life, randomly checked their devices, yada yada, you get the point. I noticed a lot of changes in my daughter, she quit school, was self-harming, suicidal ideation, behavior changed drastically, isolating herself, etc. I had her in all the counseling, attempted group therapy, individual community worker; she quit, quit therapy. Wouldn’t go anymore. After a conversation the counselor said, “you can’t force her, you gave her the tools in the toolbox, it’s up to her to use them”. She kept that toolbox locked tight!

Things were rough between us. I was on the verge of losing myself mentally, as I also have a traumatic past. I sent my daughter to live with her Dad, as I had done it alone for five years. I needed a break or I was going to break.

At 16, the legal age to make medical decisions here in Canada, our MD referred her to a gender affirming doctor. I disagreed and felt trauma was at play and she needed to work through her mental health issues before going down that road. I should add, she was also severely anemic, but refused to treat it with medications. But what do I know? Apparently nothing! So, she saw this gender doctor and, within two appointments, walked out with a prescription for testosterone.

At age 17, last June specifically, my daughter attempted to take her life with a massive overdose. She said “I slipped up, next time it will work”. While intoxicated on the drugs she took, she confided in me that she had been severely exploited online through various platforms such as Discord, Twitch, Snapchat, Twitter, and TicTok. She gave me the details and it was horrific! This occurred from ages 12-17. I was so angry these predators were out there doing this. I immediately contacted authorities, who investigated.

My daughter was kept in the Psych unit for two weeks, but only because her mom is a nurse and demanded she be evaluated. After evaluation, I felt validated by one psychiatrist who agreed testosterone has significantly impacted and worsened my daughter’s mental health. He agreed it should never have been prescribed without an in-depth evaluation because she was presenting with Borderline Personality Traits, which I concur were related to the significant trauma she experienced. He told me that he has “had it out” with this gender doctor many, many times, but she continues prescribing to minors.

After this admission, my daughter spent the remainder of her summer self-harming and attempting to take her life. I had multiple conversations with health professionals about the significant trauma history and the impact that testosterone has had on her mentally. It made her a hell of a lot more impulsive, aggressive, angry. She was becoming someone I truly did not recognize. I wrote this gender doctor and told her my opinion as a parent. She dismissed me and continued to prescribe the testosterone.

I found an intensive inpatient mental health treatment program specific to her indigenous culture. Yes, I left that part out. My daughter is of indigenous ancestry and, as we know, the effects of intergenerational trauma are trickling down the line. She agreed to the program, went, and, although called repeatedly to come home, she completed the program. I learned from journals left behind, the program had convinced her “your mom is not good for you”. Our relationship deteriorated.

She continued on her FTM transition. She complained of joint pain frequently, rib and chest pain from binding. In March, I had a text from her Dad that she was going “downhill again”. I reached out to her and she had agreed that we start family therapy, for me and her. I was working with my own therapist to arrange this.

My daughter lived an hour away. She came to town the beginning of April to gather some things, I’ve learned. I reached out to her that maybe we can get together for a bit before she goes back to her Dad’s. She texted back “maybe tomorrow?”. That text will haunt me forever as she lost her battle on April 9. She has left us with many many journals, phones, scrapbooks, computers etc, all with the passwords.

She repeatedly wrote in her journals that she doesn’t know who she is, but she knew who she was seven years ago (before her Dad and I separated). She wanted to go back to who she was, but she was too far gone. The scars were a constant reminder. She was tired of the mental torture. She also wrote that she was going to change her name, yet again. But she wanted to get better. She wanted to go back to the happy free and innocent butterfly she was before. She did ask for help, we were in the middle of finding it. We were too late.

Reading her thoughts has been difficult because, as mothers, we feel our children’s pain. But it also allows me to truly see her thoughts and the pain she suffered and endured. She just wanted peace and felt there was no way to get it here. My heart aches daily. I’m consumed by guilt and grief. However, I believe my daughter had multiple messages left behind throughout her writings, and I plan to pursue justice for her. I also plan to advocate for child internet safety, with a true story versus a police officer speaking to a group of school age kids.

So, my overall experience is that gender affirming care does not save lives. Gender affirming care messes with children’s development, physically and mentally. As the psychiatrist said, a child’s brain isn’t fully developed until age 25, but research is now showing its upwards of 32. Why is it that its illegal for children to buy cigarettes, marijuana, alcohol, vote, until 18-19, or 21 in the U.S. because they do not have the capacity to understand the consequences of their actions; but yet at 16 they can legally change their name and access hormones in failed attempts to “change” their sex?

There is something not right with this picture! I will spend the rest of my days fighting for this, for what is right for our children. Parents have no rights to their children anymore, the government choses for us?! Make it make sense?!?!