Being the parent of a trans child of any age is probably the most dreadful and soul crushing experience a parent can go through. When any tragedy hits a child, parents are usually surrounded by family members, friends, medical team, social groups and institutions that provide help navigating this difficult journey of some sort. But when you are the common sensical parent who is not jumping on the trans band wagon, who is not buying the trans narrative, who ask the right questions, expose the inconvenient facts and urge caution regarding gender affirming practices of all kinds (or should I say more accurately mental illness affirming), you become the villain of the story. And those very folks and institutions that used to be there for you now label you as an intolerant hateful bigot who wants their kid to die. As a result, you get socially ostracized and alienated from your own kid.
You say “ Happiness is never found in mutilating my body or permanently altering my appearance. Removing healthy body parts and/or adding fake ones is neither healthcare nor lifesaving affirmation.”, but would you apply this logic if a man had gynecomastia(a condition that can cause someone with a male sex to grow breasts)? If someone with this condition got a mastectomy to get rid of these breasts that they do not want growing, would you classify that as “removing healthy body parts”?
How will my child even know if I give up on him? I have begun to stop hoping that he will ever be a part of my life again. I feel less grief if I think, "My child is gone. That person who walks around in his skin is not him. Just forget you had a child and move on." If someday he comes back and can be honest, I will welcome him. I fear if he came back now, before he is ready, we would all say horrible things to each other and it would drive us even further apart. I wish I could prevent him from doing irreparable harm to himself, but knowing how much it matters to me would only make him more likely to do those things. He has been so spiteful for so long. It's hard to imagine anything different now.
I came to this from another article. Fantastic articles, realization and summary of truths. The 10th lesson really is necessary. You are loved and your family is there for you. Thank you for creating this.
Thank you Helene! I have the utmost respect for your courage and your Happy Father's Day words made me cry... haven't heard that from my girl for over 3 years. Thank you.
Helene- a friend shared this with me, and oh the tears that flowed. Our daughter is 18. She wants us to let her transition, and we will not support it. She says she will pay all the co-pays, but we think she should just get her own insurance. If she starts to transition, we don't know what to do. Do we keep paying for college, car insurance, all those costs? But not medical insurance? Do we tell her she is always welcome and loved in our home, but she is on her own for all adult financial things and can't live here when not living in the dorms. My heart aches because I want to keep some relationship with her, but I don't know where the line is between support and just being too harsh and firm. Navigating this is the most painful and challenging thing we have ever done. She may choose to walk away from us, but we will never leave her. However, telling her if she transitions, she is all on her own, we really aren't giving her much of a choice but to walk away. Where is that line? What are your thoughts?
Thank you for sharing your invaluable experience as a de-transitioner. Your beautifully written and stunning article, succeeded in bringing me hope during this ongoing assault on our families. I will re-read it many times, for the wisdom you share and the insights you reveal about your own experience. How much of your original biology is still functioning, post-transition? Does anyone have information on that?
As I see it out, we have several outcomes that could occur for our Trans kids, and our families. Keeping these outcomes in mind are not very encouraging. In addition to the ongoing trial of bearing this horror, pain and separation with little family or societal support.
A) our child's pro-creative ability and/or having a healthy baby, unlikely or zero
B) life expectancy, shortened
C) health will be impacted, due to constant use of hormones and drugs to maintain the sex-change
D) Successfully integrating into society as an independent adult, with their "new" identity, and
Resuming peaceful contact with family of origin.
E) De-transitioning within 2-10 years, and returning to Reality, but with a broken body.
F) worst case: suicide post-transition 5-8 years later.
We are living through the worst attack on humanity ever devised, compounded by all the other planned destructive actions posing as "progressive, liberal or green". Globally administered by WHO, WEF, and the like. Sadly, we are now at the full-blown maturation of a nefarious social engineering program, fueled by fiendish experiments on children which started at least 70 plus years ago. What parents and young people caught in this "social contagion" are going through is perhaps the most severe spiritual test anyone can go through.
As this wonderfully eloquent article states so powerfully: life does indeed go on. Many of us are getting through this. And getting even stronger in surprising ways. Reclaiming our personal measure of sanity and serenity is a consolation prize worth treasuring.
Thank you! You are a truly good and thoughtful person for writing this. So many of us are suffering. I had wanted to be the mom I hadn’t had and I feel like a failure because she hates me. Worse. She won’t know how wonderful she was the way she was. I taught her to love herself, but I couldn’t stop the depression or the boys who hurt her and the girls who crushed her and continue to do so. I just keep
Thinking she saw me in her and wants to cut anything like me out of her life, in such a literal way.
Thank you, Helene, I had a feeling this was you. You inspire everyone and we are glad to see you writing again. You should consider writing a book! We will keep this essay forever to share with our parents that are estranged.
Thank You for writing this...the timing for me is spot on! Over the last few weeks I had finally given up hope that our daughter would ever return to us, it's been over 3.5yrs now without any contact. Our crime was to say, 'maybe have some therapy, think about this some more before putting wrong sex hormones in your body or having those surgeries!' We miss her everyday. I thought giving up hope would free me from the pain. I just need to figure out how to keep the hope alive whilst not losing myself under the weight of it.
Adding my thanks to you for writing this. While I have been able to maintain somewhat of a relationship with my adult daughter who sees herself as non-binary, the closeness we once had disappeared when I expressed to her that no matter how she identified, she was and always will be a biological female. Still, I am grateful for those small moments that come my way when it feels like I am talking to the daughter I loved and cherished. Despite the effects of testosterone, I still see her hiding deep inside, regardless of the change in her appearance and voice.
Thank you for writing this. Mother's Day is hard with trans identified child who does not want anything to do with you. The sweet cards on Mother's Days and special breakfasts and coupons for hugs or doing dishes, etc. seem like such a distant dream now. Your last words brought tears. There is always hope....I hope.
You say “ Happiness is never found in mutilating my body or permanently altering my appearance. Removing healthy body parts and/or adding fake ones is neither healthcare nor lifesaving affirmation.”, but would you apply this logic if a man had gynecomastia(a condition that can cause someone with a male sex to grow breasts)? If someone with this condition got a mastectomy to get rid of these breasts that they do not want growing, would you classify that as “removing healthy body parts”?
How will my child even know if I give up on him? I have begun to stop hoping that he will ever be a part of my life again. I feel less grief if I think, "My child is gone. That person who walks around in his skin is not him. Just forget you had a child and move on." If someday he comes back and can be honest, I will welcome him. I fear if he came back now, before he is ready, we would all say horrible things to each other and it would drive us even further apart. I wish I could prevent him from doing irreparable harm to himself, but knowing how much it matters to me would only make him more likely to do those things. He has been so spiteful for so long. It's hard to imagine anything different now.
Thank you! I pray everyday that my daughter comes back to me. You have given me some hope❤️
I came to this from another article. Fantastic articles, realization and summary of truths. The 10th lesson really is necessary. You are loved and your family is there for you. Thank you for creating this.
Thank you Helene! I have the utmost respect for your courage and your Happy Father's Day words made me cry... haven't heard that from my girl for over 3 years. Thank you.
My heart hurts always. These words were important to me
Helene- a friend shared this with me, and oh the tears that flowed. Our daughter is 18. She wants us to let her transition, and we will not support it. She says she will pay all the co-pays, but we think she should just get her own insurance. If she starts to transition, we don't know what to do. Do we keep paying for college, car insurance, all those costs? But not medical insurance? Do we tell her she is always welcome and loved in our home, but she is on her own for all adult financial things and can't live here when not living in the dorms. My heart aches because I want to keep some relationship with her, but I don't know where the line is between support and just being too harsh and firm. Navigating this is the most painful and challenging thing we have ever done. She may choose to walk away from us, but we will never leave her. However, telling her if she transitions, she is all on her own, we really aren't giving her much of a choice but to walk away. Where is that line? What are your thoughts?
Thank you for sharing your invaluable experience as a de-transitioner. Your beautifully written and stunning article, succeeded in bringing me hope during this ongoing assault on our families. I will re-read it many times, for the wisdom you share and the insights you reveal about your own experience. How much of your original biology is still functioning, post-transition? Does anyone have information on that?
As I see it out, we have several outcomes that could occur for our Trans kids, and our families. Keeping these outcomes in mind are not very encouraging. In addition to the ongoing trial of bearing this horror, pain and separation with little family or societal support.
A) our child's pro-creative ability and/or having a healthy baby, unlikely or zero
B) life expectancy, shortened
C) health will be impacted, due to constant use of hormones and drugs to maintain the sex-change
D) Successfully integrating into society as an independent adult, with their "new" identity, and
Resuming peaceful contact with family of origin.
E) De-transitioning within 2-10 years, and returning to Reality, but with a broken body.
F) worst case: suicide post-transition 5-8 years later.
We are living through the worst attack on humanity ever devised, compounded by all the other planned destructive actions posing as "progressive, liberal or green". Globally administered by WHO, WEF, and the like. Sadly, we are now at the full-blown maturation of a nefarious social engineering program, fueled by fiendish experiments on children which started at least 70 plus years ago. What parents and young people caught in this "social contagion" are going through is perhaps the most severe spiritual test anyone can go through.
As this wonderfully eloquent article states so powerfully: life does indeed go on. Many of us are getting through this. And getting even stronger in surprising ways. Reclaiming our personal measure of sanity and serenity is a consolation prize worth treasuring.
Thank you! You are a truly good and thoughtful person for writing this. So many of us are suffering. I had wanted to be the mom I hadn’t had and I feel like a failure because she hates me. Worse. She won’t know how wonderful she was the way she was. I taught her to love herself, but I couldn’t stop the depression or the boys who hurt her and the girls who crushed her and continue to do so. I just keep
Thinking she saw me in her and wants to cut anything like me out of her life, in such a literal way.
after 1987, i was a changed woman.
i'd rather not discuss what i did.
Thank you! We do need to hear your words of wisdom.
Thank you, Helene, I had a feeling this was you. You inspire everyone and we are glad to see you writing again. You should consider writing a book! We will keep this essay forever to share with our parents that are estranged.
Thank You for writing this...the timing for me is spot on! Over the last few weeks I had finally given up hope that our daughter would ever return to us, it's been over 3.5yrs now without any contact. Our crime was to say, 'maybe have some therapy, think about this some more before putting wrong sex hormones in your body or having those surgeries!' We miss her everyday. I thought giving up hope would free me from the pain. I just need to figure out how to keep the hope alive whilst not losing myself under the weight of it.
Thank you Helene from the bottom of my heart.
Adding my thanks to you for writing this. While I have been able to maintain somewhat of a relationship with my adult daughter who sees herself as non-binary, the closeness we once had disappeared when I expressed to her that no matter how she identified, she was and always will be a biological female. Still, I am grateful for those small moments that come my way when it feels like I am talking to the daughter I loved and cherished. Despite the effects of testosterone, I still see her hiding deep inside, regardless of the change in her appearance and voice.
Thank you for writing this. Mother's Day is hard with trans identified child who does not want anything to do with you. The sweet cards on Mother's Days and special breakfasts and coupons for hugs or doing dishes, etc. seem like such a distant dream now. Your last words brought tears. There is always hope....I hope.