Being the parent of a trans child of any age is probably the most dreadful and soul crushing experience a parent can go through. When any tragedy hits a child, parents are usually surrounded by family members, friends, medical team, social groups and institutions that provide help navigating this difficult journey of some sort. But when you are the common sensical parent who is not jumping on the trans band wagon, who is not buying the trans narrative, who ask the right questions, expose the inconvenient facts and urge caution regarding gender affirming practices of all kinds (or should I say more accurately mental illness affirming), you become the villain of the story. And those very folks and institutions that used to be there for you now label you as an intolerant hateful bigot who wants their kid to die. As a result, you get socially ostracized and alienated from your own kid.
Thank you for this article it gives me hope in a time where I often don’t have much! As a mom of a trans mtf son that came out 6 months ago it’s been the hardest thing ever! Thank you for sharing your prospective it shedded light on so much! Prayers to you and your family, you have all been through a lot too 🙏
Thank you for this. My adult son and I had a tense conversation about this a couple of weeks ago. We haven't talked since. I have been struggling with if I want to reach out or not, I am worn down by the worry/fight of this and it feels easier NOT talking to him.....I was mad at him. Mad at him for saying I am not trustworthy. But your article is making me think a little different.
I am glad you are out and I am glad you are speaking up.
If you have any advice of what to say when we get the chance they would be great. We have done a lunch a couple of times a week perviously. I never know the thing to say to encourage doubt. Do I just not talk about it? Do I just ignore when he wears crazy fem things?
Tell him you love him to the bottom of your heart and always will
But true love doesn't deceive, true love doesn't fake it
And you have too much love and respect for him to affirm a lie
Especially a lie that has the potential to hurt him very bad and ruin his life
And since both of you are smart people, you're gonna do what smart people do, you're gonna agree to disagree. But one thing you want him to know is that you'll always be there for him.
And leave it at that. Ball in his camp.
If he gives you a time of silent treatment, don't act needy. Contact him only on meaningful days from his pre trans life ( like his birthday or any holiday that was very important to him before)
What do I say to my trans son today? He is freaking out about Trump and the taking away of "queer rights". I tried to send a quick text saying "I have learned that life goes on no matter who is in office" but he is in a melt down mode texting me (I haven't responded). I will have to say something. What calming thing can I say?
Sorry for the late reply, we have actually been traveling out of the country with him the last couple of weeks. We never talked about trans or politics. We just focused on having a fun time. I feel so much change is about to happen 1/20 I just wanted to have some capital in the bank. He wore makeup, had long painted nails and dangling earrings but boys clothes and was called sir the whole time (while also being told by people that they like his nails/earrings). He goes back to school soon and I keep wondering if I should say anything or just just leave it be for now (I tend to think leave it be, but also I don't know if I am just chickening out). He has been in a great mood. No demands on us. I even call my kids to dinner saying "boys!" (I originally avoided that). Last we talked about it he was "non-binary" and "figuring it out", then came the nails/dangling earrings and makeup. No discussion since.
I hope you are right and thank you for your insights. It's always good to hear from detransitioners. It's been bewildering and heartbreaking to find out my son hates me and his upbringing so much that his solution is to change his name and body, to wipe out his past, I looked after him after his father left , he rarely saw his dad, who didn't seem to care. Everything else was fairly ordinary, school, home, friends, university, holiday, usual stuff. He now has just his girlfriend, who's fully supportive of his transition and he has rejected all his family, who won't play along. I try to think he's happy now, I have to hope he is even though the rest of us are broken, otherwise what was the point?
Thank you Helene for your amazing insight and ability to tell your truth. My son is now a trans daughter at 30 years old and my love is unconditional even though I grieve for them everyday and pray for soul, body and mind healing. They are not talking to me now and this has been a pattern. All I want is for them to be truly happy, healthy in their mind, body and spirit however that happens and I continue to pray everyday. Once again, Helene, thank you so much and God Bless you too!
You say “ Happiness is never found in mutilating my body or permanently altering my appearance. Removing healthy body parts and/or adding fake ones is neither healthcare nor lifesaving affirmation.”, but would you apply this logic if a man had gynecomastia(a condition that can cause someone with a male sex to grow breasts)? If someone with this condition got a mastectomy to get rid of these breasts that they do not want growing, would you classify that as “removing healthy body parts”?
How will my child even know if I give up on him? I have begun to stop hoping that he will ever be a part of my life again. I feel less grief if I think, "My child is gone. That person who walks around in his skin is not him. Just forget you had a child and move on." If someday he comes back and can be honest, I will welcome him. I fear if he came back now, before he is ready, we would all say horrible things to each other and it would drive us even further apart. I wish I could prevent him from doing irreparable harm to himself, but knowing how much it matters to me would only make him more likely to do those things. He has been so spiteful for so long. It's hard to imagine anything different now.
I came to this from another article. Fantastic articles, realization and summary of truths. The 10th lesson really is necessary. You are loved and your family is there for you. Thank you for creating this.
Thank you Helene! I have the utmost respect for your courage and your Happy Father's Day words made me cry... haven't heard that from my girl for over 3 years. Thank you.
Helene- a friend shared this with me, and oh the tears that flowed. Our daughter is 18. She wants us to let her transition, and we will not support it. She says she will pay all the co-pays, but we think she should just get her own insurance. If she starts to transition, we don't know what to do. Do we keep paying for college, car insurance, all those costs? But not medical insurance? Do we tell her she is always welcome and loved in our home, but she is on her own for all adult financial things and can't live here when not living in the dorms. My heart aches because I want to keep some relationship with her, but I don't know where the line is between support and just being too harsh and firm. Navigating this is the most painful and challenging thing we have ever done. She may choose to walk away from us, but we will never leave her. However, telling her if she transitions, she is all on her own, we really aren't giving her much of a choice but to walk away. Where is that line? What are your thoughts?
Parenting is clearly not always an easy row to hoe -- "how sharper than a serpent's tooth to have a thankless child". Though my hat is off to those who step up to the plate and take an honest swing at it.
However, I wonder whether you and other parents in the same boat have ever asked your dysphoric kids whether they seriously think that they will actually change sex by "transitioning", whether they have a flaming clue what mainstream biology means by "male" and "female".
By standard biological definitions, many "transitions" only turn their victims into sexless eunuchs -- fine if they realize those are the consequences, but an egregious medical scandal if not.
Big part of the whole problem with the transgender clusterfuck is that virtually every last man, woman, and otherkin has entirely different and profoundly antithetical definitions for both sex and gender. Something of a useful if brief synopsis of the problem here from evolutionary biologist Colin Wright:
Oh we have had many conversations about science. Considering she loves science and wants to major in Biology and Anatomy I thought this would a reasonable place we could find common ground. Not the case. I truly think it's like she has been blinded from truth, reality and science, even while looking through a microscope at DNA cells. She has been deceived by society, peers, social media and even herself. And we will love and patiently wait for the maturity process and the frontal lobe brain development to occur. As we wait, we cry a lot of tears. She can't see what we see. I didn't see it at 18, and I didn't understand my parents saying to me "at 49 years old we have seen and learned a few things... trust us- you're still figuring out who you are."
"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."
But I still wonder what she thinks it takes to qualify as male and female. You and she might check out the definitions in the Glossary of this article in the Journal of Molecular Human Reproduction:
Thank you for sharing your invaluable experience as a de-transitioner. Your beautifully written and stunning article, succeeded in bringing me hope during this ongoing assault on our families. I will re-read it many times, for the wisdom you share and the insights you reveal about your own experience. How much of your original biology is still functioning, post-transition? Does anyone have information on that?
As I see it out, we have several outcomes that could occur for our Trans kids, and our families. Keeping these outcomes in mind are not very encouraging. In addition to the ongoing trial of bearing this horror, pain and separation with little family or societal support.
A) our child's pro-creative ability and/or having a healthy baby, unlikely or zero
B) life expectancy, shortened
C) health will be impacted, due to constant use of hormones and drugs to maintain the sex-change
D) Successfully integrating into society as an independent adult, with their "new" identity, and
Resuming peaceful contact with family of origin.
E) De-transitioning within 2-10 years, and returning to Reality, but with a broken body.
F) worst case: suicide post-transition 5-8 years later.
We are living through the worst attack on humanity ever devised, compounded by all the other planned destructive actions posing as "progressive, liberal or green". Globally administered by WHO, WEF, and the like. Sadly, we are now at the full-blown maturation of a nefarious social engineering program, fueled by fiendish experiments on children which started at least 70 plus years ago. What parents and young people caught in this "social contagion" are going through is perhaps the most severe spiritual test anyone can go through.
As this wonderfully eloquent article states so powerfully: life does indeed go on. Many of us are getting through this. And getting even stronger in surprising ways. Reclaiming our personal measure of sanity and serenity is a consolation prize worth treasuring.
Thank you! You are a truly good and thoughtful person for writing this. So many of us are suffering. I had wanted to be the mom I hadn’t had and I feel like a failure because she hates me. Worse. She won’t know how wonderful she was the way she was. I taught her to love herself, but I couldn’t stop the depression or the boys who hurt her and the girls who crushed her and continue to do so. I just keep
Thinking she saw me in her and wants to cut anything like me out of her life, in such a literal way.
Beautifully said. I remember my happy boy at age 3 or 4, before the baffling and cutting experiences of other kids' cruelty that planted the seeds of self-rejection. I couldn't teach him how to make other boys like him. I think eventually he decided that my love was worthless and that I was stupid for loving him. He only cared about the love he couldn't have.
Thank you for this article it gives me hope in a time where I often don’t have much! As a mom of a trans mtf son that came out 6 months ago it’s been the hardest thing ever! Thank you for sharing your prospective it shedded light on so much! Prayers to you and your family, you have all been through a lot too 🙏
Thank you for this. My adult son and I had a tense conversation about this a couple of weeks ago. We haven't talked since. I have been struggling with if I want to reach out or not, I am worn down by the worry/fight of this and it feels easier NOT talking to him.....I was mad at him. Mad at him for saying I am not trustworthy. But your article is making me think a little different.
I am glad you are out and I am glad you are speaking up.
If you have any advice of what to say when we get the chance they would be great. We have done a lunch a couple of times a week perviously. I never know the thing to say to encourage doubt. Do I just not talk about it? Do I just ignore when he wears crazy fem things?
Tell him you love him to the bottom of your heart and always will
But true love doesn't deceive, true love doesn't fake it
And you have too much love and respect for him to affirm a lie
Especially a lie that has the potential to hurt him very bad and ruin his life
And since both of you are smart people, you're gonna do what smart people do, you're gonna agree to disagree. But one thing you want him to know is that you'll always be there for him.
And leave it at that. Ball in his camp.
If he gives you a time of silent treatment, don't act needy. Contact him only on meaningful days from his pre trans life ( like his birthday or any holiday that was very important to him before)
And then take good care of yourself
It takes time to wake up from the
trans coma
Wishing you the best 🙏
What do I say to my trans son today? He is freaking out about Trump and the taking away of "queer rights". I tried to send a quick text saying "I have learned that life goes on no matter who is in office" but he is in a melt down mode texting me (I haven't responded). I will have to say something. What calming thing can I say?
I'm sorry I'm not on the site too often and I didn't see your message until today
He definitely needed some time to cool off
How is he doing 6 weeks later?
Sorry for the late reply, we have actually been traveling out of the country with him the last couple of weeks. We never talked about trans or politics. We just focused on having a fun time. I feel so much change is about to happen 1/20 I just wanted to have some capital in the bank. He wore makeup, had long painted nails and dangling earrings but boys clothes and was called sir the whole time (while also being told by people that they like his nails/earrings). He goes back to school soon and I keep wondering if I should say anything or just just leave it be for now (I tend to think leave it be, but also I don't know if I am just chickening out). He has been in a great mood. No demands on us. I even call my kids to dinner saying "boys!" (I originally avoided that). Last we talked about it he was "non-binary" and "figuring it out", then came the nails/dangling earrings and makeup. No discussion since.
This has meant a lot to me. I re-read it every day.
I hope you are right and thank you for your insights. It's always good to hear from detransitioners. It's been bewildering and heartbreaking to find out my son hates me and his upbringing so much that his solution is to change his name and body, to wipe out his past, I looked after him after his father left , he rarely saw his dad, who didn't seem to care. Everything else was fairly ordinary, school, home, friends, university, holiday, usual stuff. He now has just his girlfriend, who's fully supportive of his transition and he has rejected all his family, who won't play along. I try to think he's happy now, I have to hope he is even though the rest of us are broken, otherwise what was the point?
Transitioning to someone you're not and never will be cannot ever bring lasting happiness besides the bliss of a short lived honeymoon phase.
It's a bandaid on a cancer of the soul.
You have been and are still a great mom. No one can take that away from you. You have done all you could. Now it's on him.
In the meantime, take good care of yourself. You matter as much as him.
Wishing you the best
Do you us all proud Helene. Thank you for being such an inspiration.
Thank you Helene for your amazing insight and ability to tell your truth. My son is now a trans daughter at 30 years old and my love is unconditional even though I grieve for them everyday and pray for soul, body and mind healing. They are not talking to me now and this has been a pattern. All I want is for them to be truly happy, healthy in their mind, body and spirit however that happens and I continue to pray everyday. Once again, Helene, thank you so much and God Bless you too!
You say “ Happiness is never found in mutilating my body or permanently altering my appearance. Removing healthy body parts and/or adding fake ones is neither healthcare nor lifesaving affirmation.”, but would you apply this logic if a man had gynecomastia(a condition that can cause someone with a male sex to grow breasts)? If someone with this condition got a mastectomy to get rid of these breasts that they do not want growing, would you classify that as “removing healthy body parts”?
Left hemisphere capture detected
How will my child even know if I give up on him? I have begun to stop hoping that he will ever be a part of my life again. I feel less grief if I think, "My child is gone. That person who walks around in his skin is not him. Just forget you had a child and move on." If someday he comes back and can be honest, I will welcome him. I fear if he came back now, before he is ready, we would all say horrible things to each other and it would drive us even further apart. I wish I could prevent him from doing irreparable harm to himself, but knowing how much it matters to me would only make him more likely to do those things. He has been so spiteful for so long. It's hard to imagine anything different now.
Oh dear, any change in these past 3 months? Sending hugs ♡♡
Thank you! I pray everyday that my daughter comes back to me. You have given me some hope❤️
I came to this from another article. Fantastic articles, realization and summary of truths. The 10th lesson really is necessary. You are loved and your family is there for you. Thank you for creating this.
Thank you Helene! I have the utmost respect for your courage and your Happy Father's Day words made me cry... haven't heard that from my girl for over 3 years. Thank you.
My heart hurts always. These words were important to me
Helene- a friend shared this with me, and oh the tears that flowed. Our daughter is 18. She wants us to let her transition, and we will not support it. She says she will pay all the co-pays, but we think she should just get her own insurance. If she starts to transition, we don't know what to do. Do we keep paying for college, car insurance, all those costs? But not medical insurance? Do we tell her she is always welcome and loved in our home, but she is on her own for all adult financial things and can't live here when not living in the dorms. My heart aches because I want to keep some relationship with her, but I don't know where the line is between support and just being too harsh and firm. Navigating this is the most painful and challenging thing we have ever done. She may choose to walk away from us, but we will never leave her. However, telling her if she transitions, she is all on her own, we really aren't giving her much of a choice but to walk away. Where is that line? What are your thoughts?
Parenting is clearly not always an easy row to hoe -- "how sharper than a serpent's tooth to have a thankless child". Though my hat is off to those who step up to the plate and take an honest swing at it.
However, I wonder whether you and other parents in the same boat have ever asked your dysphoric kids whether they seriously think that they will actually change sex by "transitioning", whether they have a flaming clue what mainstream biology means by "male" and "female".
By standard biological definitions, many "transitions" only turn their victims into sexless eunuchs -- fine if they realize those are the consequences, but an egregious medical scandal if not.
Big part of the whole problem with the transgender clusterfuck is that virtually every last man, woman, and otherkin has entirely different and profoundly antithetical definitions for both sex and gender. Something of a useful if brief synopsis of the problem here from evolutionary biologist Colin Wright:
https://twitter.com/SwipeWright/status/1234040036091236352
Oh we have had many conversations about science. Considering she loves science and wants to major in Biology and Anatomy I thought this would a reasonable place we could find common ground. Not the case. I truly think it's like she has been blinded from truth, reality and science, even while looking through a microscope at DNA cells. She has been deceived by society, peers, social media and even herself. And we will love and patiently wait for the maturity process and the frontal lobe brain development to occur. As we wait, we cry a lot of tears. She can't see what we see. I didn't see it at 18, and I didn't understand my parents saying to me "at 49 years old we have seen and learned a few things... trust us- you're still figuring out who you are."
See Mark Twain 😉🙂:
"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/78468-when-i-was-a-boy-of-14-my-father-was
But I still wonder what she thinks it takes to qualify as male and female. You and she might check out the definitions in the Glossary of this article in the Journal of Molecular Human Reproduction:
https://academic.oup.com/molehr/article/20/12/1161/1062990
And, somewhat more broadly, my post on Binarists vs Spectrumists:
https://humanuseofhumanbeings.substack.com/p/binarists-vs-spectrumists
Good luck to you and all parents in the same boat.
Thank you for sharing your invaluable experience as a de-transitioner. Your beautifully written and stunning article, succeeded in bringing me hope during this ongoing assault on our families. I will re-read it many times, for the wisdom you share and the insights you reveal about your own experience. How much of your original biology is still functioning, post-transition? Does anyone have information on that?
As I see it out, we have several outcomes that could occur for our Trans kids, and our families. Keeping these outcomes in mind are not very encouraging. In addition to the ongoing trial of bearing this horror, pain and separation with little family or societal support.
A) our child's pro-creative ability and/or having a healthy baby, unlikely or zero
B) life expectancy, shortened
C) health will be impacted, due to constant use of hormones and drugs to maintain the sex-change
D) Successfully integrating into society as an independent adult, with their "new" identity, and
Resuming peaceful contact with family of origin.
E) De-transitioning within 2-10 years, and returning to Reality, but with a broken body.
F) worst case: suicide post-transition 5-8 years later.
We are living through the worst attack on humanity ever devised, compounded by all the other planned destructive actions posing as "progressive, liberal or green". Globally administered by WHO, WEF, and the like. Sadly, we are now at the full-blown maturation of a nefarious social engineering program, fueled by fiendish experiments on children which started at least 70 plus years ago. What parents and young people caught in this "social contagion" are going through is perhaps the most severe spiritual test anyone can go through.
As this wonderfully eloquent article states so powerfully: life does indeed go on. Many of us are getting through this. And getting even stronger in surprising ways. Reclaiming our personal measure of sanity and serenity is a consolation prize worth treasuring.
Thank you! You are a truly good and thoughtful person for writing this. So many of us are suffering. I had wanted to be the mom I hadn’t had and I feel like a failure because she hates me. Worse. She won’t know how wonderful she was the way she was. I taught her to love herself, but I couldn’t stop the depression or the boys who hurt her and the girls who crushed her and continue to do so. I just keep
Thinking she saw me in her and wants to cut anything like me out of her life, in such a literal way.
How are you doing now? Has he come around?
Beautifully said. I remember my happy boy at age 3 or 4, before the baffling and cutting experiences of other kids' cruelty that planted the seeds of self-rejection. I couldn't teach him how to make other boys like him. I think eventually he decided that my love was worthless and that I was stupid for loving him. He only cared about the love he couldn't have.
after 1987, i was a changed woman.
i'd rather not discuss what i did.
Thank you! We do need to hear your words of wisdom.