I have heard it said repeatedly, ad nauseam:"As long as they are happy and being their true self…" This is what well-intentioned friends and acquaintances say when I drop the trans bomb in their laps—that my son, suddenly, out of nowhere, at the age of 24, announced he is a woman, and not a man. That was almost 3 years ago and life has been, well... a journey is the best way to describe it. I am writing the story of this journey down for one reason only: So others can understand the depth and breadth of how transition affects a family. I do not want your sympathy. I only want the same compassion you allow those undergoing a transition. Or parents who have lost a child.
Your writing is on point to this tragic ideology and how it has devastated so many families, mine being one of them too 😔 There isn’t a single days that goes by that I don’t think about my son and how his world, and mine, have changed so much. My son announced this to me 7 months ago at the age of 22. No prior history of mental health issues or any showing of wanting to be a girl. He too has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for several years. At this time she is standing behind him, although I’m pretty sure she hasn’t told her family. Thank you for being brave and telling your story!!
Thank you for your courage in sharing this. My adult son, although not in transition himself, is entrenched in this community. His former girlfriend and current best friend transitioned to a 'they' (I don't know what else to call it). I adored this girl and hoped they would marry. They were perfect for each other in every way. Her mother felt the same way about my son, and we were excited about the prospects for their future together. Well, the friend started experiencing the same kinds of emotional problems that I had when I was her age - an artist trying to find work and identity in an unforgiving and discompassionate profession. But instead of pushing through the difficulties, she blamed all her troubles on her breasts, and the fact that she was a woman. Her friends urged her to trans. She couldn't afford it, and although her mom could, she asked her to wait a few years to be sure. But her rich friends in this community quickly offered her a check for $25k to get it done, so her mother was pushed out of the equation. Nevertheless, she did go along with it, showed up at the surgery, and has made valiant efforts to adapt, and contain her grief. A grief her daughter will never acknowledge. My son and I were exceptionally close before all of this happened. I saw the grief and pain in the mother's eyes and body, and the whole thing was so upsetting to me. I had a hard time remembering to call them the right pronouns & new name, and every time I made a mistake I saw a flicker of disgust across my son's face. It's been about 3 years now, and my son has been creating more & more distance between us, as he goes further into their world of fantasy and disconnection from the real world. Last summer, we had a fight about something minor, and he cut me off. He ghosted me for 5 months. I thought I'd die. I'm a single mom and he is my only family. Let me just say that I am a very progressive person. I work in the arts so I've been around gay & queer people all my life, and my son was raised in this world. I taught him tolerance and compassion for all people. We are talking again, but it is strained and I don't really know him anymore. He's nearly a stranger to me. The son I knew was kind, loving, and so very compassionate. He shared everything with me. I don't know him anymore, and I don't know if I ever will. It's killing me. He isn't even in transition and it has destroyed our relationship! It's a cult!
Tolerance has it's useful limits. We have allowed it to go way too far. Sometimes, we actually need that hard line in society that prevents progressives from leaping off the diving board into an empty pool.
My heart breaks for your loss and I am trying to figure out myself how to safeguard my children against this evil, child-destroying ideology.
Thank you so much for putting into words all the feelings and experiences of one more family who is losing a son, brother, grandson, cousing, friend. It all sounds so familiar, like a cookie cutter story. But this is definitely not a fairytale, much more like a horror story on a rollercoaster. As a mother of an adult son, I watch in despair as he fades away. I pray for strength for all of us to overcome this trauma.
"We have lost a son for whom we cannot publicly mourn"
That's exactly how we feel. We are now estranged 3.5 years. Prior to our estrangement, I used to think the worst thing that could happen to a person was the death of a child. I now know there is something worse.
Yes. I actually have two friends whose sons died around this same age, mid twenties. I can't imagine their suffering. On the other hand at least they're not constantly reproached for not being glad to lose their son.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It seems so unfair that you continue to live and care about this person, although of course, you are noble and loving to do so. I wish I could understand where this mad urge to self destruct stems from, then maybe we could act to stop it at source. Madness, madness
Thank you so much for your story. Will pray for your son, and for you. My heart aches for you, and for all of us caught in this horrible scenario. I have 3 adult trans grandchildren. One F to M, and two M to F. I am alienated from all of them, not by my choice. The last I heard, my F to M granddaughter (who has three children), is separated from her husband. I have no idea how her children, my great grandchildren are doing. The person my granddaughter is involved with now, appears to be a biological female. My oldest M to F grandson, who first identified as homosexual before transitioning, is involved with a biological female. My youngest M to F grandson, (the youngest to transition starting at 17 or so), is evidently not involved with anyone and plays games and writes. All these young people were verbally and sexually abused, and abandoned by one parent or another. As far as I know, none of my grandchildren work at a job. Mental illness and autism runs in our family, and one of these had been diagnosed as autistic. They all suffer other mental issues, such as depression and anxiety. Before my family broke apart, I dared to say to my son, (the father of all), "I miss my grandchild." He angrily told me, "It is still the same person, Mom!" I beg to differ. The granddaughter that I knew and loved, would never have turned on me, with clenched fists and raised voice, shaking with rage, over stupid stuff. She would not have abandoned me. The grandsons that I knew and loved would not have closed me out of their lives, for years, for what? My late husband and I helped raise these children, as their lives were torn apart by one parent or another's actions. We put our lives on hold, to be there when needed. I will always love them. I miss them so much and continue to pray for them. I also pray that this whole nightmare falls apart, and the truth is revealed of what has been done to these vulnerable people and their families, for what? Profit and "wokeness".
For a very short period in the autumn, maybe a week and a half at most, my kid seemed to surface. I saw my old kid — happy, able to joke about things, spending time with me, not taking himself so seriously, polite (thank you, please, calling me "mom" instead of just grunting at me…) — and then the window closed. I don't know what brought it on and I haven't seen him since. It makes me believe that he's still in there somewhere, lost in the chaos created by the cult messaging: that I am his enemy, that I don't have his best interests in mind, that I don't love him, that I am an ignorant, backwards, hateful bigot, that I would rather risk his life than allow him to be his "authentic" self. He gets these messages online, but they are reinforced by the clinicians associated with this hideous cult as well as teachers and other parents, and of course politicians and lying supreme court nominees. I cannot believe this messaging isn't immensely destabilizing for adolescents — traumatizing, in fact. Even kids who have managed to get out of this without hormones and surgery should get mental health support to understand what had happened to them. But of course, whoever would we trust for that?
Thank you for your compelling article. It resonates with awareness of how gender ideology extends its tentacles into the whole family. My son also descends further into this Orwellian nightmare. Your essay offers compassionate company in this long ongoing storm. All of the PITT articles offer hope that someday the vaccine of reality will diminish the gender ideology mind virus. I also hope the professionals enabling harm will wake up as well. Shame on them.
I have no experience of a trans child but did have experience of anorexia. Watching your child digest herself after the reserves of fat were gone was bad. So I know bad. Death is a risk with anorexia. I found I could no longer bring myself to visit her in hospital so I stopped.
Guess what?
She started eating. Slowly at first but was discharged never to return.
I did what I had to do. I saved my life. When flying, in case of accident, put your own mask on first.
Where did my (trans) ex-husband go? Well he behaved so badly - "gaslighting" day and night for 4 years - that when he left it was a kind of relief, but it was not a relief because he left an enormous hole, a memory of the man whom I had married 14 years before. He left his two children by our marriage. He gained nothing: he hated other "transwomen" and threw out a trans lodger having made fun of him. He was utterly unbearable. But still, WHERE did the old Paul go to? I do not know.
Thanks for sharing. I don't think your son is gone or a different person - or they are only in a manner of speaking. He is still your son but with ideology, hormones and plastic surgery added. So much of this is nothing more than an idea, a thought stuck in his head. In the case of my son, if the problem didn't manifest in this way, it would be manifesting in another way.
The author asks, "When this stranger moved in, where did our son go?" That's exactly what I wonder about too, I had a wonderful son. And now he is gone, when I look at the unhealthy confused young man I used to know - I think "where did you go? what have you done with my son"? Truly this trans nightmare is our children erasing themselves. It is a suicide with the body still in suspended animation. I miss my son.
Your writing is on point to this tragic ideology and how it has devastated so many families, mine being one of them too 😔 There isn’t a single days that goes by that I don’t think about my son and how his world, and mine, have changed so much. My son announced this to me 7 months ago at the age of 22. No prior history of mental health issues or any showing of wanting to be a girl. He too has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for several years. At this time she is standing behind him, although I’m pretty sure she hasn’t told her family. Thank you for being brave and telling your story!!
Thank you for your courage in sharing this. My adult son, although not in transition himself, is entrenched in this community. His former girlfriend and current best friend transitioned to a 'they' (I don't know what else to call it). I adored this girl and hoped they would marry. They were perfect for each other in every way. Her mother felt the same way about my son, and we were excited about the prospects for their future together. Well, the friend started experiencing the same kinds of emotional problems that I had when I was her age - an artist trying to find work and identity in an unforgiving and discompassionate profession. But instead of pushing through the difficulties, she blamed all her troubles on her breasts, and the fact that she was a woman. Her friends urged her to trans. She couldn't afford it, and although her mom could, she asked her to wait a few years to be sure. But her rich friends in this community quickly offered her a check for $25k to get it done, so her mother was pushed out of the equation. Nevertheless, she did go along with it, showed up at the surgery, and has made valiant efforts to adapt, and contain her grief. A grief her daughter will never acknowledge. My son and I were exceptionally close before all of this happened. I saw the grief and pain in the mother's eyes and body, and the whole thing was so upsetting to me. I had a hard time remembering to call them the right pronouns & new name, and every time I made a mistake I saw a flicker of disgust across my son's face. It's been about 3 years now, and my son has been creating more & more distance between us, as he goes further into their world of fantasy and disconnection from the real world. Last summer, we had a fight about something minor, and he cut me off. He ghosted me for 5 months. I thought I'd die. I'm a single mom and he is my only family. Let me just say that I am a very progressive person. I work in the arts so I've been around gay & queer people all my life, and my son was raised in this world. I taught him tolerance and compassion for all people. We are talking again, but it is strained and I don't really know him anymore. He's nearly a stranger to me. The son I knew was kind, loving, and so very compassionate. He shared everything with me. I don't know him anymore, and I don't know if I ever will. It's killing me. He isn't even in transition and it has destroyed our relationship! It's a cult!
Tolerance has it's useful limits. We have allowed it to go way too far. Sometimes, we actually need that hard line in society that prevents progressives from leaping off the diving board into an empty pool.
My heart breaks for your loss and I am trying to figure out myself how to safeguard my children against this evil, child-destroying ideology.
Any advice?
Thank you so much for putting into words all the feelings and experiences of one more family who is losing a son, brother, grandson, cousing, friend. It all sounds so familiar, like a cookie cutter story. But this is definitely not a fairytale, much more like a horror story on a rollercoaster. As a mother of an adult son, I watch in despair as he fades away. I pray for strength for all of us to overcome this trauma.
Thank you for writing this and describing the experience so well. I am living this story. An unending nightmare.
Sometimes I think nobody understands however hard they try. It's good to hear from someone who does.
"We have lost a son for whom we cannot publicly mourn"
That's exactly how we feel. We are now estranged 3.5 years. Prior to our estrangement, I used to think the worst thing that could happen to a person was the death of a child. I now know there is something worse.
Nor do they live in the unending torment of hope that their son will one day return to them.
Yes. I actually have two friends whose sons died around this same age, mid twenties. I can't imagine their suffering. On the other hand at least they're not constantly reproached for not being glad to lose their son.
So sorry!
What you described is eerily similar to someone who's joined a cult.
Like NXIVM. I think that alot.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It seems so unfair that you continue to live and care about this person, although of course, you are noble and loving to do so. I wish I could understand where this mad urge to self destruct stems from, then maybe we could act to stop it at source. Madness, madness
Thank you so much for your story. Will pray for your son, and for you. My heart aches for you, and for all of us caught in this horrible scenario. I have 3 adult trans grandchildren. One F to M, and two M to F. I am alienated from all of them, not by my choice. The last I heard, my F to M granddaughter (who has three children), is separated from her husband. I have no idea how her children, my great grandchildren are doing. The person my granddaughter is involved with now, appears to be a biological female. My oldest M to F grandson, who first identified as homosexual before transitioning, is involved with a biological female. My youngest M to F grandson, (the youngest to transition starting at 17 or so), is evidently not involved with anyone and plays games and writes. All these young people were verbally and sexually abused, and abandoned by one parent or another. As far as I know, none of my grandchildren work at a job. Mental illness and autism runs in our family, and one of these had been diagnosed as autistic. They all suffer other mental issues, such as depression and anxiety. Before my family broke apart, I dared to say to my son, (the father of all), "I miss my grandchild." He angrily told me, "It is still the same person, Mom!" I beg to differ. The granddaughter that I knew and loved, would never have turned on me, with clenched fists and raised voice, shaking with rage, over stupid stuff. She would not have abandoned me. The grandsons that I knew and loved would not have closed me out of their lives, for years, for what? My late husband and I helped raise these children, as their lives were torn apart by one parent or another's actions. We put our lives on hold, to be there when needed. I will always love them. I miss them so much and continue to pray for them. I also pray that this whole nightmare falls apart, and the truth is revealed of what has been done to these vulnerable people and their families, for what? Profit and "wokeness".
For a very short period in the autumn, maybe a week and a half at most, my kid seemed to surface. I saw my old kid — happy, able to joke about things, spending time with me, not taking himself so seriously, polite (thank you, please, calling me "mom" instead of just grunting at me…) — and then the window closed. I don't know what brought it on and I haven't seen him since. It makes me believe that he's still in there somewhere, lost in the chaos created by the cult messaging: that I am his enemy, that I don't have his best interests in mind, that I don't love him, that I am an ignorant, backwards, hateful bigot, that I would rather risk his life than allow him to be his "authentic" self. He gets these messages online, but they are reinforced by the clinicians associated with this hideous cult as well as teachers and other parents, and of course politicians and lying supreme court nominees. I cannot believe this messaging isn't immensely destabilizing for adolescents — traumatizing, in fact. Even kids who have managed to get out of this without hormones and surgery should get mental health support to understand what had happened to them. But of course, whoever would we trust for that?
Another EXCELLENT PITT essay! Thank you for giving us a window into that world.
Thank you for your compelling article. It resonates with awareness of how gender ideology extends its tentacles into the whole family. My son also descends further into this Orwellian nightmare. Your essay offers compassionate company in this long ongoing storm. All of the PITT articles offer hope that someday the vaccine of reality will diminish the gender ideology mind virus. I also hope the professionals enabling harm will wake up as well. Shame on them.
I have no experience of a trans child but did have experience of anorexia. Watching your child digest herself after the reserves of fat were gone was bad. So I know bad. Death is a risk with anorexia. I found I could no longer bring myself to visit her in hospital so I stopped.
Guess what?
She started eating. Slowly at first but was discharged never to return.
I did what I had to do. I saved my life. When flying, in case of accident, put your own mask on first.
Where did my (trans) ex-husband go? Well he behaved so badly - "gaslighting" day and night for 4 years - that when he left it was a kind of relief, but it was not a relief because he left an enormous hole, a memory of the man whom I had married 14 years before. He left his two children by our marriage. He gained nothing: he hated other "transwomen" and threw out a trans lodger having made fun of him. He was utterly unbearable. But still, WHERE did the old Paul go to? I do not know.
AGP? Seems like that can really come to consume a man completely.
Yes. It has left him completely "down the rabbit hole". In psychiatric terms he is "psychotic" and has no "insight" into his emotions.
Thanks for sharing. I don't think your son is gone or a different person - or they are only in a manner of speaking. He is still your son but with ideology, hormones and plastic surgery added. So much of this is nothing more than an idea, a thought stuck in his head. In the case of my son, if the problem didn't manifest in this way, it would be manifesting in another way.
The author asks, "When this stranger moved in, where did our son go?" That's exactly what I wonder about too, I had a wonderful son. And now he is gone, when I look at the unhealthy confused young man I used to know - I think "where did you go? what have you done with my son"? Truly this trans nightmare is our children erasing themselves. It is a suicide with the body still in suspended animation. I miss my son.