Bracing
I frequently try to imagine how I will respond.
I have hope that my daughter will desist. And there are moments this seems likely. But then, there are other times I know she is doomed.
So, I try to imagine how I will respond. Maybe this is self-preservation. Some form of pre-grieving to make it less of a shock or less painful.
How will I respond when she first announces she is taking testosterone?
Will I cry? Will I distance myself? Will I be angry?
How will I respond the first time I hear a new voice on the phone?
Will I hang up?
Will I be able to stay close to her? What will our relationship look like? Will I ever be able to introduce her as my son?
Could I live without her? Could I live with myself if I decide I am not strong enough to stand by and watch.
If she regrets, will she tell me? If our relationship is estranged who would she turn to? Would she harm herself? How could I live with myself then?
So do I stay in her life, at the expense of myself just because she will need her mom if she needs to get off the train
Over the last year our relationship has been in such a good place. Is there enough time to get this to end before all of my worst thoughts are realized? She is 16 years old. Is there enough time?
Since my now 22 year old son plunged into the "trans" abyss at 19, I have been able to maintain sporadic contact despite the horrid sting of seeing him deterioate mentally and physically. However, I cannot will myself to call him by his stupid name or pronoun nor affirm his charade. To do so would betray the foundation of love for my son, which I cannot bear. Since my son is aware of my refusal to indulge his narcissistic delusion, I wonder if he may decide to refuse sparse in-person visits, or perhaps even ignore occasional benign texts and emails. I also try to pre-grieve estrangement, but this task seems impossible. How does one pre-grieve a precious child?? Unless he detransitions, this primal loss will ache for the rest of my life. There is no escape from being cheated from my son thriving and our sick society stealing his potential and health while shunning the validity of my pain and outrage. So I hope my confused brainwashed son will stay in touch with me, even in a minimal way. But if he doesn't someday, which could be this week (who knows?), I will have to trudge on, and I will, though with an even heavier heart than I am enduring now.
I really think you got time! Without knowing your daughter, I think there is a very good chance she will desist - just from observing my daughter's social circle, many girls desist. Plus, the tide is changing! The lawsuits are coming, people are starting to speak up more, etc. Best of luck. Do take care of yourself!