Omg, if only my son was 16! Take her away! Get her out of school and away from social media now! Whatever it takes, do it! Watching this trans person slowly kill my son has been the worse pain of my life!!
It is not too late to assert your God-given parental authority over her. In case of emergency break glass and whisk her away somewhere far and just the two of you and your husband live in a tiny cottage getting to know each other again. You are her parent and you do have authority over her. Do not apologize for that.
Get her off the internet and disconnect her from the people that are brainwashing her. Move if you have to. You only have 2 years before she moves out and never speak to you again.
It’s OK to go there, but just a little so you don’t risk starting any Macbethian chain of events. Here are some thoughts I’ve had, when I go there.
I will float out of my body and just hover above, like trauma victims do in the moment. When I come down I will feel like a failure but then I’ll remember what my brother said: no parent is good at this. I will feel a part of me died and then I’ll I remember what my father said: you may one day have to make peace that you tried your very best. I wont shield her from whatever visceral response that comes out me. I will always want her in my life but maybe not this year, and after years of white knuckle driving I’ll let go of the steering wheel for a while.
Mine is 19 now. I was terrified of 18, but I couldn’t stop time and so I just did my best, that’s all you can do (#serenityprayer): lean in with love, don’t make gender everything, respectfully disagree and move on, go visit extended family, nature, keep her mind occupied with other positive experiences, take care of your self, try to plan seeds of doubt, build other identities eg family history, sign her up for experiences that will build her confidence….
The marathon is not over but it’s better and yours is younger so I am so hopeful that despite the ups and down the overall trend will be up. Love her to death!
I hope there is time. I truly do. I think ‘unconditional love’ means exactly that but gently, quietly, lovingly asking the questions you need to may slowly make an impact. It’s such a delicate balance.
When my daughter was dating a woman who was using they / them and wanting to be male it was hard, really hard.
I held to my belief system that mutilating the body was wrong. Just because you should love yourself. Because you are lovable. And loved.
She chose to end the relationship for her own reasons. I respected that as I respected her. I had faith in the child I raised.
This is so poignant, and so familiar. While bracing is such a natural reaction, it is based on fear. When my teen (now desisted) still identified as trans, I made an effort not to succumb to bracing, but instead I imagined how I would react to a desistance announcement. I imagined, and tried to *feel* the happiness and relief. I embraced this feeling and tried to experience it in my body and in my soul. I practised daily. Part of me was worried that I was deluding myself. I wondered if bracing would have me better prepared for the worst case scenario. But imagining and feeling joy and relief gave me strength as well. It sustained me.
Yes, there is enough time. She is only 16. We all mature so drastically between 16 and 17, between 17 and 18. For us, adults, these two years a just a blink, but for them, at their age, 2 years is an eternity. During this eternity they have time to grow up.
Visualizing desistance is such an excellent advise! I love it! Not only does it help parents get through this awful time, I think it also helps the kids. Our children see us, they can feel our fear and our despair, but they also can feel and see our confidence if we can muster it. If they see us confident in the truth and in them, they may start doubting the vile ideology quicker and become confident in who they really are!
I refuse to think about it or consider the possibility that it could happen. Just out of self-preservation. There is no sense in borrowing trouble from the future. My daughter is now 19 and has not shown signs she is considering medicalizing. She still lives with us. Some days I think she is close to desisting, other days she seems as indoctrinated as ever. I have to believe that if she doesn’t medicalize, she will eventually come to her senses.
Stick to the truth, always. Be her rock. I'd pull her from public school if she's in it. Monitor her internet use and know her friends. Dive into family history and old photos/ videos. Find activities to do together- anything to get off the devices! Get outside together. Travel. Practice your faith and get her involved with it. Anything to distract from this nonsense death cult.
Because if she does go all in, you will cry, scream, wail, get angry, lose your mind and never sleep! I was actually suicidal for the first months. My husband also cried like I never knew a grown man could. It came up spontaneously and uncontrollably...sobbing. Devastated. Whatever you do, don't sit back and passively watch. Engage more with your daughter every moment that you can. You've been given the huge blessing of a warning. Many of us here, like myself, were completely blindsided once she was away at college. I am praying for your daughter to wake up and desist. This poisonous cult is extremely contagious and grows once it takes a stronghold in the mind. As parents, we have to be firm with this bullcrap and put an end to it. No, you would never abandon her, but she will abandon you if she sinks further. Just spent our 4th Christmas without our 21-year old daughter. It never gets easier.
I can relate to every sentence of this. My daughter is 16 and starting the desistance process and I expect some back and forth. When she was 15, she told me she would harm herself if she didnt get gender affirming care. The real changes started when I started working on myself (therapy, coaching). Hang in there, there is time, take it day by day and work on the relationship and build trust. Dont offer advice unless it is asked for. Come from a place of love and curiosity and ask lots of questions. Give her space to start to have her own doubts. You can get through this.
What I’m 100 percent sure of is that I will never abandon her, no matter what. I will still NOT affirm but she’ll need me more than ever IF, God forbid, she decides to resort to drugs and surgeries. I shall love and care for her until my last breath.
I asked myself a lot of those same questions when my daughter was 16. We were in a race against time, knowing that things might fall off a cliff when she turned 18. Keep on keeping on, every day is a new day for her to change her mind or wake up.
But I will say my daughter did not. She went to college, went all-in and is now 19 and on T for the last nine months. You can prepare for that moment for years (we all have) and it's still seismic when it happens. If I could give one piece of advice, don't spend too much time worrying about the what-ifs years from now, because it takes away from you being present for today. Focus on making the next right decision in the moment. Thinking of you and hoping so much that you get the outcome you're yearning for.
This is our family's situation, too. 19, with TID in college and on T since April. Home now for winter break, and I am working hard on keeping the attachment and love strong. The identity - or more accurately the T - is the elephant in the room. Keeping the present full of love is what I can do.
I emphasize the natural with my girls, healthy nutrition, natural beauty. Why would we want to be on drugs? And these hormones result in not only polluting our bodies but pollute the water supply? Look at the Hollywood crowd who have done body modifications for outward beauty who have harmed their good looks and health. Let’s be thankful and grateful that we are beautifully and wonderfully made!
I stayed. I stood by the name I gave her. I refused the honor of choosing her new middle name. I kept calling her love, baby, darling, sweets. I avoid pronouns and when I can't I use she and her. To her younger sister she is still sissy, despite the moustache and the deep voice. I asked her to not color the fuzz she calls a beard in my house. I stayed, because one day she might come around and she needs to know we loved her through everything, even when she hurt us, despised us, called us names. Love endures all. Stay.
Yes , there is time yes there is hope!!!! Try to imagine her fully restored , healed free from the insanity that grips her mind . Enjoy every moment with her celebrate her love, her fiercely no one knows what tomorrow brings . You have today to love.
She’s 16 get her on a plane an far away from any influence of this. Just you and her and travel get her to woman’s gatherings and you still have time
Omg, if only my son was 16! Take her away! Get her out of school and away from social media now! Whatever it takes, do it! Watching this trans person slowly kill my son has been the worse pain of my life!!
It is not too late to assert your God-given parental authority over her. In case of emergency break glass and whisk her away somewhere far and just the two of you and your husband live in a tiny cottage getting to know each other again. You are her parent and you do have authority over her. Do not apologize for that.
Get her off the internet and disconnect her from the people that are brainwashing her. Move if you have to. You only have 2 years before she moves out and never speak to you again.
It’s OK to go there, but just a little so you don’t risk starting any Macbethian chain of events. Here are some thoughts I’ve had, when I go there.
I will float out of my body and just hover above, like trauma victims do in the moment. When I come down I will feel like a failure but then I’ll remember what my brother said: no parent is good at this. I will feel a part of me died and then I’ll I remember what my father said: you may one day have to make peace that you tried your very best. I wont shield her from whatever visceral response that comes out me. I will always want her in my life but maybe not this year, and after years of white knuckle driving I’ll let go of the steering wheel for a while.
Mine is 19 now. I was terrified of 18, but I couldn’t stop time and so I just did my best, that’s all you can do (#serenityprayer): lean in with love, don’t make gender everything, respectfully disagree and move on, go visit extended family, nature, keep her mind occupied with other positive experiences, take care of your self, try to plan seeds of doubt, build other identities eg family history, sign her up for experiences that will build her confidence….
The marathon is not over but it’s better and yours is younger so I am so hopeful that despite the ups and down the overall trend will be up. Love her to death!
I hope there is time. I truly do. I think ‘unconditional love’ means exactly that but gently, quietly, lovingly asking the questions you need to may slowly make an impact. It’s such a delicate balance.
When my daughter was dating a woman who was using they / them and wanting to be male it was hard, really hard.
I held to my belief system that mutilating the body was wrong. Just because you should love yourself. Because you are lovable. And loved.
She chose to end the relationship for her own reasons. I respected that as I respected her. I had faith in the child I raised.
I’m sorry for your pain.
This is so poignant, and so familiar. While bracing is such a natural reaction, it is based on fear. When my teen (now desisted) still identified as trans, I made an effort not to succumb to bracing, but instead I imagined how I would react to a desistance announcement. I imagined, and tried to *feel* the happiness and relief. I embraced this feeling and tried to experience it in my body and in my soul. I practised daily. Part of me was worried that I was deluding myself. I wondered if bracing would have me better prepared for the worst case scenario. But imagining and feeling joy and relief gave me strength as well. It sustained me.
Yes, there is enough time. She is only 16. We all mature so drastically between 16 and 17, between 17 and 18. For us, adults, these two years a just a blink, but for them, at their age, 2 years is an eternity. During this eternity they have time to grow up.
Visualizing desistance is such an excellent advise! I love it! Not only does it help parents get through this awful time, I think it also helps the kids. Our children see us, they can feel our fear and our despair, but they also can feel and see our confidence if we can muster it. If they see us confident in the truth and in them, they may start doubting the vile ideology quicker and become confident in who they really are!
I refuse to think about it or consider the possibility that it could happen. Just out of self-preservation. There is no sense in borrowing trouble from the future. My daughter is now 19 and has not shown signs she is considering medicalizing. She still lives with us. Some days I think she is close to desisting, other days she seems as indoctrinated as ever. I have to believe that if she doesn’t medicalize, she will eventually come to her senses.
Stick to the truth, always. Be her rock. I'd pull her from public school if she's in it. Monitor her internet use and know her friends. Dive into family history and old photos/ videos. Find activities to do together- anything to get off the devices! Get outside together. Travel. Practice your faith and get her involved with it. Anything to distract from this nonsense death cult.
Because if she does go all in, you will cry, scream, wail, get angry, lose your mind and never sleep! I was actually suicidal for the first months. My husband also cried like I never knew a grown man could. It came up spontaneously and uncontrollably...sobbing. Devastated. Whatever you do, don't sit back and passively watch. Engage more with your daughter every moment that you can. You've been given the huge blessing of a warning. Many of us here, like myself, were completely blindsided once she was away at college. I am praying for your daughter to wake up and desist. This poisonous cult is extremely contagious and grows once it takes a stronghold in the mind. As parents, we have to be firm with this bullcrap and put an end to it. No, you would never abandon her, but she will abandon you if she sinks further. Just spent our 4th Christmas without our 21-year old daughter. It never gets easier.
I can relate to every sentence of this. My daughter is 16 and starting the desistance process and I expect some back and forth. When she was 15, she told me she would harm herself if she didnt get gender affirming care. The real changes started when I started working on myself (therapy, coaching). Hang in there, there is time, take it day by day and work on the relationship and build trust. Dont offer advice unless it is asked for. Come from a place of love and curiosity and ask lots of questions. Give her space to start to have her own doubts. You can get through this.
All I can do is to try to stay true to truth. That's all I can do
My sentiments exactly!
What I’m 100 percent sure of is that I will never abandon her, no matter what. I will still NOT affirm but she’ll need me more than ever IF, God forbid, she decides to resort to drugs and surgeries. I shall love and care for her until my last breath.
Thank you for sharing.
I asked myself a lot of those same questions when my daughter was 16. We were in a race against time, knowing that things might fall off a cliff when she turned 18. Keep on keeping on, every day is a new day for her to change her mind or wake up.
But I will say my daughter did not. She went to college, went all-in and is now 19 and on T for the last nine months. You can prepare for that moment for years (we all have) and it's still seismic when it happens. If I could give one piece of advice, don't spend too much time worrying about the what-ifs years from now, because it takes away from you being present for today. Focus on making the next right decision in the moment. Thinking of you and hoping so much that you get the outcome you're yearning for.
This is our family's situation, too. 19, with TID in college and on T since April. Home now for winter break, and I am working hard on keeping the attachment and love strong. The identity - or more accurately the T - is the elephant in the room. Keeping the present full of love is what I can do.
I emphasize the natural with my girls, healthy nutrition, natural beauty. Why would we want to be on drugs? And these hormones result in not only polluting our bodies but pollute the water supply? Look at the Hollywood crowd who have done body modifications for outward beauty who have harmed their good looks and health. Let’s be thankful and grateful that we are beautifully and wonderfully made!
I stayed. I stood by the name I gave her. I refused the honor of choosing her new middle name. I kept calling her love, baby, darling, sweets. I avoid pronouns and when I can't I use she and her. To her younger sister she is still sissy, despite the moustache and the deep voice. I asked her to not color the fuzz she calls a beard in my house. I stayed, because one day she might come around and she needs to know we loved her through everything, even when she hurt us, despised us, called us names. Love endures all. Stay.
Yes , there is time yes there is hope!!!! Try to imagine her fully restored , healed free from the insanity that grips her mind . Enjoy every moment with her celebrate her love, her fiercely no one knows what tomorrow brings . You have today to love.