Daily Existence for a Parent Who Has Lost a Child to Gender Ideology

For those people who have not lost a child to gender ideology and subsequent medicalization, I will attempt to explain how a parent who has lost a kid in this way navigates the world after this tragedy.

First, we have no closure or resolution to our grief. When a parent loses a child by death, there is likely to be a funeral or service. Parents who lose their children through gender ideological capture receive no goodbye ceremony and little community support. We grieve alone. As a result, we rarely receive condolences, hugs, or any other supportive gesture, and we sometimes receive callous or flippant remarks that provide no solace and can often worsen our heartache. To reduce insensitive comments, we avoid talking about our loss.

The moment we wake in the morning, the realization of the nightmare of our loss descends on our consciousness. We must navigate and survive another day, carrying our heavy heartbreak quietly as we do the things that other people do. We begin our days with our usual routines. We might sip our coffee and eat our breakfast. We may still enjoy their taste, the beauty of a sunrise, and the colors of the sky and clouds. We might update ourselves on the world’s happenings, but not much of it seems particularly significant, even if the rest of the world sees it that way. Even wars sometimes lose their impact on a numb parent who has had their family shattered by gender ideology.

Outsiders might think we are wallowing in grief and despair, but most of us are very busy with careers, raising other children, advocacy work, or other responsibilities and pursuits. I personally read and write prolifically, exercise every day, eat well, and take good care of myself. I am involved in organizations of many sorts and socialize with friends regularly. And all these activities I perform and do alongside my grief of losing a daughter.

Once a parent sees what we have seen, they cannot unsee it or unknow it. We realize that the majority of the population hasn’t come to understand what is happening with gender ideology and its companion, queer theory, so we cannot fault most of them. Still, it is hard when people look away, say they don’t want to know, or that they hope we feel better soon. And of course, they all want us to get “help.” It is not that they don’t care—most friends do—it is that they don’t “get” any of it. Most people are not inclined to dig much further into such a controversial topic, which has become a medical scandal, polarizing and contentious. They may also have been captured and indoctrinated that “trans is the new gay” and the latest social justice movement. They may even look at us suspiciously, wondering if we are a closet bigot.

Note: Many do not understand that “trans” has force teamed itself with LGB, and many in the LGB community are concerned about the medicalization of children and young adults. Furthermore, in many cases, “transing away the gay” of kids is occurring, which means that gay erasure is sometimes happening within the trans community. Forced teaming means that there is an implied connection between gay and trans, when there is little or no connection.

The hardest part of our days involves socializing. When moms go to a women’s gathering, they are surrounded by women who have not lost their children to “transition” or the estrangement that often accompanies an opposite-sex presentation. Those at the get-togethers update the group on the latest news about their kids. It might be a wedding, a birth, or showing pictures of their newest grandchild. We have perfected the appropriate smiles, nods, and words of congratulations and acknowledgment. But we keep silent about our kids. We prepare a diversion subject at the ready—a mention of our latest travels or a discussion of a good book, movie, TV show, or play. We ask other questions and keep the focus off us.

Within our closer friend group, changes occur that are also hard for us. Some friends ghost us and stop calling or reaching out. Reasons vary, but some are fully captured by gender ideology and now think we are sad, transphobic people with whom they no longer want to associate, or they may just be uncomfortable with our grief. If they give us enough time and space, they hope it will all get better once we get educated and learn to affirm and accept our transformed, medicalized kid and the new world of gender identities. Others fear us that, because it happened to us, it could happen to them. And some see our pain and how it has affected our lives, and they only want the old version of us that was joyful, optimistic, and fun to be around. Then there are the precious ones who are willing to check in regularly and stand with us through it all. They may not fully understand gender ideology and queer theory but are suspect of it. They can see that our disagreement with gender medicalization is from love, not hate, and that our deepest wish is to protect our kids from self-harm. They know us deeply, and they will be there with us. They see our love, our character, and our humanity and know we must care for one another through the hardest of times. God bless the ones who hold us through this dark time in our lives.

When parents move about the world and see a girl or boy about their daughter or son’s age with an unaltered, healthy body, they can feel both envy and gratitude that the other family did not get captured by an ideology that normalizes and even encourages the removal of healthy body parts and healthy reproductive organs. When we see a family enjoying time together, we often say that they have no idea how lucky they are. When we see a mom-daughter or parent-child pair, it almost physically hurts. We long for and hold a simple wish to spend time with our precious daughters and sons. Families that have not been dismantled by the cultural shift and campaign to blame and cut off parents bring us hope that not all is lost in the world. Yet, we understand how rampant parent-child estrangement is becoming in the US, and we worry about the future of other families and our society that has come to devalue parents in almost every sector.

Many parents want their friends to understand that we see gender ideology as destructive and are angry with those who practice and perpetuate it with drugs and surgeries, altering our children beyond recognition. It isn’t helpful to us to hear, “If it makes them happy, that is all that matters.” These outsiders haven’t experienced an ideology that encourages the kids to demonize and discard parents who do not agree with this drug and surgery route. Bystanders don’t know that transactivists removed the safeguards that had been in place, such as therapy and waiting periods, before drastic and irreversible medical interventions were performed. Parents feel misunderstood and robbed by it all. We had the goal of protecting our kids from self-harm and only wanted our children to grow up with intact and healthy bodies because we believe they were born right, not wrong. The sweeping statement by some, that we all just need to love everyone, does not acknowledge the reality of our daily lives, which encompass profound love and loss for our children.

Parents grieve beyond the loss of their own kids as well. Due to the individualist culture our society seems to be evolving into, parents have become disposable to the younger generation, which takes our grief to a deeper level. As kids who medicalize their bodies are celebrated, parents who want them to accept and honor the natural body are looked down upon. Chosen families, called glitter families, have replaced many of our biological families. Ties with ancestors and family traditions are often gone for the new generation of kids who believe queer theory and its advocation for the dismantling of the family unit. Many parents no longer feel the love that once was and just have memories and a few photos of life before everything changed. We mourn for ourselves but also for the life and times when elders and families were valued.

A parent’s average day is filled with routines, work, and responsibilities that help us get through the hours. But birthdays and holidays magnify our loss. We plan how to survive those days while others celebrate. Receiving Christmas cards with family pictures is hard, even if we used to love receiving them. We stopped sending them out ourselves. Social media pictures of a holiday, family vacation, or special event are also challenging to view, even though we can still be happy for other families. We often marvel at other families’ innocence and are glad they still have what was once so precious to us.

Parents who have lost their kids to gender ideology don’t want pity. We want it to stop. Children deserve to grow up without puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones, or gender-modifying surgeries that remove healthy breasts, genitals, and reproductive organs. How many kids must be hurt before safeguards are reinstated to protect vulnerable children and young adults? How many detransitioners and regretters must speak up before anyone listens? How many lawsuits must be filed against prescribing doctors, surgeons, and the facilities and clinics they work in before anyone takes notice? When will the media investigate it with respectful coverage and debate, uncovering political and ideological agendas masquerading as science that are profoundly affecting our youth and shattering families?

Parents are still living each day carrying all this heaviness alone. We can still be productive and energetic, enjoying elements of a day, but we rarely enjoy life in a world that has evolved to hurt our kids and families in the way gender ideology has. Our kids weren’t born wrong; they were just indoctrinated into the idea that every distress, discomfort, or confusion they experienced meant they were “trans.” Then they were funneled into gender clinic conveyor belts of medicalization. Kids rarely receive help in any sort of natural, non-invasive way because “affirmation only” is the only acceptable answer to a kid’s self-ID as “trans.” Kids know best and must lead in today’s world, including diagnosing themselves with no questions asked. Gone are the days of investigating the root cause of distress, exploring natural, non-invasive treatment options, and giving the child time to mature.

Parents carry on in a challenging daily existence. We know a few brave people are advocating for the cessation of transgender medicalization as the first and sometimes only line of treatment for distressed young people. We hope for a better future that stops pushing ideology and remembers the Hippocratic oath of “Do No Harm.”

If any of this bothers you as a reader, please stop calling parents transphobes if we don’t want our kids to have cross-sex hormones. Please stop emotionally blackmailing us with the threat that our children will kill themselves if they can’t have a mastectomy or have their genitals removed. It shows just how much you do not understand our love and care for our children’s well-being.

Hold space and care for parents who are grieving and heartbroken. Please don’t turn away, minimize us, or call us names. Each day is hard for us to get through. Even though you may not understand us (and we are glad you don’t because that means you have not lost a child), stand with us to protect children and vulnerable young adults. We need others to join us, from all political parties, in concern and outrage at the current medical model that perpetuates this tragedy. We need more people to question all the supporting entities that let this harm go on. The time is now to stand up and speak up on behalf of children, vulnerable young adults, and parents/families. We need to unite and work together. Our society’s future depends on it.

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