When you say deadname Hate is the claim For part of you, you wish dead And everything you wish to shed You don’t understand I cannot hate you on command When you say deadname, you see gender This is something I cannot render When you say deadname, I see you An infant swaddled and feelings I never knew I see your handwriting And thoughts you were citing I see your stocking hung by the tree Your eyes with wonder, bright as can be I see your tears in a project, proudly on display Among many lined up in the hallway I see you in bed, cozy and warm, hair a mess And your mind at rest So you see, this is what I see Please don’t hate me I see your friend standing at the door Asking for you to go and explore I see your bravery, growth and strength Standing on the risers though your voice may shake I see a reel of your birthday cakes And my heart aches I see your struggles, joy and pain on stage As a gaze upon the graduation page So you see, this is what I see Please don’t hate me Others say I am mean How can that be? They can’t see you The way that I do From the moment I knew of you, till beyond time I love all of you, how is that a crime? I don’t blame you for their lie They told you, change your name or die So you see, this is what I see Please don’t hate me Then, now, and forever My love will not end, not ever Love, Mom
lovely, I have never thought about this way. I was so crazy that 3 of my kids did not have a bona fide name for 5 months. The doctors harassed me, because they needed to send in paperwork. My 4th childs name was baby girl on her birth certificate. After all the time lovingly spent on choosing "the name" that a child should wear for the rest of their life, it gets tossed in the trash, never to be spoken again. But it will always live on in your mind and in your memories...
That's my beef with the whole, "would you rather have a trans child or a dead one?" Well basically this new persona has "Killed" my child as he supposedly no longer exists. Hearing the phrase deadname for the first time was absolutely a stab in the heart.
After years in this madness I don’t usually cry at the essays anymore but this one really hit me. The new name isn’t just a name change. Its hurtful. It’s an attempt to over-write the entire childhood that only the parents fully and truly remember and treasure and replace it with a falsehood.
You have nailed the feelings that we parents are feeling! I will definitely send this to my son who thinks he's a female. He has changed his name, birth certificate, passport and drivers license. He and his circle cannot understand why I can't use his new name. They blame me for using his "deadname." They cannot understand!
I continue to use my child's birthname and have told him I will not use his new name. I guess that means I'm a bad parent. But the name I picked specifically for my son has meaning. My son and his partner will not even look at baby pictures of that little boy. They completely dismiss him like he never existed.
Just beautiful and so truthful. I wish I could just share this with my daughter to help her understand …not just me, but all moms out there, who couldn’t quite jump on board the dark journey with them….those moms who stood on the platform, some even begging them not to get on that fucking train.
Can’t quite jump on board and “kill” my child. Can’t lie, can’t tell them they were born wrong, can’t tell them they are a different sex, can’t tell them everything they are is wrong, and that this will fix your problems.
My kids therapist said she didn’t like it when people called her son the shortened version of his name whenever I brought up my kids new name which she used.
Oh bawling before work. This gender conundrum is difficult to navigate. I miss my baby girl Sophia but I feel as if I’ve done the best I could in uncharted territory. I avoid saying Dakota as much as possible but much of the gender struggles have lessened . Loosing our grip when it feels counterproductive is so challenging. The less I denied that Dakota existed the harder it became to see my Sophia 💔
💔
lovely, I have never thought about this way. I was so crazy that 3 of my kids did not have a bona fide name for 5 months. The doctors harassed me, because they needed to send in paperwork. My 4th childs name was baby girl on her birth certificate. After all the time lovingly spent on choosing "the name" that a child should wear for the rest of their life, it gets tossed in the trash, never to be spoken again. But it will always live on in your mind and in your memories...
This is so well written. Thank you!
The lie, change your name or die.
The lie has been exposed, the suicide myth, the lie that “gender affirming care” works and it is beneficial.
This is the line that most resonated with me:
They can’t see you
The way that I do
Or to be even more succinct, "They can’t see you". At all. Anymore. But I do.
by trans logic. if it is deadname, then police need to be involved to investigate the person who killed and replaced....
can there be a word more a stab to parents? i do not think so
That's my beef with the whole, "would you rather have a trans child or a dead one?" Well basically this new persona has "Killed" my child as he supposedly no longer exists. Hearing the phrase deadname for the first time was absolutely a stab in the heart.
the constant suicide threats just demonstrate the abusiveness of the relationship trans offer, eh
yeah and they are ripping off the dead kid or a kid with sex knowledge/safe sex devices from the early aids decades
You have beautifully expressed the fight. It is not David versus Goliath. It is:
Mom versus Deadname.
Behind "deadname" is not anyone's child. With that one word, the child is now belongs to THEM.
After years in this madness I don’t usually cry at the essays anymore but this one really hit me. The new name isn’t just a name change. Its hurtful. It’s an attempt to over-write the entire childhood that only the parents fully and truly remember and treasure and replace it with a falsehood.
me too
You have nailed the feelings that we parents are feeling! I will definitely send this to my son who thinks he's a female. He has changed his name, birth certificate, passport and drivers license. He and his circle cannot understand why I can't use his new name. They blame me for using his "deadname." They cannot understand!
Thank you for this poetic piece.
I continue to use my child's birthname and have told him I will not use his new name. I guess that means I'm a bad parent. But the name I picked specifically for my son has meaning. My son and his partner will not even look at baby pictures of that little boy. They completely dismiss him like he never existed.
Just beautiful and so truthful. I wish I could just share this with my daughter to help her understand …not just me, but all moms out there, who couldn’t quite jump on board the dark journey with them….those moms who stood on the platform, some even begging them not to get on that fucking train.
Can’t quite jump on board and “kill” my child. Can’t lie, can’t tell them they were born wrong, can’t tell them they are a different sex, can’t tell them everything they are is wrong, and that this will fix your problems.
I wish the therapist and all those that affirm could feel our pain, could understand. Parents are not considered at all.
My kids therapist said she didn’t like it when people called her son the shortened version of his name whenever I brought up my kids new name which she used.
It’s NOT the same. 😡😭
I begged.
Thanks for this. It hits hard and is so truthful!❤️
(Dad of 28 year old M to F ...)
💔 I fantasise about being able to use the name I gave my daughter. But thats all it is, a fantasy 😢
Oh bawling before work. This gender conundrum is difficult to navigate. I miss my baby girl Sophia but I feel as if I’ve done the best I could in uncharted territory. I avoid saying Dakota as much as possible but much of the gender struggles have lessened . Loosing our grip when it feels counterproductive is so challenging. The less I denied that Dakota existed the harder it became to see my Sophia 💔
I don't use the new name. i use a series of nicknames.
💔🙏
This made me cry. I miss my daughter so much! 🥲