Reposted, with permission from the author. Early text exchange with a recent client referral: “While I can’t deny her feelings, I’m not 100% sure on it.” “100% sure on what?” “That she is trans.” “What does that mean?” “I guess I don’t know.” “I don’t think anyone does.”
I don’t know who wrote this but it is absolutely brilliant because not mattered what I think or feel, what my daughter thought/feel is a reality and the thing that I could do right now is just love her and be there ( even when I specifically told her that I know for sure ( I am a biologist) that is not a trans a real thing, you love you or you don’t)
This is experience with our kids is teaching us how to be better communicators. ;) Maybe they're preparing us for more difficult conversations to come as the resistance grows and we need to help others understand what's at stake here.
one of the best perspectives that I have read. It seems like such common sense for anyone that knows child/adolescent development. I don't understand how psychologists aren't all over this.
Yes, the conclusion I've come to is those who have checked their common sense at the door are converts/true believers. They just didn't realize they were adopting a new religion. If they've championed the cause before really thinking it through, they're now in the tough position of recognizing they've participated in harm. This is difficult on the psyche and instead of dealing with that pain, most will double-down to maintain cognitive dissonance. I have seen seen some shifting though. The resistance is getting bolder as our numbers grow and many are waking up to how manipulative the whole movement is.
Many psychologists are all over this, just as they were all over the Satanic Panic and multiple personalities and repressed memories. Or they won't touch it because they do see the harm; unless they're passionate enough to take on the cause, it's not worth it--their license is on the line in many states. It really drives home what an imprecise "science" psychology is and how human we all are.
“those of us who are driven to authenticity want to be seen for how we see ourselves”; “she wants to be seen as a boy”; “a new religion that offers a rebirth experience”; “another sacrifice to the New Gods of Gender and Capitalism”
Some very good points there – among many others. Although, somewhat in passing, I’m curious about the “wants to be seen as a boy”. Never having had kids myself I don’t have much of a clue about handling the thornier aspects of raising kids – and transgenderism has to be one of the biggest “thorns” going – but I wonder why you, or any parent in that same situation, wouldn’t just point out the biological impossibility of changing sex. While there may be some justification for a girl wanting to “look” like a boy – or, in general, any person like a typical member of the opposite sex – it seems important or useful to emphasize that they wouldn’t ever qualify as one of those.
In any case, quite agree with you on “a new religion”, and on “another sacrifice to the New Gods of Gender”. Along that line, as I’ve just mentioned in another comment, you might be interested in an essay at the Journal of Cultural Anthropology by Sahar Sadjadi titled "Deep in the Brain: Identity and Authenticity in Pediatric Gender Transition", this passage in particular:
"Moreover, the magico-spiritual undertone of the conversations I witnessed was striking .... As a physician and anthropologist of medicine, I had begun this project as a critical study of a cutting-edge clinical field; I was perplexed by this merging of science, magic, and religion in explaining children’s gender transition."
However, I think your “want to be seen for how we see ourselves” is somewhat “problematic” at best, and for many reasons. Seems to be more important to see how others see us – even if we don’t necessarily agree with their perceptions. And/or to see ourselves as we “really are”, although that can be rather difficult at best, particularly given our tendency to “fool ourselves” one way or another. As Robert Burns put it:
But I think that the whole transgender phenomenon provides us all with something of an avenue into understanding how we all develop our senses of self, and some of the more pathological manifestations of that process. Even if that knowledge is often somewhat less than “academic” for some than others.
In any case, for elaborations on that theme, you might be interested in some articles on “imprinting”, Woody Allen’s “mockumentary” Zelig about “The Chameleon Man”, and Nabokov’s novella “The Eye”:
“The novel deals largely with indeterminate locus of identity and the social construction of identity in the reactions and opinions of others. Smurov exists as a fraud, nobleman, scoundrel, ‘sexual adventurer’, thief, and spy in the eyes of the various characters. ... As the protagonist carefully collects these observations, he attempts to build a stable perspective on Smurov — whom we only belatedly discover is the narrator himself. The result is a meditation on the relationship between subjectivity and objectivity.”
Hi Steersman, StoicMom has already responded to your good post better than I can but I have to comment regarding "but I wonder why you, or any parent in that same situation, wouldn’t just point out the biological impossibility of changing sex." As a mom it made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. These girls and young women don't see it as "changing sex" so much as that they believe they really are this sort of special being on the inside.
We certainly tried reason and logic but it does no good. Our daughter was bathing in the ideology and the peer group for maybe two or three years before she had any conviction and before we knew to have a concern. I think we might have headed it off had we known. But it all does sound so ridiculous, doesn't it? Who would expect this? The kids go back over their pasts and have a narrative that doesn't match anything that really happened in their childhoods, too. They want to be "seen" a certain way, mostly not as young women. I think the part about maybe doing something medical is getting pushed on them from the outside.
The Department of Health and Human Services has just announced new guidelines about affirming the "reality" and getting kids "Gender Affirming Care". So, it is even coming from the White House! I believe the "push" comes from the adult male AGPs like James/Jennifer Pritzer and that the kids and teens are collateral damage. I am pretty sure that the teenage girls have not been successfully lobbying the White House or using their allowances to fund lobbies or get medical associations to change their stances.
Once someone is fully involved in a religion, complete with "us" and "non-believer" thinking - have you ever tried to talk that person out of his or her religion? Imagine doing this when all the institutions around you are part of the religion. Doctors are on board. Teachers certainly are on board and busy "affirming"/gas-lighting. And, it's a teen. As a parent you find yourself with this double whammy of shock that people have been calling your girl a boy name and "he" while at the same time you are treated like a horrible bigot by the parents of "friends" and by teachers for not jumping up and down in celebration regarding this thing from absolute left field. Of course, they've been having secret talks with your kid for a long time and are morally superior about that. Plus, the cult does seem to serve a need these girls and young women have.
The best thing is to maintain connection to your child and get them busy actually doing things in the world instead of dwelling on Identity.
Thanks. 🙂 And thanks for the elaboration on your own experiences.
"... they believe they really are this sort of special being on the inside ...."
We're all "special", certainly unique, even if with a great many commonalities. But seems to me that the problem is when various "transkids" [😉] try to put a generic name – "male", "female" – to that "special being" that conflicts with common use. Sort of like using "gender" to refer to reproductive abilities when most [sensible] people use it to refer to a range of psychological traits ... 😉
But generally there are objective correlates and criteria to qualify as members of particular categories. A person of 50 calling their "special being" a "teenager" when they clearly don't meet the criteria to qualify as one – being 13 to 19 – might reasonably expect to get some push-back. Particularly if there are some rights and benefits attached to one state that aren't attached to the other.
"... doing something medical is getting pushed on them from the outside ..."
Agreed. Think StoicMom used "iatrogenic" in one of her posts to describe that, though it probably boils down to pretty much the same thing.
"The Department of Health and Human Services has just announced new guidelines ..."
There is going to be, should be hell to pay for that. A medical scandal that is little short of the Tuskegee Syphilis Study.
"have you ever tried to talk that person out of his or her religion?"
Good point; don't think I'd ever thought of it quite that way. Even though that Cultural Anthropology article talked about "magico-spiritual undertone", and "the merging of science, magic, and religion", it didn't give quite the same flavour or sense.
And your reference to "cults" reminded me of "deprogramming", though don't see any evidence of it being used in the case of "gender ideology":
Sounds like a good policy. I've periodically thought or argued that the phenomenon of "identity" in transgenderism is part and parcel of "identity politics". Haven't read much of this article – "Must Identity Movements Self-Destruct?" – myself but it seems to offer some insights into that:
I think "trans identified" works better than "transkids" on so many levels. The biggest one being that it denotes a transitory state. "Transkids" sounds like they are not going to forget all about how they ever went through this when they are 30 if they do not fall into the hands of hormone and surgery profiteers. Many of them who have not gone medical will say "mom I was a teenager" even as their mothers are still in recovery.
We mothers understand this to be like talking someone out of a religion which it pretty much is for these girls. I am really going to disagree with you about gender. Mr. Rogers had the gender/sex = male even though he was a nurturing person. There are certainly rights/benefits/different treatment attached to being of the male or female sex. Men are not pregnant for 9 months, losing use of stomach muscles, etc. Title 9 was invented for girls in sports. Men should not be in prison with women... "Deprogramming" is not used for "ROGD" girls because anything other than wild eyed "affirmation" (gas-lighting) of ROGD girls is "conversion therapy" by law.
But don't think you can reasonably make up your own definitions. "trans" as in transgender typically means "the other side" [of typical, "cis" gender]:
I have no wish to make up my own definitions. "Cis" is made up and I reject it.
"Trans" as in "Transgender" is a recent fiction when the movement wanted to remove the word "sex" from "transexual". Dr. Soh does a pretty good job explaining the sexual nature of the matter among adults. On PITT and elsewhere we commonly refer to "transing" children which seems to have popped up to refer to what our society is doing to so many kids and teens.
"Our daughter was bathing in the ideology and the peer group for maybe two or three years before she had any conviction and before we knew to have a concern. I think we might have headed it off had we known. But it all does sound so ridiculous, doesn't it?"
Yeah, I think "Rapid Onset" is a little off in that so many had probably spent years being groomed and indoctrinated before revealing these identities to their families. Mine certainly did. Sadly, she insists she was the first in her peer group to "come out." One member of this group is on puberty blockers and another has been on testosterone for several years and had her healthy breasts removed. We moved away, but she keeps in touch.
So sorry. Mine thought she was pretty unique but then we talked about everyone she knew...so heartbreaking.
I agree. In coining "Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria" Lisa Littman was trying to differentiate from the previously known cohort - boyhood presenting extremely feminine homosexual male people with a body disphoria disorder (of the mind) - a group documented for quite some time that was always infinitesimal. As we learn more about this new large puberty presenting female group we know that they've been immersed in an ideology for sometime before becoming true believers and saying all the things they say which conflict with what was observed in childhood. Their distress is real but nothing else including "I have dysphoria" is. The problem is really made worse when teachers & everyone affirm/gaslight which is what the White House is pushing now. It could have been something that never left the friend group. It sounds like something similar is happening with teen boys.
Yes, I so appreciate Littman's work. If we could just be real about the different types of dysphoria, we could actually differentiate treatment appropriately. Unfortunately, this would shatter the delusion of "true trans" and demolish the practices of so many medical practitioners and their clinics. The economic sector that's arisen around this lie is not going to go quietly.
The state of things is quite discouraging but I hold out hope that this can't last much longer.
Some of the types of "dysphoria" are not even dysphoria, IMO.
Agreed that the economic sector that's arisen around this lie is not going to go quietly. I also hope that this can't last much longer. We cannot be passive but must help see it out the door.
Dysphoria is also a pretty nebulous word. Right now it is used to describe the "current symptom cluster." I would much rather my daughter believe she has gender dysphoria than that she was somehow born in the wrong body. I guess what I'm saying is just as I don't believe in "true trans", I'm skeptical of lots of disorders we've named in the DSM. I think people are in psychic pain and seeking answers. Even those HSTS boys are likely just homosexual but growing up in a culture where feminine, same-sex attracted boys are unacceptable. Unacceptable = psychic pain. Crazy Like Us is a good read. And Anatomy of an Epidemic. I came into this already skeptical of our profit-driven sick care system. It's why my girl knew I'd never get on board with this.
Wow, what a lengthy and well cited response! I'm certainly curious about many of these links and will hopefully find time to explore. Honestly, I think some of these teens that are determined to have others see them as something they're not will be the same adults driven to true authenticity and to a deeper understanding of humans and selves and identities once they tire of the cognitive dissonance or mature out of the needs currently being filled by the cult.
I'm wondering if you've ever communicated with someone who has a faith-based belief system? I'm certain most the parents here will confirm what I've discovered: logic doesn't work. To find a way to "see" my daughter in at least some of the ways she sees herself opens the door for productive communication. This is a precarious situation we find ourselves in and we have to be careful to not position ourselves as the enemy. You know how teens are. Ours have surgeons and glitter families waiting with open arms if we don't navigate this with extreme care. They actually have the medical profession backing their unfalsifiable claims so trying to argue "the science" is pointless; we need to be able to influence them with relationship so maintaining connection becomes the primary m.o. for most of us.
So true - it’s living in the twilight zone- walking on a tight rope balancing your love with fear. Staying connected is the ultimate goal. Because to maintain trust in us- the only people who are actually responsible for their well-being - their parents - is all we have.
I've certainly seen some encouraging stories of various "detransitioners" though, sadly, that's too often after "irreversible damage" - as Abigail Shrier put it. But, as you suggest, that detransitioning is often after the "cognitive dissonance" becomes unsupportable, though hopefully before that damage is done. To load you up with another link or two 🙂, you might like an oldish article from 2015 by Michele Goldberg who said:
"Though 'trans women are women' has become a trans rights rallying cry, [transwoman] Highwater writes, it primes trans women for failure, disappointment, and cognitive dissonance. She calls it a 'vicious lie.' ..."
But I can well sympathize with parents of transgender kids - clearly a tough row to hoe. Reminds me of, apparently, a father of one who was rather decidedly "peeved', with good reason, at how the medical establishment has contributed to that sad state of affairs:
"Someday, I hope to sit in court and listen as my kid’s affirmation therapist and physician explain under oath what their motivations were in regards to my child’s treatment. My personal impulse would be to do that interrogation myself, with the assistance of a hammer, and possibly a blow torch. But that would be uncivilized."
But thanks for the elaboration on "faith-based belief system" and "logic doesn't work". Pretty difficult to have much of a conversation when people simply don't want to hear anything that might disabuse them of their illusions or dogma - of one sort or another. I'm sure it's a "challenge" to find common definitions, points of reference, and terminology without which communication is simply impossible.
In any case, I wish you and other parents in the same boat the best of luck; not much more than a bromide but I've periodically found it helps to remember that "tough times don't last, tough people do". 🙂
Regarding "parents of transgender kids'. I think we must all stop using the language of the activists/cult. There are "trans identified" or "trans identifying" kids but there are no "transgender kids" born in the "wrong body".
Thanks for your earlier clarification which I'll try to respond to shortly.
But quite agree with you about "born in the wrong body". Though I periodically wonder whether a large part of the problem isn't a hormone imbalance of one sort or another. One fairly articulate transwoman - Zinnia Jones - argued that estrogen helped to settle "her" mind; reminds me of Kay Redfield Jamison's "An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir in Moods and Madness":
It may well be that "cross-sex hormones" do help to attentuate the worst aspects of dysphoria even if there are some quite serious side effects. Clearly, the drug companies need to be looking into "accentuating the positive and eliminating the negative".
But while I might quibble somewhat over "transgender kids" - they certainly seem to exhibit a gender [i.e., personality types; masculine, feminine] other than one typical of their sex, I'd generally agree about "using the language of the activists/cult".
Bit of serious problem that ostensibly more or less credible newsmagazines are doing the same thing; somewhat apropos of which, my recent comment over at GC News (worth a follow, free to do so 🙂):
Humm... I've come across Z. Jones before and I couldn't comment on his situation - I wish him well - but I think it's unrelated to the PITT population...
Regarding "they certainly seem to exhibit a gender [i.e., personality types; masculine, feminine] other than one typical of their sex". I really disagree. My girl has always been very feminine, gentle, nurturing and bright with interests all over the field. - That is until she was in deep with Gender Ideology and became an unpleasant person to know for awhile. Girls & young women of all stripes are in this gender hell with their families - feminine, not feminine, straight, gay, "typical", "atyplical". "Gender" has an answer for all that ails! This "atypical of their sex" meme may be coming from adult males.
And, I think it is vital to take back reality based language. I've been saying that for a little while - but here is an article that just came out about it and I think it really is for anyone, conservative or liberal who is pro-reality and wants to push back against ideology:
I wish ZJ well too, but I only brought him up to suggest that transgenderism may have some biological and hormonal roots. Did you even look at that "Unquiet Mind"? Lots of psychological problems seem to have a chemical basis - and fix.
But I don't quite understand your objection to the use of "feminine" and "masculine" as "personality types" since you used the former to describe your daughter. Though in passing I'm sorry to hear the grief that you, and many other parents, have had, but I'm happy to hear your daughter is apparently on the mend.
But I'm curious, if you don't mind, about what symptoms she actually exhibited. That she had a feminine personality does not seem to preclude "identifying as a male" - if that's what she did. Same sort of thing as an actual male exhibiting a feminine personality, or a female exhibiting a masculine personality, even if they don't "identify-as" members of the opposite sex. But there are lots of combinations and variations, particularly if you look at personalities as a spectrum.
But kind of get the impression that you have some difficulty with the idea that a person can, for example, have a male sex but a feminine personality. That they would therefore have a feminine gender. Likewise with some difficulty in accepting the idea, the "theory" that sex and gender are - ideally at least - quite different categories, that they encompass quite different sets of traits. Rejecting that framework, that perspective, seems to make it more difficult to resolve that type of problem.
I'll cheerfully and readily concede that there's probably a great deal of rot - if not psychosis - in "gender identity" - as we've discussed about that Cultural Anthropology article. But "gender identity" is not all of what is encompassed by the concept of gender; some parts are more credible than other parts.
Think you have to try separating wheat and chaff, accentuating the positive and eliminating the negative. Try reading with something of an open mind Wikipedia's article on Gender, although I will emphasize that I think they're heavily biased themselves, that far too much of the article is little more than gushing over Judith Butler, and incoherent twaddle if not outright insanity:
But thanks for the PM article, though, in passing, they have to be one of the worst magazines going for the number of their ads. Makes the whole thing almost unreadable - too bad in a way as they often have good articles with credible viewpoints - as with the one you linked.
However, I wonder whether you even looked at my GC News comment as I said pretty much the same thing they did, that nobody transitions to the opposite sex, that "transgender women" should be called "male transvestities" or "sexless eunuchs", that the Daily Mail and The Times were either "sloppy, clueless, or ... swallowing – hook, line, and sinker – the transactivist party line."
Yes, I would agree about the vicious lie that is not only a disservice to those experiencing the delusion but to those whose experience they are appropriating and whose rights conflict with the demands of the deluded. A reckoning is coming--not in time for the families currently caught up in this. We're kind of on our own, but we're learning from each other and supporting each other. We're recognizing what we're made of and the importance of modeling resilience, tuning into our inner wisdom, and that "happiness" is not a reasonable goal but a temporary state. Life is rich with joy and suffering, and the sooner we understand what we have control over and focus our efforts there, the more impact we can have. As you said, "tough times don't last, tough people do." Fragile ideas don't last either.
Amen to that, on both accounts. "2+2=5" and all that.
Reminds me of the American moralist, journalist, and author Philip Wylie who, in his Generation of Vipers, argued that man “would learn that when he kids himself, or believes a lie, or deceives another man, he commits a crime as real and as destructive as the crime of deliberately running down a person with an automobile.”
"A reckoning is coming"
Amen to that too – and it's not even Sunday 😉.
Assuming that you're in the US, you may not have run across Kellie-Jay Keen – AKA Posie Parker ("nosy parker"), YouTuber, "anti-gender activist", and general all-around "trouble-maker" – who several years ago emblazoned the standard definition for "woman" – "adult human female" – on billboards and building walls all across the UK in letters 10 feet high. Which was deemed part of a "transphobic campaign". 🙄
For which I've periodically argued she deserves Time's Person of the Year award as that has to qualify as the modern-day equivalent of "mene, mene, tekel, upharsin", the writing on the wall in more ways and venues than just one. We simply have to start calling a spade an effen shovel, have to start drawing some lines in the sand. And defining our terms and categories on the basis of objective, as opposed to entirely subjective, criteria has to be seen as a crucially important way of doing so.
"what we have control over and focus our efforts there ..."
A more or less complete synopsis of stoicism ... 😉
"Fragile ideas don't last either."
Indeed. Though many of them wind up with more currency and a longer run on the world's stage than they really deserve. With a teenage daughter you're probably too young to have had any direct exposure to the "satanic panic" of the 1980s, but it is part and parcel of a more ubiquitous phenomenon that speaks to the nature of the beast. A beast, whose hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem waiting to be born ... to coin a phrase.
But – on the basis that forewarned is forearmed – you might be interested in several overviews – one from 1841, and a more recent one from 2019 – of that phenomenon that speak rather eloquently, if not damningly, to the pervasive and often pernicious "Popular Delusions and Madness of Crowds":
Thank you. Maybe one day we can get away from labels. You said trans means being a character, an avatar and described it in terms of being in the digital age. It is about much more than that. "Avatar (Sanskrit: अवतार, avatāra; pronounced [ɐʋɐtaːrɐ]), is a concept within Hinduism that in Sanskrit literally means "descent". It signifies the material appearance or incarnation of a deity on Earth.” They are being taught they are gods. The Oneness of paganism. It's not limited to trans kids either. Advocates for Youth is Planned Parenthood's youth arm that produces, promotes, and profits from explicit, inclusive sex ed. Their training program gives teachers the opportunities to "practice teaching student avatars." I know it sounds crazy, but most things do these days.
But if we've fooled ourselves right out of the chute, if we have no intellectual, moral, or psychological integrity ourselves, then how can we possibly withstand "the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune"? To coin a phrase ...
Trans is control: Declaring one's status as Trans grants kids the opportunity to make demands on those who hold power over them, namely, school officials, teachers and parents. Forcing people to pretend to see you as you see yourself must be a powerful tonic indeed for a powerless kid.
Which is why, I would argue, that the manipulative tactic of using suicide as a threat to force affirmation of one’s identity is total BS- if you take your life, then you don’t get to remain in control of how other’s see you. You would lose your power.
Thank you again, for this brilliant piece. I am 100% with you on this perspective. I can see my kid as Trans when I see it this way. You've broken it down perfectly.
You hit the nail on the head with the notion that wanting to be a boy is not the problem; it's society's response that is the problem. Fantasies are a normal part of growing up. The problem is: (1) adults take those fantasies and concretize them by mutilating young people's bodies; and (2) society gags anyone who would object, or try and interject a small bit of reality rather than nodding along with the fantasy. As far as I know, there has never been a trend like this before.
Indeed. But as a "professional therapist" yourself, both you and StoicMom might be interested in an essay at the Journal of Cultural Anthropology by Sahar Sadjadi titled "Deep in the Brain: Identity and Authenticity in Pediatric Gender Transition", this passage in particular:
"Moreover, the magico-spiritual undertone of the conversations I witnessed was striking .... As a physician and anthropologist of medicine, I had begun this project as a critical study of a cutting-edge clinical field; I was perplexed by this merging of science, magic, and religion in explaining children’s gender transition."
Some reason to argue that there's some merit to the concept of gender - at least as "the range of [objectively quantifiable] characteristics pertaining to femininity and masculinity and differentiating between them" as Wikipedia puts it:
However, "gender identity" - as a set of entirely subjective perceptions, as a "magico-spiritual" transmogrification of "science, magic, and religion" - has to be seen as something of a Frankensteinian monster.
Rather important that we be able to separate wheat and chaff, particularly when so much of the latter is rather "poisonous" indeed.
This is a great article, thank you for introducing us to this substack. It articulates well many thoughts I have had about the kind of kid who would be vulnerable to trans ideology. 40 years ago, I was one of those kids. Like Helena, I know I would have been sucked in. To you parents who are struggling with how to navigate this painful lose-lose landscape, here is a tiny story that I hope is inspiring.
I moved to Olympia, WA with my family when I was 12. It was a terrible time for a kid to move and I had a very difficult adolescence. Olympia was (still is) home to the infamous Evergreen State College, an experimental college which over the decades has birthed many a queer theorist and social justice warrior. Of course, counter-culture (hippie-punk) Elizabeth wanted to go to Evergreen. My mother refused. I was so angry! I cried and screamed and stomped. It was where I felt I belonged. I KNEW I belonged there! But I got over it and pretty much forgot about it. Yesterday I was visiting with my mother, who is now 93. After what I have learned about the dangers playing out from post-modern theories so incubated at Evergreen, I casually said to Mom: "Mom, thank you for not letting me to go Evergreen!" Mom got tears in her beautiful blue eyes. She told me how much she agonized over that refusal, how worried she was I would disengage from her since I was over 18. I threatened to do so, and considered it, but realized I needed their financial support to go to college. Of course, Mom knew nothing about queer theory which had yet to take over academia, but she had a mother's instinct that this subculture would not be the best for her impressionable, highly sensitive and awkward daughter. And she was right. I had no idea of how much she agonized about that until yesterday. It meant the world to her to hear me say that, to help her heal the pain she felt about it too. Hold that faith in your heart: some day, maybe when they are senior citizens themselves (!) your children may thank you for doing your best to protect them.
Thank you. This possibility is what keeps me going. Perhaps my family members who chastise and shame me for not affirming my child’s identity will one day do the same…
Many parents are unsung heroes and heroines in the trenches on the front lines of many battles - wish I'd had a greater appreciation of that when I was younger, in their "The Living Years" 🙂:
Thanks for reminding me of that song. I know I am so very lucky that I still have my mama with me and have the chance to tell her how grateful I am for her love and protection, and to care for her now in return. With age comes perspective, but that often takes a very long time to break through the generational barriers of language and culture and apparent value differences. Dissecting gender ideology has made me realize ways that my boomer generation really messed things up in some ways and was also harmful to me and my friends. As happens with every generation of human beings. I do think even when we have missed that chance to communicate in the living years, we can still heal these wounds by expressing our gratitude for our parents, as he does in this song. Maybe it is part of the cycle of healing, generation after generation.
De nada; share the wealth, praise the lord and pass the ammunition 🙂
But quite agree with "long time", "generational barriers", "expressing our gratitude", and "generation after generation".
Reminds me of a quip by Mark Twain that I had occasion to quote at the "celebration of life" for my father - gawd rest his soul - as something of a needle directed at my own siblings who were somewhat late to appreciate the wisdom of it:
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
Ever thus, although for some it seems to take more than seven years ... 🙂. As my own father used to say, "too soon old, and too late smart"; part and parcel of the tragedy of life.
Aaaahh. I love this so much. I refer to my mother often in my Substack. So grateful for her fortitude--I didn't fully appreciate it until entering this phase with my own adolescent.
We can use this experience to heal ourselves and emerge stronger, wiser, more whole. And more connected to our intuition like your mother was. Parenting offers us the ultimate experience in personal growth, if we choose to see it that way.
I completely agree with everything here, but this really stands out:
"This teen predictably adopts whatever was offered to them as the current acceptable counterculture: punk, goth, emo, Trans. Markets were created in all these instances, but the Trans counterculture is the first to concretize a temporary and trendy identity with extreme and irreversible body modifications. "
This is what makes "Trans" so scary. It could have been harmless adolescent experimentation - children trying out different masks, as you say. This sort of "kid stuff" stayed amongst the kids, and never extended to the adults in the room. But now, the adults are using it to virtue signal and further their own agendas and (of course) make billions of dollars. THIS is what harms young people.
A 13 year old girl saying she wants to (look/act like/be seen as) a boy isn't a problem.
An adult taking that girl, blocking her puberty, putting her on hormone injections, and removing her breasts in some impossible attempt to actually turn her into a boy? THAT IS A PROBLEM.
Thank you. We are so torn with our 12 yr old. She can't speak about it to us (anything close and she literally hides under the covers). We found out by fluke as her oh so wise teachers were secretly affirming this new gender identity. We too are riding out this storm.
Most insightful perspective yet from a parent/professional on the transgender indoctrination madness. Best of luck with your daughter.
I don’t know who wrote this but it is absolutely brilliant because not mattered what I think or feel, what my daughter thought/feel is a reality and the thing that I could do right now is just love her and be there ( even when I specifically told her that I know for sure ( I am a biologist) that is not a trans a real thing, you love you or you don’t)
This is experience with our kids is teaching us how to be better communicators. ;) Maybe they're preparing us for more difficult conversations to come as the resistance grows and we need to help others understand what's at stake here.
"Absolutely brilliant", indeed. 🙂
But actually it was written by "StoicMom" who has her own Substack where it was first posted:
https://stoicmom.substack.com/p/defining-trans?s=r
Worth a follow - many other equally good articles there.
But the link is also in the phrase "Reposted, with permission from the author" in the PITT header section of the article.
great piece!
one of the best perspectives that I have read. It seems like such common sense for anyone that knows child/adolescent development. I don't understand how psychologists aren't all over this.
Yes, the conclusion I've come to is those who have checked their common sense at the door are converts/true believers. They just didn't realize they were adopting a new religion. If they've championed the cause before really thinking it through, they're now in the tough position of recognizing they've participated in harm. This is difficult on the psyche and instead of dealing with that pain, most will double-down to maintain cognitive dissonance. I have seen seen some shifting though. The resistance is getting bolder as our numbers grow and many are waking up to how manipulative the whole movement is.
Many psychologists are all over this, just as they were all over the Satanic Panic and multiple personalities and repressed memories. Or they won't touch it because they do see the harm; unless they're passionate enough to take on the cause, it's not worth it--their license is on the line in many states. It really drives home what an imprecise "science" psychology is and how human we all are.
StoicMom,
“those of us who are driven to authenticity want to be seen for how we see ourselves”; “she wants to be seen as a boy”; “a new religion that offers a rebirth experience”; “another sacrifice to the New Gods of Gender and Capitalism”
Some very good points there – among many others. Although, somewhat in passing, I’m curious about the “wants to be seen as a boy”. Never having had kids myself I don’t have much of a clue about handling the thornier aspects of raising kids – and transgenderism has to be one of the biggest “thorns” going – but I wonder why you, or any parent in that same situation, wouldn’t just point out the biological impossibility of changing sex. While there may be some justification for a girl wanting to “look” like a boy – or, in general, any person like a typical member of the opposite sex – it seems important or useful to emphasize that they wouldn’t ever qualify as one of those.
In any case, quite agree with you on “a new religion”, and on “another sacrifice to the New Gods of Gender”. Along that line, as I’ve just mentioned in another comment, you might be interested in an essay at the Journal of Cultural Anthropology by Sahar Sadjadi titled "Deep in the Brain: Identity and Authenticity in Pediatric Gender Transition", this passage in particular:
"Moreover, the magico-spiritual undertone of the conversations I witnessed was striking .... As a physician and anthropologist of medicine, I had begun this project as a critical study of a cutting-edge clinical field; I was perplexed by this merging of science, magic, and religion in explaining children’s gender transition."
https://journal.culanth.org/index.php/ca/article/view/3728/430
However, I think your “want to be seen for how we see ourselves” is somewhat “problematic” at best, and for many reasons. Seems to be more important to see how others see us – even if we don’t necessarily agree with their perceptions. And/or to see ourselves as we “really are”, although that can be rather difficult at best, particularly given our tendency to “fool ourselves” one way or another. As Robert Burns put it:
“Oh, would some Power give us the gift
To see ourselves as others see us!
It would from many a blunder free us,
And foolish notion:
What airs in dress and gait would leave us,
And even devotion!”
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/To_a_Louse
But I think that the whole transgender phenomenon provides us all with something of an avenue into understanding how we all develop our senses of self, and some of the more pathological manifestations of that process. Even if that knowledge is often somewhat less than “academic” for some than others.
In any case, for elaborations on that theme, you might be interested in some articles on “imprinting”, Woody Allen’s “mockumentary” Zelig about “The Chameleon Man”, and Nabokov’s novella “The Eye”:
“The novel deals largely with indeterminate locus of identity and the social construction of identity in the reactions and opinions of others. Smurov exists as a fraud, nobleman, scoundrel, ‘sexual adventurer’, thief, and spy in the eyes of the various characters. ... As the protagonist carefully collects these observations, he attempts to build a stable perspective on Smurov — whom we only belatedly discover is the narrator himself. The result is a meditation on the relationship between subjectivity and objectivity.”
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imprinting_(psychology)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zelig
https://web.archive.org/web/20120916225030/http://movies.nytimes.com/movie/review?res=9A00E0DA103BF934A25754C0A965948260
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Eye_(novel)
Hi Steersman, StoicMom has already responded to your good post better than I can but I have to comment regarding "but I wonder why you, or any parent in that same situation, wouldn’t just point out the biological impossibility of changing sex." As a mom it made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. These girls and young women don't see it as "changing sex" so much as that they believe they really are this sort of special being on the inside.
We certainly tried reason and logic but it does no good. Our daughter was bathing in the ideology and the peer group for maybe two or three years before she had any conviction and before we knew to have a concern. I think we might have headed it off had we known. But it all does sound so ridiculous, doesn't it? Who would expect this? The kids go back over their pasts and have a narrative that doesn't match anything that really happened in their childhoods, too. They want to be "seen" a certain way, mostly not as young women. I think the part about maybe doing something medical is getting pushed on them from the outside.
The Department of Health and Human Services has just announced new guidelines about affirming the "reality" and getting kids "Gender Affirming Care". So, it is even coming from the White House! I believe the "push" comes from the adult male AGPs like James/Jennifer Pritzer and that the kids and teens are collateral damage. I am pretty sure that the teenage girls have not been successfully lobbying the White House or using their allowances to fund lobbies or get medical associations to change their stances.
Once someone is fully involved in a religion, complete with "us" and "non-believer" thinking - have you ever tried to talk that person out of his or her religion? Imagine doing this when all the institutions around you are part of the religion. Doctors are on board. Teachers certainly are on board and busy "affirming"/gas-lighting. And, it's a teen. As a parent you find yourself with this double whammy of shock that people have been calling your girl a boy name and "he" while at the same time you are treated like a horrible bigot by the parents of "friends" and by teachers for not jumping up and down in celebration regarding this thing from absolute left field. Of course, they've been having secret talks with your kid for a long time and are morally superior about that. Plus, the cult does seem to serve a need these girls and young women have.
The best thing is to maintain connection to your child and get them busy actually doing things in the world instead of dwelling on Identity.
LM,
"... responded to your good post ... "
Thanks. 🙂 And thanks for the elaboration on your own experiences.
"... they believe they really are this sort of special being on the inside ...."
We're all "special", certainly unique, even if with a great many commonalities. But seems to me that the problem is when various "transkids" [😉] try to put a generic name – "male", "female" – to that "special being" that conflicts with common use. Sort of like using "gender" to refer to reproductive abilities when most [sensible] people use it to refer to a range of psychological traits ... 😉
But generally there are objective correlates and criteria to qualify as members of particular categories. A person of 50 calling their "special being" a "teenager" when they clearly don't meet the criteria to qualify as one – being 13 to 19 – might reasonably expect to get some push-back. Particularly if there are some rights and benefits attached to one state that aren't attached to the other.
"... doing something medical is getting pushed on them from the outside ..."
Agreed. Think StoicMom used "iatrogenic" in one of her posts to describe that, though it probably boils down to pretty much the same thing.
"The Department of Health and Human Services has just announced new guidelines ..."
There is going to be, should be hell to pay for that. A medical scandal that is little short of the Tuskegee Syphilis Study.
"have you ever tried to talk that person out of his or her religion?"
Good point; don't think I'd ever thought of it quite that way. Even though that Cultural Anthropology article talked about "magico-spiritual undertone", and "the merging of science, magic, and religion", it didn't give quite the same flavour or sense.
And your reference to "cults" reminded me of "deprogramming", though don't see any evidence of it being used in the case of "gender ideology":
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deprogramming
Sadly fallen out of favour? 😉
"doing things instead of dwelling on Identity"
Sounds like a good policy. I've periodically thought or argued that the phenomenon of "identity" in transgenderism is part and parcel of "identity politics". Haven't read much of this article – "Must Identity Movements Self-Destruct?" – myself but it seems to offer some insights into that:
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/242372156_Must_Identity_Movement_Self-Destruct_A_Queer_Dilemma
I think "trans identified" works better than "transkids" on so many levels. The biggest one being that it denotes a transitory state. "Transkids" sounds like they are not going to forget all about how they ever went through this when they are 30 if they do not fall into the hands of hormone and surgery profiteers. Many of them who have not gone medical will say "mom I was a teenager" even as their mothers are still in recovery.
We mothers understand this to be like talking someone out of a religion which it pretty much is for these girls. I am really going to disagree with you about gender. Mr. Rogers had the gender/sex = male even though he was a nurturing person. There are certainly rights/benefits/different treatment attached to being of the male or female sex. Men are not pregnant for 9 months, losing use of stomach muscles, etc. Title 9 was invented for girls in sports. Men should not be in prison with women... "Deprogramming" is not used for "ROGD" girls because anything other than wild eyed "affirmation" (gas-lighting) of ROGD girls is "conversion therapy" by law.
So, there are no "transkids" but we do trans kids (where "trans" is a verb) and it is child abuse of the highest order.
I'd readily agree that much of the transgender issue is little more child abuse. ICYMI, clever cartoon on "progressive parenting":
https://patcrosscartoons.com/2019/10/08/progressive-parenting/
But don't think you can reasonably make up your own definitions. "trans" as in transgender typically means "the other side" [of typical, "cis" gender]:
"trans- prefix
Definition of trans- (Entry 3 of 3)
1: on or to the other side of : across : beyond
transatlantic"
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/trans
I have no wish to make up my own definitions. "Cis" is made up and I reject it.
"Trans" as in "Transgender" is a recent fiction when the movement wanted to remove the word "sex" from "transexual". Dr. Soh does a pretty good job explaining the sexual nature of the matter among adults. On PITT and elsewhere we commonly refer to "transing" children which seems to have popped up to refer to what our society is doing to so many kids and teens.
"Our daughter was bathing in the ideology and the peer group for maybe two or three years before she had any conviction and before we knew to have a concern. I think we might have headed it off had we known. But it all does sound so ridiculous, doesn't it?"
Yeah, I think "Rapid Onset" is a little off in that so many had probably spent years being groomed and indoctrinated before revealing these identities to their families. Mine certainly did. Sadly, she insists she was the first in her peer group to "come out." One member of this group is on puberty blockers and another has been on testosterone for several years and had her healthy breasts removed. We moved away, but she keeps in touch.
So sorry. Mine thought she was pretty unique but then we talked about everyone she knew...so heartbreaking.
I agree. In coining "Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria" Lisa Littman was trying to differentiate from the previously known cohort - boyhood presenting extremely feminine homosexual male people with a body disphoria disorder (of the mind) - a group documented for quite some time that was always infinitesimal. As we learn more about this new large puberty presenting female group we know that they've been immersed in an ideology for sometime before becoming true believers and saying all the things they say which conflict with what was observed in childhood. Their distress is real but nothing else including "I have dysphoria" is. The problem is really made worse when teachers & everyone affirm/gaslight which is what the White House is pushing now. It could have been something that never left the friend group. It sounds like something similar is happening with teen boys.
Yes, I so appreciate Littman's work. If we could just be real about the different types of dysphoria, we could actually differentiate treatment appropriately. Unfortunately, this would shatter the delusion of "true trans" and demolish the practices of so many medical practitioners and their clinics. The economic sector that's arisen around this lie is not going to go quietly.
The state of things is quite discouraging but I hold out hope that this can't last much longer.
Some of the types of "dysphoria" are not even dysphoria, IMO.
Agreed that the economic sector that's arisen around this lie is not going to go quietly. I also hope that this can't last much longer. We cannot be passive but must help see it out the door.
Dysphoria is also a pretty nebulous word. Right now it is used to describe the "current symptom cluster." I would much rather my daughter believe she has gender dysphoria than that she was somehow born in the wrong body. I guess what I'm saying is just as I don't believe in "true trans", I'm skeptical of lots of disorders we've named in the DSM. I think people are in psychic pain and seeking answers. Even those HSTS boys are likely just homosexual but growing up in a culture where feminine, same-sex attracted boys are unacceptable. Unacceptable = psychic pain. Crazy Like Us is a good read. And Anatomy of an Epidemic. I came into this already skeptical of our profit-driven sick care system. It's why my girl knew I'd never get on board with this.
Wow, what a lengthy and well cited response! I'm certainly curious about many of these links and will hopefully find time to explore. Honestly, I think some of these teens that are determined to have others see them as something they're not will be the same adults driven to true authenticity and to a deeper understanding of humans and selves and identities once they tire of the cognitive dissonance or mature out of the needs currently being filled by the cult.
I'm wondering if you've ever communicated with someone who has a faith-based belief system? I'm certain most the parents here will confirm what I've discovered: logic doesn't work. To find a way to "see" my daughter in at least some of the ways she sees herself opens the door for productive communication. This is a precarious situation we find ourselves in and we have to be careful to not position ourselves as the enemy. You know how teens are. Ours have surgeons and glitter families waiting with open arms if we don't navigate this with extreme care. They actually have the medical profession backing their unfalsifiable claims so trying to argue "the science" is pointless; we need to be able to influence them with relationship so maintaining connection becomes the primary m.o. for most of us.
So true - it’s living in the twilight zone- walking on a tight rope balancing your love with fear. Staying connected is the ultimate goal. Because to maintain trust in us- the only people who are actually responsible for their well-being - their parents - is all we have.
I know how exhausting the consciousness of "walking on a tight rope balancing your love with fear" is! I've come to believe trust is our best friend. I explain some in this piece:https://stoicmom.substack.com/p/communicating-with-your-archetypal?s=w
StoicMom,
Thanks for the compliment. 🙂
I've certainly seen some encouraging stories of various "detransitioners" though, sadly, that's too often after "irreversible damage" - as Abigail Shrier put it. But, as you suggest, that detransitioning is often after the "cognitive dissonance" becomes unsupportable, though hopefully before that damage is done. To load you up with another link or two 🙂, you might like an oldish article from 2015 by Michele Goldberg who said:
"Though 'trans women are women' has become a trans rights rallying cry, [transwoman] Highwater writes, it primes trans women for failure, disappointment, and cognitive dissonance. She calls it a 'vicious lie.' ..."
https://slate.com/human-interest/2015/12/gender-critical-trans-women-the-apostates-of-the-trans-rights-movement.html
But I can well sympathize with parents of transgender kids - clearly a tough row to hoe. Reminds me of, apparently, a father of one who was rather decidedly "peeved', with good reason, at how the medical establishment has contributed to that sad state of affairs:
"Someday, I hope to sit in court and listen as my kid’s affirmation therapist and physician explain under oath what their motivations were in regards to my child’s treatment. My personal impulse would be to do that interrogation myself, with the assistance of a hammer, and possibly a blow torch. But that would be uncivilized."
https://whyevolutionistrue.com/2022/03/20/michael-shermer-argues-that-transitioning-to-the-female-gender-after-puberty-is-equivalent-in-sports-to-doping/#comment-1986211
Hard not to see the whole issue as an egregious medical scandal of the first water, little short of the Tuskegee syphilis study:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tuskegee_Syphilis_Study
But thanks for the elaboration on "faith-based belief system" and "logic doesn't work". Pretty difficult to have much of a conversation when people simply don't want to hear anything that might disabuse them of their illusions or dogma - of one sort or another. I'm sure it's a "challenge" to find common definitions, points of reference, and terminology without which communication is simply impossible.
In any case, I wish you and other parents in the same boat the best of luck; not much more than a bromide but I've periodically found it helps to remember that "tough times don't last, tough people do". 🙂
Regarding "parents of transgender kids'. I think we must all stop using the language of the activists/cult. There are "trans identified" or "trans identifying" kids but there are no "transgender kids" born in the "wrong body".
Thanks for your earlier clarification which I'll try to respond to shortly.
But quite agree with you about "born in the wrong body". Though I periodically wonder whether a large part of the problem isn't a hormone imbalance of one sort or another. One fairly articulate transwoman - Zinnia Jones - argued that estrogen helped to settle "her" mind; reminds me of Kay Redfield Jamison's "An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir in Moods and Madness":
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/An_Unquiet_Mind
It may well be that "cross-sex hormones" do help to attentuate the worst aspects of dysphoria even if there are some quite serious side effects. Clearly, the drug companies need to be looking into "accentuating the positive and eliminating the negative".
But while I might quibble somewhat over "transgender kids" - they certainly seem to exhibit a gender [i.e., personality types; masculine, feminine] other than one typical of their sex, I'd generally agree about "using the language of the activists/cult".
Bit of serious problem that ostensibly more or less credible newsmagazines are doing the same thing; somewhat apropos of which, my recent comment over at GC News (worth a follow, free to do so 🙂):
https://gcnews.substack.com/p/saturday-april-2-2022/comment/5860151?s=r
Humm... I've come across Z. Jones before and I couldn't comment on his situation - I wish him well - but I think it's unrelated to the PITT population...
Regarding "they certainly seem to exhibit a gender [i.e., personality types; masculine, feminine] other than one typical of their sex". I really disagree. My girl has always been very feminine, gentle, nurturing and bright with interests all over the field. - That is until she was in deep with Gender Ideology and became an unpleasant person to know for awhile. Girls & young women of all stripes are in this gender hell with their families - feminine, not feminine, straight, gay, "typical", "atyplical". "Gender" has an answer for all that ails! This "atypical of their sex" meme may be coming from adult males.
And, I think it is vital to take back reality based language. I've been saying that for a little while - but here is an article that just came out about it and I think it really is for anyone, conservative or liberal who is pro-reality and wants to push back against ideology:
https://thepostmillennial.com/conservatives-must-stop-using-the-jargon-of-progressive-activism-to-debate-trans-ideology
I wish ZJ well too, but I only brought him up to suggest that transgenderism may have some biological and hormonal roots. Did you even look at that "Unquiet Mind"? Lots of psychological problems seem to have a chemical basis - and fix.
But I don't quite understand your objection to the use of "feminine" and "masculine" as "personality types" since you used the former to describe your daughter. Though in passing I'm sorry to hear the grief that you, and many other parents, have had, but I'm happy to hear your daughter is apparently on the mend.
But I'm curious, if you don't mind, about what symptoms she actually exhibited. That she had a feminine personality does not seem to preclude "identifying as a male" - if that's what she did. Same sort of thing as an actual male exhibiting a feminine personality, or a female exhibiting a masculine personality, even if they don't "identify-as" members of the opposite sex. But there are lots of combinations and variations, particularly if you look at personalities as a spectrum.
But kind of get the impression that you have some difficulty with the idea that a person can, for example, have a male sex but a feminine personality. That they would therefore have a feminine gender. Likewise with some difficulty in accepting the idea, the "theory" that sex and gender are - ideally at least - quite different categories, that they encompass quite different sets of traits. Rejecting that framework, that perspective, seems to make it more difficult to resolve that type of problem.
I'll cheerfully and readily concede that there's probably a great deal of rot - if not psychosis - in "gender identity" - as we've discussed about that Cultural Anthropology article. But "gender identity" is not all of what is encompassed by the concept of gender; some parts are more credible than other parts.
Think you have to try separating wheat and chaff, accentuating the positive and eliminating the negative. Try reading with something of an open mind Wikipedia's article on Gender, although I will emphasize that I think they're heavily biased themselves, that far too much of the article is little more than gushing over Judith Butler, and incoherent twaddle if not outright insanity:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender
But thanks for the PM article, though, in passing, they have to be one of the worst magazines going for the number of their ads. Makes the whole thing almost unreadable - too bad in a way as they often have good articles with credible viewpoints - as with the one you linked.
However, I wonder whether you even looked at my GC News comment as I said pretty much the same thing they did, that nobody transitions to the opposite sex, that "transgender women" should be called "male transvestities" or "sexless eunuchs", that the Daily Mail and The Times were either "sloppy, clueless, or ... swallowing – hook, line, and sinker – the transactivist party line."
Yes, I would agree about the vicious lie that is not only a disservice to those experiencing the delusion but to those whose experience they are appropriating and whose rights conflict with the demands of the deluded. A reckoning is coming--not in time for the families currently caught up in this. We're kind of on our own, but we're learning from each other and supporting each other. We're recognizing what we're made of and the importance of modeling resilience, tuning into our inner wisdom, and that "happiness" is not a reasonable goal but a temporary state. Life is rich with joy and suffering, and the sooner we understand what we have control over and focus our efforts there, the more impact we can have. As you said, "tough times don't last, tough people do." Fragile ideas don't last either.
StoicMom,
"vicious lie ... a disservice"
Amen to that, on both accounts. "2+2=5" and all that.
Reminds me of the American moralist, journalist, and author Philip Wylie who, in his Generation of Vipers, argued that man “would learn that when he kids himself, or believes a lie, or deceives another man, he commits a crime as real and as destructive as the crime of deliberately running down a person with an automobile.”
"A reckoning is coming"
Amen to that too – and it's not even Sunday 😉.
Assuming that you're in the US, you may not have run across Kellie-Jay Keen – AKA Posie Parker ("nosy parker"), YouTuber, "anti-gender activist", and general all-around "trouble-maker" – who several years ago emblazoned the standard definition for "woman" – "adult human female" – on billboards and building walls all across the UK in letters 10 feet high. Which was deemed part of a "transphobic campaign". 🙄
https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-45650462
For which I've periodically argued she deserves Time's Person of the Year award as that has to qualify as the modern-day equivalent of "mene, mene, tekel, upharsin", the writing on the wall in more ways and venues than just one. We simply have to start calling a spade an effen shovel, have to start drawing some lines in the sand. And defining our terms and categories on the basis of objective, as opposed to entirely subjective, criteria has to be seen as a crucially important way of doing so.
"what we have control over and focus our efforts there ..."
A more or less complete synopsis of stoicism ... 😉
"Fragile ideas don't last either."
Indeed. Though many of them wind up with more currency and a longer run on the world's stage than they really deserve. With a teenage daughter you're probably too young to have had any direct exposure to the "satanic panic" of the 1980s, but it is part and parcel of a more ubiquitous phenomenon that speaks to the nature of the beast. A beast, whose hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem waiting to be born ... to coin a phrase.
But – on the basis that forewarned is forearmed – you might be interested in several overviews – one from 1841, and a more recent one from 2019 – of that phenomenon that speak rather eloquently, if not damningly, to the pervasive and often pernicious "Popular Delusions and Madness of Crowds":
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extraordinary_Popular_Delusions_and_the_Madness_of_Crowds
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Madness_of_Crowds:_Gender,_Race_and_Identity
Thank you. Maybe one day we can get away from labels. You said trans means being a character, an avatar and described it in terms of being in the digital age. It is about much more than that. "Avatar (Sanskrit: अवतार, avatāra; pronounced [ɐʋɐtaːrɐ]), is a concept within Hinduism that in Sanskrit literally means "descent". It signifies the material appearance or incarnation of a deity on Earth.” They are being taught they are gods. The Oneness of paganism. It's not limited to trans kids either. Advocates for Youth is Planned Parenthood's youth arm that produces, promotes, and profits from explicit, inclusive sex ed. Their training program gives teachers the opportunities to "practice teaching student avatars." I know it sounds crazy, but most things do these days.
I don't know how many times I've said, "I know it sounds crazy." Indeed, most things do these days.
"What tangled webs we weave ...."
But amen to that - such "craziness" arguably being the consequence of trying to deceive others.
Or even worse, deceiving ourselves, particularly as that is far too often the easiest thing to do. As Richard Feynman put it:
"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool."
https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/richard_p_feynman_137642
But if we've fooled ourselves right out of the chute, if we have no intellectual, moral, or psychological integrity ourselves, then how can we possibly withstand "the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune"? To coin a phrase ...
“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”
Same fellow ... 😉
Trans is control: Declaring one's status as Trans grants kids the opportunity to make demands on those who hold power over them, namely, school officials, teachers and parents. Forcing people to pretend to see you as you see yourself must be a powerful tonic indeed for a powerless kid.
Yes. I find it unfortunate that our children feel so powerless. I don't think that's healthy for anyone. I would agree that it's a control tactic.
Which is why, I would argue, that the manipulative tactic of using suicide as a threat to force affirmation of one’s identity is total BS- if you take your life, then you don’t get to remain in control of how other’s see you. You would lose your power.
Thank you again, for this brilliant piece. I am 100% with you on this perspective. I can see my kid as Trans when I see it this way. You've broken it down perfectly.
You hit the nail on the head with the notion that wanting to be a boy is not the problem; it's society's response that is the problem. Fantasies are a normal part of growing up. The problem is: (1) adults take those fantasies and concretize them by mutilating young people's bodies; and (2) society gags anyone who would object, or try and interject a small bit of reality rather than nodding along with the fantasy. As far as I know, there has never been a trend like this before.
Read Marchiano’s use of the glass delusion as a metaphor here… https://books.google.com/books?id=OPlVDwAAQBAJ&pg=PA107&lpg=PA107&dq=marchiano+glass+delusion&source=bl&ots=xzWrhjp6Oj&sig=ACfU3U2Pq5vKYd-c-c1tbQKJ8RWUQx0ukw&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwic4q23tPX2AhVVOH0KHUEGAgkQ6AF6BAg7EAI
What a thoughtful article. I am a professional therapist and I think your analysis is spot-on. So helpful. Thank you.
MeliD712,
Indeed. But as a "professional therapist" yourself, both you and StoicMom might be interested in an essay at the Journal of Cultural Anthropology by Sahar Sadjadi titled "Deep in the Brain: Identity and Authenticity in Pediatric Gender Transition", this passage in particular:
"Moreover, the magico-spiritual undertone of the conversations I witnessed was striking .... As a physician and anthropologist of medicine, I had begun this project as a critical study of a cutting-edge clinical field; I was perplexed by this merging of science, magic, and religion in explaining children’s gender transition."
https://journal.culanth.org/index.php/ca/article/view/3728/430
Some reason to argue that there's some merit to the concept of gender - at least as "the range of [objectively quantifiable] characteristics pertaining to femininity and masculinity and differentiating between them" as Wikipedia puts it:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender
However, "gender identity" - as a set of entirely subjective perceptions, as a "magico-spiritual" transmogrification of "science, magic, and religion" - has to be seen as something of a Frankensteinian monster.
Rather important that we be able to separate wheat and chaff, particularly when so much of the latter is rather "poisonous" indeed.
This is my daughter.
This is a great article, thank you for introducing us to this substack. It articulates well many thoughts I have had about the kind of kid who would be vulnerable to trans ideology. 40 years ago, I was one of those kids. Like Helena, I know I would have been sucked in. To you parents who are struggling with how to navigate this painful lose-lose landscape, here is a tiny story that I hope is inspiring.
I moved to Olympia, WA with my family when I was 12. It was a terrible time for a kid to move and I had a very difficult adolescence. Olympia was (still is) home to the infamous Evergreen State College, an experimental college which over the decades has birthed many a queer theorist and social justice warrior. Of course, counter-culture (hippie-punk) Elizabeth wanted to go to Evergreen. My mother refused. I was so angry! I cried and screamed and stomped. It was where I felt I belonged. I KNEW I belonged there! But I got over it and pretty much forgot about it. Yesterday I was visiting with my mother, who is now 93. After what I have learned about the dangers playing out from post-modern theories so incubated at Evergreen, I casually said to Mom: "Mom, thank you for not letting me to go Evergreen!" Mom got tears in her beautiful blue eyes. She told me how much she agonized over that refusal, how worried she was I would disengage from her since I was over 18. I threatened to do so, and considered it, but realized I needed their financial support to go to college. Of course, Mom knew nothing about queer theory which had yet to take over academia, but she had a mother's instinct that this subculture would not be the best for her impressionable, highly sensitive and awkward daughter. And she was right. I had no idea of how much she agonized about that until yesterday. It meant the world to her to hear me say that, to help her heal the pain she felt about it too. Hold that faith in your heart: some day, maybe when they are senior citizens themselves (!) your children may thank you for doing your best to protect them.
Thank you. This possibility is what keeps me going. Perhaps my family members who chastise and shame me for not affirming my child’s identity will one day do the same…
I hope so too Jolene.
Bravo. 👏🙂
Many parents are unsung heroes and heroines in the trenches on the front lines of many battles - wish I'd had a greater appreciation of that when I was younger, in their "The Living Years" 🙂:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hr64MxYpgk
Thanks for reminding me of that song. I know I am so very lucky that I still have my mama with me and have the chance to tell her how grateful I am for her love and protection, and to care for her now in return. With age comes perspective, but that often takes a very long time to break through the generational barriers of language and culture and apparent value differences. Dissecting gender ideology has made me realize ways that my boomer generation really messed things up in some ways and was also harmful to me and my friends. As happens with every generation of human beings. I do think even when we have missed that chance to communicate in the living years, we can still heal these wounds by expressing our gratitude for our parents, as he does in this song. Maybe it is part of the cycle of healing, generation after generation.
De nada; share the wealth, praise the lord and pass the ammunition 🙂
But quite agree with "long time", "generational barriers", "expressing our gratitude", and "generation after generation".
Reminds me of a quip by Mark Twain that I had occasion to quote at the "celebration of life" for my father - gawd rest his soul - as something of a needle directed at my own siblings who were somewhat late to appreciate the wisdom of it:
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/78468-when-i-was-a-boy-of-14-my-father-was
Ever thus, although for some it seems to take more than seven years ... 🙂. As my own father used to say, "too soon old, and too late smart"; part and parcel of the tragedy of life.
I hope and pray to be in that position one day.
Muffin Mama, I do know that you are up against so much more than my mother was in the 1970s...but I hope and pray for that for you and your child too.
Thank you.
Aaaahh. I love this so much. I refer to my mother often in my Substack. So grateful for her fortitude--I didn't fully appreciate it until entering this phase with my own adolescent.
We can use this experience to heal ourselves and emerge stronger, wiser, more whole. And more connected to our intuition like your mother was. Parenting offers us the ultimate experience in personal growth, if we choose to see it that way.
Well said!
Amen
What a perfect description of this phenomenon.
I completely agree with everything here, but this really stands out:
"This teen predictably adopts whatever was offered to them as the current acceptable counterculture: punk, goth, emo, Trans. Markets were created in all these instances, but the Trans counterculture is the first to concretize a temporary and trendy identity with extreme and irreversible body modifications. "
This is what makes "Trans" so scary. It could have been harmless adolescent experimentation - children trying out different masks, as you say. This sort of "kid stuff" stayed amongst the kids, and never extended to the adults in the room. But now, the adults are using it to virtue signal and further their own agendas and (of course) make billions of dollars. THIS is what harms young people.
A 13 year old girl saying she wants to (look/act like/be seen as) a boy isn't a problem.
An adult taking that girl, blocking her puberty, putting her on hormone injections, and removing her breasts in some impossible attempt to actually turn her into a boy? THAT IS A PROBLEM.
Fantastic article and very thoughtful analysis of the many different things that 'Trans' actually is, or can be
Wow, this really resonates. Exactly my child, my thoughts.
Thank you. We are so torn with our 12 yr old. She can't speak about it to us (anything close and she literally hides under the covers). We found out by fluke as her oh so wise teachers were secretly affirming this new gender identity. We too are riding out this storm.
I remember my daughter hiding under the covers when we first learned about all this.