Thank you for sharing your experience. Not minimizing it in any way, but it seems a lot like having someone you love being a "recovering" drug addict or alcoholic. Once the trust is gone, how DO you get it back? Such a devastating thing. Praying for you and your family.
I'm crying out of being seen. Thank you. My son also desisted. You feel so misunderstood in the world. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have the support of other parents here. To be able to just talk openly, about how damaging and insidious this ideology has been to you as a person, to your relationship with your child. I feel like others blame my parenting, and therefore me, for this happening. It didn't happen to their child. I never saw it coming. I felt like someone took a board in a full swing to my head. My son and I don't talk about it either..it's been a year. Once in a while he'll tell me something he doesn't agree with the ideology. He still goes to a woke church. I'm changed, more unsure. I don't want to be around people, but I have to. I have a staff. Thank you for this writing. It really helped me this morning. Now to go into at work, surrounded by my woke coworkers...sigh.
I wouldn't use contraceptives that have sexual hormones. Old generation progestins used in IUD-s were androgenic. The new generation progestins are weaker androgens, nevertheless. Menstruation pain can be relieved by a lot of alternative methods.
My advice to you concerning your son is to just instill in him a satisfaction with who God made him. He should feel happy with his masculinity and be comfortable in his body. Both sexes are equally important and complement each other in beautiful ways. I don't know if his father is in the picture but I really feel that boys learn so much about manhood from their male role models. Whether it be a father, grandfather, or even a trusted friend, that is who they learn from the most. As a mother, I try to instill in my son a respect for women as human beings with feelings, not as objects. I really feel that society is dropping the ball on this one and making our boys feel unwanted and unneeded for who they really are. Great news about your daughter, I wish you happiness in the future for both of your children.
Thank you for sharing this. Your story is deeply similar to mine. I have a naturally desisted daughter too, and my once solidly left leaning belief system has landed me in the same uncomfortable middle ground. I'm an outsider to both left and right, still baffled by the irrational extremism on both sides, still striving to treat people - on all sides - with the tolerance and belief in freedom of speech I wish I could receive for my own moderate positions. It feels like I ALWAYS have to be the bigger person, accepting what I can't control, changing the subject with grace, watching closely for places in which i might plant seeds of critical thinking. I've lost a dear friend to this issue as well, and I often avoid relationships with new people due to the topic of gender. I build bridges but remain on an island myself. Ideologically, i'm not that different than I was before, but I now see the world through a far more sobering lens.
Politically, I agree with everyone’s comments here. I’m not going to waste my vote. Trump seems to have a pretty good level headed team (many ex-dems!) & it is for sure, a single issue for me. It has to stop
The journey described in this post just shouldn’t be happening. It is so devastating
Thanks for your essay I too have a trans identifying daughter but she is 19 and has been taking testosterone for almost 12 months. She’s living at home and quietly dominating our family. She has always been an attention seeking person and tends to tell us about whatever her current obsession is: at the moment it’s Formula 1 car racing (the real kind not online) and she will interrupt whatever I’m doing to regale me with the ins and outs of the latest practice sessions and the pole positions if the drivers etc. I have a passing interest in the topic but politely listen to her go on about it as I have always done her whole life. I love her with every fiber of my being but I can’t stand her “male” cosplaying as it makes me very anxious. She gets “antsy” at random times and will berate me about left wing topics like: Evil Israel, my (imaginary on her part) racism towards aborigines, my refusal to use her chosen name, evil Donald Trump, my (imaginary on her part) homophobia, you name it she’ll pick a topic and tell me I’m stupid and all her friends and work colleagues think I’m stupid if I refer to her by her birth name because quote: “I look like this!”
gesturing to her male costume, bound chest and testosterone induced light facial hair and deepened voice. My latest tactic was to tell her to go for a drive and calm down which she did and she came back nice as pie as if nothing had transpired - it’s exhausting! She’s moving interstate next year to attend University and - can I say it? - I can’t wait it will be a huge relief. I remind myself everyday that I had a lovely, vivacious, chatty, fun loving little girl for at least 15 years and now I have to let her go and make her own decisions - right and wrong - and get on with the rest of my life with my similarly affected husband without constant regrets. It’s exhausting but it sounds like even if they desist you can never fully trust life’s circumstances again. I wish you peace and calm and your for daughter to continue to love and respect her real self. All the best.
Your story sounds very close to mine. When mine turned 18 she went to live w enabling sister out of state and stress went way down inside our household walls. Saw her 6 months later after 2 months of T and I was devastated. Just praying she wakes up. I just wish I could ask her what is better now. What is one thing that she is enjoying now presenting as a “man” that she couldn’t enjoy as herself.
It’s not far away now my daughter claims she is moving interstate in December she has brought it forward so I’m thinking the stress level will drop too! It’s just sooo unfathomable that our smart, pretty, capable girl has been sucked into this horrendous cult. I just don’t get it. 🤦♀️
Honestly - if she's dominating you and your family, you aren't parenting, and I don't mean for that to be an insult. Tell her point blank that you are not a racist nor a homophobe and that you are both hurt and unhappy at her accusations of these things.
From what you've said, it feels as if she's looking for direction from you, and here you are, letting her be the "adult" she's not capable of being.
Show some strength to her, show her the courage of YOUR convictions. You might be amazed at the difference it makes. And if it changes nothing, you've no further behind.
Thanks for your comments I know you mean well but believe me I have said all the things you’ve suggested. She was a lovely, affectionate easy going kid until she was 171/2 and suddenly became an angry, aggressive bully. Believe me it was a total turn around so we thought our parenting was fine we had two lovely well adjusted daughters - until suddenly we didn’t. So with all due respect this is something we have had to adjust to and adapt our parenting style to survive until she moves out. It’s baffling and stressful. We are not angry, aggressive parents and we’ve never had to be so even though I have been forceful and adamantly said NO to so much of this insanity her personality change has made our lives very tricky and uncomfortable but we’ll survive.
Thank you for putting hope out into the world. I have been waiting for more of these stories. Many folks just move on without reporting back. Take care of yourself - you have been through a trauma - and lean in with curiosity about why you think your relationship with your daughter is fragile. Authentic connection is eveything.
We seem to be at the start of this desistance journey (all fingers and toes crossed), and I can point to three possible factors of influence.
Firstly, she struggled at school for the last 8 years. Being diagnosed ADHD, then much later, ASD, the teachers never connected with her, and she always felt like a star shaped peg forced into a square hole. A month ago, she graduated. The pressure has come off, and she is free to do what she wants every day. We have not forced her into any employment or further education yet, although we have encouraged her to get the ball rolling.
Secondly, most of her trans identified friends were in the year below her. She had a loose group of friends in her own year, and now that she has graduated, she is forced to socialise with the older more normal group more than the younger group. While she still has connection with the younger group, it is the older group she is choosing to physically hang out with because they are more available to her.
Thirdly, we have finally been able to find a treatment that is working for her raging acne. Now that she is not exhausted by school every day, she is finding the time and the motivation to walk the dog. She is also taking a slightly higher interest in her physical health. And she is taking control of her own medication. She is seeing a light at the end of her health tunnel.
I’m too afraid to say anything. We had a fight a few months ago where I made my views clear, and she cried. I don’t do well in arguments. I tend to attack. So instead, I have steadily called her by her real name and gender, and encouraged her brother to rethink his affirming view. We’re encouraging her to live her true “authentic self “, not the one the ideology pushed on her.
The key to what you're experiencing is Free Speech. Left wingers are usually dogmaticly opposed to anyone who disagrees with them. I don't care what your political affiliation is, not even if you have none at all. What's important is that you're no longer stifled in your thinking. Congratulations on your daughter's recovery.
I feel like I could have written this entire article. It all rings true to me. Thank you for sharing. I'm so glad your daughter seem to have come to her senses, and hoping the woke mind virus will dissipate as well. I'm in the same boat with my daughter.
I am independent and regretfully voted for Biden and not a fan of Trump but have become single issue voter. Destroying woke mind virus & first do no harm supersedes all political ideologies.
Thank you for identifying Colin Wright as the creator of the stick figure, political cartoon illustrating your essay. This simple but brilliant drawing epitomized the shifting political landscape for me, and many others too. When I saw it shared on Twitter a couple of years ago, it was not credited, and I have always wondered whose creation this was. Good to know Colin Wright created this.
I am happy to have read this today. I can fully empathize with the feeling of never feeling you can relax due to fear of the ideology roaring back. But what struck me most is the theory on awful periods. My 16 year old (trans male identified) daughter just asked me about ways to control her periods better. Like the pill or iud. And I’m scheduling an appointment. I have long wondered if this would be a solution for her. But never wanted to suggest female hormones for fear of her lashing out and it backfiring. So now that she is asking for this as a possible solution, I am so so so hopeful!!
It seems that whatever you've done, you've done it right. I'd just continue on that same path.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Not minimizing it in any way, but it seems a lot like having someone you love being a "recovering" drug addict or alcoholic. Once the trust is gone, how DO you get it back? Such a devastating thing. Praying for you and your family.
I'm crying out of being seen. Thank you. My son also desisted. You feel so misunderstood in the world. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have the support of other parents here. To be able to just talk openly, about how damaging and insidious this ideology has been to you as a person, to your relationship with your child. I feel like others blame my parenting, and therefore me, for this happening. It didn't happen to their child. I never saw it coming. I felt like someone took a board in a full swing to my head. My son and I don't talk about it either..it's been a year. Once in a while he'll tell me something he doesn't agree with the ideology. He still goes to a woke church. I'm changed, more unsure. I don't want to be around people, but I have to. I have a staff. Thank you for this writing. It really helped me this morning. Now to go into at work, surrounded by my woke coworkers...sigh.
I wouldn't use contraceptives that have sexual hormones. Old generation progestins used in IUD-s were androgenic. The new generation progestins are weaker androgens, nevertheless. Menstruation pain can be relieved by a lot of alternative methods.
I hope the Left never figures out that they are making more Right-wing converts than I ever could.
Snicker snicker. 🥰
My advice to you concerning your son is to just instill in him a satisfaction with who God made him. He should feel happy with his masculinity and be comfortable in his body. Both sexes are equally important and complement each other in beautiful ways. I don't know if his father is in the picture but I really feel that boys learn so much about manhood from their male role models. Whether it be a father, grandfather, or even a trusted friend, that is who they learn from the most. As a mother, I try to instill in my son a respect for women as human beings with feelings, not as objects. I really feel that society is dropping the ball on this one and making our boys feel unwanted and unneeded for who they really are. Great news about your daughter, I wish you happiness in the future for both of your children.
Thank you for sharing this. Your story is deeply similar to mine. I have a naturally desisted daughter too, and my once solidly left leaning belief system has landed me in the same uncomfortable middle ground. I'm an outsider to both left and right, still baffled by the irrational extremism on both sides, still striving to treat people - on all sides - with the tolerance and belief in freedom of speech I wish I could receive for my own moderate positions. It feels like I ALWAYS have to be the bigger person, accepting what I can't control, changing the subject with grace, watching closely for places in which i might plant seeds of critical thinking. I've lost a dear friend to this issue as well, and I often avoid relationships with new people due to the topic of gender. I build bridges but remain on an island myself. Ideologically, i'm not that different than I was before, but I now see the world through a far more sobering lens.
Politically, I agree with everyone’s comments here. I’m not going to waste my vote. Trump seems to have a pretty good level headed team (many ex-dems!) & it is for sure, a single issue for me. It has to stop
The journey described in this post just shouldn’t be happening. It is so devastating
Thanks for your essay I too have a trans identifying daughter but she is 19 and has been taking testosterone for almost 12 months. She’s living at home and quietly dominating our family. She has always been an attention seeking person and tends to tell us about whatever her current obsession is: at the moment it’s Formula 1 car racing (the real kind not online) and she will interrupt whatever I’m doing to regale me with the ins and outs of the latest practice sessions and the pole positions if the drivers etc. I have a passing interest in the topic but politely listen to her go on about it as I have always done her whole life. I love her with every fiber of my being but I can’t stand her “male” cosplaying as it makes me very anxious. She gets “antsy” at random times and will berate me about left wing topics like: Evil Israel, my (imaginary on her part) racism towards aborigines, my refusal to use her chosen name, evil Donald Trump, my (imaginary on her part) homophobia, you name it she’ll pick a topic and tell me I’m stupid and all her friends and work colleagues think I’m stupid if I refer to her by her birth name because quote: “I look like this!”
gesturing to her male costume, bound chest and testosterone induced light facial hair and deepened voice. My latest tactic was to tell her to go for a drive and calm down which she did and she came back nice as pie as if nothing had transpired - it’s exhausting! She’s moving interstate next year to attend University and - can I say it? - I can’t wait it will be a huge relief. I remind myself everyday that I had a lovely, vivacious, chatty, fun loving little girl for at least 15 years and now I have to let her go and make her own decisions - right and wrong - and get on with the rest of my life with my similarly affected husband without constant regrets. It’s exhausting but it sounds like even if they desist you can never fully trust life’s circumstances again. I wish you peace and calm and your for daughter to continue to love and respect her real self. All the best.
Your story sounds very close to mine. When mine turned 18 she went to live w enabling sister out of state and stress went way down inside our household walls. Saw her 6 months later after 2 months of T and I was devastated. Just praying she wakes up. I just wish I could ask her what is better now. What is one thing that she is enjoying now presenting as a “man” that she couldn’t enjoy as herself.
It’s not far away now my daughter claims she is moving interstate in December she has brought it forward so I’m thinking the stress level will drop too! It’s just sooo unfathomable that our smart, pretty, capable girl has been sucked into this horrendous cult. I just don’t get it. 🤦♀️
Honestly - if she's dominating you and your family, you aren't parenting, and I don't mean for that to be an insult. Tell her point blank that you are not a racist nor a homophobe and that you are both hurt and unhappy at her accusations of these things.
From what you've said, it feels as if she's looking for direction from you, and here you are, letting her be the "adult" she's not capable of being.
Show some strength to her, show her the courage of YOUR convictions. You might be amazed at the difference it makes. And if it changes nothing, you've no further behind.
Thanks for your comments I know you mean well but believe me I have said all the things you’ve suggested. She was a lovely, affectionate easy going kid until she was 171/2 and suddenly became an angry, aggressive bully. Believe me it was a total turn around so we thought our parenting was fine we had two lovely well adjusted daughters - until suddenly we didn’t. So with all due respect this is something we have had to adjust to and adapt our parenting style to survive until she moves out. It’s baffling and stressful. We are not angry, aggressive parents and we’ve never had to be so even though I have been forceful and adamantly said NO to so much of this insanity her personality change has made our lives very tricky and uncomfortable but we’ll survive.
Good luck, it can’t be easy
Thank you for putting hope out into the world. I have been waiting for more of these stories. Many folks just move on without reporting back. Take care of yourself - you have been through a trauma - and lean in with curiosity about why you think your relationship with your daughter is fragile. Authentic connection is eveything.
We seem to be at the start of this desistance journey (all fingers and toes crossed), and I can point to three possible factors of influence.
Firstly, she struggled at school for the last 8 years. Being diagnosed ADHD, then much later, ASD, the teachers never connected with her, and she always felt like a star shaped peg forced into a square hole. A month ago, she graduated. The pressure has come off, and she is free to do what she wants every day. We have not forced her into any employment or further education yet, although we have encouraged her to get the ball rolling.
Secondly, most of her trans identified friends were in the year below her. She had a loose group of friends in her own year, and now that she has graduated, she is forced to socialise with the older more normal group more than the younger group. While she still has connection with the younger group, it is the older group she is choosing to physically hang out with because they are more available to her.
Thirdly, we have finally been able to find a treatment that is working for her raging acne. Now that she is not exhausted by school every day, she is finding the time and the motivation to walk the dog. She is also taking a slightly higher interest in her physical health. And she is taking control of her own medication. She is seeing a light at the end of her health tunnel.
I’m too afraid to say anything. We had a fight a few months ago where I made my views clear, and she cried. I don’t do well in arguments. I tend to attack. So instead, I have steadily called her by her real name and gender, and encouraged her brother to rethink his affirming view. We’re encouraging her to live her true “authentic self “, not the one the ideology pushed on her.
The key to what you're experiencing is Free Speech. Left wingers are usually dogmaticly opposed to anyone who disagrees with them. I don't care what your political affiliation is, not even if you have none at all. What's important is that you're no longer stifled in your thinking. Congratulations on your daughter's recovery.
I feel like I could have written this entire article. It all rings true to me. Thank you for sharing. I'm so glad your daughter seem to have come to her senses, and hoping the woke mind virus will dissipate as well. I'm in the same boat with my daughter.
I am independent and regretfully voted for Biden and not a fan of Trump but have become single issue voter. Destroying woke mind virus & first do no harm supersedes all political ideologies.
Thank you for identifying Colin Wright as the creator of the stick figure, political cartoon illustrating your essay. This simple but brilliant drawing epitomized the shifting political landscape for me, and many others too. When I saw it shared on Twitter a couple of years ago, it was not credited, and I have always wondered whose creation this was. Good to know Colin Wright created this.
I am happy to have read this today. I can fully empathize with the feeling of never feeling you can relax due to fear of the ideology roaring back. But what struck me most is the theory on awful periods. My 16 year old (trans male identified) daughter just asked me about ways to control her periods better. Like the pill or iud. And I’m scheduling an appointment. I have long wondered if this would be a solution for her. But never wanted to suggest female hormones for fear of her lashing out and it backfiring. So now that she is asking for this as a possible solution, I am so so so hopeful!!