Desistance - but the ripples keep on rippling

In March 2022, I wrote A non-binary story (female version) for PITT. About three months later, to my absolute and utter shock, around her 17th birthday, my daughter started showing signs of desistance. The subsequent year was nothing short of astounding to me. She bought bras, began growing out her hair, got her ears pierced, and changed her clothing to a more feminine style, going so far as to wear a stunningly beautiful dress to the prom. That summer, after breaking up with her long-term girlfriend, she briefly dated a guy. She began university using “any” pronouns and her actual name, sometimes using a variation of it but definitely not the “chosen” name she had used in high school. She began wearing those itty-bitty tight tops that all the girls seem to be wearing. She bought sexy dresses. Another year on and she seems to fully accept being a bisexual female with a feminine appearance and uses her given name all the time.

Why did she desist? 

I have no idea. We have basically not talked about gender for years now. 

I have a few theories. The most plausible is that we got her horrendous periods under control. They were so bad that a couple of times she nearly fainted from the pain. For years she said she wanted no periods (and who could blame her?). After trying a variety of birth control pills that only nominally worked, she finally got an IUD. She almost never gets her period now, and she loves it. The second biggest is that she is dealing better with her anxiety. We were lucky to find an exploratory psychologist to help her sort through some things (did they ever discuss gender? no clue), and now at college she has an exploratory therapist (again, does gender come up? no clue). My third theory is that she just matured, got past the pains of puberty, and basically “grew out of it” (as predicted by Ken Zucker’s research). It’s possible that our approach of just loving connection, affirming her but not the gender identity, and generally not discussing gender worked, but I don’t really know. Her younger brother joining the same school as her may also have had an effect - after all, it is difficult to juggle your conflicting lives at the same time. Or maybe some combination of all of the above. Or maybe none of the above.

But the ripples - the aftereffects - keep on rippling, like a stone thrown into a pond. 

It took me these past two years to exhale - although not fully. Never fully. I wonder if the trans identity could come roaring back at any time, not least of all because she still could be classified as fully “woke.” She’s also doing a liberal arts major, and we all know the professors and students there tend to be extremely far left on the political spectrum.

I have changed as a person. My whole life I was firmly politically left leaning. No more. Now I would call myself independent, or middle, or perhaps politically homeless (although many on the left would now call me right-wing - I laugh at that). Colin Wright’s cartoon (see below) perfectly epitomizes my experience. I’m much more open-minded now in talking with people on the right and much less tolerant of the far left. I still won’t vote for Trump but no longer think Trump voters are evil (gasp!). I also can’t stand Biden/Harris’s position on gender and Title IX. I am now a skeptic of experts and journalists and educational institutions, even of places like the United Nations, which seems to have an overt political agenda. I see how gender ideology is connected to antisemitism and critical justice ideology and DEI. I don’t mind Jordan Peterson or Elon Musk - in fact, I’m grateful to them regarding the gender issue. Five years ago, I never would have imagined any of these things.

I am extremely lucky to have some very open-minded friends who were pillars for me during this difficult period - but not all of them. I still have to be careful who I open up to. I know I can get too dogmatic at times and people don’t want to think about it if they don’t have to (I can relate to Lisa Selin Davis). I have lost a friend over this issue - my best friend during my 20s.

I am overprotective of my son. I am paranoid about what he is taught in school and what he views online, even though he is clearly not susceptible in the same ways as my daughter is. I think he thinks I’m nuts about this issue. I also worry that because he is not susceptible to wokeness, he might be susceptible to far-right ideology. I worry about him being falsely accused of toxic masculinity and then I worry about him becoming a toxic male and then I simply hate the whole damned concept and whatever stupid academic dreamed it up. He doesn’t seem to be, he just seems like a normal (in the old-fashioned sense) teenage boy. My hope - and something my daughter agrees with - is to turn him into a gentleman. Whatever I do, I know I’m insecure about my approach, and I’m sure that’s affecting our relationship. 

Finally, my relationship with my daughter seems fragile. Can we ever fully trust each other? How much of it is normal teenage stuff and her growing up and separating - and how much is gender? Does she hate me, thank me, or perhaps most likely, rarely even think about me? Her therapist wanted us to do family sessions this summer and they were kind of a disaster. He says it’s because we can’t get to the root of the matter and probably, he’s right. But when we get close to the root, our relationship seems to deteriorate. Do we need full transparency? I’m no longer convinced. I know I’m far from a perfect mother, but then again, she has her faults too. Don’t we all just need to be a little forgiving? And yet I espouse this ethos of forgiveness at a time when the world, the internet, therapists, young adults, all seem to be a lot less forgiving, quite a few of them advocating “no contact.” Is that a possibility? Another thing I don’t know.

I am a sadder, more cynical person, and yet I’m happier than I have been in four years, or possibly longer. My mind feels freer even though I know we are all caged. More paradoxes.

I also know I'm incredibly lucky, that so many parents would kill to have my experience. So don't feel bad for me at all. I am not in the least looking for sympathy. What I hope to show is the incredibly insidious and multifaceted ways this ideology permeates so many lives.

And that is the aftermath of desistance, at least in my “lived experience.” As Stella and Sasha said (and I am paraphrasing here) on an episode of their Gender: A Wider Lens podcast, desistance is a constant question mark. I would add, for both the desisters and their parents.

Maybe I’ll write another article in two years with something more definitive. Maybe then the ripples will have reached the shore.