Detransitioner Perspective: How my parents could have better supported me

We were fortunate to hear from a detransitioned woman, who agreed to answer our questions about what her parents could have done to help her navigate her complex situation. Here are her answers. We can all benefit from her insights and understand that many factors are in play—and that parents have a profound and sometimes (potentially unwittingly) negative impact on their children, at least from their children’s perspective. In the world of gender, there is plenty of shame and blame to pass around.

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Question: What would you have wanted your parents to say to you?

Since much of my trauma comes from parental verbal abuse, there are many things I wish my parents would NOT have said to me, such as the thousands of abusive remarks which lowered my self-worth and made me feel unacceptable and ashamed as a child, teen, and young adult.

What I wish they would have said instead of all that was that I was a great kid/teen/person with a lot of positive qualities and worthy of love and potential and achievements—despite having intense emotions and autism.

Since I feel like verbal degradation from my parents played such a role in my identify formation, it’s hard for me to know what would have been worthwhile for them to say, to counteract the damage done to my self-worth. Often these complex mental health issues resulting in a trans identity require relational repairs over the long-term.

There is no quick fix or phrases that would stop a traumatized young person from forming a trans identity. I feel like, at the time it would have been helpful to hear that my mental health and social issues were a family problem that we would all work to solve together. Instead I felt that I was blamed for being mentally ill and broken. It would have been helpful to hear we could work through this over time—together—and tackle the deeper issues underpinning the gender dysphoria (like depression, anxiety, and relationship problems).

What would have stopped you?

What would have stopped me would have been a trusted mental health professional, like a therapist, patiently and over time helping me work through my issues before signing off on any medical treatment. It might not have fully stopped my impulsive 20-year-old brain, but it would have slowed me down and helped me see deeper issues and how autism, family dynamics, depression, etc., were a cause of gender issues for me. Having safeguarding measures in place by professionals would have slowed me down while I treated my mental health issues. Having a safe person to love and care for me as a woman likely would have stopped me from feeling transition was necessary to being loved or wanted.

What did you need to hear from your parents or anyone?

I needed to hear that I was lovable, worthy, good enough, and that I could be successful as the woman I was—despite being autistic or weird or needy, etc. I needed to hear that my gender dysphoria was caused by other issues and that it was a symptom of other things, and it could be treated by means other than transition.

Any other advice?

Help your kids grow into themselves by helping them to follow their strengths, while building resiliency against their weaknesses. If are insecure, examine why, and tackle those root issues, rather than the gender issues. The gender issues are only a symptom of other conditions or social factors. If you have contributed to your child’s issues, hold yourself accountable for that, and work on yourself and the family dynamics before placing all the blame for the family dynamics and problems on the child. Remember that, even if they transition or ID as trans, they are still the same kid underneath—and you should treat them as such. Be there for them no matter what, especially if they do transition, because they will need a safe person to guide them in time. As they grow older and more mature, they will likely realize who they are, and will need a secure person that is there to love them and listen to them, not shame them if they decide to detransition.

For more from this author, check out her substack.