We were fortunate to hear from a detransitioned woman, who agreed to answer our questions about what her parents could have done to help her navigate her complex situation. Here are her answers. We can all benefit from her insights and understand that many factors are in play—and that parents have a profound and sometimes (potentially unwittingly) negative impact on their children, at least from their children’s perspective. In the world of gender, there is plenty of shame and blame to pass around.
Hello everyone, thank you for the supportive comments. While we didn't get into all in this short post, I have many other materials on my Substack funkypsyche and Youtube Channel Funk God going into more detail, if you are interested. I also offer consultation with parents who would like to discuss their family situation and gain perspective and resources from someone who has gone through much of this and come out the other side to heal as an adult. You can find more information here: https://www.funkgod.com/mentoring
"What would have stopped me would have been a trusted mental health professional, like a therapist, patiently and over time helping me work through my issues before signing off on any medical treatment."
Are de-trans people organising to petition for this as vociferously as trans people petitioned to make this illegal? So many therapists' registration and careers rely on practising what trans activist groups advocated for - affirmation only. What some therapists do otherwise is at their own risk of considerable backlash, harassment, defamation and loss of career. Trans advocacy groups that are presumed to know best how mental health services should perform are quite responsible for the lack of services.
How could your parents have stopped you? Fair to ask, but examine your participation in a movement that now makes it illegal for parents to intercede. That for many parents who can't find therapists who won't affirm, who can't risk objecting too loudly lest they lose custody, who can't afford to be seen as unsupportive because the consequences are too dire...
It's hard to tell parents to consider their accountability when now, as a result of trans advocacy, most parents have their hands tied. Parents are blamed for kids wanting to transition and for failing them when they do. As if, as things stand now, the fight for their children is fair.
As de-trans numbers grow, if the potential for a protected victim narrative is cosseted, the issues that drove people to transition seeking victim status will just switch hats. How can this be done well?
This article does raise some good points, and it may be true that this family isn't cohesive or supportive. But I suspect the buck will be passed to family, society, drs etc when the new "most marginalised" opening really takes form. Trans people rewrite their own history to justify transition and without critical consideration of that, will do the same to write their way out.
I don't object to the influences of harm being examined. I object to the blame being put on groups, women, academics, Drs, therapists and more - who were forced into silence.
"Where were you for me when I was aligned with those who destroyed you?"
As this article and author highlight, there are often co-morbid mental health issues to consider, these issues are not resolved before, as a result of - and therefore not immediately after transition either. Reflections on this experience should come after that work has been done.
I have full and entire empathy for de-transitioning people, but not for the narrative of being victim to people or groups that trans activism has effectively disempowered.
This piece as one person's experience is fine, but as it's not an isolated example of this retrospective blame apportioning. I am worried it WILL become the new way to discuss this experience. I am thinking of how many hurt and upset parents already feel they failed their children reading this. They have no means to fight openly anymore lest their lose their child entirely, and now they should also reflect on their failure? Wait till their kid figures out what they knew, that they aren't trans - and get blamed anew when they come back?
I've read the de-trans subs on reddit, I've seen the hate for "terfs" and "GC" women. And to a degree, I know why. The trans community provides a strong sense of belonging and its a hard thing to give up. Easier to say "I believe but it just wasn't for me" than say that there is a wider problem. Or that, many people contributed to the erasure and removal of the very services they felt could have provided them an alternative. Being trans in our society allows a great deal of rewriting of reality. I think as people de-transition, the habit of reshaping a personal experience in the context of a wider truth may require practice.
I really appreciate your thoughtful answers. I am so sorry that you have gone through this ordeal and am so blessed that you have made it to the other side. I pray that someday, I may read such a hopeful and helpful essay from my three adult trans grandchildren. I wish you the very best as you continue to live your life in truthfulness. This fantasy cult captured one of my grandsons while he was a teenager, while his grandfather was dying, so I feel I was no help for him during this time. He also, was diagnosed with autism, and dealt with his parents splitting up, being taken away from his family, and he was abused verbally, physically and in all possibility, sexually while he was separated from us. When he returned as a teen, he spent hours online, shuttled back and forth between households, did badly in school and had one friend. This friend, I later realized was trans. His mother was totally supportive of his "transition" getting him in for "affirmative care". The counselor that he went to, was the same one who "helped" his older half-siblings during their eventual "transitions". Three young people out of five young people in their family, dealing with mental health issues, the trauma of being verbally, physically and sexually abused, and experiencing abandonment to one degree or another. Your story, and theirs break my heart.
But:
Dearest Detransitioner,
Thank you for helping us to understand better and to see more clearly what you have gone through, and to see the pain you have endured. Your words will help us to be more aware, and to be more encouraging, while owning up to our own mistakes and flaws. On your own, you have walked out of the fantasy world. I will be thinking of you, and praying for you.
Thank you for sharing. I do think families are complicated at times, especially when dealing with anxiety and self-esteem issues with our kids. Creating an environment where kids feel like they can talk openly with their parents as they get into the teenage years is particularly challenging. I have to hope that a good family therapist may be able to help a family when the communication and trust gets derailed for whatever reason.
Our kid is quirky, weird and has a lot of positive traits too. We do say things that hurt him, but not affirming his gender is hurtful to him. For the most part we are loving and supportive. He has a therapist. I'm not sure that is a good thing because the therapist plays along with the Gender identity. It's like we are paying someone to tell him that he is a girl.
You might consider stopping with that therapist and get a good family therapist. A good family therapist can help each individual hear each other's perspectives. I wish I had done that with my family sooner. Maybe it will be in time to save one of my children from medicalizing.
Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. Your words "gender issues are only a symptom of other conditions or social factors" is a very truthful statement. Please know that I support you and I am proud of you. It took a strong woman to write what you did, and I appreciate and admire you. Best of luck!
Thank you for saying all of this so clearly! This is *exactly* what I tell parents of the kids I’m working with. Especially the part about it being a family issue that has to be worked through in the family as a family. If I turn down a request to treat a kid, more often than not it’s because I get a sense that the parent wants me to “fix” the kid.
Dog L, you certainly have a point but I think you are being unnecessarily harsh. Yes, some people may have a lower threshold of what they consider abuse than others. Perhaps difference in emotional pain threshold is like difference in physical pain threshold? Some people have it higher than others? Telling people to just toughen up will probably not help, even if it is a fair point to some extent. She is trying to help others, help us parents who are dealing with this nightmare. If someone who went through this gives me a useful advice, I will gratefully stop saying or doing whatever can help my daughter to stop identifying as a boy (even if what I say or do doesn't seem that bad to me). Plus, we don't know the specifics of her family. There IS such a thing as verbal and emotional abuse.
Hello everyone, thank you for the supportive comments. While we didn't get into all in this short post, I have many other materials on my Substack funkypsyche and Youtube Channel Funk God going into more detail, if you are interested. I also offer consultation with parents who would like to discuss their family situation and gain perspective and resources from someone who has gone through much of this and come out the other side to heal as an adult. You can find more information here: https://www.funkgod.com/mentoring
Thanks for this: insightful and helpful!
"What would have stopped me would have been a trusted mental health professional, like a therapist, patiently and over time helping me work through my issues before signing off on any medical treatment."
Are de-trans people organising to petition for this as vociferously as trans people petitioned to make this illegal? So many therapists' registration and careers rely on practising what trans activist groups advocated for - affirmation only. What some therapists do otherwise is at their own risk of considerable backlash, harassment, defamation and loss of career. Trans advocacy groups that are presumed to know best how mental health services should perform are quite responsible for the lack of services.
How could your parents have stopped you? Fair to ask, but examine your participation in a movement that now makes it illegal for parents to intercede. That for many parents who can't find therapists who won't affirm, who can't risk objecting too loudly lest they lose custody, who can't afford to be seen as unsupportive because the consequences are too dire...
It's hard to tell parents to consider their accountability when now, as a result of trans advocacy, most parents have their hands tied. Parents are blamed for kids wanting to transition and for failing them when they do. As if, as things stand now, the fight for their children is fair.
As de-trans numbers grow, if the potential for a protected victim narrative is cosseted, the issues that drove people to transition seeking victim status will just switch hats. How can this be done well?
This article does raise some good points, and it may be true that this family isn't cohesive or supportive. But I suspect the buck will be passed to family, society, drs etc when the new "most marginalised" opening really takes form. Trans people rewrite their own history to justify transition and without critical consideration of that, will do the same to write their way out.
I don't object to the influences of harm being examined. I object to the blame being put on groups, women, academics, Drs, therapists and more - who were forced into silence.
"Where were you for me when I was aligned with those who destroyed you?"
As this article and author highlight, there are often co-morbid mental health issues to consider, these issues are not resolved before, as a result of - and therefore not immediately after transition either. Reflections on this experience should come after that work has been done.
I have full and entire empathy for de-transitioning people, but not for the narrative of being victim to people or groups that trans activism has effectively disempowered.
This piece as one person's experience is fine, but as it's not an isolated example of this retrospective blame apportioning. I am worried it WILL become the new way to discuss this experience. I am thinking of how many hurt and upset parents already feel they failed their children reading this. They have no means to fight openly anymore lest their lose their child entirely, and now they should also reflect on their failure? Wait till their kid figures out what they knew, that they aren't trans - and get blamed anew when they come back?
I've read the de-trans subs on reddit, I've seen the hate for "terfs" and "GC" women. And to a degree, I know why. The trans community provides a strong sense of belonging and its a hard thing to give up. Easier to say "I believe but it just wasn't for me" than say that there is a wider problem. Or that, many people contributed to the erasure and removal of the very services they felt could have provided them an alternative. Being trans in our society allows a great deal of rewriting of reality. I think as people de-transition, the habit of reshaping a personal experience in the context of a wider truth may require practice.
We do need to do better with this issue.
Good points.
Dearest Detransitioner,
I really appreciate your thoughtful answers. I am so sorry that you have gone through this ordeal and am so blessed that you have made it to the other side. I pray that someday, I may read such a hopeful and helpful essay from my three adult trans grandchildren. I wish you the very best as you continue to live your life in truthfulness. This fantasy cult captured one of my grandsons while he was a teenager, while his grandfather was dying, so I feel I was no help for him during this time. He also, was diagnosed with autism, and dealt with his parents splitting up, being taken away from his family, and he was abused verbally, physically and in all possibility, sexually while he was separated from us. When he returned as a teen, he spent hours online, shuttled back and forth between households, did badly in school and had one friend. This friend, I later realized was trans. His mother was totally supportive of his "transition" getting him in for "affirmative care". The counselor that he went to, was the same one who "helped" his older half-siblings during their eventual "transitions". Three young people out of five young people in their family, dealing with mental health issues, the trauma of being verbally, physically and sexually abused, and experiencing abandonment to one degree or another. Your story, and theirs break my heart.
But:
Dearest Detransitioner,
Thank you for helping us to understand better and to see more clearly what you have gone through, and to see the pain you have endured. Your words will help us to be more aware, and to be more encouraging, while owning up to our own mistakes and flaws. On your own, you have walked out of the fantasy world. I will be thinking of you, and praying for you.
Thank you for sharing. I do think families are complicated at times, especially when dealing with anxiety and self-esteem issues with our kids. Creating an environment where kids feel like they can talk openly with their parents as they get into the teenage years is particularly challenging. I have to hope that a good family therapist may be able to help a family when the communication and trust gets derailed for whatever reason.
Thank you! I appreciate your essay. You are a big help in this conversation.
Our kid is quirky, weird and has a lot of positive traits too. We do say things that hurt him, but not affirming his gender is hurtful to him. For the most part we are loving and supportive. He has a therapist. I'm not sure that is a good thing because the therapist plays along with the Gender identity. It's like we are paying someone to tell him that he is a girl.
https://genderexploratory.com is how i found my daughter's therapist. none of the therapists listed here are gender affirming. best of luck!
You might consider stopping with that therapist and get a good family therapist. A good family therapist can help each individual hear each other's perspectives. I wish I had done that with my family sooner. Maybe it will be in time to save one of my children from medicalizing.
would it be possible to stop going to that therapist?
Thank you and sending you warm thoughts for continued healing and a life with joy
Super helpful
Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. Your words "gender issues are only a symptom of other conditions or social factors" is a very truthful statement. Please know that I support you and I am proud of you. It took a strong woman to write what you did, and I appreciate and admire you. Best of luck!
Thank you for saying all of this so clearly! This is *exactly* what I tell parents of the kids I’m working with. Especially the part about it being a family issue that has to be worked through in the family as a family. If I turn down a request to treat a kid, more often than not it’s because I get a sense that the parent wants me to “fix” the kid.
Thank you for your input, invaluable!
She explained how she was verbally abused. Read the article again.
She explained how she was verbally abused. Read the article again.
Dog L, you certainly have a point but I think you are being unnecessarily harsh. Yes, some people may have a lower threshold of what they consider abuse than others. Perhaps difference in emotional pain threshold is like difference in physical pain threshold? Some people have it higher than others? Telling people to just toughen up will probably not help, even if it is a fair point to some extent. She is trying to help others, help us parents who are dealing with this nightmare. If someone who went through this gives me a useful advice, I will gratefully stop saying or doing whatever can help my daughter to stop identifying as a boy (even if what I say or do doesn't seem that bad to me). Plus, we don't know the specifics of her family. There IS such a thing as verbal and emotional abuse.