Estrangement

I wrote about the sudden departure of my daughter before. She left home in the middle of the night without warning. Some unknown person or persons picked her up and drove her to a city about eight hours away. At first, we did not know where but, with some detective work on our part and help from our local police, we were able to locate an address and contact her. She responded through the police that she didn’t want any contact with us. We were told she could get a restraining order if we reached out again. They didn’t tell us not to do that. They said it was up to us but that they advised us that in these types of cases, the children are coached to say what she said, “I’m doing fine. I am safe. I have a place to stay. I have food to eat. I want you to leave me alone.” They advised us that this pattern language meant she was being coached and that next she would be instructed to ask for a restraining order - which would almost certainly have been granted.

We did consider driving to the new address and pleading with her in person to come home. In the end though we decided that was not likely to have any positive impact and would probably result in a restraining order. So, we didn’t try to see her.

That decision was based in part on the note she left on her bed the night she departed. It said she was leaving and would not be coming back. There was a lot of anger and hate in her words, not entirely about her new gender identity but mostly. The level of animosity conveyed made us think that going to see her in person would not just be pointless but probably counterproductive. It would even further solidify her animosity towards us.

Mind you, we never had any warning she was ROGD. She presented as a typical female teenager. She had long hair. She wore only dresses and skirts, never pants. She never asked us to call her “he” or “them” except in the note where she wrote that IF she ever came back, we would have to refer to her as he/them or she would never speak to us again. The note also informed us of her new name, a gender-neutral name that is not typically used as a name but rather as an adjective. These were the first indications to us of her non-biological identification. That we were aware of.

In retrospect, there were signs that we missed. Like the flag on her wall that looked like a gay pride flag but was not quite the same. She wore strange rings, particularly one we found out later was a symbol for asexual status. She never dated, boys or girls. She was learning disabled and a bit socially awkward.  

Her mother and I have always been very supportive of LGB people and causes. So, the flag we ignored. Didn’t ask any question. Stupid of us, I know but we both totally supported LGB causes, so why ask about a slightly odd gay pride flag.

I recall thinking, many years ago, that adding the “T” to LGB seemed odd but if the LGB people wanted to add the “T” who was I to object. I support LGB persons and respect them and want them to have all the human rights that we all deserve. No discrimination. No oppression. So, if they, the experts on their movement, wanted to add the “T” their opinion was all that mattered to me.

Plus, the “T” was just a fraction of 1% of the population. Why worry about that, right?

What happened reminded me of the poem by Pastor Martin Niemoller titled:

FIRST THEY CAME  

First they came for the Communists And I did not speak out Because I was not a Communist

Then they came for the Socialists And I did not speak out Because I was not a Socialist

Then they came for the trade unionists And I did not speak out Because I was not a trade unionist

Then they came for the Jews And I did not speak out Because I was not a Jew

Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.

I never thought to look into what the “T” was all about, much less take any action, because it wasn’t going to affect me. Or so I thought. Then THEY CAME FOR MY CHILDREN.

The reason I am writing today is that the note my child left clearly communicated that she assumed that I would not support the notion that she was not female. “True that,” as she would say. I would never agree that she was, or anyone was, born in the wrong body.

However, I also could tell she thought that meant that I would reject her for claiming to not be a female. That is entirely incorrect. My other daughter is also both learning disabled and a victim of the gender cult. She is out and proud as a boy. Dresses as a boy, has a boy’s haircut. She can actually pass as an effeminate looking boy. The general public typically responds to her as a biological boy.

I didn’t disown her. We had some very difficult and heated conversations about this but eventually just agreed to disagree. I'm still paying for college. I truly love having her home for the summer. We spend hours upon hours together talking and watching movies. I’m even helping her learn to play ice hockey. I give her advice on her clothing choices, which are all male. While not agreeing that she will ever be a boy, I’m also not insisting that she agree with me or dress how I want her to. I don’t feel compelled to refer to her as “he” or use her new name. She doesn’t insist on it. It’s just something we agree to disagree about and then the rest of our relationship goes on as before.

We almost never discuss transitioning anymore. It is a non-issue. Unless someone in the general public is abusive to her about it. Then I defend her and advise her how to defend herself. As much as I know in my heart, she will always be a female, I still want her to thrive and have as happy a life as possible with this crazy notion that she can become a boy. Maybe someday she will outgrow this dangerous notation. She is still young with room for growth and change for sure. As far as I know, she hasn’t taken any drugs or had any surgery. She says she will eventually. If she does, it won’t change my love for her or my support for her. I will always be there for her in the ways a father should be.

Of course, I would do the same for my younger daughter. Feed her. Cloth her. Make sure she got a college education. Everything. For some reason she thinks that because I still know she is and always will be a biological female, that I won't accept that she doesn't want to be one. That everything I want to give her as a father will be held hostage to her acting like a female. Nothing could be further from the truth.

She acts as if what the cult members tell her is true - that I'm the enemy and she has to cut me out or she is not one of them.

I would never stop giving her what a father should. Not because of some gender confusion thing. But because I love her. How could she not know that?

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