Every day I read, I listen, I think Every day I read Bernard Lane Jamie Reed Mia Hughes Eyes Open PITT (and hundreds more) Every day I listen Helen Joyce Stella O'Malley Colin Wright Eliza Mondegreen Jennifer Sey (and hundreds more) Every day I celebrate Cass, Skrmetti, HHS, COHERE The WPATH Files, Sturm, UPenn (and hundreds more) While every day I long For my son Who Despite my reading Despite my listening Despite my celebrating Despite me Is not one step closer to me Not one step out of the cult. And I am not one step closer To working out how To say a word, a sentence To having him back. Not one step closer. Every day.
As a parent whose child was sucked into this cult at 16 and has now been non contact for three years, I completely understand how you feel. I too have spent so much time reading, trying to find out as much as I can about this pernicious ideology. But you know, maybe we lose too much of ourselves to this. Before this I was creative, I wrote, I enjoyed life in a way I no longer do. So that's something else lost to the cult. I truly love my child. He and I were together for fourteen years after his father died. I still can't believe that he cares so little for me that he can cut himself off completely. But I'm trying to accept and read less, let him go and move on.
It has been 10 years that my son has been captured by the cult. I’ve stopped reading so much about it. It’s time to accept that in my family’s case, he’s lost to the cult forever. Time for the rest of my life to not be dominated by thoughts of what i could have done differently, or what might reach him. It’s like a death really, and I don’t want to be reminded of it anymore. I still subscribe to PITT, but think maybe I need to avoid all things trans related. I want a different life now.
This is so true. Even though I do all those things, I am also trying to limit my readings, listenings, etc because it is only for my knowledge. My stepdaughter doesn't want to read it or hear it. It is only for my knowledge so I can share with the greater community who are blindly allowing and accepting this movement. My places of solitude are during my walks, my other nieces, nephews, gardening, and Jesus. He is the one I am trusting to change my stepdaughters heart. He is the one I go to for comfort. I hope you find something that will bring you peace and comfort as well.
I understand this completely and lived it daily myself. I still have days that I am mired in grief and horror over how my son is damaging himself, how this cult is damaging so many young people and their families. Your writing expresses it so well; I hope it can be a source of some peace to you.
I know the resolution we would like is, as you say, “having him back.” I came to a conclusion a few months ago that I could not always listen and read to the end; when a podcast or an article was stabbing me in the heart so fiercely that I could no longer function for the grief and horror of it, I stopped pursuing it. I have found that I cannot swim in this ocean of information without drowning, but I can dip it out a bucket at a time to look for understanding and pour it back when it threatens to overwhelm me.
I also stopped trying to find the right steps, the right words and sentences to “having him back”. I wrote him a goodbye - an email address is all I have. It may have gone straight into his spam folder or he may have removed it, unopened, to his trash folder. It’s okay - I needed to write it as a step toward recovering me from the grief and horror. I hope that you will get the resolution you want - having him back. If not, I hope you may find a resolution that gives you back to yourself.
I’ll share what I wrote in hopes that it may help you as your writing helps me and so many others here. It doesn’t preclude the possibility of someday “having him back”, but it’s allowing me some resolution that I can hold onto to have myself back and functional.
“I had kept debating whether or not I should continue trying to reach out to you. I didn't want to give up on a family relationship with you; I had always hoped we would be close as you got older. I had hoped we could eventually talk out our differences and find a way to continue being family - even if we disagree. There is no way to go back and correct all the mistakes I think I made or all the mistakes you think I made, but I had hoped we could find a way to appreciate and understand each other. And I'd always hoped to have your love as my child no matter how old you got, just as you have my love as your mother. Yes, I am a fool who said stupid, angry, hurtful things that probably made you think my love for you was no longer there. I'm sorry for letting my temper and my issues get in the way of making sure you knew you were always loved.
So while I want to keep fighting to reach you, it seems like most of the advice I get at this point is to accept your no contact and leave you alone. So hopefully this is my last "falling off the wagon" email. I just didn't want to go silent on you without making sure you knew it was out of respect for you and not out of disapproval.
I'll always be grateful for the gift it was to have you in my life, for the honor of being your mother, for the joy of watching you grow. You were truly one of the brightest sparks in my existence. I hope you'll continue to find people in your life who love you and how you shine.”
Wow, this sums up my despair lately. I have put untold hours into reading, listening, attending, working on projects for almost 9 years. I don't seem in the least closer to getting my son back. I rejoice for those who have saved their kids. But I often feel like I have wasted so much time. Nothing changes with him.
You captured what I have been feeling, perfectly....No words.....nothing I can form and speak (as if she would listen) to bring peace, unity, discussion...I cannot bleed enough, apologize enough, say sorry enough, listen enough, speak the 'right' words in a way to have my child back. The words cut off have been uttered---our health destroyed, bad dreams, depression, and friends and family who think this is just a 'gay' issue--- you dont have to agree just go along.
No.
I cannot do that.
So I read too. And pray. And wait.
I know full well it will take the hand of God to bring my child back, to unite our family.
I worry will it be the same?
Prayers fellow PITT parents.
No one else gets this road we are on but each other and I thank God for this group.
I think it may be helpful for some parents--who haven't been cut off.
If one wants to maintain a connection with their child (most of us do), a different approach may be needed.
Stoic Mom advises to avoid gender critical content. Don't be a warrior mom. Most of us on PITT are fighting back. We are MADD. This will get in the way of trying to find relationship--but again, if we have been cut out of our child's life, we don't have a relationship to lose.
Young adults will do much better being in relationship with their family. They will be less likely to go off the deep end of Queer World.
But once they are adults, you can's stop them from medicalizing, changing names, etc.
Not all parents are up for this approach.
If only we could be honest with our child. As in, I don't believe you are trans. The trans identity is serving a need for you, but I will never think of you as the opposite sex. Can we agree to disagree? You are my child and I love you. Please don't expect me to be dishonest with you--or the world.
This hits so hard! In my head, I have hours of conversations with my trans child, telling her of all the research, all the reasons why she needs to just wake up from this. But in real life, all I manage is a sentence or two, and I’m sure it all comes out wrong. And the nightmare goes on.
As a parent whose child was sucked into this cult at 16 and has now been non contact for three years, I completely understand how you feel. I too have spent so much time reading, trying to find out as much as I can about this pernicious ideology. But you know, maybe we lose too much of ourselves to this. Before this I was creative, I wrote, I enjoyed life in a way I no longer do. So that's something else lost to the cult. I truly love my child. He and I were together for fourteen years after his father died. I still can't believe that he cares so little for me that he can cut himself off completely. But I'm trying to accept and read less, let him go and move on.
It has been 10 years that my son has been captured by the cult. I’ve stopped reading so much about it. It’s time to accept that in my family’s case, he’s lost to the cult forever. Time for the rest of my life to not be dominated by thoughts of what i could have done differently, or what might reach him. It’s like a death really, and I don’t want to be reminded of it anymore. I still subscribe to PITT, but think maybe I need to avoid all things trans related. I want a different life now.
This is so true. Even though I do all those things, I am also trying to limit my readings, listenings, etc because it is only for my knowledge. My stepdaughter doesn't want to read it or hear it. It is only for my knowledge so I can share with the greater community who are blindly allowing and accepting this movement. My places of solitude are during my walks, my other nieces, nephews, gardening, and Jesus. He is the one I am trusting to change my stepdaughters heart. He is the one I go to for comfort. I hope you find something that will bring you peace and comfort as well.
When I “like” all the comments on PITT, really I want to say “we are not alone”. Thanks to everybody sharing.
Usually I hate all poetry, but this one is good.
I’m the same. I feel so alone and sad and worried all the time. I try to find happy moments but feel he is lost to me forever.
Oh. How heartbreakingly beautiful. I’m living the same. It’s unbearable. Stay strong.
We're all doing the same things, reading the same people, hoping for the same change in our child. We can't lose that hope.
Oh my!! You've expressed so clearly and succinctly the pain we are all feeling! Thank you for being able to express what I deeply feel inside.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful, deeply moving expression of your grief.
I understand this completely and lived it daily myself. I still have days that I am mired in grief and horror over how my son is damaging himself, how this cult is damaging so many young people and their families. Your writing expresses it so well; I hope it can be a source of some peace to you.
I know the resolution we would like is, as you say, “having him back.” I came to a conclusion a few months ago that I could not always listen and read to the end; when a podcast or an article was stabbing me in the heart so fiercely that I could no longer function for the grief and horror of it, I stopped pursuing it. I have found that I cannot swim in this ocean of information without drowning, but I can dip it out a bucket at a time to look for understanding and pour it back when it threatens to overwhelm me.
I also stopped trying to find the right steps, the right words and sentences to “having him back”. I wrote him a goodbye - an email address is all I have. It may have gone straight into his spam folder or he may have removed it, unopened, to his trash folder. It’s okay - I needed to write it as a step toward recovering me from the grief and horror. I hope that you will get the resolution you want - having him back. If not, I hope you may find a resolution that gives you back to yourself.
I’ll share what I wrote in hopes that it may help you as your writing helps me and so many others here. It doesn’t preclude the possibility of someday “having him back”, but it’s allowing me some resolution that I can hold onto to have myself back and functional.
“I had kept debating whether or not I should continue trying to reach out to you. I didn't want to give up on a family relationship with you; I had always hoped we would be close as you got older. I had hoped we could eventually talk out our differences and find a way to continue being family - even if we disagree. There is no way to go back and correct all the mistakes I think I made or all the mistakes you think I made, but I had hoped we could find a way to appreciate and understand each other. And I'd always hoped to have your love as my child no matter how old you got, just as you have my love as your mother. Yes, I am a fool who said stupid, angry, hurtful things that probably made you think my love for you was no longer there. I'm sorry for letting my temper and my issues get in the way of making sure you knew you were always loved.
So while I want to keep fighting to reach you, it seems like most of the advice I get at this point is to accept your no contact and leave you alone. So hopefully this is my last "falling off the wagon" email. I just didn't want to go silent on you without making sure you knew it was out of respect for you and not out of disapproval.
I'll always be grateful for the gift it was to have you in my life, for the honor of being your mother, for the joy of watching you grow. You were truly one of the brightest sparks in my existence. I hope you'll continue to find people in your life who love you and how you shine.”
Thank you
Beautiful letter- may I copy it?
Absolutely - I hope it helps.
Wow, this sums up my despair lately. I have put untold hours into reading, listening, attending, working on projects for almost 9 years. I don't seem in the least closer to getting my son back. I rejoice for those who have saved their kids. But I often feel like I have wasted so much time. Nothing changes with him.
Desolation
Haunting
Seeking
Longing
Overwhelming
You are not alone. I feel your pain, your loss.
Empathy
Understanding
Hugs
Prayers
Hopeful
You captured what I have been feeling, perfectly....No words.....nothing I can form and speak (as if she would listen) to bring peace, unity, discussion...I cannot bleed enough, apologize enough, say sorry enough, listen enough, speak the 'right' words in a way to have my child back. The words cut off have been uttered---our health destroyed, bad dreams, depression, and friends and family who think this is just a 'gay' issue--- you dont have to agree just go along.
No.
I cannot do that.
So I read too. And pray. And wait.
I know full well it will take the hand of God to bring my child back, to unite our family.
I worry will it be the same?
Prayers fellow PITT parents.
No one else gets this road we are on but each other and I thank God for this group.
I’m so very sorry and feel your pain.
I found this conversation helpful recently.
https://theparentingparadox.substack.com/p/ep-11-reality-is-healing?utm_source=podcast-email%2Csubstack&publication_id=3867419&post_id=170542530&utm_campaign=email-play-on-substack&utm_medium=email&utm_content=play_card_play_button&r=okq7h&triedRedirect=true
I have read Stoic Mom.
I think it may be helpful for some parents--who haven't been cut off.
If one wants to maintain a connection with their child (most of us do), a different approach may be needed.
Stoic Mom advises to avoid gender critical content. Don't be a warrior mom. Most of us on PITT are fighting back. We are MADD. This will get in the way of trying to find relationship--but again, if we have been cut out of our child's life, we don't have a relationship to lose.
Young adults will do much better being in relationship with their family. They will be less likely to go off the deep end of Queer World.
But once they are adults, you can's stop them from medicalizing, changing names, etc.
Not all parents are up for this approach.
If only we could be honest with our child. As in, I don't believe you are trans. The trans identity is serving a need for you, but I will never think of you as the opposite sex. Can we agree to disagree? You are my child and I love you. Please don't expect me to be dishonest with you--or the world.
This hits so hard! In my head, I have hours of conversations with my trans child, telling her of all the research, all the reasons why she needs to just wake up from this. But in real life, all I manage is a sentence or two, and I’m sure it all comes out wrong. And the nightmare goes on.