Fear of hearing a fake name
My daughter’s first name carries the same initial as both our maternal grandmothers. Her middle name is her paternal great-grandmother’s first name.
When we chose her name, we thought lovingly and carefully with an ache to meet our daughter. When her name rolled off our tongues for the first time we cried because it was so beautiful.
The story of my daughter (she is ours but I do get a small sense of taking some power back when I say “my daughter”) has been written on these pages countless times. So often have I read the same story that I have wondered if I actually submitted it to PITT editors. It’s been a while since I have written one as I have gotten used to this bizarro reality. I gratefully have support from a team of moms who are also in this stupid boat. I am soul saved by friends and family who have known my girlie daughter for her entire life; a husband who is also gutted by this; and finally (finally!!) a perfect mix of prescribed antidepressants and wine (neither are covered by insurance).
I found out about her name change four years ago, almost to the day, when we were filling out college forms next to each other on the couch. She is graduating college in a few weeks and we are not inviting anyone. My fear of hearing a fake name called when she walks up to receive her diploma overshadows my pride and joy for this event. Another milestone wretched.
My sadness at hearing all her friends referring to her as “him” and with a different name prevents me from wanting to celebrate with other parents. Another gathering I don’t want to attend.
I am doing better. Now I am able to just look at her eyes when she is home and feel sorry for her and not physically sick. And I now use my hand to cover up her facial hair when we’re on FaceTime. My husband and I have both worked so hard to keep her close even when it was easier to give in. We don’t use any name at all except nicknames from when she was little. It’s been so brutal and I can honestly attest to the darkest nights of my soul - that dragged on for too long as I hoped to be taken out of it all. Her dad, who I thought would suffer a heart attack, is holding on to more hope than I do that this will be over soon for us.
We do not know if her college diploma will have the name we lovingly and thoughtfully gave her. I am afraid if I make a fuss at the school, I will ruin her college graduation when they announce the beautiful name. Either way it hurts.
I never thought in a million years my daughter would loathe her unique name that we spent so much time picking out. High school graduation was hard with her. She received the name print outs for her ceremony and they somehow never made it home to add into the invitations.
So I had to make my own. I never thought so much stress and anxiety would revolve around round a name.
When I hear the term deadname it’s a shot to my heart for myself and anyone out there who understands what this is doing to parents.
I understand how you are feeling.
For a while I thought I could somehow come to terms with my sons " new name". But over time I realized that it's just another chipping away and I can't go there anymore. He doesn't speak to us so when I talk to his siblings I use the name God gave him. We didn't even choose his name because it was something that happened miraculously while I was on a retreat. I feel like this is something I have to give to God. His name is not dead because it lives in the heart of his Savior and Father. I pray that somehow he will be touched and the work in his heart will be done to bring him back to the truth. All I have is prayer. And as I was praying this morning and I read what Jesus said about how He has overcome the world, I realize it's more than enough.