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Rocco Jarman's avatar

Hi Vivian

I deeply resonate with your grief albeit for a different set of circumstances, but I also 'lost' my daughter in a way, to a different kind of transformation she endured, because her mother and I separated and divorced. Her mother was very bitter and punitive, and my daughter, who had the noblest, most generous soul, who was so very close to me, was steadily poisoned with a spirit of victimhood and blame right in the heart of her most vulnerable years as she was moving from young teen to young woman, a very formative time, and I had very little recourse to fight the enormous tide of animus and vitriol that was poured into her and directed at me.

I processed a lot of my grief, but a love for a child means that the grief stays with us. What broke my heart again and again, was not just her learned defiance, but that her light had been diminished by the learned unkindness and that I had no way of providing love and support.

LOST CHILD

I wanted to say

how my light had gone out.

I wanted to speak

of the dust I had collected on the hard road.

I wanted to recall

the flower I had brought to bloom,

cradled in broken hands,

and the blows I had shielded it from,

with my own back,

I wanted to recount

the small but fierce fire of courage

I had kindled in myself with the last gathered sticks of my own nobility.

but all I could do

was listen to the axe blows

of misplaced defiance

and the sound my heart made as it broke,

and the woeful voice of life

resound its terrible lament

as its fading echoes

closed around me,

and went silent.

__

I hope this touches you in some way.

As for your own child, I am sorry for the sense of enduring loss and pain you must feel, given the rawness and depth of the connection you must feel to someone who appears to no longer be there. My business is philosophy and pyschology and very specifically I am a strident voice of sanity against the madness of emerging poltically motivated ideologies, but also I am highly neurodivergent and for my sins, I am capable of stepping through insights that ellude us, just below the surface of our grief, which allows us to be transfigured by our griefs to more expansive paradigms of perspective, and deeper places of understanding, acceptance, appreciation and generosity. I would love to speak with you if you feel so called.

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MartaMV's avatar

Beautiful song. I’m sobbing. Miss my baby too. I hope our daughters returns. Can you share the song separately so I can put it on my Instagram story? Thank you.

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Kristi's avatar

beautiful and haunting... thank you

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Kristi's avatar

beautiful and haunting... thank you

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Notorious P.A.T.'s avatar

Honestly, that is good work. I sure hope your daughter comes back to you.

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Hopeful_mom's avatar

I love your song❣️ Thank you for sharing!

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Islamae's avatar

I've stopped reading these posts with my morning emails because I'm trying not to start my days in tears. But this tragic beauty was worth it. My son. Thank you! ♡♡♡

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Grandma Eileen's avatar

Beautiful song…tugged hard on my heart strings. So very sad. I honestly cannot imagine seeing my daughter with a beard, deep voice and flat hairy chest. It must be so shocking and unsettling for you. Beyond heartbreaking. Your love is strong and unwavering and I wish you peace.

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Charles Clemens's avatar

It is impossible for a parent to stop a child from becoming insane. It's not your fault and it is now operated and programmed by forces beyond your control.

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Person's avatar

I do not like this comment, although it may be true. It is too hard for us to protect our children from this cult.

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Grahame Park Girl's avatar

I sobbed the whole way through 😭💔 I’m mum to an ROGD teen daughter and I’m against the clock trying to help her see sense before she ages out of my care and my ability to say “no” to irreversible harm. I’m so sorry for what you, and so many others here in the comments, are going through. This damage this cult causes is so far reaching. Sending you all love and solidarity ❤️

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Person's avatar

Thank you for sharing this heartfelt song. I needed to weep. Even though we are prepared to go “to the depths of Hell” our children stay out of reach except in our memories. My beautiful daughter ruined her life. In her eyes I remember those glimpses of her spirit, even while her body was a shell. She faded away. I sing with you, a grief shared. Your voice is lovely.

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Sharon Lee COWAN's avatar

Very beautiful. It is, in fact, very much like a loss, a death. Something to be mourned.

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Gay J's avatar

Lovely and so sad. Sometimes I wonder if it is worse to lose a girl or a boy to this insanity. As a mother and a woman it must hurt terribly to see your daughter's beauty and femininity destroyed. But women pass better I think. Most male to female that I have seen look like pantomime queens unless they are fortunate enough to have the money to have good surgery. This sounds so cruel but I often imagine my good looking son with his huge feet and hands and all I can do is laugh. Of course, I'm laughing on the outside; inside I'm weeping. Remember the darling little babies they were? Now each time I see a baby I wonder what is ahead for them and their unsuspecting parent who probably at this time wants to be 'kind' to the trans people she sees around, if even sees them. I want to be kind too, but not at the expense of my own child.

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MartaMV's avatar

It’s worse to loose a girl because you also loose a girl friend, who is loosing, like you said, her softness, femininity and sensitivity.

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Gay J's avatar

I think it's equally bad whether it's a son or a daughter. Just imagine how it feels to see your son dressing in girls' clothes and trying to pass as female and growing breasts from the hormones. Either way it's heart breaking.

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Islamae's avatar

The only good for our family in my daughters losing their adored and beloved big brother, is that they and their spouses now stay vigilant and will prevent this curse from capturing any others. Prayers for you and your son ♡♡

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BrownWoolHat's avatar

I find it difficult to care about babies or young children right now. I just think of the sorrow, pain, agony this has brought. Especially because it was so unexpected, it came from no where, from my wonderful loving and close son. I wonder how those children will turn on their mom, and their dad who give them so much love, affection, and time. I don't think I'll always feel this way. But it's hard to not feel cynical at this time in my life towards children. This scourge messes with you in so many unexpected ways.

This song was beautiful and sad. I'm sorry for you, and pray your daughter will return one day. Take care of yourself dear.

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Mom In Waiting's avatar

Thank you for this. I have been feeling so angry and hard. I know it’s a shell to protect me from the torrent of pain that would let loose if I allow myself to feel my real feelings. This song moves me closer to what my heart really wants to say. I don’t know if I’m ready for that, but when I am, I’ll listen to this on a loop. 😭 💜 Praying for all of us parents and our lost children.

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Realitycheck's avatar

Your beautiful song has a haunting, ethereal tone. You have me in tears, dear Mom. These words resonate deeply with me. Will you please post the lyrics? xo

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PITT's avatar

I have added the words to the post.

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