Getting Through the Bad Days

Today is another of those bad days.

It's been four years since it all began. My daughter has a beard, a deep voice, a sunken, scarred chest and a body covered in hair. And that is just the part I can see. I have nightmares imagining the state of her internal organs.

We have an on-off relationship. If I slip up and say something unacceptable to her, she stops talking to me for months. I have to compromise all the time to keep our connection.

I am tired. So, so tired. I wish I could have a break from all of it, but this is my life. There is no way out.

My YouTube home page is filled with videos of detransitioners, whistle blowers, medical doctors, therapists etc. I feel overloaded and yet I can't stop listening to them.

My email is full of articles and sub stacks from Genspect, Bernard Lane, Sex matters, LGB Alliance and hundreds of others that I can't stop reading.

I have written many articles and letters to newspapers and magazines, most of which go unpublished, and yet I can't stop writing.

I argue on Facebook and post articles in response to all the pro-trans ideology propaganda even though it feels pointless.

Very few of my family and friends support me. They are either aggressively pro-trans or they are deathly silent.

Some friends try to convince me to accept my new 'son' and to use the pronouns she wants. I see red but I am too tired to argue any more. If another person asks, 'Why can't you just accept it and move on?' I will scream.

My family has been torn apart. My marriage is suffering from the fallout. My husband won't talk about it. He gets angry when I cry. My younger daughter rolls her eyes in frustration when I tell her about the effects of testosterone or about the misogyny and homophobia of trans activism.

Two of my three sisters get angry, tearful and defensive when I show them any articles that challenge the 'gender affirmative care’ model. They loudly and proudly refer to my daughter as 'him'.

My mother is old and frail. She wants a relationship with her granddaughter so she acquiesces and will accept her as a 'him.' She is mainly concerned about her own health and about the children of Gaza.

Other extended family members fall down in worship of my daughter because she is so 'brave' and 'authentic'. It makes me want to vomit.

Even the very few who are supportive are tired and have their own difficulties in life. I can't keep troubling them with my grief.

I have tried numerous therapists and walked out in disgust because they have all been ideologically captured.

I've tried Churches but they either fully endorse 'gender affirming' care and men in women's spaces, or they are aggressively anti-gay.

I've tried focusing on other issues: finding a cause to throw myself into, but I can't escape from the cause that is central to my life. And it's hard to find a group in which I don't first have to announce my pronouns.

I've tried escaping into novels and Netflix, but the art world has been so captured that I have to deal with words like ‘cis’ gendered in every modern novel I read or see movies that change originally gay characters into trans characters.

I've tried writing my own stories, songs, poetry and articles but I have lost the inspiration.

My house is a mess. I am not inspired to fix anything.

I tried gardening but I lost interest.

I love my teaching job but on days like today, I want to quit.

Even when the good news of the UK Supreme Court win for women came through, I wanted to celebrate with someone - but no one around me was interested or even knew about it. It was hardly mentioned in South African media.

So, today has been a bad day. I know we all have them and that I am not alone, but on these kinds of days, that doesn’t even help. It feels impossible to go on. I know there are parents who have been in this for ten or more years. I don't know how they cope! Some have risen above the tragedy and learnt to live positive and beautiful lives. Today, I can't rise above it, and I feel a complete failure.

But tomorrow is another day…

It is a public holiday. I will go for an early morning run. The endorphins will lift my spirit and I will achieve something besides wallowing in my dark hole. Later, I will meet a friend for a coffee in the park and we will enjoy the warmth of the sun and the beautiful red and gold autumn leaves drifting around us. I will phone my older sister who is always there to support me through my tears. I will avoid YouTube and instead, listen to some haunting cello music. And perhaps I will buy a bottle of champagne to celebrate the UK Supreme Court win, even if I do it alone!

Somehow, with tiny fragments of support, beauty and hope, we survive these bad days and life goes on.

Struggling South African mom