Grandma Restricted from Contact with Trans-identifying Grandson

At the end of August last year, my grandson announced his new feminine name and pronouns. His mother, my oldest daughter, immediately notified the school to change his information in their records and took him to shop for girl school clothes. I was shocked when my daughter left me an upbeat message telling me about this change. I called her back to let her know that I needed time to get informed about all this before I could be on board for the change. All three of my daughters were very distressed by my unwillingness to immediately affirm and, from that point on, all contact with my grandchildren was screened by my daughters. They passed on only messages they agreed with. Text messages, phone calls, and emails were banned. I was accused of being dangerous to my grandchildren. I was told that the only way I would be able get back direct contact with them was to agree to use only my grandson’s preferred name and pronouns. My only supporter was my youngest son who said he would not attend any family gatherings where my grandson was present if it was conditional on affirmation. I couldn’t believe what was happening!

Since then, I have been permitted to buy gifts and have them delivered to the desired address, but I have not been allowed to communicate with seven of my grandchildren since last August.

Lately, I have been contemplating agreeing to use preferred language so that I can regain my relationships with them. My logic has been that right now I’m blocked from having any real relationship with my grandchildren or influence in their lives. If I can get communication restored, then I can at least be there to support them when/if there’s a shift in their thinking. I want to be someone in their lives who they can take their thoughts and feelings to, who will listen and love them even if they change their minds.

However, I just finished reading “Lost in Trans Nation - A Child Psychologist’s Guide Out of the Madness” by Miriam Grossman, MD. [Every person who is involved in a relationship with a trans person needs to read this book. It’s packed with important information.] Now, I’m caught in a dilemma. From the book I learned that using preferred language can solidify the identity confusion, yet if I don’t use it, I have no avenue for building relationships with my grandchildren.

The book focuses on the parent/child relationship, so it doesn’t directly address my situation, but the statistics and information clearly apply. I don’t know how to proceed. I still can’t wrap my head around this. How can my very loving, intelligent daughters buy into something so obviously harmful to their own children? How can they even entertain the thought that I would be dangerous to their children? How can life be so solid one moment and suddenly the next moment the unthinkable becomes fact? I feel so helpless and lost. As much as I believe the book to be true and a valuable resource, it has knocked me off my feet again. I was leaning towards announcing to my children that I was going to use preferred words, and I was shakily confident that I was on the right track. Now?????

I don’t know if this is helpful to anyone, but I needed to put words to my confusion, so thank you for letting me do that.