What is dangerous about changing your pronouns and your clothes, other than the hatred a person faces for doing so? I reccomend asking your daughter for resources from HER perspective. You've read one book that agrees with your perspective, so why not understand where she's coming from as well?
I just can not stop thinking about you. It is such a tough situation that you are in. Kids really need their grandmother's, grandparents. Especially because parents don't have all the he right answers. Kids need to have that love and that experience. But you are being shut out and there isn't anything that you can do. You don't even know if your gifts are getting past your daughter. I shut my Mom out. Not over the trans issue but because I didn't understand autism. I tried to discipline my kid and my Mom would undermine me. If I sent my kid to her room, she'd climb out the window and my Mom would be outside waiting for her in a car. I'm not saying my Mom was right. I really needed her to help me, but she had a different relationship with my daughter and was not going to argue with me over it In the long run, I am glad that my daughter had my Mom and that my Mom went behind my back. And I'm not saying there was no damage from my Mom's actions but there was no stopping my Mom. She sent up every flare she could so my daughter could find her. My Mom only had one grandchild. As I said. Mom's often don't have all the answers and neither do grandmother's but I am really glad that my daughter had her Grandmother. They were each other's favorite person in the world. Neither ever discussed the Trans topic though both knew. Though my Mom is now gone, My daughter will always know that my Mom loved her so much. I don't know but I think the love is the most important thing.I wish you luck. All the luck in the world. At times you may have no choice but to turn it all off for a bit. I know I have to- also no choice. But my mind is still working on it. Again keeping you in my thoughts.
The insanity of this ideology is so disconcerting, normal intelligent people suddenly believe complete nonsense which is incredibly dangerous to all these young impressionable people. I have a daughter who is 20 now and she has grown a beard (on testosterone) and is still convinced after 2.5 years that she will be this way forever! Just like all the punks, goths, mods, skinheads etc etc etc. My daughter’s “friends” all call her by her male name (which is actually completely androgynous anyway) but her father and I only use her nickname (which we have called her since childhood) as we refuse to use her chosen role-play/stage name. I actually can see her maturing and gradually changing her mind about a lot of things so my sincere hope is this will become her “alter ego” stage just as so many of us tried on in our teens. Fingers crossed! I hope things work out positively for you, but do choose what feels right for you even though I agree that Miriam Grossman’s excellent book helped me in many ways. ❤️
I’m an outsider to this group. So take my advice as you will. These are your only grandchildren. Life is short. They may never recover from this madness. I would apologize—it doesn’t have to be true—and continue to see your grandchildren. You might not ever get that time back.
Also from what I’ve read it’s smart to support their identity preferences. If their parents don’t, these kids end up digging in their heels. Most of the time gender switching is a kind of rebellion. In many places their peers consider them “cool” and “special.”
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. But your relationship with your grandchildren is too important to lose
I have been thinking about this and want to say more. There's a lot you didn't mention including the grandkids' ages, and what's the position of all the fathers. All of that (and more) impacts this dynamic. It's not simple. Families are complicated, people are complicated.
In my book and elsewhere I have advised parents about names/pronouns, but grandparents are in a different position, at the mercy of their children.
If until now you have been a loving figure for all the children, they certainly miss you and are asking questions. With time one or more of them might reach out to you. Keep sending cards and gifts. Depending on their ages, if they are being told you are not a "safe' person, I think they will start questioning that.
I also wanted to mention that aside from emotional issues like sadness, anxiety, anger, insomnia etc, the grief of being cut off from your grandchildren could cause physical illness. I believe there are people who have died from a broken heart. Please take care of yourself.
I truly hope this nightmare ends very soon, for you and for so many parents & grandparents.
We have not been allowed contact with our only grandchild in over two years... our oldest son, her Biological Father, decided in '23 the answer to his mental distress was that he was trans...I have worked in different aspects of mental health almost 3 decades... without ever seeing a psychiatrist or having any testing he was allowed chemical and surgery...we have tried everything but they have totally cut us off, removed our pictures from their house and do not give our granddaughter gifts from us...we know this because of a court ordered mediation we tried... This is evil! Your daughters are very misguided and brainwashed... this will go down in history as the worst medical travesty...even worse than lobotomies!
As a fellow grandma, I cannot imagine the agony of not being able to see my grandchild. I won’t give you advice about going along with the delusion or not. Only you can make that decision and count the cost of each action. But, I would send gifts to the grandchildren, regardless of what you decide to do. The other issue to take into consideration is your son. He and you are a support system for each other. You need each other to navigate your daughters’ insanity.
Do not give in. You are the only person in their lives who will tell them the truth. Some day when they realize they have been lied to and deceived by everyone around them, they will remember that you were one of the only people who loved them enough not to lie to them. You are their last hope of reality in a world gone mad, stay the course and pray for them to be awakened.
my son's name was already gender neutral. Could have been tweaked to make it more feminine. I loved his name and it was one of the things lost to me when he chose insanity. Ironic thing is that his new name is gender neutral.
Thanks for this post and thanks to all the people who drew it to my attention.
I am so sorry that you are in this excruciating situation. I am also a grandma and cannot imagine your pain.
Every situation is different and a grandparent's position and options are altogether different from a parent's.
There is no one-size-fits-all approach. You must search your heart and soul and determine what's right for you. For some parents/grandparents, "giving in" with names and pronouns feels like betraying themselves, participating in a lie, and that's unacceptable. For others, the emotional burden of estrangement is more than they can bear; it sounds like that may be the case for you, and trust me, I get that.
From what you describe it sounds unlikely, but might there be some flexibility regarding your grandson's name? Coming up with a nickname perhaps, that is not quite his given name or his new one?
It's such a complex situation. While it's true that affirmation and social "transition" is associated with persistence, it's also true that your relationships with your grandchildren can be critical and life-changing for you and for them - I am speaking beyond the gender issue here.
It's terribly distressing to hear your daughters are behaving so harshly with you. Is one of them perhaps the "leader"? You may want to reach out individually to the "followers" and see if they're more open to at a bit of talking and learning. Perhaps they'd agree to watch a video? I am not sure which would be best, maybe you could run that question by the PITT community.
Each time I hear another story like yours of a family shattered by this evil, I see red. Your daughters are making a grave mistake and I think they will come to regret it.
Please do not isolate yourself, and do not lose hope. Many people find strength in faith and prayer during dark times such as these. I wish you clarity in making your decision. I know you will feel better once you move forward.
This is so sad but very cruel of your daughters to force this dilemma upon you!
The wise words of your youngest son should be your guide. No one should be blackmailed into submitting to the cult's demands.
Hopefully, one day, one or many of your grandchildren will come back to you or at the very least, understand your decision to not affirm and that it comes from a place of love & caring about their mental & physical health.
The cult wants you to give up truth & love but only you decide if it's worth it. Bless you & your family!!
You are seriously in the vortex of a delusion. Consider writing a letter to your grandchild. Include whatever memories you have of the child, such as the hopes and dreams you had for that child. Include your feelings about being excluded because you could not seriously affirm something that went against your grain. Let the grandchild know how much you love and cherish the child. Let the child know that you have hopes and dreams and are confident that child will fulfill them to the child’s hearts content. Then sign the letter in your handwriting. Make two originals. Place one in your last will and testament, which hopefully will include provisions for your grandchild. And for the other -place it in the safe place like a safe deposit box or somewhere else. If necessary, have a witness sign it. That child does know of your love; and needs to be reminded of your love, and that you will have taken steps to memorialize it when those who you raised and loved, prevented you from sharing it. With a child now how heartbroken you were and how much love you have for that child. Just my two cents.
You are clearly a fantastic mother and grandmother. You know the truth and have taken time to read and educate yourself on this nonsense. I’m sorry that your daughters have been swept into this bs and that your grandson is being cruelly abused. Hopefully he will escape (and be allowed to escape) this before any real damage is done. Stay strong and take care of yourself.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It’s a very lonely place to be. What I can’t understand - for the life of me - is why otherwise sane and loving people decide to affirm their children who’ve decided to be trans. I can’t do it. I never will. My once close son has gone no contact with me (for 6 months now) because I spoke the truth. Not MY truth. THE truth. He’s on the wrong path. He’s manic now, because he’s in pursuit of this grand reinvention. But wherever you go, there you are. The discontent these kids are running from will find them in the end. And playing along with them and their delusional thinking feels misguided, at best, and lazy and abusive at worst.
What is dangerous about changing your pronouns and your clothes, other than the hatred a person faces for doing so? I reccomend asking your daughter for resources from HER perspective. You've read one book that agrees with your perspective, so why not understand where she's coming from as well?
I am seeking out readings that support gender ideology but so far am not finding any. Can you suggest one or more? Thank you.
I just can not stop thinking about you. It is such a tough situation that you are in. Kids really need their grandmother's, grandparents. Especially because parents don't have all the he right answers. Kids need to have that love and that experience. But you are being shut out and there isn't anything that you can do. You don't even know if your gifts are getting past your daughter. I shut my Mom out. Not over the trans issue but because I didn't understand autism. I tried to discipline my kid and my Mom would undermine me. If I sent my kid to her room, she'd climb out the window and my Mom would be outside waiting for her in a car. I'm not saying my Mom was right. I really needed her to help me, but she had a different relationship with my daughter and was not going to argue with me over it In the long run, I am glad that my daughter had my Mom and that my Mom went behind my back. And I'm not saying there was no damage from my Mom's actions but there was no stopping my Mom. She sent up every flare she could so my daughter could find her. My Mom only had one grandchild. As I said. Mom's often don't have all the answers and neither do grandmother's but I am really glad that my daughter had her Grandmother. They were each other's favorite person in the world. Neither ever discussed the Trans topic though both knew. Though my Mom is now gone, My daughter will always know that my Mom loved her so much. I don't know but I think the love is the most important thing.I wish you luck. All the luck in the world. At times you may have no choice but to turn it all off for a bit. I know I have to- also no choice. But my mind is still working on it. Again keeping you in my thoughts.
The insanity of this ideology is so disconcerting, normal intelligent people suddenly believe complete nonsense which is incredibly dangerous to all these young impressionable people. I have a daughter who is 20 now and she has grown a beard (on testosterone) and is still convinced after 2.5 years that she will be this way forever! Just like all the punks, goths, mods, skinheads etc etc etc. My daughter’s “friends” all call her by her male name (which is actually completely androgynous anyway) but her father and I only use her nickname (which we have called her since childhood) as we refuse to use her chosen role-play/stage name. I actually can see her maturing and gradually changing her mind about a lot of things so my sincere hope is this will become her “alter ego” stage just as so many of us tried on in our teens. Fingers crossed! I hope things work out positively for you, but do choose what feels right for you even though I agree that Miriam Grossman’s excellent book helped me in many ways. ❤️
I’m an outsider to this group. So take my advice as you will. These are your only grandchildren. Life is short. They may never recover from this madness. I would apologize—it doesn’t have to be true—and continue to see your grandchildren. You might not ever get that time back.
Also from what I’ve read it’s smart to support their identity preferences. If their parents don’t, these kids end up digging in their heels. Most of the time gender switching is a kind of rebellion. In many places their peers consider them “cool” and “special.”
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. But your relationship with your grandchildren is too important to lose
\
I have been thinking about this and want to say more. There's a lot you didn't mention including the grandkids' ages, and what's the position of all the fathers. All of that (and more) impacts this dynamic. It's not simple. Families are complicated, people are complicated.
In my book and elsewhere I have advised parents about names/pronouns, but grandparents are in a different position, at the mercy of their children.
If until now you have been a loving figure for all the children, they certainly miss you and are asking questions. With time one or more of them might reach out to you. Keep sending cards and gifts. Depending on their ages, if they are being told you are not a "safe' person, I think they will start questioning that.
I also wanted to mention that aside from emotional issues like sadness, anxiety, anger, insomnia etc, the grief of being cut off from your grandchildren could cause physical illness. I believe there are people who have died from a broken heart. Please take care of yourself.
I truly hope this nightmare ends very soon, for you and for so many parents & grandparents.
We have not been allowed contact with our only grandchild in over two years... our oldest son, her Biological Father, decided in '23 the answer to his mental distress was that he was trans...I have worked in different aspects of mental health almost 3 decades... without ever seeing a psychiatrist or having any testing he was allowed chemical and surgery...we have tried everything but they have totally cut us off, removed our pictures from their house and do not give our granddaughter gifts from us...we know this because of a court ordered mediation we tried... This is evil! Your daughters are very misguided and brainwashed... this will go down in history as the worst medical travesty...even worse than lobotomies!
🙏💕
As a fellow grandma, I cannot imagine the agony of not being able to see my grandchild. I won’t give you advice about going along with the delusion or not. Only you can make that decision and count the cost of each action. But, I would send gifts to the grandchildren, regardless of what you decide to do. The other issue to take into consideration is your son. He and you are a support system for each other. You need each other to navigate your daughters’ insanity.
Do not give in. You are the only person in their lives who will tell them the truth. Some day when they realize they have been lied to and deceived by everyone around them, they will remember that you were one of the only people who loved them enough not to lie to them. You are their last hope of reality in a world gone mad, stay the course and pray for them to be awakened.
I agree.
my son's name was already gender neutral. Could have been tweaked to make it more feminine. I loved his name and it was one of the things lost to me when he chose insanity. Ironic thing is that his new name is gender neutral.
Thanks for this post and thanks to all the people who drew it to my attention.
I am so sorry that you are in this excruciating situation. I am also a grandma and cannot imagine your pain.
Every situation is different and a grandparent's position and options are altogether different from a parent's.
There is no one-size-fits-all approach. You must search your heart and soul and determine what's right for you. For some parents/grandparents, "giving in" with names and pronouns feels like betraying themselves, participating in a lie, and that's unacceptable. For others, the emotional burden of estrangement is more than they can bear; it sounds like that may be the case for you, and trust me, I get that.
From what you describe it sounds unlikely, but might there be some flexibility regarding your grandson's name? Coming up with a nickname perhaps, that is not quite his given name or his new one?
It's such a complex situation. While it's true that affirmation and social "transition" is associated with persistence, it's also true that your relationships with your grandchildren can be critical and life-changing for you and for them - I am speaking beyond the gender issue here.
It's terribly distressing to hear your daughters are behaving so harshly with you. Is one of them perhaps the "leader"? You may want to reach out individually to the "followers" and see if they're more open to at a bit of talking and learning. Perhaps they'd agree to watch a video? I am not sure which would be best, maybe you could run that question by the PITT community.
Each time I hear another story like yours of a family shattered by this evil, I see red. Your daughters are making a grave mistake and I think they will come to regret it.
Please do not isolate yourself, and do not lose hope. Many people find strength in faith and prayer during dark times such as these. I wish you clarity in making your decision. I know you will feel better once you move forward.
This is so sad but very cruel of your daughters to force this dilemma upon you!
The wise words of your youngest son should be your guide. No one should be blackmailed into submitting to the cult's demands.
Hopefully, one day, one or many of your grandchildren will come back to you or at the very least, understand your decision to not affirm and that it comes from a place of love & caring about their mental & physical health.
The cult wants you to give up truth & love but only you decide if it's worth it. Bless you & your family!!
You are seriously in the vortex of a delusion. Consider writing a letter to your grandchild. Include whatever memories you have of the child, such as the hopes and dreams you had for that child. Include your feelings about being excluded because you could not seriously affirm something that went against your grain. Let the grandchild know how much you love and cherish the child. Let the child know that you have hopes and dreams and are confident that child will fulfill them to the child’s hearts content. Then sign the letter in your handwriting. Make two originals. Place one in your last will and testament, which hopefully will include provisions for your grandchild. And for the other -place it in the safe place like a safe deposit box or somewhere else. If necessary, have a witness sign it. That child does know of your love; and needs to be reminded of your love, and that you will have taken steps to memorialize it when those who you raised and loved, prevented you from sharing it. With a child now how heartbroken you were and how much love you have for that child. Just my two cents.
You are clearly a fantastic mother and grandmother. You know the truth and have taken time to read and educate yourself on this nonsense. I’m sorry that your daughters have been swept into this bs and that your grandson is being cruelly abused. Hopefully he will escape (and be allowed to escape) this before any real damage is done. Stay strong and take care of yourself.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It’s a very lonely place to be. What I can’t understand - for the life of me - is why otherwise sane and loving people decide to affirm their children who’ve decided to be trans. I can’t do it. I never will. My once close son has gone no contact with me (for 6 months now) because I spoke the truth. Not MY truth. THE truth. He’s on the wrong path. He’s manic now, because he’s in pursuit of this grand reinvention. But wherever you go, there you are. The discontent these kids are running from will find them in the end. And playing along with them and their delusional thinking feels misguided, at best, and lazy and abusive at worst.
So sorry to hear about your dilemma...which you absolutely DO NOT DESERVE!
Sounds to me like you have three daughters who really need to read Dr. Grossman's book.
And thank God your youngest son understands what's happening.