I’m an outsider to this group. So take my advice as you will. These are your only grandchildren. Life is short. They may never recover from this madness. I would apologize—it doesn’t have to be true—and continue to see your grandchildren. You might not ever get that time back.
Also from what I’ve read it’s smart to support their identity preferences. If their parents don’t, these kids end up digging in their heels. Most of the time gender switching is a kind of rebellion. In many places their peers consider them “cool” and “special.”
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. But your relationship with your grandchildren is too important to lose
I have been thinking about this and want to say more. There's a lot you didn't mention including the grandkids' ages, and what's the position of all the fathers. All of that (and more) impacts this dynamic. It's not simple. Families are complicated, people are complicated.
In my book and elsewhere I have advised parents about names/pronouns, but grandparents are in a different position, at the mercy of their children.
If until now you have been a loving figure for all the children, they certainly miss you and are asking questions. With time one or more of them might reach out to you. Keep sending cards and gifts. Depending on their ages, if they are being told you are not a "safe' person, I think they will start questioning that.
I also wanted to mention that aside from emotional issues like sadness, anxiety, anger, insomnia etc, the grief of being cut off from your grandchildren could cause physical illness. I believe there are people who have died from a broken heart. Please take care of yourself.
I truly hope this nightmare ends very soon, for you and for so many parents & grandparents.
We have not been allowed contact with our only grandchild in over two years... our oldest son, her Biological Father, decided in '23 the answer to his mental distress was that he was trans...I have worked in different aspects of mental health almost 3 decades... without ever seeing a psychiatrist or having any testing he was allowed chemical and surgery...we have tried everything but they have totally cut us off, removed our pictures from their house and do not give our granddaughter gifts from us...we know this because of a court ordered mediation we tried... This is evil! Your daughters are very misguided and brainwashed... this will go down in history as the worst medical travesty...even worse than lobotomies!
As a fellow grandma, I cannot imagine the agony of not being able to see my grandchild. I won’t give you advice about going along with the delusion or not. Only you can make that decision and count the cost of each action. But, I would send gifts to the grandchildren, regardless of what you decide to do. The other issue to take into consideration is your son. He and you are a support system for each other. You need each other to navigate your daughters’ insanity.
Do not give in. You are the only person in their lives who will tell them the truth. Some day when they realize they have been lied to and deceived by everyone around them, they will remember that you were one of the only people who loved them enough not to lie to them. You are their last hope of reality in a world gone mad, stay the course and pray for them to be awakened.
my son's name was already gender neutral. Could have been tweaked to make it more feminine. I loved his name and it was one of the things lost to me when he chose insanity. Ironic thing is that his new name is gender neutral.
Thanks for this post and thanks to all the people who drew it to my attention.
I am so sorry that you are in this excruciating situation. I am also a grandma and cannot imagine your pain.
Every situation is different and a grandparent's position and options are altogether different from a parent's.
There is no one-size-fits-all approach. You must search your heart and soul and determine what's right for you. For some parents/grandparents, "giving in" with names and pronouns feels like betraying themselves, participating in a lie, and that's unacceptable. For others, the emotional burden of estrangement is more than they can bear; it sounds like that may be the case for you, and trust me, I get that.
From what you describe it sounds unlikely, but might there be some flexibility regarding your grandson's name? Coming up with a nickname perhaps, that is not quite his given name or his new one?
It's such a complex situation. While it's true that affirmation and social "transition" is associated with persistence, it's also true that your relationships with your grandchildren can be critical and life-changing for you and for them - I am speaking beyond the gender issue here.
It's terribly distressing to hear your daughters are behaving so harshly with you. Is one of them perhaps the "leader"? You may want to reach out individually to the "followers" and see if they're more open to at a bit of talking and learning. Perhaps they'd agree to watch a video? I am not sure which would be best, maybe you could run that question by the PITT community.
Each time I hear another story like yours of a family shattered by this evil, I see red. Your daughters are making a grave mistake and I think they will come to regret it.
Please do not isolate yourself, and do not lose hope. Many people find strength in faith and prayer during dark times such as these. I wish you clarity in making your decision. I know you will feel better once you move forward.
This is so sad but very cruel of your daughters to force this dilemma upon you!
The wise words of your youngest son should be your guide. No one should be blackmailed into submitting to the cult's demands.
Hopefully, one day, one or many of your grandchildren will come back to you or at the very least, understand your decision to not affirm and that it comes from a place of love & caring about their mental & physical health.
The cult wants you to give up truth & love but only you decide if it's worth it. Bless you & your family!!
You are seriously in the vortex of a delusion. Consider writing a letter to your grandchild. Include whatever memories you have of the child, such as the hopes and dreams you had for that child. Include your feelings about being excluded because you could not seriously affirm something that went against your grain. Let the grandchild know how much you love and cherish the child. Let the child know that you have hopes and dreams and are confident that child will fulfill them to the child’s hearts content. Then sign the letter in your handwriting. Make two originals. Place one in your last will and testament, which hopefully will include provisions for your grandchild. And for the other -place it in the safe place like a safe deposit box or somewhere else. If necessary, have a witness sign it. That child does know of your love; and needs to be reminded of your love, and that you will have taken steps to memorialize it when those who you raised and loved, prevented you from sharing it. With a child now how heartbroken you were and how much love you have for that child. Just my two cents.
You are clearly a fantastic mother and grandmother. You know the truth and have taken time to read and educate yourself on this nonsense. I’m sorry that your daughters have been swept into this bs and that your grandson is being cruelly abused. Hopefully he will escape (and be allowed to escape) this before any real damage is done. Stay strong and take care of yourself.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It’s a very lonely place to be. What I can’t understand - for the life of me - is why otherwise sane and loving people decide to affirm their children who’ve decided to be trans. I can’t do it. I never will. My once close son has gone no contact with me (for 6 months now) because I spoke the truth. Not MY truth. THE truth. He’s on the wrong path. He’s manic now, because he’s in pursuit of this grand reinvention. But wherever you go, there you are. The discontent these kids are running from will find them in the end. And playing along with them and their delusional thinking feels misguided, at best, and lazy and abusive at worst.
I'm also Grandma, but my circumstance is as a mother to a son under this spell. My conscience will not allow me to lie to him, to call him my daughter. Thankfully my daughters are in their right minds, broken hearted at the loss of their brother, but not delusional.
I'm glad to hear your son is sane! I can't imagine the past 12 years, had my daughters encouraged my son's self-destruction. This must be extremely painful, and I can see the temptation to play along to keep the peace and remain active in the children's lives. But what your daughters are doing is very wrong (regardless of their intelligence or good intentions), and doesn't deserve your complicity. We must be strong for all our grandchildren. My grandbabies are still very young, but no matter the age, we cannot lie to them. We cannot normalize the deception, the acceptance of your dear grandson's self-hatred leading nowhere good, but to medical butchery, sterilization, continued mental affliction & anguish, and eventual premature organ failure.
I want to suggest sending his mother & aunts the documentary, 'The Lost Boys: Searching for Manhood', though it may fall on deaf ears and further the rift, it's worth a try.
Anyway, sending prayers & love to you & your poor grandson, deceived by those entrusted to protect him.
Like so many of us, you want to exist in the tension and discomfort just to be a voice of reason and support. Can you generally avoid using either name, perhaps a nickname? This is the space we exist in with our daughter. It is mental gymnastics. But it helps to not violate our boundaries nor hers. We have explained our position and she doesn’t like it. But tolerates it.
There’s no guarantee a nickname would work. But I would just start using the nickname without asking permission. When I was in hospital all the doctors and nurses called me Mr Hamburger. Except one nurse. The entire time she always called me “honey”.
The nurse never asked permission “may I call you honey”.
If the grandson objects, then say that if he is going to present himself as a female, then he has to expect to be called nicknames. Honey, pumpkin, pudding, sweetie pie, princess. If he objects, he is not being girly. In fact, “girly” would be a great nickname in this case. If he objects to being called girly, ask him isn’t that what he wanted?
What is really going on here is a power play. Someone who insists on forcing you to name them their way instead of your way is expressing their sense of victimhood as a virtue signal. Don’t enable the victim mentality.
I’m an outsider to this group. So take my advice as you will. These are your only grandchildren. Life is short. They may never recover from this madness. I would apologize—it doesn’t have to be true—and continue to see your grandchildren. You might not ever get that time back.
Also from what I’ve read it’s smart to support their identity preferences. If their parents don’t, these kids end up digging in their heels. Most of the time gender switching is a kind of rebellion. In many places their peers consider them “cool” and “special.”
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. But your relationship with your grandchildren is too important to lose
\
I have been thinking about this and want to say more. There's a lot you didn't mention including the grandkids' ages, and what's the position of all the fathers. All of that (and more) impacts this dynamic. It's not simple. Families are complicated, people are complicated.
In my book and elsewhere I have advised parents about names/pronouns, but grandparents are in a different position, at the mercy of their children.
If until now you have been a loving figure for all the children, they certainly miss you and are asking questions. With time one or more of them might reach out to you. Keep sending cards and gifts. Depending on their ages, if they are being told you are not a "safe' person, I think they will start questioning that.
I also wanted to mention that aside from emotional issues like sadness, anxiety, anger, insomnia etc, the grief of being cut off from your grandchildren could cause physical illness. I believe there are people who have died from a broken heart. Please take care of yourself.
I truly hope this nightmare ends very soon, for you and for so many parents & grandparents.
We have not been allowed contact with our only grandchild in over two years... our oldest son, her Biological Father, decided in '23 the answer to his mental distress was that he was trans...I have worked in different aspects of mental health almost 3 decades... without ever seeing a psychiatrist or having any testing he was allowed chemical and surgery...we have tried everything but they have totally cut us off, removed our pictures from their house and do not give our granddaughter gifts from us...we know this because of a court ordered mediation we tried... This is evil! Your daughters are very misguided and brainwashed... this will go down in history as the worst medical travesty...even worse than lobotomies!
🙏💕
As a fellow grandma, I cannot imagine the agony of not being able to see my grandchild. I won’t give you advice about going along with the delusion or not. Only you can make that decision and count the cost of each action. But, I would send gifts to the grandchildren, regardless of what you decide to do. The other issue to take into consideration is your son. He and you are a support system for each other. You need each other to navigate your daughters’ insanity.
Do not give in. You are the only person in their lives who will tell them the truth. Some day when they realize they have been lied to and deceived by everyone around them, they will remember that you were one of the only people who loved them enough not to lie to them. You are their last hope of reality in a world gone mad, stay the course and pray for them to be awakened.
I agree.
my son's name was already gender neutral. Could have been tweaked to make it more feminine. I loved his name and it was one of the things lost to me when he chose insanity. Ironic thing is that his new name is gender neutral.
Thanks for this post and thanks to all the people who drew it to my attention.
I am so sorry that you are in this excruciating situation. I am also a grandma and cannot imagine your pain.
Every situation is different and a grandparent's position and options are altogether different from a parent's.
There is no one-size-fits-all approach. You must search your heart and soul and determine what's right for you. For some parents/grandparents, "giving in" with names and pronouns feels like betraying themselves, participating in a lie, and that's unacceptable. For others, the emotional burden of estrangement is more than they can bear; it sounds like that may be the case for you, and trust me, I get that.
From what you describe it sounds unlikely, but might there be some flexibility regarding your grandson's name? Coming up with a nickname perhaps, that is not quite his given name or his new one?
It's such a complex situation. While it's true that affirmation and social "transition" is associated with persistence, it's also true that your relationships with your grandchildren can be critical and life-changing for you and for them - I am speaking beyond the gender issue here.
It's terribly distressing to hear your daughters are behaving so harshly with you. Is one of them perhaps the "leader"? You may want to reach out individually to the "followers" and see if they're more open to at a bit of talking and learning. Perhaps they'd agree to watch a video? I am not sure which would be best, maybe you could run that question by the PITT community.
Each time I hear another story like yours of a family shattered by this evil, I see red. Your daughters are making a grave mistake and I think they will come to regret it.
Please do not isolate yourself, and do not lose hope. Many people find strength in faith and prayer during dark times such as these. I wish you clarity in making your decision. I know you will feel better once you move forward.
This is so sad but very cruel of your daughters to force this dilemma upon you!
The wise words of your youngest son should be your guide. No one should be blackmailed into submitting to the cult's demands.
Hopefully, one day, one or many of your grandchildren will come back to you or at the very least, understand your decision to not affirm and that it comes from a place of love & caring about their mental & physical health.
The cult wants you to give up truth & love but only you decide if it's worth it. Bless you & your family!!
You are seriously in the vortex of a delusion. Consider writing a letter to your grandchild. Include whatever memories you have of the child, such as the hopes and dreams you had for that child. Include your feelings about being excluded because you could not seriously affirm something that went against your grain. Let the grandchild know how much you love and cherish the child. Let the child know that you have hopes and dreams and are confident that child will fulfill them to the child’s hearts content. Then sign the letter in your handwriting. Make two originals. Place one in your last will and testament, which hopefully will include provisions for your grandchild. And for the other -place it in the safe place like a safe deposit box or somewhere else. If necessary, have a witness sign it. That child does know of your love; and needs to be reminded of your love, and that you will have taken steps to memorialize it when those who you raised and loved, prevented you from sharing it. With a child now how heartbroken you were and how much love you have for that child. Just my two cents.
You are clearly a fantastic mother and grandmother. You know the truth and have taken time to read and educate yourself on this nonsense. I’m sorry that your daughters have been swept into this bs and that your grandson is being cruelly abused. Hopefully he will escape (and be allowed to escape) this before any real damage is done. Stay strong and take care of yourself.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It’s a very lonely place to be. What I can’t understand - for the life of me - is why otherwise sane and loving people decide to affirm their children who’ve decided to be trans. I can’t do it. I never will. My once close son has gone no contact with me (for 6 months now) because I spoke the truth. Not MY truth. THE truth. He’s on the wrong path. He’s manic now, because he’s in pursuit of this grand reinvention. But wherever you go, there you are. The discontent these kids are running from will find them in the end. And playing along with them and their delusional thinking feels misguided, at best, and lazy and abusive at worst.
So sorry to hear about your dilemma...which you absolutely DO NOT DESERVE!
Sounds to me like you have three daughters who really need to read Dr. Grossman's book.
And thank God your youngest son understands what's happening.
I'm also Grandma, but my circumstance is as a mother to a son under this spell. My conscience will not allow me to lie to him, to call him my daughter. Thankfully my daughters are in their right minds, broken hearted at the loss of their brother, but not delusional.
I'm glad to hear your son is sane! I can't imagine the past 12 years, had my daughters encouraged my son's self-destruction. This must be extremely painful, and I can see the temptation to play along to keep the peace and remain active in the children's lives. But what your daughters are doing is very wrong (regardless of their intelligence or good intentions), and doesn't deserve your complicity. We must be strong for all our grandchildren. My grandbabies are still very young, but no matter the age, we cannot lie to them. We cannot normalize the deception, the acceptance of your dear grandson's self-hatred leading nowhere good, but to medical butchery, sterilization, continued mental affliction & anguish, and eventual premature organ failure.
I want to suggest sending his mother & aunts the documentary, 'The Lost Boys: Searching for Manhood', though it may fall on deaf ears and further the rift, it's worth a try.
Anyway, sending prayers & love to you & your poor grandson, deceived by those entrusted to protect him.
Like so many of us, you want to exist in the tension and discomfort just to be a voice of reason and support. Can you generally avoid using either name, perhaps a nickname? This is the space we exist in with our daughter. It is mental gymnastics. But it helps to not violate our boundaries nor hers. We have explained our position and she doesn’t like it. But tolerates it.
I use the gender neutral previously chosen name, but not the preferred female one and no wrong pronouns. It works fairly well.
There’s no guarantee a nickname would work. But I would just start using the nickname without asking permission. When I was in hospital all the doctors and nurses called me Mr Hamburger. Except one nurse. The entire time she always called me “honey”.
The nurse never asked permission “may I call you honey”.
If the grandson objects, then say that if he is going to present himself as a female, then he has to expect to be called nicknames. Honey, pumpkin, pudding, sweetie pie, princess. If he objects, he is not being girly. In fact, “girly” would be a great nickname in this case. If he objects to being called girly, ask him isn’t that what he wanted?
What is really going on here is a power play. Someone who insists on forcing you to name them their way instead of your way is expressing their sense of victimhood as a virtue signal. Don’t enable the victim mentality.